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Old 04-19-2021, 08:50 PM   #41
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
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Old 04-20-2021, 11:50 AM   #42
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The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped. -Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)
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Old 04-21-2021, 07:46 AM   #43
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The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped. -Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)
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Old 04-22-2021, 12:50 PM   #44
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My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Apparently Jack and the beans talk.
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Old 04-22-2021, 02:07 PM   #45
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Numbers is hard

The key to understanding human behavior is realizing half the population is below average.
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Old 04-25-2021, 10:03 AM   #46
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The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped. -Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)
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Old 04-26-2021, 09:01 PM   #47
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Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandparents for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.

‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
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Old 04-27-2021, 06:31 AM   #48
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The Beaujolais Bistro
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.
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Old 05-03-2021, 08:59 PM   #49
Recycles dryer sheets
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I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
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Old 06-29-2021, 10:26 AM   #50
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Old 06-29-2021, 11:21 PM   #51
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Why did the toilet paper NOT cross the road?



It got stuck in the crack.
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Old 07-08-2021, 12:10 PM   #52
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Numbers is hard

The key to understanding human behavior is realizing half the population is below average.
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Old 07-23-2021, 02:43 PM   #53
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Plagiarized without shame from a model airplane forum:
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When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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Old 07-23-2021, 02:47 PM   #54
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I thought growing old would take longer.
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Old 07-24-2021, 07:10 AM   #55
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."
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Old 07-26-2021, 10:18 AM   #56
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Not a joke, but a humorous thought I had today: I think the real reason for marriage is to help people from killing themselves as they get older.

Me to Wife: "I just walked in the kitchen and saw that you forgot to turn the stove off (again)."

Wife to Me: "You haven't been 21 for forty years; so, no, you are not going to get the ladder out to go on the roof and clear out the gutters."
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Old 10-19-2021, 11:37 AM   #57
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
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Old 10-19-2021, 11:46 AM   #58
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An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand.

Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Old 10-20-2021, 04:29 PM   #59
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Old 10-20-2021, 04:59 PM   #60
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Give me a forum ...
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"Just say No to drugs" -- Slogan

Well, if a guy talks to his drugs, he most likely already said "Yes".
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