Grandkids - How Close Is Too Close?

[ivinsfan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamer When I talk on the phone, I walk from room to room and look out the windows. I would not want anyone to think that I am spying on them. I would also want to be able to leave our house for a walk or to go somewhere without our grandchildren wanting to go with us. I would want this to be our idea and for us to invite them. We are getting ready to go visit them in about a week or so, and can't wait to see them. It will be exhausting, because they have bought a new home and we will be helping with the kids and moving.

Got it, I was thinking it's still walking distance but your comments are right on.

[Amethyst]

Why? Is there some law against setting child care boundaries?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ziggy29 That was my first thought. Someone may really love their grandkids and enjoy spending time with them, but unless boundaries and expectations are appropriate set and understood, Grandma and Grandpa could become an endless, bottomless, infinite source of child care.

[gwraigty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamer I would also want to be able to leave our house for a walk or to go somewhere without our grandchildren wanting to go with us. I would want this to be our idea and for us to invite them.

This can be a genuine concern. I had issues with some neighbors after we moved into our new construction home. They and their kids wore out their welcome and ruined what might have been a good friendship.

[Good_Life]

About 5 years ago a house came up for sale next to my parents house. One of my brothers (who was not in a position to purchase it) convinced my other brother that he should look at buying it because my parents were getting older and they may need the help. As this was going on I asked my mother if she really wanted my brother and his wife and three kids to move next door (the kids were all in elementary school/middle school). My mother said she was definitely worried about it and wondered if it would really work out well, but she never said anything to them...

Five years later though and its actually been a great situation. My brother's kids go over and help out with yard work at my parents house and my brother helps out my Dad with a lot of things. The kids are now at ages where they love their Grandparents next door to visit occasionally, but they definitely have their own lives.

That being said situations can differ quite a bit. My parents had a lower risk of being the ones constantly babysitting or picking up kids because my brother's wife is SAHM. My brother is also a teacher so his schedule coincided more with the annual school schedule.

I wonder if you would really see them daily, especially after they all got into school. All the young families I know lead very busy hectic lives and are constantly going to different activities. Regardless though, I would first make sure you were on the same page with your wife with your concerns and talk it with her. If you both can agree that it might not be the best situation definitely talk to your daughter about those concerns before they go too far down such a significant financial decision.

[Bamaman]

How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

[Teacher Terry]

When the kids were little we bought the house next door to my parents. It was great. When my dad had a stroke it was easy to help and my mom watched the kids after school when I was going to college. So easy without having to drive somewhere. Everyone was coming considerate so never had any issues.

[ziggy29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Why? Is there some law against setting child care boundaries?

Huh? Of course not. I just said it may be important to make sure they are established and understood.

No idea where you got the idea that means I suggested that there's some law against it.

[donheff]

My son, daughter-in-law, and three grandkids live about half a mile away. They often drop in and come to dinner one or two times per week. For us it is very nice. Early on we set limits about babysitting and day care - a little of the former and very rarely the later (primarily for emergencies). We always coordinate by phone or text before visits and our son and his wife don't push the limits. I credit that to both of us. We express our wishes and they respect them.

[gerntz]

Sleeping in our bedroom - unless it's a two room house.

We see our 14 & 9 year olds practically every week & often multiple times. Spending 4 days in April with them, same cabin. Even allowing their parents in.

[Midpack]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bamaman How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning? We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues. But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however. We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

There’s a special place for people like you. Some friends of ours ended up with custody of their grandkids, a sweet 8 yo girl and a disruptive 13 yo boy. Needless to say it completely changed the life our friends had planned. But they managed, put both kids through college, and the kids became decent independent adults. And our friends they got their lives back after a delay of about 15 years, and they had no regrets when all was said and done.

[gwraigty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bamaman How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning? We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues. But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however. We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.

I was raised by my grandparents and lived with them until I married at age 28. My mother was there and that's about all I'll say about her at present. She did have custody of me. I think I turned out OK.

[Sue J]

A little perspective...

Our only grandchild is 4 months old. Our son, DIL and the baby live about a mile and a half from us. Right now our DIL and grandson are in Beijing, China staying with DILs parents so that they can meet their grandson and get to know him. Our son was also there for 3 weeks but is already back home.

In early April these wonderful, loving grandparents in China will have to say goodbye to their only grandson and outside of video chatting will probably not see him again for a year or so. DH and I, back here in Ohio, got so attached to him in his first months and with him gone for almost 3 months we know he won't remember us when he gets back. That's ok, he'll get to know us again and we will have him close by for most of his life.

I know this doesn't apply to the OPs situation. Totally different. Just reminded me that there can be "too close" and also "much too far away".

