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Old 11-20-2023, 09:55 PM   #481
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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Old 11-22-2023, 04:49 PM   #482
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When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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Old 11-23-2023, 12:53 PM   #483
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Old 11-23-2023, 01:15 PM   #484
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Old 11-26-2023, 07:02 AM   #485
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I started taking Viagra.


My wife says I am like Disney World now.














She has to wait an hour for a 1 minute ride...
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Old 11-26-2023, 07:45 AM   #486
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Originally Posted by wallygator69 View Post
I started taking Viagra.


My wife says I am like Disney World now.


She has to wait an hour for a 1 minute ride...
I would have thought something like “another wait behind every corner” or “like the speed pass, makes for a shorter experience” or “now I can get more rides”
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Old 11-28-2023, 02:26 PM   #487
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I thought growing old would take longer.
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Old 11-28-2023, 04:05 PM   #488
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wallygator69 View Post
I started taking Viagra.


My wife says I am like Disney World now.














She has to wait an hour for a 1 minute ride...
i hope she doesn't have to wait in one of those long twisting lines for her turn.
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Old 11-28-2023, 10:43 PM   #489
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This feels like it has been around but was new to me. The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"
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Old 12-12-2023, 03:49 PM   #490
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With apologies to one of our illustrious members:
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Old 12-16-2023, 11:29 AM   #491
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Old 12-21-2023, 09:48 PM   #492
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What do you call a group of crows who don't get along and split up?

Attempted murder.
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Old 12-30-2023, 07:36 AM   #493
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Why We Love Kids
Old 12-30-2023, 07:43 AM   #494
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Why We Love Kids

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Old 01-02-2024, 07:06 PM   #495
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Fascinate…
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big, she can only fasten eight."

The teacher just shook her head.
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Old 01-03-2024, 12:04 PM   #496
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Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Cordially, Harry
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Old 01-03-2024, 12:57 PM   #497
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Old 01-04-2024, 10:12 AM   #498
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It is obvious the world is not flat.

Cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
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Old 01-04-2024, 02:34 PM   #499
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Old 01-15-2024, 03:34 PM   #500
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Only date women with outstanding arrest warrants.

That way you're sure they won't call the police on you.

Follow me for more relationship advice.
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