DD and Wedding

[Sunset]

Some folks get really caught up in the social expectations of a wedding and emotions run high. Fortunately about 50% don't divorce.

One funny aspect I see a lot, is the man rents his tux. The woman instead of renting (which is easy and cheap) buys one for $1,200 -> $3,000 ++ and then either trashes it, or saves it until it yellows and her future children don't want to wear it. Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

[6miths]

Two daughters and two sons. They have money set aside for whatever they choose to use it for. Hopefully not much of it will be spent on wedding costs.

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sue J ...... Our 30 year old son has had a "good friend" from Beijing, China for about a year. They met in Kauai and have kept in touch and now she is visiting here and "suddenly" this has all changed. Although no one has formally defined anything, it's sure looking like a romance with thoughts and plans for the future. .... My son told me there is a Chinese custom that the groom's parents make a payment to the bride's parents to offset the loss of her support in the future. What??!! Like a dowry? Is this a cow, 2 goats and a couple of chickens? I don't know if this is still expected or even if he was joking. If this progresses to SERIOUS I think we will need details. ....

I just asked my friend from China who often goes back to visit family and keeps in touch with her friends from there.

She said "
Yes, I heard that in some small towns or villages some people still doing that, but not all. Not in the big cities, me & all my friends never asked money neither their kids. Ring or gifts that's all, and usually girls family will give gifts back too.

That boy must be dating a girl from poor, small place, you know we have a lot rich people in China & more poor people there too"

Of course I had to ask her: how much ?

She said "
Vary from place to place, I read from few thousands to more than 10 thousands or even more, the best way is to ask the girl, I don't know either, but if he is not Chinese then he doesn't need to do that at all.
"

My thinking is:
Maybe the girl moved to Bejing or is only using city as a reference point, rather than some small town nearby nobody would know about. Like how I use Chicago when talking to folks in other States/Countries ?

Interesting comment from her about if the boy is not Chinese, then it's not a requirement ?

[DrRoy]

My wedding was the traditional split of the modest cost. Of course, that was almost 35 years ago. Still on DW1.

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjquantz Both of our daughters were given a dollar figure and were told that they were responsible for 50% of everything over that figure. The family of DD#1's fiance had only boys, was southern, probably were aware that they had more money than we did and they offered to pay 50%. We left some things out of the final tally when we accepted their offer but felt very fortunate to have them help out.

Our DD was engaged last December and we are doing something similar. We told them that we will pay up to $x, and 50/50 from there up to $y and anything above that is 100% on them. DD characterized $x as 'generous'.

Like the OP, we expected to pay for the whole thing... then I read somewhere that the groom's parents are typically responsible for a the band or DJ and liquor, which was a pleasant surprise to me. Over the weekend, DD relayed that the groom's parents had volunteered to contribute about 20% of $x (without being asked), which is nice of them.

We also told them that if the cost of the wedding is less than $x that we will contribute the difference towards the house that they are building.

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by athena53 Is it still acceptable in the South to have a cash bar at the reception? I encountered this in TX but it was about 15 years ago. That could save you a bundle!

We will provide beer and wine and beyond that it will be BYOB (more casual wedding venue).

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodi .... I guess my advise is to ....c) Don't impose a large wish list of your friends and extended family unless you're willing to pay more... Your DD and future SIL will want *their* friends there. If they have only met your second cousin George once (or never) - keep him off the list.

That was an issue for us as 3 of the 4 parents come from big families... between the four of us there are 20 siblings so just parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins (and spouses and +1s) of the bride and groom total over 120 people.

We've decided to bypass our (parents of the bride and groom) cousins and are inviting less than 5 couples who are our friends since the chosen venue has a capacity of 200 and the bride and groom are inviting a lot of their friends.... we figure that it is their day, not ours.

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rambler When our DD started talking about all the "fluff" she wanted, we sat her down and explained to her that yes, we were "well to do" but that didn't mean she could spend whatever she wanted. We gave her a $15,000 budget, and told he she could keep whatever she didn't spend. This is, of course, after she told us she expected us to shell out "at least the average" of $35,000 (6 years ago). After the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth were over, she got down to planning it. She ended up having a beautiful, but low key wedding, and $6500 left over for her and SIL to use to start their new life together. BTW, she still had most of that money, even after two more years of college, an internship in Hong Kong, and then SIL's two year masters program. Today, she is grateful that we taught her about using her money wisely instead of just letting her go wild on the wedding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElizabethT We set a dollar amount, advised both DD's in turn what it was, wrote a check and then stepped aside. The amounts were not large, $5,000 for each DD. The reason, is that we had previously shelled out $60,000 per daughter for two UC college degrees, allowing each to graduate with $0 debt, and believed those were far more important than a fancy wedding. Both DD's elected to proceed with modest, i.e., small weddings, and neither is indicating any regret some 3-5 years down the road.

