Fed up with my nephew.....!

[vicente solano]

I´ve got a 21 year old unemployed nephew that ordinalrily should live with his parents in Madrid, but due to his recently "acquired"girlfriend living here, has decided to crash for the duration -till he finds "suitable work"- in my house.

It´s something that, apparently, he and his parents have taken for granted, what with us being family and all.

Their reasoning is, that being the job market the way it is, it´s the same being in Madrid than here-if something joobwise comes up ¿? they just have to call him.... Under these circunstances he hasn´t bothered to book a return flight ticket.

The bizarre hours he observes, and his comings and goings, are driving my wife -and me- crazy. not to mention our dog- that has always had the run of the house and my nephew being deadly afraid of it. We keep ordinary hours and are regular early birds.

What we don´t understand is why he doesn´t go to my sister´s who lives 1,5 km away,who is 14 years younger than I, with a 20 year old daughter, more tolerant with the ways of the youngsters, where he´ll have plenty more room -and the same freedom of movements- in her house.

Bottom line:I WANT TO KICK HIM OUT, without telling him as much, of course.

I´d very much appreciate any useful tips

 

[W2R]

I'd set down some strict household rules, and send a copy of them in a friendly email to his parents as well as to him. Nobody could object to a long term guest being required to follow reasonable rules, IMO. And once he sees this list, he may be inspired to move out quickly. That way you won't have to kick him out.

 

[REWahoo]

I'd set down some strict household rules, and send a copy of them in a friendly email to his parents as well as to him. Nobody could object to a long term guest being required to follow reasonable rules, IMO. And once he sees this list, he may be inspired to move out quickly. That way you won't have to kick him out.

+1

Other suggestions:

- Stop making any special accommodations due to his fear of your dog. If he wants to live at your place, he needs adjust, not your pet.
- Most young folks like to sleep late. Why not enjoy some high-volume music with your early morning coffee, run the vacuum, turn on the blender, set off the smoke alarm...
- Put on a big pot of cabbage to boil first thing in the morning...
- (the possibilities are only limited by your imagination...)

 

[travelover]

Let the dog run loose and take in some extra dogs from your friends - mean ones.

 

[Purron]

It´s something that, apparently, he and his parents have taken for granted, what with us being family and all.

They put you in an uncomfortable situation and just assumed you'd be OK with this. I think that was very inconsiderate of them. I'd be inclined to be honest with them and say it's just not working out. Give them a reasonable time to work something else out.

What we don´t understand is why he doesn´t go to my sister´s who lives 1,5 km away,who is 14 years younger than I, with a 20 year old daughter, more tolerant with the ways of the youngsters, where he´ll have plenty more room -and the same freedom of movements- in her house.

Maybe she said NO or laid down some rules.

 

[FUEGO]

Que lastima...

Here in America you could just tell your nephew that having to keep the dog shut up will cause psychological trauma (to the dog) and that it would be unfair to continue doing so.

 

[Koolau]

Vincente,

As you know, only family can bring you the deepest love and the deepest pain. It is going to be up to you to decide how to juggle these two extremes of emotions.

Clearly, your nephew is not being "loving" by his actions. Giving him the benefit of the doubt (and being a youngster), you have allowed him more slack than you are now comfortable with. My suggestion is similar to others so far. Set the boundaries that YOU are comfortable with (space, time, noise level, comings and goings, etc.) and present them to your nephew. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. You are clearly not enjoying your life with this situation. It's the only life you get (on this temporal plane, anyway), so you need to make the best of it.

Be kind, but be firm. It's YOUR house!

Oh, and start charging RENT. If he can't come up with it, he should ask his parents for it!

 

[GregLee]

You clearly couldn't poison the nephew, since he's family. But if the girlfriend were gone ...

 

[Nuiloa]

I think some tough love is in order. Why not talk to your sister down the road and tell her that she has to share the burden.

Otherwise, make it so miserable for him that he'll BEG to go somewhere else:

Since he's not paying rent, tell him he has to do all the housework, inside and out, including picking up after your dog. To YOUR standards.

Tell him that he's not entitled to a key to your house and therefore the doors will get locked at 9 p.m. and he either has to be home or find somewhere else to crash for the night.

Give him a time limit: tell him that if he hasn't found a job and a place to stay within X number of weeks, then he has to go home. You did not plan on having an extra mouth to feed at this stage in your life.

