Friendship turnover--your stories

[97guns]

I’ve lost contact with all my very good friends from school, it just seems like everyone’s lives change and we find less and less time for friends when there’s family. I’ve had several acquaintances from work that I thought were friends but they ended up burning me in one way or another. I only have 1 close friend now but I like to look up old friends on Facebook, I often think of everyone that I’ve crossed in my life

 

[ziggy29]

It's been tough for us in the last 11+ years. We grew up in city and suburban cultures, and when we married we lived in San Jose from 1992 to 2003, and Houston from 2003-06. We moved to a small town in the Texas Hill Country in 2006 and it wasn't too bad for the most part. But my wife was studying in seminary toward becoming ordained in ministry, and we were led to a small town of about 300 folks in early 2013.

She is ordained now and things are OK, but the culture shock is horrible. Most of the people are wonderful folks, but they are nothing like us. We have almost nothing in common to talk about. I get around some of the men in the congregation and they talk about life on the farm or the ranch, and I can't relate. Again, wonderful folks. But I don't know what the hell to say to them. Socializing is agonizingly awkward.

I can actually relate more to the women in the church when we have gatherings. They are usually more likely to talk about stuff I can relate to.

In San Jose and in Houston, we had no problem making friends. But here, it's tough -- especially since everyone here and in the somewhat larger town a few miles down the road (population 2,000) most people know us as the guy at the post office and the pastor, which are very visible roles in a small town and even the slightest breach of "propriety" would be talked about. We can't just be us without representing what we do. We have to go to Victoria, about 50 miles away, to escape. Or better yet, to San Antonio, about 85 miles.

There are things I do love about small town life. These aren't among them.

 

[street]

I have not kept in touch with old friends like I should have. I seen a lot of my classmates this years and was happy to see them again. I really don't have any real close friends but know many people where I live. It seems this day and age people each go their own way and are friends but don't do many things with them. To many other things to do these days compared to 60 years ago. 60 years ago people visited more because that was all there was to do and may have had a better friendship relation.

 

[Nemo2]

most people know us as the guy at the post office and the pastor, which are very visible roles in a small town and even the slightest breach of "propriety" would be talked about.

Wow...your stress levels must be through the roof.....us, we thrive on anonymity..."Who was that masked man?"......

 

[Lsbcal]

Wow...your stress levels must be through the roof.....us, we thrive on anonymity..."Who was that masked man?"......

Maybe anonymity is a modern day luxury? If you have to really rely on a friend's help in a crisis, it can be very comforting.

Recently we had to quickly evacuate due to wildfires. One couple asked if we would like to stay in their house and we gratefully accepted. It turned out to greatly ease our tensions. Now, we could have driven way out of our area (others were occupying reasonably priced hotels) but we think we also needed the human warmth of friends or family. Yep, we are maybe a bit too anonymous sometimes.

 

[Midpack]

Like others here, we moved every three years or so as children (both military brats), so we didn’t make lifelong childhood friends. Neither of us watched anyone (outside family) grow up from toddler to adult like most have?

And until my last assignment, we moved often as adults too. We made friends at each location, but all but a handful fell away within a few years after we moved.

So we tend to have a few very close friends, where others we know have lots of acquaintances and a few closer friends.

To be honest, we’re both finding it more and more difficult to make new friends the older we get, now in our early 60’s. It seems most people our age have an established circle of friends, many lifelong, and they just don’t expect to make any new ones - they’re set? Joining groups/activities helps, but not as much as I guessed before I retired. It’s still not as easy as it was when we were younger...but maybe we’ll get better at it.

Another recent barrier we didn’t anticipate, lately we’ve given up a few friendships due to excessive drinking to us, though not outright alcoholism on their part. We’re not teetotalers by any means and we have not changed, but a few former good friends have gravitated to making drinking too much a part of almost every activity. We don’t want to overdo anymore (got over that in college mostly), some of my current friends have made drinking too much a prerequisite of getting together, and we’re losing interest...

 

[Danmar]

Interesting topic. Having friends and a good social life is , in my opinion, very important as we age. Both DW and I are continually making efforts to connect and make new friends. We will often become friends with neighbours, trainers, hairdressers, people we meet on trips, etc. We have made a lot of friends on bike trips as these people share our interests-being travel and biking.

Don’t have many friends from work(retired 11 years). One guy from the early 80’s and another from the late eighties. Get together a few times a year.

Still have a lot of “school acquaintances” but it’s been so long and our lives are so different, only see them every few years for a drink. Usually organized by my brother.

For me, friends and social contact are very important and well worth the effort. But I won’t spend time with people who don’t share my values. Recently, in Arizona, I have found that the current polarized political envireonment has caused some potential friction. Really hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but I have to. Luckily, it seems that our friends generally share our views.

