Advice Needed - Moving Elderly Parents

[Potstickers]

Rental (whether single floor home or apartment) seems like a better solution. I would also suggest much closer to you -- their needs will become greater over time.

[Teacher Terry]

There are group homes that specialize in elderly care and are cheaper than nursing homes. Basically they would be living in a home with a couple and a few other residents.

[Scuba]

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry There are group homes that specialize in elderly care and are cheaper than nursing homes. Basically they would be living in a home with a couple and a few other residents.

Yes. These are commonly referred to as “board & cares”. Quality varies greatly depending on the operator. The programming (what do they have for the residents to do? How do they keep them as active and stimulated as possible?) is more important than the niceness of the physical facility. Usually bathrooms are shared with others.

[mountainsoft]

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Originally Posted by joesxm3 My mother is 92 and getting feeble. She has a hard time going up stairs and needs someone helping her walking outside of the house. She can't get in and out of the bath tub and now uses a walk-in shower. My father is 88 and has been helping her, but now they have mentioned that he is starting to have trouble with the stairs also. They have virtually no savings, get minimal social security (not sure but possibly about $25k per year together - may be wrong but not much more if I am off). They own their current house clear, but it is not very nice and probably will be hard to sell and I would be surprised if it gets $100K.

If you and your parents think they can still manage on their own, you might look at 55+ apartment buildings. They're usually setup to avoid stairs, easier bathroom access, and be around people their own age.

However, based on your description, it sounds like your parents are getting beyond the stage of taking care of themselves. You could check with the state to see what kind of in-home care options are available through Medicaid, but you're most likely looking at assisted living.

My mom had a stroke a couple years ago. We moved her to a small studio apartment in an assisted living home. Her home was in very bad condition, but we spent several months fixing it up so we could sell it for a bit more money. Between a small savings, the sale of her house, and social security income she can probably self-pay another six years. After that she'll have to go on Medicaid.

I recommend visiting as many assisted living homes in the area as you can. They all have a different feel, with different prices to match. The ones in our area varied from $3500-6000 per month. The one we chose for my mom is a bit farther out of town, but it was closer to the $3500 price and felt homier than some of the others. When you're touring, be sure to find out if they take Medicaid once your parents money runs out. Some do, many don't.

You could also take a look at adult family care homes. They're generally limited to 6-8 residents in a typical family home. It's a bit more home like, but there's also less privacy. They would basically just get a bedroom and share all common areas of the house. Around here they actually cost more than most assisted living homes.

It's a tough situation. I wish you the best.

[tmm99]

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Originally Posted by imoldernu Is an autolift staircase a possibility?

That was my first thought too. My DH's parents in England installed an electric stairlift for his father anticipating immobility after his hip surgery (with all the bedrooms situated upstairs.) The kind of chair that is attached to the staircase railing and goes up the stairs by the press of a button. And you can fold the chair flat when not in use (while still attached to the railing). Their house has a high ceiling and the stairs are quite steep. That was the only modification they needed to make (they already have handles on bathtub walls, etc) and compared to the cost of the options you listed, this is easier and less costly, and it may be a viable solution for you until they need more assistance overall.

[Katsmeow]

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Originally Posted by joesxm3 taken care of or a place close enough for me to do it seems mandatory. If I have to go there several times a week, it does not seem like a three hour round trip is going to work out very well.

Definitely something close to you. It will only become more difficult over the years so being close will be a big help.

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I may be overestimating their capabilities, or underestimating the speed of decline. Parents have a way of hiding things, so I may not have a full picture. The advice about getting things moving soon makes a lot of sense.

The other thing is that change can come quickly. In early March of last year my mom was living on her own, driving, and about to turn 94. A week later she was in the hospital and then in rehab. She spent the next two months in hospital or rehab, was discharged briefly (no longer able to even be alone, let alone live alone) and then died at the end of May. The decline was shockingly quick.

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As far as trying to rent them something, one stumbling block seems to be the need for a walk-in shower. That would seem to limit us to some sort of elderly-care rental place, no?

They probably don't need a walk in shower. My mom moved into an apartment with us shortly before her death. (We were in a short term rental in preparation to moving into a new house). It had a regular tub/shower. We bought a tub transfer bench. Basically one end of the bench is outside the tub and the other end is in the tub. You set on the bench and then slide over (while sitting) to the tub side and do the shower seated. You just have to have a set up where there is room for the tub transfer bench. In many ways it is better than a walk in shower as the person never has to stand at all.

[robnplunder]

Good luck and best wishes, joesxm3. You have tough job ahead of us.

[Texas Proud]

Do they have a walk in shower now?



