For those who have successful children

[Cpadave]

What was the secret? What advice would you give to parents? We have a 10 and 12 yrs old kids. TIA

[levindb]

Don't give them everything they ask for. Make them pay for a portion of their higher education...summer jobs, scholarships, or grants. They need to have some skin in the game starting at age 16...if they are athletes, you can relax a bit, but only in the off season.

[MrsHaloFIRE]

Following

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by levindb Don't give them everything they ask for. Make them pay for a portion of their higher education...summer jobs, scholarships, or grants. They need to have some skin in the game...

^ This, and I recommend you extend this even sooner, requiring them to "have some skin in the game" by expecting them to pay for a portion of major purchases like smart phones with $ from their allowance or other earnings.

Also, set future expectations early. For example, if you expect them to go to college, use phrases like "when you are in college" and "when you get your degree" when discussing their future with them. And let them know now what portion of their education you will pay for and what they will be expected to pay.

Finally, the most important thing you can do by far is set a good example.

[Mr. Tightwad]

I have one child that graduated with her Bachelors in business this year at the age of 18. She was the team MVP in cross country her freshman (only) year in high school.

My 19yo just finished her first year at Cal Tech. She's on the basketball team.

Both were junior olympic swimmers.

Who knows how things go in the future.

I used to teach parenting classes. perhaps that gave me an advantage.

My first tip would be it starts at birth. Proper supervision, proper behavior, teaching them what makes you a success and what doesn't. I put a lot of time into it, if you are an absent parent it won't happen.

I'd keep an eye on who they are friends with, their social circle reveals a lot.

[Nick12]

Once some kids were complaining about having a tough minded teacher. It prepares one in life when one reports to a tough minded boss.

[Car-Guy]

Before I can try to answer, I guess it depends on how you define success.

[athena53]

It's partly luck and what they're born with- really. I define DS as successful- he'll never be a CEO (doubt he wants to be) but he makes a good living as a claims adjuster and supports a family of 5 in a LCOL area. He loves what he does and they keep giving him messier cases to handle. which in that business is a good thing. They've asked for money only when they bought a new-to-them house- it was a modest amount that DS calculated would keep their monthly expenses level and I happily wrote them a check.

Good stuff: he was raised among people who value education and have healthy work ethics, he was expected to go to college, he was reading before he started kindergarten.

Bad stuff: he was NOT a star athlete or active at all, really, was raised in a dysfunctional marriage till my divorce at age 12, Ex was alcoholic, a financial train wreck and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage. DS floundered so badly in middle school that I sent him to NY Military Academy for HS (an hour from home) and even though that did him a world of good, he almost flunked out of college. Video games were an escape and he used them too much. His college education was paid for. (Same for my 4 siblings and me and we all ended up in very good jobs with respected degrees and professional credentials even though we had little skin in the game). A combination of a good therapist and finding structure in an evangelical Christian church got him back on track. His first employer started him out PT in Customer service, taking info from people who had totalled their cars and passing it on to claims adjusters. He was a gamble given his GPA but he worked hard and had good people and negotiation skills.

As for the "luck" part- my Ex and his sister were raised in a similar environment- Dad was an entrepreneur, family very wealthy, both expected to go to college. Ex's younger sister became a HUGELY successful entrepreneur in a business she and her second husband founded, ran and eventually wound down.

You try your best.

[JRon]

I was riding on an airplane years ago when my kids were little and sat next to a very nice woman who had successful children. I asked her the same question - her answer was “time”. Spend time with your kids. Stay involved with them. That was it.

It made sense to me so we followed that advice. We weren’t helicopter parents, but, for instance, I went to all their sports practices and games. Most parents went to games, but there were many times when I was the only parent at a practice. We treated all their interests the same way.

We now have 2 successful children - both have doctorate degrees, are married with kids, own their own homes, attend church, and are cautious with money - things we consider that show success.

