Advice re: prenup agreements

[Moemg]

OTOH, I am not clear what motivates 55+ year old women to seek a permanent or semi-premanent mate.

ha

I would think with most 55+ women it is the same type of care a loving man brings . Men are great companions , usually handy around the house , eager to help when you are sick and always think you look great even when you don't . Plus they usually have a few recipes they can pull off .

 

[Bestwifeever]

Plus men are fun.

Here are the latest pajamas I bought, by the way--

 

[haha]

I don't think so either, and maybe there's something in how you interpret my delivery, but you seem to often think I'm in disagreement with you when I'm mostly just following up and adding on to your thoughts. Perhaps I need to examine my delivery a bit if it's not clear.

Your delivery was completely clear. I was just following up on an idea, with no personal referents at all. It appears that it is me who needs help my delivery!

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

As someone who has been "lucky in love" and with the same woman for over 38 years I tend to forget how tricky the course can be. I recently emailed an old friend and casually asked if he had anything new to report.

His reply was pretty close to, "Well I ran off with another woman last summer. [XDW] is furious, of course, and the kids won't talk to me. Works good. How 'bout you?"

Wouldn't want to take what I've got for granted but it sure is easy to get complacent and forget that when it goes bad, it can really go bad, and fast.

 

[freebird5825]

I would think with most 55+ women it is the same type of care a loving man brings . Men are great companions , usually handy around the house , eager to help when you are sick and always think you look great even when you don't . Plus they usually have a few recipes they can pull off .

And very low maintenance...

 

[Notmuchlonger]

Plus men are fun.

Here are the latest pajamas I bought, by the way--

They look warm and comfy.

 

[Janet H]

I would ask, "Does anybody over the age of 4 own PJs any more?" if I wasn't already guilty of dreadful case of thread-jacking .

Do sweats count? I see another interesting poll on the horizon... back to the pre-nup.

I spent the better part of last week with a friend who's husband was busy dying and it was a major eye opener for me. The choices that had to be made and their extremely personal nature sort of drove home the value of intimacy and trust in a relationship. I would not want to take any action in preparation for marriage that could undermine this.

What each person needs to be comfortable and maintain trust may be different. For you that may be a clear separation of assets - for me it means 'warts and all' and each scenario has value. Maybe it's more important that both parties have the same expectations in a relationship, regardless of the details. Exploring a pre-nup is one of several ways to do this.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

I spent the better part of last week with a friend who's husband was busy dying and it was a major eye opener for me. The choices that had to be made and their extremely personal nature sort of drove home the value of intimacy and trust in a relationship. I would not want to take any action in preparation for marriage that could undermine this.

Right on target. I have seen a lot of people die in a zillion different circumstances. I can't remember one yet were the topic of discussion in the waning days and hours is money (other than making sure the will and estate papers are current). Intimacy counts heavily in those moments.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Good to remember, Rich, thanks for the perspective.
As one of those who got married young and broke, I don't have any sort of advice to offer on the prenup from personal experience.

We do like to see trust arrangements made when clients remarry later in life after divorce or death--it is more of a sure thing than a prenup in my limited experience.

And I like sweats, though some flannel bottoms and a soft t-shirt are another good choice.

 

[freebird5825]

...We do like to see trust arrangements made when clients remarry later in life after divorce or death--it is more of a sure thing than a prenup in my limited experience.

Please see post #7 for a real life example. I am a widow contemplating marrying a divorced man. It is the inheritance and marital property laws as well as the court systems that force the pre-nup issue, not the relationship between the individuals.

 

[ziggy29]

Please see post #7 for a real life example. I am a widow contemplating marrying a divorced man. It is the inheritance and marital property laws as well as the court systems that force the pre-nup issue, not the relationship between the individuals.

It's often more of an issue between older and more established folks who may have already had a marriage, prior marriages with children involved, and perhaps wildly different net worths entering the marriage. In such cases it's not unusual to have past wealth accumulation and kiddos from an earlier relationship that need separate protection when compared to two 20-somethings just starting the wealth building stage together.

 

[haha]

I think most would agree that when it comes time to die, it is best to have loving and trusting relationships in place.

I'm not going to bore you with an analysis of all the many ways that a couple may or may not get to this point. But until one party's unchanging attitudes invariably determine the outcomes of a 50 or 60 year marriage there is a lot of room for upset.

One's life goes on a long time. His death, while important, is a relatively short process.

Ha

 

[slimm]

Thanks to all for the interesting (and varied) responses.
p.s. My jammies are from Victoria's Secret & look fab with cowboy boots!

 

[Sarah in SC]

We have an estate planning attorney who speaks every year at our client seminar and I call him "the worst case scenario dude". Trust arrangements protect your assets and assure that they go to who you want them to go.

