Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

[MichaelB]

The moderator team has long taken a mostly hands-off approach here in this thread but it seems necessary now to be somewhat more active. The following policy will apply to this thread:

• Our Community Rules will be applied somewhat more consistently than they have been.
  
• Jokes can be funny without being demeaning, snide, partisan, obscene, or so esoteric that only a few will get them. Don't go there; this is not that kind of forum.
  
• No more than one joke post per day from anyone.
  
• Many of these are so ancient that they have been posted here multiple times over the years. If you suspect that's the case, then don't do it.
  
• Posts that don't meet these standards will be removed without notice, posters will not be notified.
  
  This is a thread for humor. Real jokes, not social messages.

[CDRE]

Murphy's other 15 laws:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[braumeister]

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

[Car-Guy]

[Leo1277]

Quote:

Originally Posted by braumeister I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

Why do those who don’t know about parallelograms have much higher IRS audit rates?

Because percentages were taught right after parallelograms in math class, and they were still not paying attention.

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leo1277 Why do those who don’t know about parallelograms have much higher IRS audit rates? Because percentages were taught right after parallelograms in math class, and they were still not paying attention.

As long as we are bringing math into the jokes, here is a definition of a state sponsored lottery: A tax on people who didn't study their math.

[Car-Guy]

Well since we covered math above, here's one for science...

[braumeister]

.

[Qs Laptop]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chuckanut As long as we are bringing math into the jokes, here is a definition of a state sponsored lottery: A tax on people who didn't study their math.

Plenty of people don't win the lottery the first few thousand times they play it.

[Walt34]

play the victim:

[Jeb-NY]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.

The case was dismissed.

[Time2]

Bond, James Bond

[Car-Guy]

[Car-Guy]

New joke pickens are really getting slim but I did find some newer one liners.... Here's today's "post" of those one liners.


Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."
Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

[Qs Laptop]

Not so much jokes, as pithy sayings...

You ever hate your job with the passion your boss says you lack?

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what, never again.

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

I bought my mom a new refrigerator for her birthday. You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it!

Where would we be without friction?

A lot of people out there are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

Do gun manuals have a trouble shooting section?

[MissMolly]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular person.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - they should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send them up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Car-Guy]

Posting this here, since it is a joke.....

[catii]

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear!

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Men, avoid arguments with the other half about leaving the toilet seat up by simply peeing in the sink.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

[Walt34]

A bit late in the season but still timely in some places:

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

Just replying so I can start getting daily e-mails again. It's been quiet this past week without my 'funny joke' fix.