[mystang52]

When my kids got their first paying jobs, I made them divide their net pay into 3 categories: College(book costs), car fund, and their own splurging money. When it came time for them to buy their first car, I helped them out with the purchase, but they knew they'd be responsible for gas and low maintenance items. Yes, I paid for the insurance.
My daughter (the older) went to college under the impression she was responsible for books, and the senior year tuition/room and board. The cost was maxed out at the freshman year costs. By the time senior year came around, we paid for it, but as noted earlier I wanted her to think she had "skin in the game." I couldn't pull that ruse on her younger brother, but he likewise was responsible for books.

[Katsmeow]

I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.

I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.

I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.

A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.

Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.

[tb001]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katsmeow I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not. I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster. I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think. A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age. Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.

I agree SO much with this. We have young kids, so I have no idea if they’ll be successful by the usual definition. But my brother and I were four years apart and are at pretty much the extremes of the success ladder. Me, doctorate, many yrs in senior professional positions, RE at 50 with high NW, married with two kids. My brother is a homeless addict with zero relationships under his belt.

Parents have far less control than they would like to think. The only significant difference in our upbringing is that my parents divorced when he was starting high school, so he likely had less supervision at that point. But honestly the differences in personalities were there at a very early age. By around 6-8 I would say. Maybe if my parents had been able to see the early signs and steer him towards more productive outlets it would have helped, but I doubt it would have made a huge difference.

[savory]

Quote:

Originally Posted by athena53 It's partly luck and what they're born with- really. I define DS as successful- he'll never be a CEO (doubt he wants to be) but he makes a good living as a claims adjuster and supports a family of 5 in a LCOL area. He loves what he does and they keep giving him messier cases to handle. which in that business is a good thing. They've asked for money only when they bought a new-to-them house- it was a modest amount that DS calculated would keep their monthly expenses level and I happily wrote them a check. Good stuff: he was raised among people who value education and have healthy work ethics, he was expected to go to college, he was reading before he started kindergarten. Bad stuff: he was NOT a star athlete or active at all, really, was raised in a dysfunctional marriage till my divorce at age 12, Ex was alcoholic, a financial train wreck and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage. DS floundered so badly in middle school that I sent him to NY Military Academy for HS (an hour from home) and even though that did him a world of good, he almost flunked out of college. Video games were an escape and he used them too much. His college education was paid for. (Same for my 4 siblings and me and we all ended up in very good jobs with respected degrees and professional credentials even though we had little skin in the game). A combination of a good therapist and finding structure in an evangelical Christian church got him back on track. His first employer started him out PT in Customer service, taking info from people who had totalled their cars and passing it on to claims adjusters. He was a gamble given his GPA but he worked hard and had good people and negotiation skills. As for the "luck" part- my Ex and his sister were raised in a similar environment- Dad was an entrepreneur, family very wealthy, both expected to go to college. Ex's younger sister became a HUGELY successful entrepreneur in a business she and her second husband founded, ran and eventually wound down. You try your best.

This reflects some of our experience. Both kids are very smart. Older son was a loner and simply different than the other kids. It was hard for him to motivate himself in the local high school. He finally figured out with help from a counselor that he needed more structure in his life. He actually found military school before we did. His grades turned around and military school turned out to be a perfect choice for him. It provided structure which we could not provide for him and I guess the other things he needed. (The good news is we could afford to send him there. It is not inexpensive.)He worked summers when he was home. He played no sports as he had no interest but he was a computer whiz. He loved the computer.

After dropping out of college at the end of his sophomore year, (BTW with scores just short of perfect on the SAT) we told him he had lots of time to work now. His independent approach allowed him to find work in IT. He purchased a house and made the payments, even when between jobs, by renting the spare bedrooms. Within a couple of years, he answered a newspaper ad with a company at the time was not well known but he knew them (you know them and use them now) and wanted to work for them. He landed a job with them where he has been able to build his career, get married and have a couple of kids. His path was difficult for us. But, he found his way.

