Disconnecting from dysfunctional family members

[youbet]

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

You betcha......

Folks whom I've backed away from haven't been chasing me either. We just seemed to develop a tacit understanding that we had little in common and drifted apart. When rare circumstances bring us together, we're polite, listen briefly to each others's activity updates, then move right back into our usual arm's length relationship.

I guess I'm fortunate in the sense that I'm close to those I care for and want to share life with and distant from those I'm not drawn to. And in all cases it's mutual. No hard feelings, no hate, no need to vent.........

 

[kyounge1956]

(snip) A good rule of thumb is: 98% of the families are dysfunctional...and the other 2% are kidding themselves. It's just how much dysfunction or toxicity is worth it to stick around for? When it starts to do much more damage to you than good, it's time to get out...permanently I think. Just IMHO. (snip)

I think most of us who have disconnected would secretly love to have a happy, supportive family. Unfortunately, many of us didn't get this situation, and--even tho many won't speak about it--it's more common than not.

That is so sad! I remember when I was a young adult being amazed at how many of my peers dreaded going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and this thread is giving me the same feeling. I knew lots of people's families are dysfunctional but I would hate to think that your 98/2 statistic reflects the true state of affairs. Think I'm gonna go hug my mum & dad! They seem to be even more of a rarity than I give 'em credit for.

 

[simple girl]

That is so sad! I remember when I was a young adult being amazed at how many of my peers dreaded going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and this thread is giving me the same feeling.

My roommate in college had an incredible family. I learned so much from staying with her family over one summer vacation - about what is "normal". It was one of the greatest gifts I was ever given and helped me not repeat the cycle of dysfunction.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Don't speak to my brother at all. Love my sister. Avoid my parents.
Too much trouble to do the emphatically disconnect business, though I've often wished I could. We have friends who treat us well and have appropriate boundaries.

 

[Nords]

Part of the dysfunction is never making the transition to relating to your parents as adults instead of being stuck in the adult-child relationship.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in high school, but we kids weren't told of the diagnosis for over a year (until surgery was deemed necessary) by which point I was in college and rarely at home. Then it was several more years before my father took me aside to explain that Mom was spending so much time on Demerol and heavier painkillers that we could no longer take her comments at face value. Of course the relationship had been irreparably damaged by then. By the time she died a couple years later, I think that the bridges had been pretty much burned and the rubble crushed into the ground.

Dad's taken a different approach of just pulling back from family as well as most of society. (His best friend is the coffee-shop girl who sells him his morning muffin.) Our relationship isn't dysfunctional, it's non-functional. He's seen his sole grandkid, who's now nearly 18 years old, only three times. I think I'm only two or three visits ahead of her in that timespan, and the guy I met on my last trip was too demented to be the father I used to have.

My brother and I had very poor relationship skills growing up together, so there's really been no transition at all and it's more non-functional than dysfunctional. We've forgiven each other for our behavior but we've seen no reason to build a new relationship... more like two strangers who happen to get along OK when they have to work together. He's seen his sole niece only twice. I'm only two visits ahead of her.

My side of the family is the lucky one-- we're just neglected. Spouse's parents will never make the transition to treating their kids as adults, and she's reminded of that with every phone call. By their genealogy, we have at least 25 more years of that to look forward to.

We've learned more about raising a kid from parenting books, the Internet, and the Navy than from our own ancestors.

It was one of the greatest gifts I was ever given and helped me not repeat the cycle of dysfunction.

We've tracked that cycle through 3-4 generations of both sides of our family tree. Hopefully we broke the cycle and our kid isn't adding her own count to that tally...

 

[Khan]

Part of the dysfunction is never making the transition to relating to your parents as adults instead of being stuck in the adult-child relationship.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in high school, but we kids weren't told of the diagnosis for over a year (until surgery was deemed necessary) by which point I was in college and rarely at home. Then it was several more years before my father took me aside to explain that Mom was spending so much time on Demerol and heavier painkillers that we could no longer take her comments at face value. Of course the relationship had been irreparably damaged by then. By the time she died a couple years later, I think that the bridges had been pretty much burned and the rubble crushed into the ground.

