Happy Marriages (the un-divorce thread)

[kcowan]

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Originally Posted by kitesurfer2 9 year anniversary today! my 1st lasted 7.5 years. 2nd 12.5 years. 3rd 8 years. judge away been married 25 years...ups and downs they say. ..

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry I married young and it only lasted 3 years. I married again and stayed for 22 years until the last kid was 18. I dragged him to counseling numerous time but in the end it was a life sentence and I got out. I swore I would never marry again. I met my current husband and let him know I had no plans to marry. After 5 years of living together I changed my mind. We have been happily together for 20 years.

DW had 3 marriages: 1 year, 6 years, 14 years and now 23 years. If you note the sequence, it is looking good for us. For me, 2: 26 years and 23 years. The first part was largely lust until we got to know each other. Then friendship and mutual respect has fueled the remainder.

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Originally Posted by Walt34 We're going out to dinner the evening of the anniversary and I'll probably even wear a tie and jacket.

We each subject ourselves to inspection before going to a special place. I will often pass muster because she bought the clothes but there are always combinations to be accounted for. For her, it is the choice of earrings and shoes.

[H2ODude]

Both 67, married at 19. Probably the exception to the stats about such young marriages, this one has worked great for 48 years. I'd say that ours was one in which we sort of grew up together, faced a lot of difficulties and turns that we not only survived but used to grow. When it comes to money I was the tightwad, and we've both changed such that now I want to spend and she's cautious. I think money is often a real issue for many couples.

When married she dropped out of college to support me (since parents turned us loose for having gotten married so young). It was always about advancing my career and earning potential, moves were often early on. She never complained and did get into real estate but was happy to drop in favor of a move for my career. I don't see that often in younger folks, but "in our day" with my income it was quite possible to have an upper middle class life on one income so that worked for us.

My advice to kids and others is communication. Well, duh! That and just don't get upset about small stuff. Life's short, getting shorter, and best make the most of your happiness with your spouse. Besides, in my case if you read how she got me to this point then if we ever divorced she'd be right to get it all!

[Souschef]

Me: 1st 11 years (young & stupid) 2nd 30 years (death) 3rd and last, 11 years so far
DW: 1st 43 years (dearth) 2nd me

[Breedlove]

45 years last June , we were childhood sweethearts . We dated through HS I graduated a year before her . We got married 2 days after she graduated HS . We went college together , it was so damn hard but we made it . We came from similar backgrounds . We have always taken the attitude from when we were young that the only thing that could stop us was money problems and jealousy . We both understand that in a marriage sometimes one spouse will lead and it changes . It is like chapters in a book . Most of our running friends have been married many years also .

[TimeMeasure]

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Originally Posted by CaliKid Seeing the sad thread of the person potentially going through a divorce and all the horrible things that come with that how people chime in with the things you do (big or small) that lead to a successful marriage!? What works for the success of your marriage?

What a great thread - about the positive in life. It has been interesting, and even heartwarming, to read the comments.

With time, one becomes increasingly reluctant to generalize about what works in marriage. There is so much diversity in individuals, and in relationships, and there seem to be exceptions to any rule. But if one had to generalize, the two most important factors in a good marriage are probably kindness and empathy. Everything else stems from these.

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." - The Dalai Lama

Other folks have mentioned compatible values, and that is a very important factor, which helps a lot. But even other values that differ, are a surmountable obstacle, if the bedrock values of kindness and empathy are present.

Other "big things" that help with a successful marriage:

Practicing Gottman's 7 principles for healthy relationships - and avoiding the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships. Understanding each other's "love languages." Lots of information available by searching on these phrases.

Little things that help to make a marriage successful and happy:

Appreciate each other. Recognize effort, and thank each other for it. Be patient. Hold hands, including in public. If you have a routine of telling each other "I love you" at certain times, do it, even if you happen to be irritated with each other at the moment. Think about each other, not just about yourselves. And think about each other as a person, not just as a male or a female, not just as a husband or a wife. Make jokes. Touch. Be on the same side against the problem, not on opposite sides against each other. Be tolerant. Respect your spouse, and also respect yourself; keep a balance. Bring your wife in a fresh-cut bouquet of flowers from the garden, for no reason, if she likes flowers. Realize that being kind and being honest aren't mutually exclusive. Admire the color of the evening clouds together. Enjoy what you can of the present moment together, but also sometimes look at your life together from a distance, and realize that it is temporary, and savor it the more.

