How do you deal with the down side of life?

[HFWR]

Do we need to ask your ex-spouse?

Yeah, if you want her side of the story...

 

[freebird5825]

Yes, that was my experience. Sometimes you need somebody outside your "sphere" that can view your situation as an observer - not clouded by any previous knowledge of you, your family, your friends, and your situation.

Like you, it took three sessions to "get my thinking straight" at the time...

Exactly so. An observer can listen, note the highest stressors and your reaction to them, and give you IDEAS (not commands) to try to change or lessen your negative reactions to them.
My grief counselor told me that my self-awareness was probably the biggest advantage I had to recovering from loss. In other words, my own understanding of what was making me feel down (besides the obvious) was the identifying part of recovery. Facing my issues head on and looking for solutions made all the difference.
I actually returned to counseling a few years later. I have referred to having a "life coach" in posts early last year. I was there not for grief counseling, but to get feedback on my life direction. I had some very serious choices to make. Having a professional sounding board, without any biased judgement, was invaluable.


PS My life coach heartily approved of having Mr B in my life. She was right about that.

 

[brewer12345]

Another great way to deal with the downs of life is writing . I wrote journals when I was grieving and they really did help me get my feelings out especially the anger .

I tried writing in the past, but all it makes me do is stew. Now I have a journal of toxic rage mixed with observations of my kids as they grow, so while I would like to get rid of it I cannot part with the stuff about the kids. Will pass on that one in the future.

 

[Khan]

Am I the only one who was happier after the divorce?

In the long run, yes I was.

 

[Nords]

Now I have a journal of toxic rage mixed with observations of my kids as they grow...

The technical term is "blog", and if you strike the right nerves then AOL will buy it for hundreds of millions of dollars!

 

[Moemg]

Am I the only one who was happier after the divorce?

No , add me to the list !

 

[Westernskies]

No , add me to the list !

....and me as well.

 

[retire@40]

After years of asking myself "why me?" I finally figured out I should have been saying "why not me?"

I sucked it up, decided to leave the past in the past, and just focused on "today" with nothing but optimism about the future. So I stopped worrying about anything I could not control or try to fix. When I get a flat tire, I say "At least the engine still works." When the market crashed and I lost a fortune I told myself I still had enough saved to put food on the table for me and my family for the next decade or two. Happily the market recovered sooner than I could have imagined. When family, friends, pets get sick or die, that when it really sucks---I speak from lots of experince. Although you can never really recover from those situations like you can from a flat tire, my philosophy is "that's life." Sickness and death happen. If sadness and crying could prevent it, I'd be sad and crying every day. It doesn't. Emotions are part of living, but also is having the strength to let go.

No matter how good or bad each day is, I figure in the end we're all dead anyway, so what's the use of getting depressed or worried.

 

[donheff]

I appreciate the explanation. That said, the only anti-depressants I would consider is steel-jacketed ones. The overuse of these things is part of what is wrong with the pharma industry and our medical system, IMO.

SSRIs are probably way over prescribed but it is just when you start seriously considering steel jacketed answers that anti-depressants are probably really called for. For many people they can kick start us out of a prolonged lassitude and don't need to be viewed as a permanent solution.

 

[antmary]

There is situational depression which is helped by counseling, life-style changes, etc.

Then, there is depression that is caused by chemical changes in the body, for whatever reason - and, I believe that chronic, toxic stress has a huge impact on our body chemistry. Seeing a physician or other qualified health-care practitioner is indicated. Treatment may include counseling, medication, exercise, eating well, etc. I think that the magic pill is to take personal responsibility for choosing a path that works for you. And, I don't think that any person should have to feel ashamed for choosing medication.

Every person has his/her individual pathway toward wholeness and healing. For me, an anti-depressant was a life-saver during a very stressful time in my life. That, as well as good counseling helped me to re-gain traction in my life.

I cannot tell you that you should follow what works for me. At the most, I can share knowledge of the available resources that I have gleaned throughout life.

I wish you success in whatever path you choose

 

[Sue J]

I suppose that I am not a fundamentally happy person, given life and choices to date. However, lately there has been a collection of bad outcomes (major illness for DW's and my dads, work turning very toxic in a short time, one dog dying another on a short timeline, etc.) and I would greatly appreciate hearing how others deal with tough times in their lives. I am not a terribly religious personfor all that I went to a Catholic high school and was confirmed, and seeking solace in liquid form is not a long term solution. I am also not real interested in counseling. What else does one do? How do you make peace with things when life turns into one big sh!t sandwich?

Brewer, I'm sorry you're going through so much all at the same time.

I grew up with a mom who had severe depression all of her life. I saw her so deeply overcome in her depression that she was practically catatonic for months at a time. Yet I have always been fundamentally happy and optimistic to a degree that it's probably a form of denial, if that makes any sense.

I have found for me that when things all pile on at once, when stress gets high, when it starts to look like the sandwich you describe, I need to look inward rather than seek others' counsel and advice.

This may sound silly but I find that when I need to work something out I need to do it alone and I need to talk to myself out loud. I go somewhere where no one can hear me and I talk out the situation, analyze the pros and cons and possible tactics and solutions. Sometimes I just vent.

The constructive part of this is that you have to also LISTEN to what you are saying. When I listen to what I'm saying when no one can hear me but ME, I can understand my gut and my heart.

This has helped me understand my own feelings many times. Sometimes a solution comes out of it, sometimes I just get a perspective on what my priorities really are. I can see clearly the things that I have no control over and have to accept, and the things I can act on.

 

[bright eyed]

Dangermouse, I'm sorry for your loss(es). I hope you have a good support network around you!

If you find yourself mostly on the sad side - consider your brain to function like a muscle - you have to "train" the happy side - the sad side is stronger right now, but with the right intention and focus you can bring up the other side.

Another nice easy thing to try is a gratitude journal - I know it can sound cheesy - but it is simple and works. You write down 10 things you are grateful for every day and don't repeat anything twice. After 10 days you have 100 things you are grateful for and so on. I've done this with my kids because I want to train them to see the positive...some of us weren't given that training or are just inclined to see the negative due to personality or whatnot.

Also, given I'm in the pits lately too - just take each day as it comes. I just tell myself, "i can get through today" - it helps alleviate the stress of all the yesterdays and tomorrows...

 

[Amethyst]

I find it helps me if there is someone else who's also having troubles, and I can do something to help them (even if it's just talking to them about their troubles instead of mine). For some reason, it makes me feel better to help somebody else.

Amethyst

 

[GregLee]

Some people get depressed and some don't. I think it's just an inherent characteristic of individuals. It's natural for those of us who tend not to get depressed -- I'm one -- to think it's the result of a habit of thought or an approach to life, but I really don't think that's it. Those of us with sunny dispositions can sometimes find an objective basis to rationalize our happiness, and those with gloomy dispositions may find ways to rationalize their sadness. But actually, we're just different.

 

[brewer12345]

Some people get depressed and some don't. I think it's just an inherent characteristic of individuals. It's natural for those of us who tend not to get depressed -- I'm one -- to think it's the result of a habit of thought or an approach to life, but I really don't think that's it. Those of us with sunny dispositions can sometimes find an objective basis to rationalize our happiness, and those with gloomy dispositions may find ways to rationalize their sadness. But actually, we're just different.

Most likely true. The hardest part is to be able to coldly, unemotionally examine one's situation and conclude that things are objectively not as bad as they seem yet still not be able to escape the emotional funk.