Caring for an Elderly Parent

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelB Give your wife some slack and support. She probably needs it. She may be aware that her siblings could help more, but if they don't, she may feel it isn't worth a squabble. She might see this as an opportunity to provide some loving care for the person that gave her life and raised her. Also a last chance to have some quality time together. It's possible she sees this as a short term thing, and her sacrifice is greater than yours. By doing these things for her DM she may be making sure her mother's quality of life is as good as possible, and the sacrifice at home is not a loss of time with you, just a postponement.

Agree. I am the prime person in charge of my mother's care (almost 92) and my DW is the same for her mother (88). Both are in assisted living facilities but still need a lot of help. We both have sibs that are mostly useless. It has to be done, we do it, end of story.

[imoldernu]

Giving advice is not my thing, particularly when it has to do with human emotions. I can only say what my wife and I are doing, at age 80.

We don't want to be a burden on our kids, so are trying to plan ahead to avoid the problems that will certainly face us in the neartime.

First, we brought the whole family together, and opened up our souls... our worries, our expectations, and the probabilities for the coming years. We opened our finances and our hopefully realistic plans for when either of us would become unable to go forward on our own... one without the other. It's not easy, but once it's out in the open, the problems become more manageable. Not just for us, but for our kids too. Therein, lies the way forward.

It's not just a matter of who does what today, but more of opening up the dialogue, and talking face to face... to get everyone on the same page. Everyone gets a chance to vent, without recriminations, without anger or fear.
Not a time for blame... just clearing the air. If it's unfair, sobeit.

We were very open, about our thoughts, expectations and especially about our finances. And we listened... Agreeing, disagreeing, and essentially getting on the same page. It worked for us, and we're all that much closer because of it.

That said, yes... it won't work for everyone, but it can clear the air. If it's not all warm and fuzzy, at least it stops the brooding and repressed anger.

The money part is very important. Without knowing, it's the blind leading the blind. In our case, we did the heavy lifting of making the decision to move to a villa in our CCRC, which will ease the next step of moving to one of the apartments, assisted living or nursing home if and when it's necessary. Even though we are both still physically reasonably healthy, the lifting of the major burdens of owning and maintaining the old homestead has made a big difference in our worry factor. If we hadn't done this 13 years ago, I'm sure that by now, we'd have moved into the apartments in our CCRC. As we age, it becomes more difficult to keep social contacts, and living in the apartment, keeps older persons in a more stimulating environment. That also goes for assisted living. If the money is there, this kind of option would be our choice.

If the level of care/assistance were to be beyond our ability to pay, then I would expect that our kids would be investigating the alternatives... medicare, medicaid, local assisted living homes and whatever our finances would allow. I would expect them to do some of the footwork, and to work with us to discuss the alternatives.

The hardest part would have been for us to be on our own, pushed into the unknown.

So, sorry, no advice. Just my/our own feelings about getting older.

[Music Lover]

You have to have each other's back. Support her and pick up the slack...she doesn't need to deal with another person who isn't pulling their weight.

[Blue Collar Guy]

you and your wife are both in a tough spot, in many families 1 child gets the lions share of the load. I have 3 older sisters, they call my mom about 1 time a week. i take care of everything for the rest of the 7 days. I would bore you with the list but you are living it so you know its longer than Santa's list. Before mom turned 91 i asked them can you take mom for a month? She would like to visit and i can go to my doctors appoints etc. One had the nerve to send me brochures for assisted living. i no longer speak to her. My wife is a Saint, i can see how some couples fall apart with this situation. I tell my wife constantly im sorry that i cant do this or that,. She tells me she is sorry for me. I pray each day it will be better. It has not so far but i keep hoping, Good Luck.

[rodi]

MountainSoft - I feel you... My DH is one of 6 kids. We're fortunate that 3 of the 6 have the bandwidth and motivation to help - now it comes down to geography.

Your wife is doing what she needs to do. This is her mother. Be supportive. I'm sure she feels overwhelmed and underappreciated - and is just trying to do what's right.

Perhaps you can get a home health aide out to handle 1 bag change a week - and your wife can handle the other... that would cut her burden in half. If your MIL doesn't want to pay for it then it might be worth paying out of your pocket just to reduce the stress on your wife and yourself.

[Sue J]

I was reading your post and nodding in agreement with your issues. When my Dad was alive he didn't need any personal care from us like your MIL but he needed to be taken to the VA medical center for doctors appointments. My sister lived right in his neighborhood. She took him to the VA once and then said she'd never do that again, it was icky and inconvenient and interfered with her swim time and her lunch with friends.

DH was already retired so he said he'd do these appointments. We are 45 minutes away and he'd drive up early, pick up Dad, drive downtown to the VA and do all the waiting and attending. My Dad's favorite part was getting lunch at the Patriots Cafe at the VA. Then DH would drive him home, get him settled inside and then have the drive back home. DH basically set aside an entire day to take Dad to a VA appointment. My sister lives right there and couldn't be inconvenienced. Thankfully DH enjoyed these escapades with my Dad. DHs father died in 2000 at age 70 and DH said these are the things that he wished he could have done with his own father. I went with them a few times and the VA was not icky, it was quite nice, and my Dad was treated like an honored member.

Dad was living in an assisted living facility so we didn't have to provide any care but I would visit on the weekends. I avoided the weekdays if I could because of the traffic in his area. He liked that I came, always thanked me for making the trip and then he'd say he was fine and everything was the same and then he was done. Visits lasted about 5 minutes, maybe I could stretch it to 10. And then I'd drive back another 45 minutes.

So I understand about how she wants to be of help to her Mom but it becomes a full day trip. As your MIL gets older is there any chance she'd be willing to move closer to your area? It doesn't sound like she's needing an assisted living place yet but if she gets to that point look for one closer to your area. Multi-weekly trips become a simple errand if she's in your neighborhood.