We have been together, in one way or another - good friends, courting, married - for nearly a quarter century. Longer than some, shorter than others. We have been very fortunate in some ways, and in other ways we can feel and see mortality approaching. Life is long, life is short. One must try to live it while it lasts, and help one's spouse to do so also.

[Walt34]

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Originally Posted by TimeMeasure There is so much diversity in individuals, and in relationships, and there seem to be exceptions to any rule.

+1.

DW's brother is married to the one I've referred to here as "Spendarina" who thinks that "affordable" means she can make the payments. When they got married family was making bets on how many weeks the marriage would last but 16 years later they're still together. Go figure. But if me and her were living in the same house we'd be at each other's throats within days if not hours. But they seem happy together.

[SteveNU]

37 years here. I've been retired 5 years and she's been retired 2 years. We've been empty nesters for about 3 years now and are enjoying it.

This summer I'm volunteering as a campground host in Maine for the summer for almost 5 months. It's a 4 hour drive home and we see each other about every two weeks. We talk on the phone everyday at least once. She enjoys doing her own thing with her girlfriends while I'm here.

She watches our 2 year old granddaughter at home 3-4 days a week so she stays at home while I'm here. It works for us but I don't think I would do it again unless she wants to do it too. She feels obligated to help out with the little one and that's okay with me. Another year or so and she'll be in preschool and hopefully we can get away together more often then.

The old saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder is really true in our case!

[97guns]

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Originally Posted by MRG We were high school sweethearts and married right after high school, we didn't have to, we wanted to. My DF was absolutely furious, but had no power to stop us, although he tried. He'd always promised me a full ride to PSU, that disappeared(not sure why sending your kid out in the world without college is a great idea?). Day of the wedding I was slightly nervous, he played hardball trying to get me to run away and leave her at the alter. That didn't happen and it was the beginning of the end for his and my relationship. Three years later we moved as far away as possible from his insanity. While it was a great move for opportunities the biggest motivation was getting away from him. Next week is our 43rd anniversary and my wife is still the awesome, kind, loving human being I've loved most of my life.

When I first started reading your reply I though you might have been the wife with a father that did not approve of marriage but either way I don’t understand how a parent could be anything but supportive of their children.

[Major Tom]

Often, when there is an article about a particularly old person, they are asked what they think are the keys to a long life. Typically, they'll answer with the habits and routines they themselves have adopted, giving answers such as, "A gin and tonic every day, bingo every week, and don't take yourself too seriously!". Maybe they were actually doing things that helped their longevity, but I'm inclined to think that much of it was not of their own conscious doing.

Similarly, with successful long-term relationships, I tend to think that we are less responsible for their success (or otherwise) than we'd want to admit. Certainly, some shared interests, and being selfless, a good listener, etc etc, are helpful attributes and behaviors but, for many of us, they are traits we already possess, (or do not). On top of that, there are so many other variables that determine whether or not a relationship will succeed in the long term, I don't think we should pat ourselves on the back too much if we've been in a good relationship for a long time, or beat ourselves up too much if we haven't.

Also, what if your relationship was fantastic for 5 years, pretty crummy for a year, and then fizzled out? Would you call that a successful relationship? As long as the pain at the end wasn't too severe and didn't go on for too long, I'd say it sounds like it was worth it.

I have been in a very good relationship with all 3 of my cats for about 6 years now. I feed 'em whenever they want, sit next to my blind kitty on the sofa every evening and pet her when I watch TV, and the youngest one sleeps on top of me every night. I'd say this is all a very good thing

[1242Vintage]

My bride and I have been married 32 years. We dated for 5 years before that as we went through college.

For us a happy marriage comes down to respect, good communication and a solid understanding of our roles and responsibilities as husband and wife. When I was growing up my father, as many are, was a great role model. As a young boy growing up my Dad schooled me in what we refer to now as the “man rules”. Truthfulness and honesty even when it hurts, looking someone in the eye when conversing, always saying yes sir or no Ma’am to your elders, opening the car door and other simple gestures, always paying when you are out as a couple, charity and responsibilities for helping others in need, and other things that show respect and caring for your partner and others. My wife had similar relationship role models when she was growing up and hopefully our relationship and model will inform the lifestyle and choices that our three adult children make as they transition into adulthood and begin to make their choices on life partners and family.