We bought a chair so she could transfer into the shower... also had a helper that would shower her if needed...


https://www.amazon.com/Plastic-Trans...%2C172&sr=8-11

[joesxm3]

I had thought of the stair lift, but putting it in the existing house still has the problem of me being so far away. If I were to buy the house two lots down from mine that is a split level with four stairs, maybe that might be an option.

They have a walk in shower that they had built in the cedar closet off the kitchen. I have not looked at it to see if there is a seat in it or not. They only have one bathroom upstairs and it has a tub with no shower. This is a very old house.

I had not heard of the transfer bench. That sounds like it might be a good option. If I am understanding, they could sit down, then slide over and sit on the bench while taking a shower in the tub? I don't think my mother would be able to get down in the tub and then get up again. I know a woman that worked as a home health aide. I will ask her if she is familiar with that type of bench.

Getting back to thinking about the stair lift, that might be an option if I decide to have them move in with me.

[Bongleur]

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Originally Posted by Scuba I would not put any property purchased for them to live in in their name. This could create issues down the road if one or both need nursing home care and they own a home. Better to put it in your name so they can qualify for Medicaid with no hassles.

Good point, but there is still the 5 year lookback for asset shedding. Is there a way to shed the assets? The house is the most valuable asset, shed it now.


Maybe if the OP held the mortgage so parents are paying him, with a balloon so the parents are underwater pretty soon.


Or rent from him so the cash from the sale of the house quickly transfers to him at $2000 a month.


Or take a chance and gift all assets to the OP now & hope that Medicaid doesn't happen for 5 years.


Maybe create an A/B trust so the assets of the first to die (ie half of everything) are held in trust for the benefit of the survivor, IF that would stay shielded from Medicare asset counting. Dunno if that defeats the 5 year lookback. Need a lawyer for that question.

[Another Reader]

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Originally Posted by joesxm3 I had thought of the stair lift, but putting it in the existing house still has the problem of me being so far away. If I were to buy the house two lots down from mine that is a split level with four stairs, maybe that might be an option. They have a walk in shower that they had built in the cedar closet off the kitchen. I have not looked at it to see if there is a seat in it or not. They only have one bathroom upstairs and it has a tub with no shower. This is a very old house. I had not heard of the transfer bench. That sounds like it might be a good option. If I am understanding, they could sit down, then slide over and sit on the bench while taking a shower in the tub? I don't think my mother would be able to get down in the tub and then get up again. I know a woman that worked as a home health aide. I will ask her if she is familiar with that type of bench. Getting back to thinking about the stair lift, that might be an option if I decide to have them move in with me.

The statistics say that this is not a long term issue. As previous posters have shown, one or both of them may decline quickly and pass. All of your solutions take time as well as money. Circumstances may be completely different by the time you close escrow or finish remodeling.

You need to look at solutions for a few months to a couple of years, likely with some provision for a longer stay for one parent. Some type of assisted living near you if possible is the best solution. In your shoes, I would start figuring out how much money they have in savings and their house and start looking for a one bedroom unit in the less expensive facilities. You cannot afford to have full time care for one or both at your house.

[imoldernu]

... be careful with the five year lookback... not any way of getting around it that I could see. It's a tough law, with very few loopholes.

[Katsmeow]

Quote:

Originally Posted by joesxm3 I had thought of the stair lift, but putting it in the existing house still has the problem of me being so far away. If I were to buy the house two lots down from mine that is a split level with four stairs, maybe that might be an option.

These are only good if used. My friend put one in when her mother moved into her but her mother often just doesn't use it. Recently when the mother was home alone she fell down the stairs (no injury but still scary -- she is mentally competent but decided she didn't need to use the lift since it is slow to move). Also you still have to maneuver at the top of the stairs so there is still a possibility of falling.

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I had not heard of the transfer bench. That sounds like it might be a good option. If I am understanding, they could sit down, then slide over and sit on the bench while taking a shower in the tub? I don't think my mother would be able to get down in the tub and then get up again. I know a woman that worked as a home health aide. I will ask her if she is familiar with that type of bench.

Correct, they slide over. They don't ever get down in the tub itself. Any home health aide should be very familiar with it. It helps to get one of the handheld showers so that no standing is necessary in the shower.

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Getting back to thinking about the stair lift, that might be an option if I decide to have them move in with me.

Maybe but...see above.

[Sarah S]

I am sorry. It is really difficult.

3 of my family had stairlifts. 2 worked out ok 1 wasn’t enough for the situation and the reason for it not working was they were both frail.