Even in early marriages, a classic example is if you have inherited or stand to inherit a piece of property with family history. If you were to die, leaving it to your spouse (and presumably going to your children later), what happens if she (or he) remarries and then dies, leaving the property to a stranger? And your kids don't get the property that was your original intent? It happens.

These matters have nothing to do with romance, just practical money matters. I think the "idea" of a pre-nup is what is so volatile, whereas family trusts/partnerships/what-have-you are seen as less about the marriage and more about the family protecting property interests.

 

[haha]

I think the "idea" of a pre-nup is what is so volatile, whereas family trusts/partnerships/what-have-you are seen as less about the marriage and more about the family protecting property interests.

I wonder if maybe a pre-nup might not be useful for that very reason. It might flush out attitudes that were previously not clear to you.

When I think about these man-woman things I often just turn it around. If I were marrying a wealthy woman, would I be upset at the idea of a pre-nup? Yes, if I were marrying her for money! Otherwise, don't think so.

Ha

 

[MichaelB]

I would think with most 55+ women it is the same type of care a loving man brings . Men are great companions , usually handy around the house , eager to help when you are sick and always think you look great even when you don't . Plus they usually have a few recipes they can pull off .

Showed this to my DW. She said a dog does most of that and is more reliable

 

[ziggy29]

When I think about these man-woman things I often just turn it around. If I were marrying a wealthy woman, would I be upset at the idea of a pre-nup? Yes, if I were marrying her for money! Otherwise, don't think so.

You're right, but I think it's also interesting to see how some attitudes can change when you reverse the genders. Sometimes people who might see that a wealthy woman might want to protect herself with a pre-nup might balk at the idea of a wealthy man doing the same (or vice versa). I suppose some of that may be due to the imprinting of that "man as provider and woman as nurturer" claptrap that many of us grew up around and may have at least partially embedded in our subconscious.

 

[freebird5825]

Cliche du jour:
Love is love, but business is business.

I do realize I am slightly atypical for my gender, as are the rest of the ladies here, but that is exactly why we are here.
Besides the fact that we really like your company.

 

[tmm99]

When I think about these man-woman things I often just turn it around. If I were marrying a wealthy woman, would I be upset at the idea of a pre-nup? Yes, if I were marrying her for money! Otherwise, don't think so.

Ha,

I was initially for the prenup camp, but I started vacillating between the two camps...... until I read your POV.

tmm

 

[Zoocat]

NM

 

[Moemg]

Hmmm, admittedly I am very cynical but I have a lot of company in that attitude.

You do have a lot of company but look at that company are they enjoying
male companionship or just complaining about men ? My So is not 1 in a thousand . He's just a regular guy who responds to a woman liking him for him . There are hundreds of guys out there who are your age and single ( divorced or widowed ) and looking for a woman who accepts and likes them for who they are . So you can decide if it's worth a chance or just keep coming up with reasons it will not work ?
P.S . I know how you feel . I was divorced after a ten year marriage and that was much more crushing than being widowed .

 

[Zoocat]

You do have a lot of company but look at that company are they enjoying
male companionship or just complaining about men ? My So is not 1 in a thousand . He's just a regular guy who responds to a woman liking him for him . There are hundreds of guys out there who are your age and single ( divorced or widowed ) and looking for a woman who accepts and likes them for who they are . So you can decide if it's worth a chance or just keep coming up with reasons it will not work ?
P.S . I know how you feel . I was divorced after a ten year marriage and that was much more crushing than being widowed .

Moemg, I appreciate your response but it seems that you are assuming that I "haven't given it a chance." I have been out there. I don't like what I have seen. How long does one keep putting out the energy in a given proposition? Or does one move on to other aspects of life that are more fufilling? I spent many years focusing on the man in my life. I don't need another one to "make me happy."

 

[Moemg]

Moemg, I appreciate your response but it seems that you are assuming that I "haven't given it a chance." I have been out there. I don't like what I have seen. How long does one keep putting out the energy in a given proposition? Or does one move on to other aspects of life that are more fufilling? I spent many years focusing on the man in my life. I don't need another one to "make me happy."

You are right plus I'm sorry that I did not see you had deleted your post otherwise I would not have responded .You are also right there are some real toads out there . I would never recommend to just focus on finding a mate and if it sounded like I did I'm sorry . Let's face it mates come & go through divorce or death so you'd better have a lot more in your life than one person . I unfortunately learned this the hard way . So enjoy your life especially your new granddaughter and if along the way you meet someone then you meet someone .

 

[Zoocat]

You are right plus I'm sorry that I did not see you had deleted your post otherwise I would not have responded .You are also right there are some real toads out there . I would never recommend to just focus on finding a mate and if it sounded like I did I'm sorry . Let's face it mates come & go through divorce or death so you'd better have a lot more in your life than one person . I unfortunately learned this the hard way . So enjoy your life especially your new granddaughter and if along the way you meet someone then you meet someone .

No offense taken!