Sounds like you both did the right thing for your own daughters.

[behindthedimes]

We paid a bunch ourselves and made some concessions (we did a cocktail party reception to save on a sit down dinner, we also didn't have bridal/groom parties). DWs parents gave us a good chunk of money and we used as little as possible on the wedding and used more toward paying down debt and a down payment on our first home. My parents paid for the 'rehearsal dinner'. Also paid for a second post wedding party near them since we couldn't invite everyone to the wedding proper.

[Clone]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

DW made her wedding dress.

A number of years ago we had the task of cleaning out DW's parent's house, as they had moved to assisted living. We came across DW's wedding dress, which had been packed away for about 25 years. DW asked 'What should we do with it?' I responded- 'You better hang onto it, you might need it again!'

That was not one of our better days...

[folivier]

My DW wore her mom's dress which thankfully had been packed away nicely. Her 2 sisters also wore the same dress. This saved my FIL bunches!
My oldest son we paid for the rehearsal dinner and their honeymoon. Ended up paying for half of the catering when his ex-inlaws asked us to help prepare and serve the food at the reception. HUH that ain't happening, we wanted to enjoy ourselves. and did.

[Bestwifeever]

I would have made my wedding dress but we ended up with a rather small (six people plus DH and I) wedding so I just wore a blue minidress and DH wore his Army uniform --doubtful we would have had a bigger wedding anyway. I would have worn my mom's wedding attire but I didn't fit into her WAVE uniform (not to mention I wasn't a WAVE so probably not appropriate anyway).

I did make DD's veil which is packed away with her wedding gown; it's a very simple dress so I think one of my g'daughters might be interested in it one day, but who knows, who cares.

I love that weddings are all different and yet all the same--we hope the couple is happy, since they decided to marry, and has a good life together.

[Janet H]

Back in the dark ages when I married, my folks sat me down and asked "so.. what are you thinking about for a wedding" ...

Awkward...

What we finally did was a backyard wedding - in a NICE yard. With a party.

It was casual and relaxed. We had a BBQ and potluck. There was a wedding cake made by a friend, an open bar and a band. My practical mom bought me a cream colored Pendleton wool suit instead of a dress that I wore for decades afterwards.

There were tents and room for fidgety kids to run around. Bored teens played bocce ball and pitched horseshoes off to the side. We had a badminton net set up and kites, bubblewands and lots of lounge chairs. Family came from across the country, friends got pleasantly soused and everyone had a good time. It was celebratory but not fussy.

My folks supplied the bar, the BBQ and someone to cook it, the tables and tents and strong armed a friend with an awesome yard into donating the venue.

Guests brought side dishes, someone even showed up with an ice cream churn full of strawberry.

My dad still thanks me for having an event that didn't require uncomfortable shoes.

Sit her down and begin.... "So.. what are you thinking about for a wedding....."

[Sue J]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset I just asked my friend from China who often goes back to visit family and keeps in touch with her friends from there. She said " Yes, I heard that in some small towns or villages some people still doing that, but not all. Not in the big cities, me & all my friends never asked money neither their kids. Ring or gifts that's all, and usually girls family will give gifts back too. That boy must be dating a girl from poor, small place, you know we have a lot rich people in China & more poor people there too" Of course I had to ask her: how much ? She said " Vary from place to place, I read from few thousands to more than 10 thousands or even more, the best way is to ask the girl, I don't know either, but if he is not Chinese then he doesn't need to do that at all. " My thinking is: Maybe the girl moved to Bejing or is only using city as a reference point, rather than some small town nearby nobody would know about. Like how I use Chicago when talking to folks in other States/Countries ? Interesting comment from her about if the boy is not Chinese, then it's not a requirement ?

Thanks for asking your friend about this. The young woman grew up in a farming village until she was 15 when her father got a government job in Beijing. She lives with them in Beijing ( we found it on Google maps) but she travels a lot in China and is currently visiting the USA and Canada for 3 months. She is educated (lawyer), self employed (not as a lawyer) very biligual and very culturally open minded.

I think the comment about the payment to parents was more about how some people handle it, not specifically her family. But nice to know that it is not required if the man is not Chinese!

They were over here last night for the Superbowl and this is looking more and more like an ongoing romantic relationship with future plans. So exciting for all of us. It's a whole new world!

