Adult Children Still Living at Home?

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ponyboy Im not saying one is better than the other. The person commented how well mannered everyone is...its because they have no choice. Opinions cannot vary much considering everyone has to conform to the rules. Again not necessarily a bad thing...just an observation everyone should be aware of.

No surprises there--everyone should already be aware of your observation, inasmuch as everyone already agreed to those rules as part of registering for this site.

[Fedup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan That's a non-responsive comment...lots of boards don't moderate at all, if you like that better go for it.

I love gone traveling here.

[mountainsoft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue Collar Guy She sounds like a lovely girl. Be happy you know she is safe and sound. Im old fashioned , my view of fatherhood is to provide and protect .it sounds like you are doing both. she will find her way when the time is right .

Despite my griping, I am proud of her. She has always been happy and respectful, never went through a rebellious stage, never dabbled with drugs or alcohol, and doesn't sleep around. She pays for her own car license and insurance, pays her own health insurance, and I even convinced her to start an IRA last year. While she technically lives at home, we rarely see her as she's busy with her two part time jobs, volunteering, and recreational activities.

Chronologically she may be 28, but she still looks like she is 16. Everywhere we go people ask her "so are you graduating high school this year". She also acts much younger and has such a naive view of the world. She's one smart cookie, but very immature for her age. I suppose that's why it hasn't felt so weird that she lives at home, she still seems so young.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainsoft Despite my griping, I am proud of her. She has always been happy and respectful, never went through a rebellious stage, never dabbled with drugs or alcohol, and doesn't sleep around. She pays for her own car license and insurance, pays her own health insurance, and I even convinced her to start an IRA last year. While she technically lives at home, we rarely see her as she's busy with her two part time jobs, volunteering, and recreational activities. Chronologically she may be 28, but she still looks like she is 16. Everywhere we go people ask her "so are you graduating high school this year". She also acts much younger and has such a naive view of the world. She's one smart cookie, but very immature for her age. I suppose that's why it hasn't felt so weird that she lives at home, she still seems so young.

Well after reading this, I'm wondering why you think she is even ready to leave your home? Please don't take offence, but is this the life you wanted for your adult daughter? She is missing out on the fun, scary, satisfying and fulfilling life of an independent woman. No one says you shouldn't be proud of her, but IMO she could use some help spreading her wings.

I'm curious why you put the smiley face after commenting that people think she is still in high school.

[mountainsoft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan I'm wondering why you think she is even ready to leave your home?

She is not ready. She is completely unprepared financially, and questionable whether she is mature enough. But, she has stagnated in her daily routines and isn't making an effort to move forward in life. We are obviously partly to blame for that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan she could use some help spreading her wings.

I agree, that's why I posted here initially, to get some feedback and advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan I'm curious why you put the smiley face after commenting that people think she is still in high school.

Family joke I guess. We always get a laugh at peoples responses when they learn how old she really is. Irrelevant to this discussion I suppose.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainsoft She is not ready. She is completely unprepared financially, and questionable whether she is mature enough. But, she has stagnated in her daily routines and isn't making an effort to move forward in life. We are obviously partly to blame for that. I agree, that's why I posted here initially, to get some feedback and advice. Family joke I guess. We always get a laugh at peoples responses when they learn how old she really is. Irrelevant to this discussion I suppose.

Not really irrelevant it's her entire demeanor and not her looks people are commenting on. Any 28 year old should be offended to be asked if they are 17..the question is why isn't your daughter making an effort to move forward? If you don't think she can manage everyday life the clock is ticking, professional screening might be in order here.

[mountainsoft]

Regardless of my daughters motivation, there are still real world realities. She works 35-40 hours a week now between her two jobs, but at minimum wage only brings home 1200-1500 a month. The cheapest rent in the area is at least 800 for a tiny 1BR studio in a slummy part of town. No way she could afford that.

Yeah, go find a better job. Easy to say, but I've looked myself and there just isn't much out there. The only ones hiring are minimum wage retail or fast food restaurants, or specialized positions requiring 3-5 years experience.

I still think we should start charging her rent for living at home, but pressuring her to move on when there are no realistic options doesn't seem helpful either.

She is certainly not an isolated case, as a few of my 20-something nieces and nephews still live at home too.

Young adults living at home up 30 percent in last decade | The Columbian

[daylatedollarshort]

Mountainsoft, I think your main goal should not just be to get her to move out but to move her toward learning adult skills and financial self sufficiency, even if she lives at home for awhile longer. I have a friend who is a therapist who has clients in their fifties who have never had to make rent, never had to pay bills and then the parents die and they are lost and in therapy.

Maybe just start asking her what her goals are and where she sees herself in 1, 5, 10 years and what her ideal life would be like. Since she has a degree maybe you could help her get some more specific job training at the local community college for a job that pays enough to allow her to move out with a room mate or two eventually.

[ivinsfan]

I'm not going to make any more posts after this one, but you seem to be fixed on the idea that this is solely a money issue.

I don't agree that it's only about money....but you don't seem to be open to the idea that there might be something else going on with your DD...you are heading down the road where you will be supplementing your DD financially for the rest of your life...what will she do when you are no longer of this earth?

