Age-asymmetrical marriage: How to handle people's curiosity

[FUEGO]

I just tell people my wife's a mail order bride.

That usually stalls the conversation pretty well.

 

[donheff]

I would give them the benefit of the doubt. I suspect most are not snarky or malicious, just dumb (e.g. "is this your daughter?"). I once saw Senator Chris Dodd in my local greasy spoon eating breakfast with a girl about 6 years old. I popped out with "good morning, Senator, is that your grand daughter?" His "no, my daughter" left me feeling like the idiot I was. I only popped out with that because I have grand-kids who live down the block from Dodd and was about to mention that. Needless to say we didn't have that conversation.

 

[frayne]

Smile and wink and just say that he has some very special skills !

 

[latexman]

Some people really are naïve. DW and I had 1 child and adopted 4 more. We have a very diverse family. A young waitress at a Chinese restaurant once asked us, "how did you do that?" I took the time to explain it to her. With her culture and history, adoption was a very foreign subject. She knew it existed, but had never seen much of it in her life, so it did not pop into her mind before she asked the question.


Also, some people are mean. Usually, I can tell by how they ask their first question or two. I do not waste my time with these fools, so there is no response other than me walking away.

 

[jerome len]

my wife and I have a BIG age difference! But......very, very few people ever mention it, even at medical care facilities, supermarket check outs, banks etc . Maybe, just because we really look in love after many years of marriage.

Whenever, however seldom, if comes up either of will say, "we're the same age, DW just had a heck of a face lift, however" and then both laugh!.....

Frankly we're happy, don't care what people think, don't let it bug us......if they have a problem....that's their problem....both of our families including extended families love us and we love them.....it's all good.......remember part of this is attitude..... have fun and laugh about it.....make yourself happy! Good luck!

 

[HFWR]

I believe the correct answer is "fo"...

 

[Bestwifeever]

We met a married couple this summer with a very noticeable generation or more age difference between them--they happened to be with some other people we know and we had no idea who they were or their relationship to each other and didn't care, but after a few minutes of chatting it was obvious they were married to each other. Lovely couple. The minute they left, the other people started gossiping about them in depth to us (including the fact that there is a 32 year age difference). So watch out for your friends, they can be worse than the strangers. As Oscar Wilde once said, "A true friend will stab you in the front."

You seem to run into a lot of rude or sanctimonious people, Amethyst--it would be hard not to respond their comments in kind but I think I would let their comments roll off and then have fun later bashing them in the privacy of my own home.

 

[Amethyst]

We are a teeny bit "PDA" ourselves, which tends to get nice comments. We aren't sloppy or gross, but sometimes will hold hands and make silly faces at each other, that sort of thing.

One time, an "is that your Dad" comment was made (in a store) and I said Yes and then went up to "Dad" and gave him a smack on the lips. Unlike Lot's wife, I didn't turn back to see the reaction

There is no end of humor to be had, but sometimes people just don't deserve the effort. You all have given some good ideas (as usual). Both of us love the "fisherman" retort.

m Maybe, just because we really look in love after many years of marriage.

!

 

[haha]

This must be an east coast thing. I doubt anyone would care enough about you to ask out here. And that is not necessarily a good thing.

Ever hear the cowboy era song "Tell me what was your name in the states, was it Thompson or Johnson or Bates, did you murder your wife, did you flee for your life, now what was your name in the states?"

Humans construct hierarchies, relationship maps, etc. To be expected.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[mystang52]

I'm generally very poor at coming up with a good answer on the spot in cases like this, but here you have time to think about it.

If/when I can think before I respond, I think it is helpful to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they really didn't mean to be rude, maybe they just spoke before they thought, maybe they would be embarrassed once it sunk in. So give them a way out.

Maybe something like "Yes, there is an age difference, but it's never been an issue for us, we've been happily married for X years".

I bet that would settle it for most people. If they persist, some of the more 'in your face'/clever/snarky replies are probably in order. But most times, I'd think that comment would deescalate the situation, except for the truly dense/drunk/high.

-ERD50

+1 Sometimes people are crude, but don't intend to be rude. Not quite the same thing, but here's a parallel: I don't advertise it, but I no longer hide that I have CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia). Many is the time I get the comment - "oh, that's the good cancer." Uhhh, no it's not. But I just give a non-commital reply and move on.

