Finding Contentment...I guess that is the goal??

[audreyh1]

FWIW I was certainly one of those people who was too busy working to do more than tentatively sketch out what I would do when retired. I recognized that work drained most of my creative energy, and so I realized that I was going to have to wait until I retired to really develop my life. I knew there were a bunch of things I was interested in exploring once I had the time, but beyond that it was hazy.

So, while working, I gave myself permission to not try to figure everything out ahead of time. I decided that I could go on faith that once I retired, I would have the time and energy to "figure it all out" and that if I spent the first year or two floundering somewhat - that was OK too! In fact, to use the first year or two to experiment and learn. I figured I also just needed time to "decompress" - and sure enough!

And it all did indeed work out - and beautifully. Trying to figure it all out ahead of time would have been a waste of time and energy as what we ended up as our lifestyle was far beyond what we ever imagined. I guess that means it's more of a "process" which I suppose is what all the wise people have tried to tell us for millennia anyway.

Audrey

 

[Zoocat]

if you never want to be disappointed, then have no expectations. whether you are attached to things or people, one day that wonderful puppy dog will break your heart and so it is observable that suffering is inherent to all of life. if you are not satisfied, then seek a higher quality of discontent.

Ah yes, a little bit of Buddhist wisdom there.

Fed, you might find the following books of wisdom interesting. You actually might find your answers in them as well.

A New Earth, Eckard Tolle. (IMHO, a brilliant book)

Any book by Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist who writes in a manner that type A Americans can understand and relate to.

 

[thefed]

Ah yes, a little bit of Buddhist wisdom there.

Fed, you might find the following books of wisdom interesting. You actually might find your answers in them as well.

A New Earth, Eckard Tolle. (IMHO, a brilliant book)

Any book by Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist who writes in a manner that type A Americans can understand and relate to.

reading A NEW EARTH right now, and it is brilliant imho as well. it's really speaking to me and i needed a break so i could gather my thoughts, and dive back in. too bad i didnt read it 10 months ago when you suggested it!

 

[RAE]

Consider adopting a homeless dog or cat. Not only will you feel good about saving a life, you can learn a lot about inner peace and contentment from animals. Cats are always content and self assured. Dogs are always glad to see you and thrilled with any activity. Both cats and dogs live in the moment. We can learn a lot from them.

Purron, I agree completely about dogs and cats being good for people, and helping one find inner peace. I tend to be a Type-A personality myself, and have one dog and one cat (both adopted from the shelter in town). I have to chuckle, though, because as I was reading the posts in this thread and starting to relax, my dog (3-yr old lab) is here staring intently at me from about a foot away, wagging his tail vigorously as if to say "alright, that's enough reading dad, let's go DO something!!". So, off for a walk we are headed (and that is good for me too, I know).

 

[SciFiFan53]

I agree with the post about seeking happiness as an exercise in futility. Happiness is best found as a by-product of other endeavors.
Personally, I believe that contentment comes from a spiritual center - based on the Bible. True contentment comes from a personal relationship with God.
Having said that - I have come to the belief over the years that much of our advertising media is so focused on making us discontent with what we have, that I really don't like much in the media anymore. Every ad and many TV programs (High Net Worth, others similar to it) are really a push toward discontentment.
I also have found that focusing on personal relationships also does not bring contentment. People come and go - some can inspire you and some drag you down - but people (including myself) are inevitably fallible, fickle, and fragile. Depending on them for contentment will never be sure to give contentment. Just my view

 

[thefed]

I agree with the post about seeking happiness as an exercise in futility. Happiness is best found as a by-product of other endeavors.
Personally, I believe that contentment comes from a spiritual center - based on the Bible. True contentment comes from a personal relationship with God.
Having said that - I have come to the belief over the years that much of our advertising media is so focused on making us discontent with what we have, that I really don't like much in the media anymore. Every ad and many TV programs (High Net Worth, others similar to it) are really a push toward discontentment.
I also have found that focusing on personal relationships also does not bring contentment. People come and go - some can inspire you and some drag you down - but people (including myself) are inevitably fallible, fickle, and fragile. Depending on them for contentment will never be sure to give contentment. Just my view

all which you just said hits home when reading the book i mentioned 2 posts above. i guess it'd be best to read the precursor to that book, which is "THE POWER OF NOW", first. either way, that whole paragraph you just wrote almost makes me chuckle after the chapter i just read. i highly recommend it. you are on the right track, and i think could glean something from it.

 

[CoolChange]

I don't know how I missed this thread earlier. Maybe I am ready for it now. I have just requested Meditation for dummies and A new earth as well as The science of happiness (again) from my local library.

I am definitely still struggling with many of the same issues from the OP. Perversely, this is the one area where my obsessive (possibly compulsive) nature seems to desert me.

 

[thefed]

I don't know how I missed this thread earlier. Maybe I am ready for it now. I have just requested Meditation for dummies and A new earth as well as The science of happiness (again) from my local library.

I am definitely still struggling with many of the same issues from the OP. Perversely, this is the one area where my obsessive (possibly compulsive) nature seems to desert me.

