Defining self-worth outside of work?

[trumpeting_angel]

I always find these discussions to be about a type of work I never had to do. I designed my life with fulfilling work and (oops) not to make the maximum amount of money. I ended up retiring a week or so before turning 66. I could have stopped earlier, but I found work (psychologist) to be very meaningful and enjoyable. Not without its stresses, sometimes onerous - it was work, after all - but appropriately a part of the meaning and purpose in my life.

I retired recently. I’ve begun with minimal volunteer work - a couple of committees - and am trying to pick up commitments slowly. I’ve continued doing some consulting in the courts, and I certainly noticed that the prestige in that work was nice to have. But I’m going to stop that, as well, because I hate having work hanging over my head, and it drags on for many months before resolution.

Is it possible to find meaning and self-worth in gardening and raising chickens? A bit! Community involvement, I think, will be the major factor for me.

[kgtest]

I try to keep work and home life totally separate with the exception of venting to DW on occasion or answering the what do you do, or how is work questions WHICH I DREAD!

The American Psychiatric Association says that those who have a vacation planned for the future experience more joy and happiness than those who do not have anything planned for the future.

Schedule a vacation, somewhere new that you can study and learn from. Also, my own personal psychologist always recommends getting back to your childhoods zen roots, if you enjoyed fishing as a kid, go fish, if you enjoyed swimming, swim...if you enjoyed hikes, or bikes do that!

[DAYDREAMER]

When the feeling of gloom comes on, takes me a second to remind myself how often the gloom/trapped feeling happened at work, and my attitude changes instantly.

Remind yourself that you get to define your life as you want, to your rules and desires. Nobody gets to control your time or daily destiny. What a gift retirement is!

[Bflotomny]

I retired 5 years ago but when I was employed I went through a period where I was laid off. I won't go on about how difficult that period was for me. But I found that as long as I could say I gave the job search a honest effort I was pleased. In the same vain having something planned or look forward to kept the self doubts away.
Retirement is very similar as long as I have something to plan or is planned I can live with myself.

[Island Style]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lsimpson33 Work has left me feeling really devalued lately. And I'm working on fixing that. But it's also made me realize I place too much of my self-identity by my successes at work and how people at work see me. Obviously will be a huge issue when I stop working. Any suggestions for making the shift away from defining myself by my work? Any helpful exercises? How did you make the shift?

I was laid off over a year ago and felt the same way. I've been looking for a new job but find it increasingly difficult due to ageism. This has taken a toll on my self esteem and worth too. But as others in this forum has said, find other interests and make new friends outside of your profession. I enjoy golf so I volunteered as a marshal at my local course. I made new friends doing this and when I'm out on the course "working", many regulars will greet me, invite me to play with them, etc. They even sing my praises to management. Good luck!

[ER Eddie]

Spirituality, by which I don't mean religion but the deepest sources of meaning, spirit, and life. Don't see yourself as merely the superficial, socially programmed images of who you are (job, status, etc.). That is so unfair to you. You are so much bigger than that. Get in touch with who you really are.

There aren't any simple strategies for this, but read, go inside, spend time alone reflecting about what really matters to you, listen to your heart, ask for spiritual assistance. Remember that you're a spirit/soul first. Find your real self, your larger self. Don't get stuck in the small self; that's so unfair to you. Don't define yourself by superficial roles. You're so much more than that.

[mystang52]

Why not to define yourself by your work (emphasis added):

The Indispensable Man
(by Saxon White Kessinger)

Sometime when you're feeling important;
Sometime when your ego 's in bloom;
Sometime when you take it for granted,
You're the best qualified in the room:
Sometime when you feel that your going,
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions,
And see how they humble your soul.

Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remaining,
Is a measure of how much you'll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop, and you'll find that in no time,
It looks quite the same as before.

The moral of this quaint example,
Is to do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There's no indispensable man.

Oh yeah, as another poster replied: find Outside Interests.

[DrRoy]

I get a lot of satisfaction from travel, photography of the places I visit, and people saying they love the photos.

[JoeWras]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrRoy I get a lot of satisfaction from travel, photography of the places I visit, and people saying they love the photos.

In the top 5 natural places I've visited on this earth! Nice pick. Early bird gets the photo.

I liked someone else's suggestion about vacation. Attach something to learn to it, whether it be geography, culture, whatever.

We're taking a trip next summer overseas and DW and I are ramping up a new language. This is mostly for fun since English is spoken widely to the places we're going in Europe.

[Amethyst]

The air is incredibly clean there. We felt 20 years younger during our visit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrRoy I get a lot of satisfaction from travel, photography of the places I visit, and people saying they love the photos.

[Mdlerth]

The following is from observation of others, not from my own experience since I've not yet FIREd.

When you're still w*rking, your sense of self is influenced by surroundings, co-workers, your boss, your own ambitions, etc. There's so much mental flak exploding around you that it's obscuring who you are.

At some point after your final clock-out, you will leave all that career stuff behind you. It will cease to matter. Maybe it happens in the first minute, maybe it takes months or years. In any case, whether The Man valued you or not will be of no more importance than whether you got an A+ or a C- on a term paper you wrote in high school.

It's then that the real you will emerge. When that happens, get back to us and let us know.

[Cobra9777]

In my teens and 20s, I had several interests and hobbies which I was very passionate about, but which didn't easily translate to a good-paying career. I have a Bachelors degree in one of these areas and several years of graduate work in another. But after a few dreadful years working in retail and restaurant management, I went back for an MBA. This led to Megacorp and 25 years of progressively increased responsibilities and excellent compensation.

Last 10-15 years however, the job became all-consuming and quite stressful. I was a director-level manager, traveled continuously, and lived overseas for a few years. It would have been easy to get sucked into the corporate identity that I had built. But I always felt that what truly defined me as a person were the interests and hobbies from my 20s and various fine arts undergrad studies.

Now that I'm retired, I have all day 24/7/365 to pursue these interests... and that was really my plan all along. Megacorp was just a means to an end. I left at the peak of my career, and left a lot of money on the table, which surprised a lot of people. They all thought I was going to a competitor who would make me whole. Ha!... I just wanted to make stuff from wood, ride my bike, write music, and remodel bathrooms. Life is much better now.

[Red Badger]

Hey OP! FWIW, the responses on this thread are a collection of some of the wisest, informative, caring, and consultative comments that I've read on this forum. Consider yourself blessed. I encourage you to take some time, reflect and digest those comments that strike a chord with you. Discard the others. Best wishes, and we all hope you find a more meaningful way to value yourself.

My last (lengthy) comment. I recently read "Being Mortal," by Atul Gawande. It's a difficult book about death and the dying process. Fun, huh? Anyhoo, during the course of the book, he argues, quite compellingly, that Maslov had it wrong with his hierarchy of needs. Nursing homes first focus is on the safety of the wards in their care. However, what the patients give up is all freedom and almost all privacy. Many, and sometimes most, of the patients would prefer to be dead. But, give them a purpose and almost all respond with unbridled enthusiasm. One of the best interactions occurred with animals of almost any stripe. The patients clamored to be caretakers in any capacity.

The sad reality is that this introduces RISK. Better to keep grams strapped in her wheelchair until she expires. She might be in constant, chronic misery, but dammit, she's SAFE. In summary, the author contends that humans value contributing (in a meaningful way) and involvement far beyond the ages where society has written them off. Finding your "value" isn't just a big deal. It might just be everything.