 

[Lakewood90712]

Rude / Obnoxious people are never in short supply. Some are clueless of how offensive their comments are, some are well aware and intentional.

I have gotten less tolerant of these types as I age . Me I would say " No offence, but that is really none of your business. Have a nice day" . Then avoid both eye contact and speech.

Perfect example: neighbor couple next to my mom's place pull this kind of crap often, just can't mind their own business, The Husband does it deliberately for his sick entertainment, and his wife is clueless about how offensive prying questions are.

I ignore anything the husband says other than hello, and had to tell his wife " None of your business, don't ask me anymore questions ever again" . She was chasing me into mom's backyard trying to apologize.....Was I mean ? Passive-Aggressive ?maybe so, but I never get any prying questions from her again.

I should have done this years ago. Lettings fester just makes them grow.

 

[redduck]

.. and had to tell his wife " None of your business, don't ask me anymore questions ever again" . She was chasing me into mom's backyard trying to apologize.....Was I mean ? Passive-Aggressive ?maybe so...

Well, maybe a bit more Aggressive than Passive. Geez, what did she ask you that set you off?

 

[Amethyst]

And how did you respond to the shocking facts so revealed?

W The minute they left, the other people started gossiping about them in depth to us (including the fact that there is a 32 year age difference).

One thing that strikes me about this thread is that several people have counseled me not to "let it bother me," as if I were at fault for being annoyed when people openly betray their bigotry.

It's funny; we have many lengthy threads about "what to do when people criticize my early retirement," and my thought is always "if they're happy, why do they let what others say bother them." I guess where you sit is where you stand, or words to that effect.

 

[Amethyst]

I don't blame you one bit. Those people weren't casual strangers, they were bullies bent on harassing you. A pox on them! It's a wonder you didn't call them a few choice things into the bargain.

had to tell his wife " None of your business, don't ask me anymore questions ever again" . She was chasing me into mom's backyard trying to apologize.....Was I mean ? Passive-Aggressive ?maybe so, but I never get any prying questions from her again.

I should have done this years ago. Lettings fester just makes them grow.

 

[MooreBonds]

Just don't forget to consider the counter-scenario.

Granted, I'm sure there are some settings where it's not necessary to ask, but there could be some situations (healthcare setting, where spouse has rights for medical decisions, as one example) where it is genuinely necessary to find out who the person next to them is.

And perhaps you will concede that the number of instances of a large age gap in a marriage is probably much less than the number of instances where you do have a legitimate case of 'just a parent and child' instead of the 2 people with a large age gap being married.

If you were in such a setting (where you were with a non-spouse relative who was indeed a generation apart), how would you feel if someone instead assumed you were married? Would the younger person feel insulted that they appeared much older? Would one or both feel insulated that they appeared as someone who just goes after someone younger as a sugar momma/daddy?

As I said, many times it's not necessary to ask - but don't forget about the potential ramifications of someone who is truly trying to guess for perhaps a valid reason, and is instead assuming the situation is one of the vast majority of cases of 2 different generations, rather than you being married to each other (which is a much smaller % of times).

 

[Options]

One of the benefits of getting older is you stop caring what people think. In fact, I love saying scandalous things now just to shock people.

As to rudeness, the good people I know and care about are never be intentionally rude. Strangers who are realize instantaneously they've just made a big mistake.

 

[youbet]

Just don't forget to consider the counter-scenario.

Granted, I'm sure there are some settings where it's not necessary to ask, but there could be some situations (healthcare setting, where spouse has rights for medical decisions, as one example) where it is genuinely necessary to find out who the person next to them is.

And perhaps you will concede that the number of instances of a large age gap in a marriage is probably much less than the number of instances where you do have a legitimate case of 'just a parent and child' instead of the 2 people with a large age gap being married.

If you were in such a setting (where you were with a non-spouse relative who was indeed a generation apart), how would you feel if someone instead assumed you were married? Would the younger person feel insulted that they appeared much older? Would one or both feel insulated that they appeared as someone who just goes after someone younger as a sugar momma/daddy?