 

[flyingaway]

Can anyone give a definition of the friendship that you are talking about? Do you consider someone who can go out to have a dinner with you as friend? Do you consider someone who can lend you $1,000 to you as your friend? Do you consider someone who can share a hotel room with you when you go out as your friend?

 

[Danmar]

Can anyone give a definition of the friendship that you are talking about? Do you consider someone who can go out to have a dinner with you as friend? Do you consider someone who can lend you $1,000 to you as your friend? Do you consider someone who can share a hotel room with you when you go out as your friend?

Someone we can share a dinner out works as a pretty good definition for me. I guess if it was a large group, some would be friends of friends and only rank as acquaintances. We travel with closer friends and family. Someone I would invite to my daughter’s wedding would be a close friend. Although this would, of course, depend on the size of the wedding.

Would never loan money or share a hotel room with anybody. Well other than DW of course.

 

[pb4uski]

Few of my friendships extended beyond normal life transition points (moves, job changes, etc...). Going away to college killed most of my hometown friendships. Going away to graduate school halfway around the world killed most of my college friendships. Graduating and getting my first job killed most of my graduate school friendships, etc...

A few friendships survived through all the commotion of life and those are the ones that matter. I might see those friends only once a year in person, sometimes less, but when we meet again it's as if we have never been apart.

+1 No friendships ended as a result of a spat... they just withered away after we moved on to other things or stages of life in most cases. I have one friend from high school that I see regularly.... also one from college (my best man). I have a few people that I touch base with a couple times a year (college roomate, last boss) and others who i touch base with if my travels bring me into their area.

One interesting thing about our "retirement" friends... new friends that we have made since retiring.... hardly anyone gives a tinkers damn what you previously did... we're just all trying to have fun... so the retired carpenter has the same social status as the retired CEO in our new circles.

 

[Nemo2]

Maybe anonymity is a modern day luxury? If you have to really rely on a friend's help in a crisis, it can be very comforting.

We have a few friends/relatives who, if we showed up at their door, would take us in....we also have cordial 'relationships' with a couple people in our immediate vicinity who know if we're going to be away, and perhaps even where we're going.........but that is light years away from ziggy29's assertion that he and his wife are basically under a perpetual spotlight.

 

[Sunset]

Can anyone give a definition of the friendship that you are talking about? Do you consider someone who can go out to have a dinner with you as friend? Do you consider someone who can lend you $1,000 to you as your friend? Do you consider someone who can share a hotel room with you when you go out as your friend?

I have a lot like this girl (no idea how to get the player box to show ) :

https://youtu.be/UOc9IqLWvZI?t=7s

 

[street]

One thing I forget to add to my post is that most of the close friends I have are not finically sounds. I find people that aren't rich are people I admire the most and have to most fun with.

 

[Scrapr]

Can anyone give a definition of the friendship that you are talking about? Do you consider someone who can go out to have a dinner with you as friend? Do you consider someone who can lend you $1,000 to you as your friend? Do you consider someone who can share a hotel room with you when you go out as your friend?

I have always said a close friend is one that will post bail for you. A really close friend won't tell your wife

 

[Lsbcal]

Can anyone give a definition of the friendship that you are talking about? Do you consider someone who can go out to have a dinner with you as friend? Do you consider someone who can lend you $1,000 to you as your friend? Do you consider someone who can share a hotel room with you when you go out as your friend?

It's an interesting question. The people I like best are very accepting and treat the relationship as "we are at the same level". One friendship broke up because the couple seemed to think they were a bit superior.

Sometimes I ask myself what is the test of a friendship? Maybe I just should not ask that question. Maybe I should just work at holding up my side of the relationship.

 

[Music Lover]

I have always said a close friend is one that will post bail for you. A really close friend won't tell your wife

A friend will help you move. A close friend will help you move a body...

 

[Midpack]

It's an interesting question. The people I like best are very accepting and treat the relationship as "we are at the same level". One friendship broke up because the couple seemed to think they were a bit superior.

Not quite the same, but we deliberately let a fairly close friendship with another couple die because it became apparent they were more interested in conspicuous consumption than we were/are. We could afford to play, but didn’t want too. I was reminded of the adage ‘the richer your friends, the more it’ll cost you.’

 

[skipro33]

Had a long term friend I went motorcycle camping trips around the West with. We'd ride for weeks, camping out when and where we felt like it and every day and evening a different place. He drank, not a lot, but when he did, he got pretty verbally abusive. Finally said enough and told him why and to not contact me again. That was a bit over 4 years ago. I knew the friendship was sort of toxic, but didn't realize how much until after and how much better I felt about myself as time went by after we parted ways. BTW, he's been married 5 times. 3 to the same woman!