 

[packrat44]

Let the dog run loose and take in some extra dogs from your friends - mean ones.

+1. Vincente, you are too soft a touch. Either that, or I am more cold. I would have no problems in giving a relative the boot if they were taking advantage of my hospitality.

 

[Alan]

So sorry to hear that you have been put in this situation Vicente. It sounds like you are in agreement with your wife that this can't go on, so you need to end it, as soon as possible. I can't suggest anything you may say, you know your own family, but they have to be told the truth that it is simply not working out for you and your wife.

 

[sheehs1]

I'd set down some strict household rules, and send a copy of them in a friendly email to his parents as well as to him. Nobody could object to a long term guest being required to follow reasonable rules, IMO. And once he sees this list, he may be inspired to move out quickly. That way you won't have to kick him out.

Agree with this. But in addition....I would speak to him face to face. I'd have an honest conversation about what you would or would not allow a son of yours to do in your house (doesn't matter if you or don't have a son). Let him know how it has affected the way you can live in your own home.
Tell him the schedule you expect him to keep and whatever else is bothering you....so he does not disrupt your lives...etc.

And ....that if he can not abide by your ground rules, not only is he welcome to leave but that you might be able to help him find a place that he can afford (which would require him to get a job !).

Then send it via email to his parents.

 

[rescueme]

+1. Vincente, you are too soft a touch. Either that, or I am more cold. I would have no problems in giving a relative the boot if they were taking advantage of my hospitality.

Completely agree.

It's your (and DW's house), your dog, your "lifestyle".

If he can't get with the program (including his parents) then it's time for him to pack and leave. You could be kind and buy him another one-way ticket, to wherever he wishes to go.

It sounds like his parents "pawned" him off on you (maybe they were tired of his "excuses"?)

 

[Texas Proud]

I agree with the others who post that rules should be set that YOU like and given to him... it is his choice to follow the rules or find another location to live...


I also would make sure that I was getting funding for the food and utilities that were being used...

Don't get me wrong, I am all for family visiting and not charging them a thing... they can eat my food, even drive my cars, etc. etc.... but once someone moves in for whatever time period, then it is not a 'family visit', but a 'room mate'....


PS... why should the dog suffer Unless you think that the dog will actually bite the kid, who cares if he is afraid of him.... that is his problem... and a kind dog that comes to get petted might get rid of that fear....

 

[samclem]

Vicente,
Yes, it won't be easy to have this discussion.
Because I'd prefer to avoid confrontation, I'd probably try something else first. Maybe let him know that you and your wife aren't flush with cash--little things like turning off the heat in the house, unscrewing most of the lightbulbs, going to meatless meals every day, and letting him know that you'll need to take in boarders to make ends meet--that you need rent out the room he's in, unless he can pay you the rent (make it high). Next, start removing the furniture from the room he's using ("we had to sell it"). Phones, internet, TV--gone (hidden). He'll leave when he gets uncomfortable enough.

Or, have the talk. "Well, I can see you've been trying very hard to get a job here. It's a shame it hasn't worked out, but we're just a small town. Everything I read says the opportunities are in the big cities, especially Madrid. I guess your experience here has shown that is true. I know you are disappointed and so are we. Anyway, here's a gift from us--bus tickets for you and your lovely girlfriend to Madrid. I know your parents will be glad to have you back, and you'll enjoy being where the job opportunities are best. We'll miss you. The tickets are for Tuesday."

I wouldn't push him for rent or ask him to obey your rules--it will only cause resentment and you really don't want him around anyway, right? Under the present economic circumstances, no Madrid job is going to plop into his lap unless he's there in person to network, meet people, meet other people, talk to associates of other people, etc. He's got to hussle, and laying around your house or playing smoochie with his girlfriend isn't going to get him a job. Hey, you are depriving him of an important life lesson by letting him sponge off you.

 

[obgyn65]

Is your nephew staying here on a tourist visa or a longer term visa?

Bottom line:I WANT TO KICK HIM OUT, without telling him as much, of course.

I´d very much appreciate any useful tips

 

[HpRyder]

My aunt had a solution for this. For 3 days your a guest at my house. Then your part of my family. Your family responsibilities are: daily: 1) take out the trash; 2) clean the bathroom sinks & counter tops;3) put away the clean dishes, pots, pans & silverware;4)....

