Elderly Parents Driving Vehicles

[hnzw_rui]

My mom doesn't have a license and my dad sees driving as an unwanted chore. I don't think we'll have problems with my dad insisting on driving when he's older (he's just 59 right now). My mom could barely convince him to do any long driving now (he considers a 100-mile drive long).

Personally, I'd love to have a condo where my grandmother lived. There's a mall and grocery right across the street. Tons of restaurants (both fastfood and upscale). There are branches for all the major banks. Only thing not within walking distance is a hospital (~3 miles away). Having almost no driving required sounds like heaven to me. Seriously, when are we going to get self-driving cars?

 

[anethum]

My dad stopped driving at 90 when his symptoms of vascular senility began. For quite a few years prior to that, anytime I would be in a car with my parents, I would drive. My dad initiated that simply by handing his keys to me one day. It was never discussed.

My mom is still driving at 93, but only to familiar places within a 3 mile radius, and not at night. For anything further away, I pick her up and take her there. Even within that 3 mile radius, I increasingly pick her up and take her. She is now starting to show signs of dementia and her driving may soon have to stop completely.

 

[bigcmagor]

Both sets of my grandparents lost their independence from injuries caused by accidents my grandfathers had. Can't have a better family example than this. Got a call from a friend who is a policeman last week who said my 79 year old father passed him in the right lane at least 20 mph over the speed limit. He's hit the garage wall numerous times and cars in parking lots. He's also done the stopping in the middle of the road thing because he thought there was a signal there. Meeting my folks at a clinic where dad was having a procedure done, mom pulls into the lot and tries to perpendicular park, hitting the curb and tearing up the right front wheel on the car and leaves it parked sideways in the parking spot - so mom taking over the driving duties is not much of an answer. I love my folks and know it's a conversation that should happen, but don't want to start WWIII - and be the one who cost them their independence. Not sure what to do other than wait for the phone call and hope no one is dead.

 

[Walt34]

I love my folks and know it's a conversation that should happen, but don't want to start WWIII - and be the one who cost them their independence. Not sure what to do other than wait for the phone call and hope no one is dead.

That was the same issue I had with FIL. In Maryland, you can write and they will not tell the driver who contacted them, just that it is a "random selection" of people being retested. I suggest you call the agency that issues driver's licenses and ask what their policy is, they may do the same. If so that lets you off the hook for doing what is in everyone's best interest and the DMV plays the bad guy.

The problem is not only that they may hasten their own demise, but also someone else's. I've seen that happen, which was why I was the only one in the family willing to write the letter. And yes it's hard. I really did like him.

 

[Brat]

Self driving cars can't come soon enough!!

 

[Rosie]

A few years ago DH and I had concerns about his father's driving.

FIL, a widower who at age 83 lived in HI in a senior community and who cherished his independence, insisted he was fine, only drove during the day, and only for short distances. He said he'd get rides with his friends, or use transit available from his senior community, on longer trips & at night.

But after his last trip out to visit his dad, DH came home worried about his dad's general driving abilities. We knew we had to have the talk with him, soon. We absolutely dreaded it. We were going away on a trip in a week, so we put it off until after our trip.

But the trip didn't happen. A few days after DH's visit with his dad, we got one of those dreadful middle-of-the-night phone calls. FIL was driving home alone from a club meeting that night(!!) and either passed out or fell asleep at the wheel. He crossed the center line and ran head-on into a pickup truck. Thankfully, the driver of the pickup truck was not injured, although the truck was badly damaged (thankfully again, FIL had very good insurance, and the truck was replaced). FIL on the other hand sustained serious injuries and was in the hospital for nearly a month. Long story short, he never fully recovered from those injuries, he was no longer able to live independently, his overall health deteriorated (he spent his final months in a nursing home), and, about 18 months after the crash, he passed away -- coincidentally, two years ago today.

I don't have any lessons to draw from this. Before the accident, we knew FIL was going to fight us tooth & nail if we tried to talk him out of driving anymore (simply because we had already broached the subject with him, and it was unpleasant to put it mildly). In fact, even after the accident, he was talking about buying a new car once he got out of the hospital! We and his doctors (and ultimately, the state of HI) quickly disabused him of that notion.

In retrospect, we should have tried harder to get him to give up his car. We're just grateful that no-one other than FIL was injured.

ETA: Best wishes to anyone dealing w this situation. It's a hard one for all involved.

 

[JoeWras]

But the trip didn't happen. A few days after DH's visit with his dad, we got one of those dreadful middle-of-the-night phone calls. FIL was driving home alone from a club meeting that night(!!) and either passed out or fell asleep at the wheel.

...

In retrospect, we should have tried harder to get him to give up his car. We're just grateful that no-one other than FIL was injured.

Sounds familiar. Dad finally gave it up at 87, after he drove through the garage door and support pillar.

Nobody was hurt, including dad. He insisted it was unintended acceleration (it was all in the news at the time about Toyota). He was fine, he said, because he just passed the driver's test 1 week earlier (true!).

Siblings and I were wrecks for the next few months while we convinced him to give it up.