Our daughter was more classic. Among the top graduates in her HS class.
Varsity basketball. Out of state college acceptance. Never asked her to do homework while in HS. Summer jobs and such.

In the last few years, their life is on a parallel path in terms of steady, responsible positions and taking on life responsibilities. If I had to narrow it down, it was a focus on independence and responsibility as well as communicating our respect for their choices and unconditional love.

I suppose the other was success is measured by their happiness, not the 'jones'. With that, they took their own path and for now, they both are incredibly responsible adults, kind to others, generous donators to causes, interested in society good (we don't always agree on approach) , and simply good people.

[Montecfo]

Some freeform thoughts:

Be consistent. Provide age appropriate boundaries and responsibilities, beginning early. Widen the funnel as they show they can handle responsibilities. Narrow it if needed.

Be willing to say no. Be their parent, their coach, their mentor. Not their friend. Do not be the "cool" mom or dad and avoid those parents who try to be.

Have them do work that is hard. It builds confidence and self reliance and drive. Teach them life skills. How to cook, in the yard and to fix things. There is honor in all kinds of work.

They should have jobs in my opinion. Preferably outside the house (learning to please other adults). Do not give them spending money outside of allowance. Motivates them to work.

Teach them about money from early age. Give them a modest allowance which grows annually. Don't pay them for household chores. This is just doing their part as a family member.

Teach them to balance saving, spending, and giving.

Prioritize school and study. Be involved. Know their friends, know where they are and who they are with.

Be willing to parent differently than neighbors or what society at large. Parenting takes courage.

Model these behaviors. They will believe your words

Love them.
Accept them.
Pray for them.

[Cpadave]

Thanks so much for all the replies so far.

[iloveyoga]

Don't spoil them. Make them help at home, no matter how painful to you. Make sure they realize that school is their job and very important. They are watching everything you do, so you actions speak very loudly. When they get old enough, let them do their own life, jobs, classes, banking, bills, etc. Let them know the gift of wanting something and working for it. Let them experience disappointment, so they can learn how to handle and recover. Love them, support them, and let them know you are always there for them. When they are teens, double down because those years are so important. They do remember advice you give them, even if they don't act like it at the time.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iloveyoga They are watching everything you do, so your actions speak very loudly.

When DS was in college he worked one summer at a grocery store. If they needed him at 6:30 AM, he was there at 6:30 AM. I told him how proud his stepfather and I were at his work ethic and he said, "Mom, I remember how hard you worked to support us when you were a single mother". My life as a single mother was far cushier than most- I had a college education, a well-paying job and the occasional business trips with fancy hotels and expense-account restaurants- but it melted my heart.

[iloveyoga]

Quote:

Originally Posted by athena53 When DS was in college he worked one summer at a grocery store. If they needed him at 6:30 AM, he was there at 6:30 AM. I told him how proud his stepfather and I were at his work ethic and he said, "Mom, I remember how hard you worked to support us wen you were a single mother". My life as a single mother was far cushier than most- I had a college education, a well-paying job and the occasional business trips with fancy hotels and expense-account restaurants- but it melted my heart.

It's so true! They do notice you going to work every day on time.

[NW-Bound]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tb001 ... Parents have far less control than they would like to think...

Parents definitely have an influence, so one cannot just leave his kids alone to their fate, flailing in the wind. But after all you have done, some children could not be helped. It really hurts a parent to admit this, and it is heartbreaking.

I tell people, if your kid turns out to be a responsible citizen, lives a happy constructive life free of crime, drugs, and misery, that's plenty good. Forget about degrees, wealth, status.

My two children are doing OK, but if they were surviving on a lower paying job, I would not love them any less.

[Nick12]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iloveyoga It's so true! They do notice you going to work every day on time.

Some places have a stricter attendance policy. Continue to show up late , violate company attendance policy and one's job can be in jeopardy.