Let me tell you what I've found...take it for what it's worth. A NEW EARTH is great. it may be wise to read 'The power of now" first though, based on reviews i've read....although i'm reading them backwards so who knows...

Also, i got that meditation for dummies, and still had a tough time. I found a good one though that holds my hand from step 1..."8 Minute Meditation" by Davich. I'm only on week one of his 8 week program, but it's pretty straight forward. I'd recommend reading the power of now or new earth then starting on the 8 minute meditation plan

I hope you find what you are looking for. Although, if you are seeking, you are looking in the wrong place(that's my buddhist wisdom for the day haha)

 

[audreyh1]

theFed - reading earlier bits of this thread and the recent bits about meditation is making me think about yoga - again! I keep coming back to its profound benefits.

Yoga is really moving meditation. It's a lot easier IMO than sitting quietly meditation because you are "doing" something, but if you do the slow steady breathing properly and focus on your movements and how your body is feeling/responding to the poses - it's easier to stay focused on the now. Something about the slow movements seems to induce a meditative state without it seeming boring.

And I think doing yoga regularly gets you into a mental state that makes it easier to stay balanced in your life - less ups and downs, reduces strong feelings, etc. Certainly lowers the adrenaline that external factors or your own thought patterns might be generating. Is proven (the only exercise in fact) to reduce cortisol! I think that's a stress related hormone.

Plus it helps the body too - posture, balance, some strengthening. These things definitely help improve mental state for a longer time period.

Audrey

 

[GoodSense]

Great thread! I also don't know how I missed it the first time around. I am getting a little better this year about the art of doing nothing, but I still have a long way to go. The OP's first post made me chuckle. I also can think of a hundred things to do every weekend. I usually start out with only a few things planned on Friday, but as the weekend went on, my to-do list just keeps growing. By the end of Sunday I have a very long list of things partially accomplished.

I just requested "A New Earth" from the library. There were both a CD version and a book version. My first thought was: I need to get the CDs to listen in the car since I have no time to sit down & read a book! Haha.

I also agree with another poster's statement that personal relationships have limited ability to bring happiness. I used to think better personal relationships were a part of the cure to my constantly-distracted being. After trying a year to foster relationships, I have come to the understanding that only a few relationships are really worth cultivating. It could be spouse, family or friends. But the majority of my friendships (no offense to my friends) are fairly shallow, and although they add to the richness of my life, are not something to depend on.

 

[Milton]

I am getting a little better this year about the art of doing nothing, but I still have a long way to go.

May be of interest: The Idler.

the majority of my friendships (no offense to my friends) are fairly shallow, and although they add to the richness of my life, are not something to depend on.

That's probably true for most people. Don't sweat it.

 

[TromboneAl]

My conclusions on happiness:

1. Everyone has a general happiness setpoint. Whether you win the lottery, or are in an accident and lose you legs, you will return to that setpoint after a few months.

2. You can raise that setpoint a bit by counting your blessings. That is, thinking about the ways in which you are lucky.

Good book on this:

Amazon.com: Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment (9780743222983): Martin Seligman: Books

 

[Sarah in SC]

T-Al, that is a great book, and Marty Seligman is a wonderful author and expert on positive psychology. I love his work and the tie-in to behavioral economics.

 

[W2R]

My conclusions on happiness:

1. Everyone has a general happiness setpoint. Whether you win the lottery, or are in and accident an lose you legs, you will return to that setpoint after a few months.

I really think you've got something there. I am fundamentally a mildly happy person, and while life is not all "Wheee!!!!", still I find that when nothing bad is happening I am mildly happy and content.

2. You can raise that setpoint a bit by counting your blessings. That is, thinking about the ways in which you are lucky.

I haven't really tried that, but I am happy and content with my setpoint.

 

[hguyw]

My lack of contentment is due to being a worrier. I worry about lots of stuff, most of it beyond my control but that doesn't stop me. Intellectually, I know how stupid it is, but it's like I need to have this dark cloud following me around or something.

Among my various worries is the biggie: what if I never have enough saved to ER? Or even R at the level I'd like? My 403b balance is still below what I had two years ago. In that time I upped my contribution some, and after paying off the house a couple months ago I doubled it. I'm still not at the max (currently at 18K) but part of me wonders if, in this economy and for the forseeable future, it's an exercise in futility? Then again, what other option do I have?
<sigh>

 

[Milton]

My lack of contentment is due to being a worrier. I worry about lots of stuff, most of it beyond my control but that doesn't stop me. Intellectually, I know how stupid it is, but it's like I need to have this dark cloud following me around or something.

You might derive some benefit from Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. It's a bit dated, but still worthwhile.

You can find a summary here: Dale Carnegie's Advice On How To Stop Worring.

I hope this helps!

 

[LARS]

The essence of sorrow is to desire that which cannot come to pass... conquer that feeling/emotion within and you will find contentment.

 

[haha]

The essence of sorrow is to desire that which cannot come to pass... conquer that feeling/emotion within and you will find contentment.

I agree completely. That is why I have (reluctantly) given up on Gwyneth Paltrow.