As I said, many times it's not necessary to ask - but don't forget about the potential ramifications of someone who is truly trying to guess for perhaps a valid reason, and is instead assuming the situation is one of the vast majority of cases of 2 different generations, rather than you being married to each other (which is a much smaller % of times).

Your post helped me understand Amethyst's situation.

I Disagree with you regarding the frequency of "need to know" situations justifying asking for the details of a relationship to be identified. I think these situations would be relatively rare. Yes, in a medical situation, the medical staff needs to know who you are, but they can ask without coupling the question with a guess or assumption. They can ask "who are you?" as opposed to "are you his wife or his daughter?" Or "are you married?"

When I go to my disabled grandson's school to pick him up, I am asked to identify myself. I clearly look old enough that I'm likely to be grandpa and not dad. But no one ever asks "are you junior's grandfather or his dad"? They simply ask who I am. And when I identify myself, they check for the letter in the file authorizing me to pick him up and leave with him. (I take him to Easter Seals for therapy.)

I doubt that many situations beyond these kind of examples (with legal implications) arise in life. And they'll be fairly rare. It seems Amethyst's situation involves rude, nosy folks who are just idly curious and want to inappropriately know more and press for details.

Here's another example. The school asks who I am and checks ID when I pick my grandson up during the school day. I understand and It's perfectly OK. Then, on the way home from therapy, we stop at a restaurant for lunch. A nosy waitress wants to know if he is my son or grandson. Inappropriate and rude. I could have fathered a child with a younger woman or he could be my grandson. But no business of hers even if she means no harm by the questioning. Zero tip for that b#tch.

 

[Amethyst]

MooreBonds,

We have no problem explaining in a doctor or dentist's office, where a "need to know" exists. For one thing, you usually introduce yourself in such places. They don't come up to you out of nowhere I was seeking ways to deal with people who had no business asking in the first place, or won't let go.

I don't think it's any more legitimate to assume a "sugar" relationship because there's an age difference, than to assume a "green card-seeking" relationship if there is difference in race or nationality. If I did arrive at such an assumption, I wouldn't inquire of the parties to find out if I was right

.[/QUOTE]

 

[Bestwifeever]

And how did you respond to the shocking facts so revealed?



One thing that strikes me about this thread is that several people have counseled me not to "let it bother me," as if I were at fault for being annoyed when people openly betray their bigotry.

It's funny; we have many lengthy threads about "what to do when people criticize my early retirement," and my thought is always "if they're happy, why do they let what others say bother them." I guess where you sit is where you stand, or words to that effect.

Well, we didn't think it was shocking--is it? I must be oblivious because I've never noticed random stranger commenting to me about personal things and no criticisms about ER either.

My aunt looks several years older than her husband even though he is actually older than her and she still laughs about when an airline ticket agent told her that her "son" had the tickets--no harm, he just meant that guy you are traveling with and made an assumption. I don't think it was a form of bigotry but I am not sitting or standing there so maybe it was.

 

[Amethyst]

Exactly. We are adults; we know how to introduce ourselves. A couple's introduction will tell you how they are coupled. "Hi, I'm Sam and this is my brother, George." (You don't go up to them and say, "Hey, are you guys gay?")

Your post helped me understand Amethyst's situation.

I Disagree with you regarding the frequency of "need to know" situations justifying asking for the status of a relationship to be identified. Yes, in a medical situation, the medical staff needs to know who you are, and they can ask without coupling the question with a guess or assumption. They can ask "who are you?" as opposed to are you his wife or daughter? Or "are you married?"

When I go to my disabled grandson's school to pick him up, I am asked to identify myself. I clearly look old enough that I'm likely to be grandpa and not dad. But no one ever asks "are you junior's grandfather"? They ask who I am. And when I identify myself, they check for the letter of file authorizing me to pick him up and leave with him. (I take him to Easter Seals for therapy.)

I doubt that many situations beyond these kind of examples (with legal implications) arise in life. It seems Amethyst's situation involves rude, nosy folks who are just idly curious and want to inappropriately know more and press for details.

 

[FUEGO]

A nosy waitress wants to know if he is my son or grandson. Inappropriate and rude. I could have fathered a child with a younger woman or he could be my grandson. But no business of hers even if she means no harm by the questioning. Zero tip for that b#tch.