 

[Rich]

Vincente, it's your home and your life. You have to take control of the situation. I understand there may be cultural differences and obligations at play here. None the less, you are being put upon and I wouldn't tolerate it.

Best of luck,

Rich

 

[Nords]

I´ve got a 21 year old unemployed nephew that ordinalrily should live with his parents in Madrid, but due to his recently "acquired"girlfriend living here, has decided to crash for the duration -till he finds "suitable work"- in my house.

A popular American syndicated columnist (I can never remember whether it was Ann Landers or Dear Abby) used to write that you can only be taken advantage of with your permission.

So while your nephew has decided to crash in your house, you've also decided to let your nephew crash in your house.

He's probably not planning to change his mind about crashing in your place. You should let him know that you've changed yours. Maybe you could start by taking him out for a cup of coffee away from the house on neutral ground. A short walk to the place would be great because then he could return home with you or walk back on his own later.

Then bring up "the talk":

"We've enjoyed your company, but we thought this was going to be a short-term visit. We don't think we're doing you any good at getting on with your own life by letting you stay here any longer. Instead of offering you living accommodations or charging rent, we'd like to get back to our regular routine and our quiet lives-- and we'd like to ease the stress that you must be feeling from our dog. We're happy to help you find another place to stay and give you a ride, but you should plan to be living somewhere else by the end of next week. Perhaps you should take a day to consider your options, maybe call my sister if that idea appeals to you, and let us know your plans in two days. If nothing else comes up then we're happy to book you a train ticket back to Madrid."

You could be polite and apologetic, but you have no reason to negotiate. You can be firm because it's your property and your life, not his.

 

[MichaelB]

I´ve got a 21 year old unemployed nephew that ordinalrily should live with his parents in Madrid, but due to his recently "acquired"girlfriend living here, has decided to crash for the duration -till he finds "suitable work"- in my house.

It´s something that, apparently, he and his parents have taken for granted, what with us being family and all.

Their reasoning is, that being the job market the way it is, it´s the same being in Madrid than here-if something joobwise comes up ¿? they just have to call him.... Under these circunstances he hasn´t bothered to book a return flight ticket.

The bizarre hours he observes, and his comings and goings, are driving my wife -and me- crazy. not to mention our dog- that has always had the run of the house and my nephew being deadly afraid of it. We keep ordinary hours and are regular early birds.

What we don´t understand is why he doesn´t go to my sister´s who lives 1,5 km away,who is 14 years younger than I, with a 20 year old daughter, more tolerant with the ways of the youngsters, where he´ll have plenty more room -and the same freedom of movements- in her house.

Bottom line:I WANT TO KICK HIM OUT, without telling him as much, of course.

I´d very much appreciate any useful tips

Maybe he has a problem with your sister or her daughter. More likely, one of them has a problem with him and you don't know. With >20% unemployment, he could be with you for years.

There is no reasoning with Latin families. Use the dog. He/she is your ally. If you are restraining the dog in any way, stop, especially late at night. With the right encouragement, your dog will do what you cannot - which is make some other location preferable.

 

[SteveR]

A popular American syndicated columnist (I can never remember whether it was Ann Landers or Dear Abby) used to write that you can only be taken advantage of with your permission.

So while your nephew has decided to crash in your house, you've also decided to let your nephew crash in your house.

He's probably not planning to change his mind about crashing in your place. You should let him know that you've changed yours. Maybe you could start by taking him out for a cup of coffee away from the house on neutral ground. A short walk to the place would be great because then he could return home with you or walk back on his own later.

Then bring up "the talk":

"We've enjoyed your company, but we thought this was going to be a short-term visit. We don't think we're doing you any good at getting on with your own life by letting you stay here any longer. Instead of offering you living accommodations or charging rent, we'd like to get back to our regular routine and our quiet lives-- and we'd like to ease the stress that you must be feeling from our dog. We're happy to help you find another place to stay and give you a ride, but you should plan to be living somewhere else by the end of next week. Perhaps you should take a day to consider your options, maybe call my sister if that idea appeals to you, and let us know your plans in two days. If nothing else comes up then we're happy to book you a train ticket back to Madrid."

You could be polite and apologetic, but you have no reason to negotiate. You can be firm because it's your property and your life, not his.