[rodi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset Some folks get really caught up in the social expectations of a wedding and emotions run high. Fortunately about 50% don't divorce. One funny aspect I see a lot, is the man rents his tux. The woman instead of renting (which is easy and cheap) buys one for $1,200 -> $3,000 ++ and then either trashes it, or saves it until it yellows and her future children don't want to wear it. Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

My grandmother's dress was made by her mother using the fanciest fabric they had on hand - some brown velvet plus lots of hand tatted lace. It was the depression so having velvet was a bonus. Gorgeous dress (still in my attic). My mom's dress was made by my grandmother (her mother). If I'd been thin enough, I'd have worn it... very 50's, tea length, lots of tulle. Instead my BFF made my dress from a cocktail dress pattern. We chose a raw silk that was only $10/yard because it was in the upholstery section. The same fabric (literally the same) in the other part of the fabric store, was $25/yard. I have all 3 dresses stored in my attic in the proper acid free paper. I have sons, so I should probably donate these dresses somewhere...

My veil was the same one my MIL and SIL wore. So I did have some hand-me-down/re-use on my wedding look.

We made our own hand-tied bouquets and boutonnieres & corsages.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clone DW made her wedding dress. A number of years ago we had the task of cleaning out DW's parent's house, as they had moved to assisted living. We came across DW's wedding dress, which had been packed away for about 25 years. DW asked 'What should we do with it?'

DB and DSIL are clearing out Mom and Dad's place so that Dad can move to assisted living (Mom died last October). DSIL found Mom's wedding dress and posted a picture on FaceBook. One good place for it, although it's for a very sad cause: there are groups that make "Angel Gowns" out of donated wedding dresses- they're for babies who were stillborn or died soon after birth. A duplicate is given to the parents as a keepsake. That's probably what we're going to do with Mom's.

Sorry for a sad digression but I think this is a great use for beautiful, expensive gowns that otherwise may never be used again.

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset One funny aspect I see a lot, is the man rents his tux. The woman instead of renting (which is easy and cheap) buys one for $1,200 -> $3,000 ++ and then either trashes it, or saves it until it yellows and her future children don't want to wear it. Sometimes there are exceptions where daughter wears mother's wedding dress or rents one but its pretty rare.

DW was close to picking the option of either eloping or the courthouse wedding to escape all the family drama connected to it. For a dress, she found one she liked at J.C. Penny for ~$200 (this in 1988). Not bad.

She's a keeper.

[Luck_Club]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodi When my sister got married dad (frugal to the nth degree) offered her $5000. .

Dixie

FNL Offered $4K total in high COL area. I recall being slightly upset at distant relatives that "had to be invited" who didn't even gift enough to cover their dinner, since wife and I paid the rest. Do over cut all relatives beyond those we saw more than 1 time per year, and all "family" friends.

On the very positive side 25 years still going strong.

Time to start planting the seeds for small weddings and elopements for my on kids.

[NW-Bound]

My only daughter got married a bit more than 1 year ago. SIL did talk with us to ask for permission before proposing, and we kept it a secret so it was a surprise to DD.


They had planned a simple wedding that they could afford, but we had none of it. I explained that we had to invite family members, many from out of town. Relatives would gladly come, and in fact would be upset if not invited. And they would give generous cash gifts.


They did not ask us for anything, but I explained that as the family guests were ours we would pay for the wedding by giving them a fixed amount. They had good jobs, but my daughter had been a poor saver, and SIL just spent a lot of money on a new house. I could have paid for everything, but wanted them to put in some money so that they would spend more wisely. I do not think SIL's parents gave him much, but I did not expect it as they came from out-of-town, the guests were mostly ours, and our financial situation was much better.


As it turned out, the wedding worked out well, and the venue that they chose and had to wait 1 year for was wonderful. They had a wonderful time planning it together, and I hope that would give them some memories to recall and to cherish, as most relationships would eventually get into some hard times. The more good memories, the better the chance of survival for a marriage.


Back on the financial aspect, as I expected, the guests such as the uncles and aunts all gave them generous cash gifts, which added up to much more than their contribution to the costs. And so, as I told them earlier the nice wedding ended up costing them nothing. What I gave them was no big deal compared to what I spent on my children earlier for their education, and what I may leave behind for them later. I just can't turn the spigot on too wide, lest them take it for granted.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NW-Bound They had a wonderful time planning it together, and I hope that would give them some memories to recall and to cherish, as most relationships would eventually get into some hard times. The more good memories, the better the chance of survival for a marriage.

Wedding planning can be so stressful that I always think it's a very good sign for the marriage when the couple can work well as a team on it.