As dementia continued, Dad's check valves fell off, and he told stories of driving around for a few hours trying to find home. I believe these are true and why he agreed to give it up. Thank goodness he didn't end up in the next state lost as a Silver Alert case.

 

[Badger]

Mom was instrumental in getting Dad to stop driving his car as dementia resulted in a few lost episodes in the small town we live in. In order to remove the car as quickly as possible I checked the Blue Book value and gave them the money. He was probably in his early 80s at the time. A couple of years after he passed and Mom was in assisted living having problems with dementia herself by then I was able to convince her to sell her car. She changed her mind a few times. When she finally agreed again I took her to the DMV to transfer title and bought her car too before she changed her mind. She was also in her early 80s by then. All of this cost me a few thousand but all of us in the family knew they were a danger to themselves and the rest of the drivers on the road. We also did the same thing with my wife's stepfather. Glad this isn't an issue with her mother. I didn't want to have to do this again. She doesn't drive.

Cheers!

 

[freedomatlast]

Mom drove until the age of 93 when she had her first accident in over 75 years of driving. Totaled the car, suffered non-life threatening injuries and that was the end of driving for her. She wasn't supposed to drive at night during the last 10 years, but the accident happened 3 hours after sunset one Friday night. She said she lost track of time, left the supermarket later than usual and was driving around for over three hours trying to get home after getting lost. The supermarket was less than two miles away and the accident occurred about 3 miles away at the opposite end of town. The driver of the car she hit said she looked slumped over just before impact. It's possible she fell asleep. He was not injured. No medical issues were found. Just glad no one was seriously injured or disabled.

 

[2017ish]

Appreciate the comments on this thread. In Laws live 7 hours away from us and we are the closest.... Mid-80s and DW/sibs have managed to persuade them out of doing more long cross country trips; but trying to figure out how to handle "close" driving--and to determine just what limits would be appropriate. (We've ridden along and were not comfortable; but they exhibit no real signs of cognitive deterioration otherwise.)

I think it would be easier if one of the siblings were "in town".... Luckily, there are a lot of extended family members (MIL's siblings, etc.) who we are relying upon to keep an eye/ear on things.

E.T.A.: Helpful/reassuring to see that we are far from alone in wrestling with this.

 

[clifp]

My mom gave up driving around 85 (and driving at night before that). Her boyfriend is still driving at 90. He is bad but not awful and mercifully drives very little.

My grandfather was still driving at 94, he was pretty scary.
My next Tesla will have self-driving features so I think you'll have to pry my Tesla fob out of my dead hands.

 

[Music Lover]

My mother is still a good driver at 73. My father is 78 and probably has a year or 2 left before he needs to hang up the keys. He enjoys driving and thinks he is perfectly safe (he's not) so he won't quit willingly. Unfortunately, there is no mandatory testing here so it will be up to family to do the dirty work.

As others have stated...I dread that conversation.

 

[Hermit]

Did y'all have to stop off at Wally World to get you a change of pants?

 

[RockyMtn]

My parents stopped about three weeks ago at 85.


The capper was when my sister noticed some paint on the car and asked if they had hit something. My mom said they had but had left a note.


What did you say my sister asked? My mom said they left a note that they were sorry! No name, no number, nothing!

 

[Rosie]

In Laws live 7 hours away from us and we are the closest....

I think it would be easier if one of the siblings were "in town"....

Yeah, that was basically our situation too; we were half an ocean apart. DH had no siblings, or other close family members, we were "it".

FIL did have local friends who were aware of his occasional medical issues and previous (minor) vehicle mishaps, and unfortunately, they took FIL at his word when he told those friends that he kept us informed. We only found out about most of those prior occurrences once FIL was in the hospital after the accident. We couldn't be critical of the friends, FIL managed to keep us all in in the dark. Probably because he knew if we knew what was really happening, we'd insist that he transition to a higher level of care and/or move closer to us (neither of which he wanted to do), and of course curtail his driving. Ironically, his accident led directly to all three of the things that he tried to avoid.

Luckily, there are a lot of extended family members (MIL's siblings, etc.) who we are relying upon to keep an eye/ear on things.

That's good! Our mistake was not to be in direct contact with FIL's friends. We didn't realize at the time how important it was to get information from people other than FIL. But then again, maybe they wouldn't have wanted to rat on him.

E.T.A.: Helpful/reassuring to see that we are far from alone in wrestling with this.

Alas, far from it. You have my best wishes.

 

[aja8888]

Happened today in Houston:

HPD: One dead after SUV crashes into H-E-B | News - Home

74 is not that old.

HOUSTON -
One person is dead after an SUV crashed into an H-E-B on Monday, police said.The Houston Police Department said a gray Saturn sport utility vehicle crashed into the supermarket at 3111 Woodridge Drive at 1:40 p.m.The victim has been identified as a 31-year-old woman who had been shopping with her sister and 2-year-old toddler."It's something you don't ever want to see," witness Robert Trojna said.

Houston police said a 74-year-old woman got into her SUV, which was parked in a handicap spot outside the supermarket. "She then put the car in reverse and for unknown reasons accelerated rapidly," Houston Police Department spokesman Kese Smith said. Investigators said the driver crashed through the front doors, barreled into the register area and injured seven people -- five customers and two employees.