Ha

 

[TromboneAl]

I was also going to recommend Carnegie's book. This book isn't too bad either:

Amazon.com: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Series) (9780786881857): Richard Carlson: Books

 

[audreyh1]

Worrying is a habit. And it is a habit that can be broken - without too much effort.

If something is worrying you, and you can in fact do something about it, then sit down, write a plan to deal with it, and set the plan aside for when you can execute the plan. Then you can quit worrying! When the worry keeps cropping up, remind yourself you have a plan. Reviewing the plan occasionally is good. Constantly obsessing over it is not.

A lot of people spend time worrying and fretting and/or getting angry about things that they can't really do anything about at all and/or don't really affect their personal lives to such a great degree that the angst is warranted. The media does a good job of getting us plugged into this wasted effort because that's have they keep us glued to the tube. Recognizing when things are beyond your control and learning to let go of them is pretty important.

For example - you sometimes hear people express:

The world/US/whatever is going to hell (and that is awful).

Well, maybe it is, but what does that really have to do with my life? Does it really mean my own life has to go to hell? Maybe not! Does it really mean I should life my own life tearing my hair out about it? Does that really do anyone (including myself) any good?

On top of the broad generalization that falsely concludes just because something bad is happening in the world at large it means that you are doomed in your own life, the above thinking is also a bad habit whereby the person is 100% convinced of some future negative outcome when the fact is that none of us know what the future will bring.

Audrey

 

[Walt34]

My lack of contentment is due to being a worrier. I worry about lots of stuff, most of it beyond my control but that doesn't stop me. Intellectually, I know how stupid it is, but it's like I need to have this dark cloud following me around or something.

Among my various worries is the biggie: what if I never have enough saved to ER? Or even R at the level I'd like? My 403b balance is still below what I had two years ago. In that time I upped my contribution some, and after paying off the house a couple months ago I doubled it. I'm still not at the max (currently at 18K) but part of me wonders if, in this economy and for the forseeable future, it's an exercise in futility? Then again, what other option do I have?
<sigh>

Well, what's the worst-case scenario? You lose all your savings/investments in some terrible market calamity and have to live in a trailer and survive on SS and what little income you may be able to find by sweeping floors part time.

There are people in that position and they deal with it. Some of them are even happy.

 

[hguyw]

Worrying is a habit. And it is a habit that can be broken - without too much effort.

I think you are very, very correct on that. That's probably where that constant black cloud comes from - you get so used to it being there it seems "normal".

I think part of my worry habit is from being a planner. I was always a good student, not so much because I was a brainiac but because I was good at planning my time, looking ahead to make sure I could get that paper done along with my other work, etc. It became a habit but it also kind of lead me into becoming a worrier I think. Did I forget anything? Did I allow enough time?

On top of that, my mom was and still is, a worrier. My dad is not, at least not as much as my mom. Now why couldn't I have learned from his example and not hers?

A lot of people spend time worrying and fretting and/or getting angry about things that they can't really do anything about at all and/or don't really affect their personal lives to such a great degree that the angst is warranted. The media does a good job of getting us plugged into this wasted effort because that's have they keep us glued to the tube. Recognizing when things are beyond your control and learning to let go of them is pretty important.

That's me and I agree - the media has a vested interest in keeping us hooked on the gloom and doom. Intellectually I know this - but it's still hard to escape. Of late, I've been thoroughly disgusted with their constant harping on the H1N1, irrationally terrifying parents when in fact, it really is an issue for parents to calmly discuss with their doctors.

I do think my fretting over my ER plans is due in part to my not being convinced that anything has really changed on Wall Street. I'm doing my part, pouring in as much money as I can but I have this feeling that some very greedy and soul-less people are gambling with my money. It's not an up-front obsessive worry, more of a niggly-naggly back of the mind thing.

On top of the broad generalization that falsely concludes just because something bad is happening in the world at large it means that you are doomed in your own life...

Sometimes we worriers just don't stop to think and look at the big picture. Recently I was sitting in my dentist's office reading that issue of Time with the lead article about this last decade being the worst since WWII. It pointed out that few people would say they're better off now than they were in 2000. Well, that got me to thinking...in 2000, I had CC debt, a balance on my mortgage and I'd just bought a new car. Best estimate is that I was at least $65K in the hole. Today, I am completely debt-free and at least am able to shovel a lot more money in the direction of those greedy and soul-less folks on Wall St. So that's something.

But you're right - worry is a habit. I need a new one... Don't worry, be happy!

 

[hguyw]

Well, what's the worst-case scenario? You lose all your savings/investments in some terrible market calamity and have to live in a trailer and survive on SS and what little income you may be able to find by sweeping floors part time.

There are people in that position and they deal with it. Some of them are even happy.

Well, hopefully I won't be living in the trailer. Recently paid off the house, so I plan to stay put!

 

[hguyw]

You might derive some benefit from Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. It's a bit dated, but still worthwhile.

Excellent book - your post reminded me that I already have it. I got it out last night. Thanks for the reminder.

As Audrey said, worry is a habit - I need to re-read the book and remind myself of that more often.

 

[Milton]

We all have undesireable habits; but few are as self-destructive as worry.

Here's hoping that you will be able to educate yourself and obtain some relief.