Dad's taken a different approach of just pulling back from family as well as most of society. (His best friend is the coffee-shop girl who sells him his morning muffin.) Our relationship isn't dysfunctional, it's non-functional. He's seen his sole grandkid, who's now nearly 18 years old, only three times. I think I'm only two or three visits ahead of her in that timespan, and the guy I met on my last trip was too demented to be the father I used to have.

My brother and I had very poor relationship skills growing up together, so there's really been no transition at all and it's more non-functional than dysfunctional. We've forgiven each other for our behavior but we've seen no reason to build a new relationship... more like two strangers who happen to get along OK when they have to work together. He's seen his sole niece only twice. I'm only two visits ahead of her.

My side of the family is the lucky one-- we're just neglected. Spouse's parents will never make the transition to treating their kids as adults, and she's reminded of that with every phone call.

We've learned more about raising a kid from parenting books, the Internet, and the Navy than from our own ancestors.


We've tracked that cycle through 3-4 generations of both sides of our family tree. Hopefully we broke the cycle and our kid isn't adding her own count to that tally...

My older brother spent most of his (and my) childhood dieing from cancer. I wasn't exactly neglected, but did spend much time alone and doing "mother" household stuff.

And I'm doubly estranged because I never supplied any offspring.

"Family" is highly overrated.

 

[freebird5825]

...I strongly agree that if you've got people who just make you miserable, you don't have to put up with it. Sometimes in a tug-of-war the best tactic is to drop the rope and walk away. Especially if this has been going on for a long time and you've tried to accept them or help them change.

One of my favorite expressions..."I simply dropped the rope."

I have 4 siblings who just have never treated me very well. I left them in the dust YEARS ago. No regrets.

I have way too many wonderful non-DNA related "relatives" to worry about the real ones.

 

[W2R]

I put the Pacific Ocean and thousands of miles between me and family many many years ago, and got along much better with certain family members that way.

This approach has worked out very nicely for me.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Since FIREing a little over 4 yrs ago, I've backed out of relationships with several folks. I find I can do so without confrontation although it sometimes takes months. I just slowly, quietly back away. I'm just more comfortable doing it that way. Why be judgmental/confrontational when fault might reside all around? Just slowly turn down the communication spigot until the stream is completely stopped and harbor no ill feelings anchored in the past.

I tried this, and would have been happy enough to let it go this route (I'm not a fan of drama). Unfortunately, one family member is incapable of reading these cues, and was relentless in trying to get together. The other is my sister, and my Dad has insisted on including her in all of his visits.

Things were easier when all these folks didn't live in our town. We moved away from them all, and things were better for a while. They've all moved closer to us in recent years, which has made it more difficult to maintain distance.

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

No, not that I can think of. I talked about it with DW this morning, and other than her and our kids, I don't think I'd be too upset if anybody else in my family did this. There are people in my family who I love, and whose company I enjoy, but if they decided for some reason that they didn't want to see me anymore, I certainly wouldn't push the issue, and don't think I'd lose much sleep over it. Maybe I'm only saying that because it hasn't happened.

We've tracked that cycle through 3-4 generations of both sides of our family tree. Hopefully we broke the cycle and our kid isn't adding her own count to that tally...

Same in our families. Like you, we're hoping for a fresh start with our kids.

 

[hankster]

I have good relationships with my parents and both of my brothers. We get together several times each year. I must say that a little distance can be a good thing sometimes. We may not get along as well if we saw each other every day.

 

[plex]

I have a good relationship with my parents and a pretty good one with my brother. They are all pretty normal or in my father's case, downright extremely mellow (only gotten angry maybe a few times in his life).