[Blue Collar Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainsoft Despite my griping, I am proud of her. She has always been happy and respectful, never went through a rebellious stage, never dabbled with drugs or alcohol, and doesn't sleep around. She pays for her own car license and insurance, pays her own health insurance, and I even convinced her to start an IRA last year. While she technically lives at home, we rarely see her as she's busy with her two part time jobs, volunteering, and recreational activities. Chronologically she may be 28, but she still looks like she is 16. Everywhere we go people ask her "so are you graduating high school this year". She also acts much younger and has such a naive view of the world. She's one smart cookie, but very immature for her age. I suppose that's why it hasn't felt so weird that she lives at home, she still seems so young.

I am glad she is still under your wing. in my old job as a cop ,i went to many homes where the 28 y.o. daughter was back home with a few kids. talk about DRAMA ! Now the parents have to deal with crazy boyfriend /husband, court ,they wind up babysitting , talk about cramping your style . you guys would be the envy of millions .

[Fedup]

I see a bit of sexist attitude here. None of my young female relatives are living at home with kids. If anything, they are more competitive than the young male relatives. One of my kid is not looking for work near home either, there's none. She will be starting at another location, 400 miles away. Could have been 3000 miles away but she doesn't like Boston. But you go where jobs are.

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue Collar Guy I am glad she is still under your wing. in my old job as a cop ,i went to many homes where the 28 y.o. daughter was back home with a few kids. talk about DRAMA ! Now the parents have to deal with crazy boyfriend /husband, court ,they wind up babysitting , talk about cramping your style . you guys would be the envy of millions .

BCG......can you see the misogyny in this paragraph..? a docile daughter who lives at home is something to be envious of?

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivinsfan BCG......can you see the misogyny in this paragraph..? a docile daughter who lives at home is something to be envious of?

I'm also retired from law enforcement and have seen what BCG is talking about. I think he's simply noting that things could be a lot worse.

[Fedup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 I'm also retired from law enforcement and have seen what BCG is talking about. I think he's simply noting that things could be a lot worse.

Right because normal people don't have cops visit them.

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fedup Right because normal people don't have cops visit them.

Exactly.

[mountainsoft]

Thanks for the constructive feedback everyone. I'll leave it at that.

[MRG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by daylatedollarshort Mountainsoft, I think your main goal should not just be to get her to move out but to move her toward learning adult skills and financial self sufficiency, even if she lives at home for awhile longer. I have a friend who is a therapist who has clients in their fifties who have never had to make rent, never had to pay bills and then the parents die and they are lost and in therapy.

I have seen this.(way too often). A high school friend never launched after getting his degree. Super intelligent, just never left mom and dad's basement. Mom and dad died and he stayed in the basement. Eventually house was foreclosed on and he got a cheap apartment. Guess that worked till his heart attack.

My sister has had to take the hard road with her soon to be 40 yo son. I know it upsets her, but none of us are getting younger.

[Texas Proud]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainsoft Regardless of my daughters motivation, there are still real world realities. She works 35-40 hours a week now between her two jobs, but at minimum wage only brings home 1200-1500 a month. The cheapest rent in the area is at least 800 for a tiny 1BR studio in a slummy part of town. No way she could afford that. Yeah, go find a better job. Easy to say, but I've looked myself and there just isn't much out there. The only ones hiring are minimum wage retail or fast food restaurants, or specialized positions requiring 3-5 years experience. I still think we should start charging her rent for living at home, but pressuring her to move on when there are no realistic options doesn't seem helpful either. She is certainly not an isolated case, as a few of my 20-something nieces and nephews still live at home too. Young adults living at home up 30 percent in last decade | The Columbian

There are many people who make minimum wage and live on their own... or live with roommates....

Also, like others have said, she can at least start to better herself.... she has been working for lets say 8 years... why has she not tried to move into a managers role where she works? Not minimum wage... she should have been moving up the ladder by now and probably could be making around $40K or so (not sure what they make, but I think I read it was more than that)....


Heck, be a waitress at a higher end place and you can make some good money...


Not trying to be mean here, but it seems part of the problem is you.... why can't she live in a crappy part of town? It might motivate her to learn the skills that you mentioned or do what I said and work to move up the chain where she is already....

[Ready]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mountainsoft Regardless of my daughters motivation, there are still real world realities. She works 35-40 hours a week now between her two jobs, but at minimum wage only brings home 1200-1500 a month. The cheapest rent in the area is at least 800 for a tiny 1BR studio in a slummy part of town. No way she could afford that. Yeah, go find a better job. Easy to say, but I've looked myself and there just isn't much out there. The only ones hiring are minimum wage retail or fast food restaurants, or specialized positions requiring 3-5 years experience. Young adults living at home up 30 percent in last decade | The Columbian

Oh my, this post is bringing back terrible memories of the arguments my mother used to have with me...there are no jobs out there, everyone is paying minimum wage, blah blah blah. It was these excuses that allowed my sister to avoid stepping up and learning to take care of herself. If you are not willing to change your behavior here, you need to be prepared to take care of her for the rest of your life.

You are not helping her here, even if it may make you feel better to behave this way.

[Cassius King]

You're personally trying to blame your daughter and wife for her being at home. When it's obvious to me and probably you as well, that YOU are the enabler. You just wrote an entire paragraph defending why she should stay home. You're in denial. Seems you need just as much thought and help on this as your daughter. Just my opinion.