 

[skipro33]

Another friend was also a co-worker. We did a lot of stuff as couples. One day his wife calls and said she found out he was seeing another woman. She confronted him and he kicked her out. Changed he locks on the house even. I asked him if he ever needed or wanted to talk, let me know. He got very angry and never spoke to me again outside our work. I have no idea what happened. One day it's the 4 of us going on wine tasting tours and the next he cut all ties with us and his wife. He was about 58 years old at the time.

 

[Dd852]

This was an interesting thread. We’ve also been “movers “ - 11 international moves in 33 years. We don’t have kids so never had that quick fallback of school circles and kids friends. So we have become hugely self contained. And thankfully the two of us are friends as well as lovers. We can make acquaintances easily and don’t lack for social companions. But true soul mates, ones we’d confide in, are countable on a mutilated hand. What I don’t know is whether this is a factor of our personalities- ie we would have been the same no matter whether we’d moved around or not - or whether it is purely a byproduct of the lifestyle. Probably a bit of both

 

[scrabbler1]

I have not had many friends in my lifetime, as I am mostly an introvert. Most of the time, the friends I had but lost were due to geography. They moved away, and I am not willing to travel like I once used to do before my get-up-and-go just got-up-and-went. This would be true for several friends I had in college. I remain here on Long Island and the friends moved to Westchester County or southern Connecticut, or to pointed much further away.


A few other friends I lost for other reasons. One, from college, became a workaholic and had become very difficult to get in contact with. He didn't have email and had his aunt, whom he lived with, run interference for him whenever I called. This limited me to writing letters even though he lived fairly close by.


Some friends were coworkers, so when I retired 9 years ago, I lost most contact with them. A few I still stay in touch with but others I rarely, if ever hear from, and I stopped emailing them after they didn't reply to me much any more.


And I haven't been seeking out any new friends. I have my ladyfriend and my best (male) friend, the (snakebit) one I have written about over the years.

 

[Katsmeow]

I've recently reconnected with some old friends.

I was friends with C. during high school and college. She was by far my closest friend during this time. But, then I went away to law school and she married. If you think back to almost 40 years ago, staying in touch wasn't that easy. Long distance phone calls cost money. We didn't have cell phones with free long distance or emails or texts or Facebook. We can criticize all of those things, but they have revolutionized our ability to stay in regular contact with those we don't live near. Eventually she and I lost touch.

The about 15 years ago or so I reconnected with her. This was through another mutual friend who had been a very close friend when I was even younger. For awhile C and I stayed in contact even though we still lived a couple of hundred miles apart. But, then I sort of fell off the face of the earth as we had lots of stuff going on with raising 3 kids (I married and had kids late) and I was working really demanding hours at the time.

Anyway around that time I also had a good friend A that I had gotten to know playing bridge in the late 80s. When I met her, I was still single and she had come back to playing bridge after raising her child. 12 years later, I had married and now had kids and was finding hard to continue playing bridge (actually impossible at the time). So, about the time I fell off the face of the earth with C. I also fell off the face of the earth for A.

And for the last 15 years I basically really haven't had real life friends. I mean my husband is my best friend. So I wasn't unhappy. But during most of my adult life I had usually had at least one good friend (I am an introvert so 2 or 3 is about my limit). But during those years when things were so busy I didn't. I tried abortive attempts with A. and C. a few times over the years but never could really continue due to all the hub bub going on.

But recently I realized that life has settled down. Our kids have left the nest. We have much more time. So, a couple of weeks ago I went to my high school reunion and saw C. We've talked since then. I realize that it is way, way easier to now stay in touch with someone who lives a couple of hundred miles away.

And, I called A and we spent time catching up on the phone. I'm meeting her for lunch later this week.

 

[Scuba]

For me a close friend is someone you'd call if you had an emergency and needed help or emotional support. A good friend would come see you in the hospital. We live in Southern CA so even some of our close friends aren't people we see that often, but the quality of the conversation is deeper with close friends vs "fun buddies." People you go out and enjoy casual conversation with are an enjoyable part of our social life, but aren't people I'd lean on in a crisis.

I would avoid asking anyone for money no matter how close the relationship. Too awkward and potential for bad outcomes is not worth risking the relationship. Hopefully we will never be in the position to need money from others as we highly value being financially self-sufficient.

 

[imoldernu]

For some friendships (acquaintances) come and go and for others they last a lifetime. I'm curious about others experiences of the transition point from friend to not friend. I'm sure given this group their are some funny as well as tragic stories.

Over the years my personal experience has been to turnover fiends at various transitions points in my life. A move, 30 miles can do it, marriage, kids etc, have all resulted in a turnover of sorts. As we transition to the next phase of life, I already see the early stages of it setting in.

Well said. +1