My extended family is a different story. One grandparent was estranged from my mother, never met him. Most of my father's extended family are extremist religious types, never met them either (nor want to, I have an extremely religious friend, but family members would not be tactful about their views). One aunt has a mental disorder, and another aunt has severe physical/mental problems. I have to go all the way out to a 2nd cousin to find someone normal (and he has major family problems, especially with his step-mother). All of the extended family members I have met have money problems, in one way or another (except for the normal 2nd cousin).

 

[FinanceDude]

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

Yes, my dad, my step-mom, and one set of aunts and uncles.........

 

[Ronstar]

This discussion is a bit one-sided. Has anybody disconnected from YOU?

I never thought of that. I began avoiding contact with my sister 30 years ago. But she has never tried contacting me in the last 25 years, so maybe I'm on her disconnection list..

 

[Emeritus]

Wow, talk about tearing off a scab.
Interestingly my large extended family is "functional" but not close. We can get any family task done in a reasonable manner and otherwise communicate by email.

To put a much lighter note on it, DW and I "argue" over who had the more wonderful mother in law. My MIL was a fabulous warm funny brilliant accomplished woman who unfortunately died at 57. When DW was away at an internship my MIL was my favorite "coffee buddy".
For DW the family joke is that my mother likes my DW more than she likes me. As far as my mother is concerned DW walks on water.
After MIL died FIL remarried a very very nice lady who stepped right in and was a fine grandma to our kids. FIL died a few years ago but Step-MIL is still going strong.

So we batted 3 for 3 on MIL, all home runs. Can't do better than that.

 

[Purron]

To put a much lighter note on it, DW and I "argue" over who had the more wonderful mother in law. My MIL was a fabulous warm funny brilliant accomplished woman who unfortunately died at 57. When DW was away at an internship my MIL was my favorite "coffee buddy".
For DW the family joke is that my mother likes my DW more than she likes me. As far as my mother is concerned DW walks on water.

It's very much the same with DH and I. I truly loved my MIL and she loved me. She was a very kind person and a lot of fun to be around. My mom, who is nearly 80, has always adored my husband.

My relationship with my mom has changed in a good way. We're friends and enjoy many of the same things. She lives close by so I see her frequently. We talk on the phone often too - especially when American Idol is on

I feel very lucky. I know many who are estranged from family for good reasons.

 

[bbbamI]

I've never had to disconnect from a family member. When I was young I lived close to many relatives and had a great time with my cousins. When I became an adult, I moved farther away from home with each move due to the economy. By my mid 30's I had no grandparents, aunts or uncles still living. I have no siblings or children of my own.

Fortunately, I've always had a great relationship with my momma and daddy. That will never change.

I wish I had more family members...even if they were annoying.

 

[calmloki]

... Borderline Personality Disorder...

Any stories to share?

Too many stories. My sympathies - dealing with Borderline is like dealing with Professor Moriarity only he's really evil, not Sherlock Holmes evil, and is only dedicated to shortening your life - no, that's wrong, the BPD person is having a miserable life, and insists that you share it.

Zero consistancy, totally unilateral, won't just go away and live their own life, and seemingly lives to share with you why everything you do is wrong and designed to cause them grief and why your manner of living is wrong and an affront to nature and the world. Hangs up on you if you try to speak but calls back over and over and can run multi-hour diatribes into your ear. Lots of screaming. It's all your fault. Brilliant mind, moments of thoughtfullness (even if the gesture isn't wanted it was thoughtfull), very sad... You could pour out your life into the sieve of the Borderline person's needy nature and it would be unapppreciated and do no good for them or for you. I'll die soon enough anyway, see no reason to shorten it through association with people that do their best to make me feel bad.

That stuff about how you are the only one responsible for your happiness and no one else is responsible for your attitude? HAH! My money is on blood on the walls within 24 hours if you put Ghandi and a BPD person in the same room for a week.

 

[Nords]

I wish I had more family members...even if they were annoying.

I think we all wish we had more family members like yours!

My money is on blood on the walls within 24 hours if you put Ghandi and a BPD person in the same room for a week.

I've served in submarines with at least two of those guys, and I'm not talking about Ghandi...