 

[urn2bfree]

One of our local hospitals has fancy driver simulator that can put anyone through a thorough driving simulation test. I think it costs $200. I offered to pay to test my father when he refused to give up driving. He ended up in the hospital for 2 1/2 months before I could schedule the test and was so disabled afterwards that even he realized driving was over at that point. Still this could be an independent resource to settle the debate if a family member is unrealistic.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Bamaman]

My friend's 80 year old mother got lost while driving to the grocery store, and she called her son. He asked her if there were any businesses around, and to drive up and hand the telephone to a person. The door greeter at Walmart answered--140 miles away.

Yep, there's a time when older adults need to hang it up.

We had to get full time help to take care of my parents, and they were driven around for about 5 years in their car.

 

[Katsmeow]

My mom is 91 and still drives, mostly to the grocery store and close by stuff. She doesn't have to go on freeways. I live several hours away so am not there to help her.

She sometimes gets rides from others when she needs to see doctors across town or go somewhere and would have to go on a freeways. The thing that amazes me is that she sometimes gets a ride from a neighbor....who is in her late 90s! (To be fair, I know the neighbor and she really does seem to be much younger than her age).

A couple of times she has used the service to transport elderly people to and from the doctor but she finds it inconvenient with too much waiting.

I've encouraged her to just call a cab. She doesn't go very many places, mostly grocery store and doctors, with occasional banking or other shopping needs. She could take a cab to and from every bit of it without it being a huge expense. All of it except a few doctors is fairly close by. But, she is extremely frugal and I haven't been able to talk her into using cabs yet. And, like many, she is very stubborn.

 

[misanman]

My brother is 84 and is still driving his GTO and flying his high performance airplanes. Not sure how long this can last but so far he's doing fine.

 

[Car-Guy]

Both are in their early 90's. Mom quit about 10 years ago but dad still drives. No freeways and no night driving. At this point, he probably puts about 1000 miles a year on his car. Maybe.

 

[Lakewood90712]

Mom quit voluntarily at 80 , Dad had his lic revoked at about 78 Dad blew a red light , then failed to pullover for the motor officer who saw it, took 4 police cars to box him in , then he stopped The officer pulled his lic , the dmv gave him several tries at both written and behind the wheel test. It was devastating , his car was his freedom. He had been covering up dementia for some time.

As a teenager, one of my friends lived with his grandfather " Pop ". Pop drove until 104. I rode with him, his driving skills were ok, but kept bumping into other cars when parking. This guy was amazing, broke all the longevity "rules" ( diet , smoking, lack of exercise, sky high blood pressure ) Last saw him at 105, lost touch with that family after that.

 

[scrabbler1]

My 84-year-old dad (mom is deceased) has been in a few minor accidents in the last few years, not all of them his fault. He still drives but rarely at night. His ladyfriend died about a year ago so he isn't driving as much as he used to, especially at night.


Starting about 4 years, whenever I would be at his house (about a 2-minute drive from where I live), and we would go out together somewhere local, I would always drive even if it were daylight. And starting about 2 or 3 years ago, whenever we (and my ladyfriend) would drive from our area (Long Island, NY) to my brother's house in MA (about a 4-hour drive), I now do all the driving instead of splitting it about 2/3 for me and 1/3 for him. My brother had been bugging me to take over all the driving and I somewhat reluctantly agreed. My ladyfriend had also been bugging me to take over, too. He was driving only about the middle 1.25 hours of the trip to give me some rest, but it had been becoming a little tense with him behind the wheel even midday. But this was a much needed change (for the better) to our trip.

 

[old woman]

Dad had bad legs and liked to lay on the couch petting his cat. So he didn't drive much and was getting worse. He was trying to sell his truck when I needed a truck and bought it. He said he never drove it but it was nice knowing it was in the driveway, he was about 76. Mom drove to her sister's for a party 240 miles from home, she asked my brother and his wife if one of them could drive her home, claimed her eyes hurt. So then whenever she wanted to see her sister or her boyfriend 300 miles away one of us would take her and drop her off. Then at 82 or so she moved in with my brother and then crashed her car t-boning at an intersection 2 blocks from home. She never was a good driver and lived with two younger retired people so didn't need to drive. When my brother took her to get her car from repair he asked how much longer she would drive and she said a couple of years. He asked if she was going to wait until she killed someone so she said he could sell her car. Then she started making excuses like she stopped at the stop sign so doesn't know how she hit them so hard so since she didn't understand it she gave up driving. Then she started telling people she moved in with her son for safety so giving up driving was for safety, making it sound like her idea.

 

[LastOfTheBoomers]

My dad just let my mom drive in his late 70's due to eye problems and passed away at 80. My mom drove until 88 when she drifted off the road and hit a tree and was bedridden until she died 7 months later.

I tell that story a lot to friends with older parents.

Most older people tie driving to independence - I think that is changing with the times - as long as you can get somewhere using Uber public transportation or a self driving car - you are independent. Look at 20 year olds now - car ownership is almost viewed as a burden.