Excellent advice!

 

[vicente solano]

Thanks everybody! I knew I could count on you.

I, more or less, guessed most of your suggestions.

1) Rules: I´ve instructed him on the basic ones to observe. But, for instance, I don´t really wanti him hanging around the house, which would be the case if I wake him up or want him home at reasonable hours. Mine is a smal house, in the sense that´s confortable for 2 person who get along.

2) The dog: We can´t have it bite him as a result of an accident. It´s quite old, pampered and starting to become irritable, scared and unaccostumed to changes. Our culture demands that we should have had the dog restrained. Nobody here would understand that a dog would condition my nephew´s mobility.

3) Chores: We have regular help that does almost everything, and everybody in the family knows it. To suddenly impose on him chores that we don´t do ourselves would give away true purpose of this attitude.

4) Talk: Here is where our culture plays the most part. We aren´t as pragmatic or candid as you. Any sensible talk would be inmediately construed/interpreted in the sense that we don´t want him with us. More so, bearing in mind that my sister would have him with -prima facie- no problems, there is an opinion that his stay in my house is the natural thing. That´s what family is for.... And, to put it mildly, his mother is a bit too touchy and susceptible. I don´want to risk a confrontation with my brother.

5) Making his stay unconfortable: We have used a series of tricks, but he either adapts or doesn´t care. It´s like dealing with an octopus: there is always a tentacle that clings.

The key -unsolvable- points are his unemployment and his girlfriend. More to the point: The real obstacle is the girlfriend, who is a student with at least 2 years left till she gets her law degree and not plannning to go anywhere....

So, for the near future, We´ll have to grin and bear it.

 

[Alan]

Is your nephew staying here on a tourist visa or a longer term visa?

Vicente and his nephew are Spanish and live in Spain.

 

[samclem]

It sounds like you've done the calculation: The family "discomfort" of having an honest talk with him exceeds the discomfort he's causing you. There are different kinds of discomfort--sometimes avoiding short term pain results in decisions that amount to accepting many times that amount of long term pain. Maybe that's preferable, more endurable, etc. And only you can tell just how "short term" the family repercussions would be if you had the talk. OTOH, I know that if I were in your shoes the resentment would build ("is he too dumb to see the imposition he's being, or too callous to care? Is there no end to this?!") until eventually some event will spark a (heated) discussion that ends badly. Maybe that's the result of our subconscious taking charge of issues left unaddressed by our conscious selves.

Anyway, a tough spot. As always, "people are the problem."

PS: Maybe it's time for some subtle but regular references in conversation to how long you and DW expected/expect his "visit" to last?
"Did you bring enough clothes? We figured you'd probably need enough for a weeklong stay, but things have gone on somewhat longer . . . "
"When we heard you were coming, we were so happy. We knew a week or two (revise to fit) together would give us a chance to catch up on family talk. "
" My dad always said he enjoyed having company, only after they left did he realize how much he treasured having his house back. He said visits of a few days were about right. What do you think?"

A steady drumbeat of "this is going on longer than we thought it would" will get the point across, maybe ease your stress ("okay, I've done what I'm willing to do about this for now"), and make it abundantly clear to him that he's imposing on your generosity while avoiding the overt confrontation that could rile the family. Eventually, assured that he's willfully imposing, you'll have a foundation for the next step, if needed ("as we've discussed before, your stay has gone on for a little longer than we'd expected. For our planning purposes, how long do you expect to stay--in days?")

 

[Walt34]

Nords put it far more diplomatically than I would. Perhaps there are some major cultural/family dynamic differences going on, but here, the position would be "Hey, you're family, and we're glad to be able to help you out, but you are expected to help yourself out too. And we don't see you doing that."

That means if he doesn't have a job, then his "job" is job-hunting. Eight hours a day, every day, no days off. Pound the pavement, read the want ads, flip burgers or sweep floors if that's all that's available (hey, at least it gives a reference and established a work history). I would have little patience with whining that "It's too hard" or "That's beneath me". You take what you can get until you're qualified for something better. No transportation? Buy him a beater bicycle.

Agreed also with the observation that the only ones letting this happen are you and your wife. It's your house you set the rules. It is also up to you to enforce them.

Sometimes 20-year-olds need a (figurative) kick in the butt to get them started.