 

[Purron]

Ghandi was a fierce, fearless and brave man. I admire him very much. He is one of my heroes. My favorite quote of Ghandi's, naturally, is this one:

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

You don’t have to be an animal advocate to see the wisdom in these words. He was saying true strength and greatness is shown in how the weak are treated. Great nations protect the helpless - be it the elderly, children, or animals.

 

[haha]

Too many stories. My sympathies - dealing with Borderline is like dealing with Professor Moriarity only he's really evil, not Sherlock Holmes evil, and is only dedicated to shortening your life - no, that's wrong, the BPD person is having a miserable life, and insists that you share it.

Zero consistancy, totally unilateral, won't just go away and live their own life, and seemingly lives to share with you why everything you do is wrong and designed to cause them grief and why your manner of living is wrong and an affront to nature and the world. Hangs up on you if you try to speak but calls back over and over and can run multi-hour diatribes into your ear. Lots of screaming. It's all your fault. Brilliant mind, moments of thoughtfullness (even if the gesture isn't wanted it was thoughtfull), very sad... You could pour out your life into the sieve of the Borderline person's needy nature and it would be unapppreciated and do no good for them or for you. I'll die soon enough anyway, see no reason to shorten it through association with people that do their best to make me feel bad.

That stuff about how you are the only one responsible for your happiness and no one else is responsible for your attitude? HAH! My money is on blood on the walls within 24 hours if you put Ghandi and a BPD person in the same room for a week.

The French movie Betty Blue is perhaps the definitive portrait of a borderline woman, and the havoc she wreaks on herself, the man who loves her, and almost anyone else who comes into her line of fire. I used to fall for this type, thank God I am finally over that.

Are these people mostly women, or is it just that BPD women attract more artistic atention?

Ha

 

[bssc]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

Most of my family is normal and we get along. One sister was borderline until she hit 30 and shaped up.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Are these people mostly women, or is it just that BPD women attract more artistic atention?

I've seen statistics thrown around as high as 3:1 for women to men diagnosed with BPD. For sure, in my own life, all the sufferers have been women. I suspect that the numbers are skewed so drastically because BPD males probably end up in prison pretty early in life.

Calmloki, you've obviously been there and seen that first hand. That was about as accurate a portrait as I've seen to describe the behavior of somebody with BPD.

 

[Letj]

It's easy to cut ties with your toxic family members if you have no children. On the other hand if you have children, the impact on them can make that very difficult to do. Small children are always asking about Grandpa, aunt, uncles, etc. How do you explain to young children that you want nothing to do with these toxic people? Anyone care to share how they handledl this?

 

[Nords]

How do you explain to young children that you want nothing to do with these toxic people? Anyone care to share how they handledl this?

While she was growing up, our kid still got regular cards & gifts from both sets of grandparents. I kept inviting my father to travel here until he finally wrote a letter explaining that he no longer drives very far, let alone flies, so they keep in touch by snail mail.

Parents-in-law moved to Hawaii (as our rental home's tenants) when our kid was eight years old. By the time they'd been here for six years and she'd gotten to know them better, she was deep into teen-hood and no longer wanted anything to do with family anyway.

Around the age of 8 or 9 she also began to notice the differences between my FIL's idyllic stories of Mom's growing years vs Mom's version of the same events.

My PILs cling to a number of "casually racist" 1940s attitudes which take a while to appear, but when they inevitably did my daughter busted them on it. She was polite about it but she pointed out that they'd get nowhere around here with that lack of cultural sensitivity. Pretty soon after that they decided they'd rather live on the Mainland after all.

 

[Dimsumkid]

We had to handle our situation with being upfront about everything that was going on. My son was 7 (3 yrs ago) when the bad stuff started happening, initially, you want to shelter your child from it. As time went on, being involved in multiple lawsuits and criminal acts with the police involved, it was very difficult to shelter him from all the stories. So we just let him know what was happening, since there's great potential that the problem sibling may show up on our doorstep one day and he may possibly be home alone. He knows to call 911 if that happens.