Having done the frail parents living an hour away I will say it isn’t going to work as their needs progress ( which I suspect will happen sooner rather than later )

No! Please! Don’t do a split level. Even IF they can manage four stairs having to manage them multiple times a day is going to drain their energy. At some point it will become impossible. I am disabled. Moving from a split level was the best thing I could have done.

They need one level living and if you are willing to supervise and help which it sounds like you are it needs to be near you. They sound perfect for assisted living but the finances are a problem. Care homes, subsidized housing elder services in your area are things to look at

Good luck. This is terribly hard I know

[nhcycling]

I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Figure out their assets. And their house value. I wouldn’t move them at this time. If anything I’d stay with them. Assisted living is expensive and it seems they may not be able to afford it. But maybe senior housing could be an option. If their care needs change significantly they may qualify for services. Best of luck.

[MrsHaloFIRE]

I would avoid purchaaing any type of home for you or them. As others have said I foresee I fluid situation. And at home cargiving can be burdensome, isolating, all the terrible things you can imagine. I would investigate options at a Sr apartment, multilevel care place, similar. And zero stairs. Thresholds even become a problem. And no rugs!!! Whats the deal with the elderly stacking and overlapping rugs?!?!? Huge hazard.

[Walt34]

If someone has mentioned it my apologies, but have you talked with a local elder law attorney? They will be familiar with what is available locally and farther out, and what your state's Medicaid laws are.

Another option is contacting a geriatric care manager, who will also be familiar with options that are local to you.

[joesxm3]

Thanks for all the advice and empathy.

I really only got started thinking about doing this a day or so before I posted here. My parents have been surviving on their own pretty well (which my step-father helping my mother as she is getting feeble), but after the idea of moving to a one level apartment was mentioned several times I figured I had better start planning.

Logically I can see the warnings about things moving suddenly, but it is hard to shift gears.

In the step-father's mind, the main issue is not having to do the snow, lawn and other house maintenance activities. He may be masking his decline, but he still seems to get around, although he is afraid to drive anywhere but close to home.

The fact that he is not as feeble as my mother complicates things. If it were just her, I would either take her into my home or move her to the appropriate assisted care situation. But having to treat them as a unit means that he is probably right that he could live in a smaller flat unit for a few years, but the question is whether he can continue to give the proper care to my mother (not really a question of if but when it breaks down).

I think he will be resistant to an assisted care situation and last night they showed signs of wanting to look for a place closer to where they are now rather than moving close to me. I think it is driven by his wanting to be in an area where he thinks he can still drive, but that will be another issue to deal with, no doubt.

I had a pen pal a while ago that took care of her mother all by herself (having moved in with the mother) and she was stuck 100% of the time for five or six years, so I know how hard that can be. I also had an aunt who tried to care for her husband with dementia way too long and it nearly killed her.

The posts have driven home the point that I need to engage some elder-care support resources to help me process information more efficiently. I will try to make contact with them and to find an elder-care attorney for an advisory meeting this week.

One thing I wonder about is whether some of the replies regarding how behind the curve I am might be overestimating the danger since they have not seen my parents. I don't want to drive myself into a frenzy based on that (and possibly alienate my parents to the idea of moving) based on that. On the other hand, they might be right and I get a sudden surprise.

Well, thanks for all the help. I appreciate it.

[Katsmeow]

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Originally Posted by joesxm3 One thing I wonder about is whether some of the replies regarding how behind the curve I am might be overestimating the danger since they have not seen my parents. I don't want to drive myself into a frenzy based on that (and possibly alienate my parents to the idea of moving) based on that. On the other hand, they might be right and I get a sudden surprise.

It can definitely rock along for awhile, it is just that once they get in the 90 or so age things can change on a dime. If they move that possiblity has to be considered. Let me put it this way. DH and I moved last year. He was 70 and I was 64. Theoretically we don't have to worry too much now as to how things will be when things change in our late 80s or late 90s. We could easily live here 20 years before we have to worry about that. (That said -- we did worry about and chose a house that will work when we get to that point).

But, if we had been buying a house when I was 84 and DH was 90 then it wouldn't make sense to buy one that we might have to sell in a short period
of time if there was a sudden decline. In that situation I would want to buy a house then that would work later.

Not a week before my mom went into the hospital and never really recovered she was looking forward to continuing to live on her own and had many things planned. But, then one little thing after another happened and it just snowballed very quickly.

[joesxm3]

Good point about the market-timing risk involved with buying a house for the parents. I suppose I could plan to make it a rental property and add a bit more real estate exposure to my portfolio.

However, I am totally out of touch with the real estate market in my area and I generally frown on making investments or large purchases when I am totally ignorant of the topic.