During the last couple of years since the kids have all graduated from college, moved out and are starting their professional careers and families, it feels like the clock has been turned back for my bride and I to those first five years when we were dating. It’s a honeymoon all over again!

Living the dream.

[ugeauxgirl]

16 years for us- sometimes we meet for lunch in town and laugh at how different we look during work hours- me in a business suit and heels, he in dirty ripped work clothing. He works in the woods and his clothing is frequently torn by brush. After 5 we are both in tees and shorts.

We come from dissimilar backgrounds and are from 2 different generations (he is the last of the boomers, and i am Gen x) and both of these things have caused occasional disagreements and difficulty seeing the others' point of view, but it works. Our values are the same and we are on the same page re spending and saving. Some of my girlfriends joke about how their husbands act like little boys. I would never say this. My husband is responsible and a good man. I am lucky to have him, and I think he thinks the same about me!

[Rustic23]

51 years this August. All of the happy, and it is the best financial decision I have ever made!

[Gumby]

34 years. We met at a "mixer" at her college and married 4 years later. Sometimes I think one of the secrets to our longevity is that we mostly did not live together for the first 2 years of our marriage. I was in the Navy and deployed most of that time. When you deploy on a submarine, you are out of contact with the rest of the world until you get back months later. No calls, no emails, no letters. In fact, I came home from a 6 month deployment the day before our wedding, spent a week on honeymoon and then went back out for another 4 months. She moved in with my roommate, Harry, for a few months, then went out to Bremerton alone to rent an apartment for us. The fact that we survived those first few years of challenge has stood us in good stead ever since.

[Teacher Terry]

MRG, I think once someone marries the expectation that a parent will pay for college goes away. At that point you are making adult decisions and deciding to support yourself and your spouse.

[Breedlove]

We were HS sweethearts , kind of silly how we met I was a senior she was a junior . We had an Easter program at our school and I paid a guy 1.50 if I could sit beside my wife. You see we were from two different HS but went to the same Vocational school . The word was out the girls from her HS were fun !
After the Easter program we were able to go home so I asked if I could take her home . She said yes . Three years later she said yes again , we went to college together , moved all over the east coast and to Texas together . It was not all perfect but together we have made 45 years last June .
Asked DW what she thinks has made our marriage work , no jealousy's and being able to deal with financial problems . Constantly trying new things , when we go on vacation if we see a hole in the wall we go check it out . We could write a book about experiences that people would probably gasp and some would just laugh . But it is our life and our marriage . We will be married to the end of our time, to find a wife as mine is my lifelong dream.

[brett]

I suspect that the very worst thing is to get married thinking that you will change the other person into someone else. It seldom happens and seems to be very much of a false hope. We have seen a few people do this. It eventually ended in tears and heartache in all instances.

We had significant differences in religion, politics,etc. when we married. Neither of us tried for a minute to change the other. We simply respected their views, position, etc. We always thought that it would be very boring if we agreed on everything and left no room for discussion thought.

[MRG]

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry MRG, I think once someone marries the expectation that a parent will pay for college goes away. At that point you are making adult decisions and deciding to support yourself and your spouse.

I didn't explain it well. We talked about going to college as he'd promised. In order for him to pay I had to break things off and agree to never see her again. Seriously? You can't manipulate people and tell them who they love.

He constantly badgered me about marrying her, what a huge mistake I'd made. The behavior only ended with his death.

[HFWR]

https://youtu.be/vieQAhuqyl0

[Teacher Terry]

MRG, I totally get it now. If I didn't like one of my kids partners I kept it to myself because the more you object the more they want the person. Besides it is not my business to pick my kids partners. No wonder you had a terrible relationship with your father. Way too controlling.

[Bestwifeever]

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Originally Posted by Major Tom ... I don't think we should pat ourselves on the back too much if we've been in a good relationship for a long time, or beat ourselves up too much if we haven't....

Yes. And timing is everything.