Back to the OPs situation. I would love to have our son and DIL and baby close by. Maybe not across the street but down the block, or around the corner, or in the next neighborhood. We have already established that they should call or message if they are coming over (we need to put up the gate for the dog) and that has worked very well. So far, we haven't babysat very often because our DIL is nursing. She can leave a bottle with us but they usually want to take the baby with them, which is very nice.

They are hoping to buy a house in the next year or so and I'm hoping it's not too far away. I'd love to have them nearby and they are very respectful of boundaries. And we are respectful of theirs.

[fasteddie911]

I grew up down the street from my grandparents and saw them less than your grandkids see you. In hindsight it was nice, though I didn't appreciate it much at that time. We weren't high energy but I get where you're coming from. If they do buy the house, I think it would be better to let your feelings be known, at least to your spouse if not the parents, and/or set aside quiet time for yourself and let your spouse handle the kids. I think its fine being a recluse if everyone knows why. Depending what you do in your alone time, it could be something you start involving one of the grandkids in (say if you did woodworking or something).

[Winemaker]

Our GKs live 6 hours away at the other end of the state, DW and I would love to see them a couple of times a week or more. Pick your poison. I'd rather be pooped out round around with them, playing with Legos, Thomas the train, with the doll house, etc. than be wondering what they're doing.

[wmc1000]

Our 5 GK's live between 15 and 60 minutes away. DW and I like the fact that any of them are close enough for us to see them regularly. We both agree that the short distance, relatively speaking, lets us have plenty of time with them yet still have our own schedule.

[samclem]

Obviously, the "best" distance depends on the situation and the folks involved. DD lives about 5 minutes away with our grandson, he's 4 now. He spends the night with us about twice per week (when DD is scheduled to work late) plus more visits for a few hours every week. It seems to be working out well for all involved. He's got a lot of energy, but I enjoy being with him, taking him places (he'll happily spend an hour or two chasing geese at a pond, dashing around with the other kids at a playground, etc) or just him and me playing on the floor with some blocks and toy trucks. Everything is new to him, and exploring things with him is a treat. Having raised a child, DW and I now appreciate that these years are fleeting and all too soon he won't have much use for an oldster, but right now it is almost magic.
Exhausting? A little.

[michelek]

Our DS brought home a puppy does that count? No grandkids yet thank heaven- but the puppy is now ours to watch all day while DS goes to work at a full time office job. This pup is cute but requires constant attention. When I complained about the inconvenience - he said he would take it to doggy day care. I asked how much it cost. $25 day. Just saying he never offered to pay us the $25 per day when we are being the day care. I warned him NOT to get the dog but he did anyway now we are the ones taking care of it. Same thing would happen if it was a grandchild like Bamaman . I’ve been there and done that so wouldn’t want to do parenting all over again- but it would be impossible for me to decline the responsibility.

[tb001]

As an older parent of two young kids, I can actually see that being close might be easier. Doing an hour or two or an afternoon here or there with the kids is way easier than a few days at once.

Only you know your kids/DW and if there might be boundary issues or issues with limits. If so, then have those discussions up front.

I’ll also echo what others have said. The early years go so fast and soon they’ll be in school, so it will be less of an issue. I would love for my mother to live close to us, not because she would be a huge help with kids, but because she’s going to need help sooner than she thinks and it would be way less stressful for us if she’s close. These things work both ways...

[gerntz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fasteddie911 I grew up down the street from my grandparents and saw them less than your grandkids see you..

That was my situation for one set of gp's. Other gm lived with us last year of her life & died when I was 6. I was in back seat with her when she had a stroke & was gone. Didn't impact me too much as I really didn't appreciate fully what was happening.

Spent a lot of time at remaining gp's. We lived with them till I was 3. Even when we had our own place, Dad was over there helping out grandpa a lot with his small truck farm & floral businesses & I got dragged/drug along. Big family so I wasn't so special!

[imoldernu]

Age...

From 55 to 75, wonderful. March to October, mostly at our Woodhaven Campground home.
Not just our own grandkids, but every kid in the neighborhood. 5 to 15 at a time... biking, canoeing, paddle boat, campfires, hikes and swimming at the pools or the beach or going to the weekend major events. Wonderful times, and among the fondest of memories. When my own kids moved away, we were still the adventure center for the entire neighborhood. It was just like summer camp.

Now... not so much. Most of the kids are grown with some graduating from college and even grad school. I like to think that some of what we did over those 20 years rubbed off. The youngest is already 9 years old.

Wouldn't trade those years for anything, but not sure it would have been the same if they were living across the street.