Wow, I had no clue this was inappropriate. I've asked this question before to older folks at my kid's gym playtime and at the park. Just making conversation and trying to relate to other people. "Is that your son/daughter/kid?" is about the nicest way I can think of to ask this question without presuming relationships that might be offensive. The person might be a social worker/case worker, therapist, aunt or uncle, sibling, grandparent, friend of the family, etc.

A trickier question is "are you the mom or the nanny?" when I see a very young mom with many kids close together in age but not obviously multiples. "Is that your kid?" seems to work well in this situation too.

If these people don't want to talk or reveal anything about themselves, it's easy to take a hint and bug off. I can't recall getting the bug off signal though. Or maybe I'm clueless.

 

[Amethyst]

You can ask "is/are they your handsome boy(s)/beautiful girl(s)?" It's a friendly compliment that assumes nothing. You will surely learn "yes, my kids/grandkids/I'm out with my kids and my sister's kids today" or "Oh, I'm their nanny," in return. That would apply whether it's a man or a woman with the children, since nowadays, some nannies are men.

A trickier question is "are you the mom or the nanny?" when I see a very young mom with many kids close together in age but not obviously multiples. "Is that your kid?" seems to work well in this situation too.

If these people don't want to talk or reveal anything about themselves, it's easy to take a hint and bug off. I can't recall getting the bug off signal though. Or maybe I'm clueless.

No, it just means you're not doing anything to make them feel uncomfortable. Our issues are with nosy strangers, who aren't interested in making friends with us. Their only goal is to find out a) what our relationship consists of and b) how far apart in age we are.

 

[youbet]

If these people don't want to talk or reveal anything about themselves, it's easy to take a hint and bug off. I can't recall getting the bug off signal though. Or maybe I'm clueless.

In my world, being probed by total strangers for relationship information, even if just for small talk, is inappropriately intrusive. In a circumstance such as you describe, where there is at least some common ground (you said gym playtime), if you asked me out of the blue whether junior was my son or my grandson, I'd likely tell you. But I wouldn't appreciate the fact that you probed for the information as opening remarks.

Whether I'm " social worker/case worker, therapist, aunt or uncle, sibling, grandparent, friend of the family, etc." is something I'd rather not be pressured to tell a stranger as the first words of our meeting. And I think that's a fairly common feeling here in our urban area.

If you were to introduce yourself first giving a significant amount of your own personal data, that would make a difference. "Hi, I'm Fuego. I live over on 5th street near the school. That's my daughter Betty Lou over there on the jungle gym." After that I'd likely respond with "Glad to meet you Fuego. My name is youbet and I'm here with my grandson junior there on the slide."

But having you just walk up and ask if I'm dad or grandpa or social worker, etc., I don't care for that.

Now at Easter Seals, where I take my grandson for therapy, relatives and care givers all get to know each other pretty well over a short time. We have something in common. We introduce ourselves to new people and introduce the new people to other veterans. It's not uncommon to know quite a bit about folks you've only known for a few months. We have some strong common ground.

BTW, I notice your kid doesn't look like you. From your wife's first marriage? Adopted? Does the biological dad have visitation rights? How's it working out? (Some personal, probing questions from total strangers can just make you feel uncomfortable.)

 

[W2R]

I tend to think that most people are way more interested in themselves than they are in others. If someone rudely blurts out a question about a couple's age difference, yes, I would probably think it was rude. But still, I might muse about the incident later on. Perhaps that rude person's heart was broken, because of choosing not to marry the love of their life who was 20 years older, a long time ago. The only reason I might be thinking that, is that maybe it would be human nature for the rude person to be consumed with thoughts of his/her own past, rather than curious about somebody else's present.

 

[SilentWalker]

My DW is 25 years younger than I and while I look young for my age it still leaves plenty of room for obvious age difference. Now after 4 years together I would say we have never received a rude question or comment related to our age difference. It may be because virtually always when we go somewhere together we have our toddler with us which makes the nature of our relationship pretty clear to most. Would I ever receive a rude question from a stranger, this thread has given me plenty of good tips for a response.