How do you define a date?

[kaudrey]

I'm with Cycling Investor. I'm reading this and wondering - who are your friends that this is a problem? I am 37 and female. I'm divorced, and have lots of married friends; we have no problem staying in touch and doing things together. Both myself and my current SO have friends of the opposite sex that we do things with. And when I was not dating anyone, my male friends didn't all of a sudden think I wanted to date them, and I didn't think about turning male friends into future husbands.

I've just never gotten the whole "can't be friends with the opposite sex" thing. I would have lost out on a lot of wonderful relationships and experiences if I thought that way.

And if a male friend asks if I want to go to a movie (even when I wasn't dating my current SO), I wouldn't think of it as a date. Why would I? He's just a friend!

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazy connie [crazy connie -- How would I find gay women? I can just imagine: "Hi, I'm a divorced guy looking for female friends...are you gay?" LOL. Once you figure out what works... Let me know as I am looking for more friends that have time as I do.

You guys need to spend more time researching on Craigslist... although it's not the destination, it's the journey!

[Caroline]

What Kaudrey said...

My best friend in the world is a man -- we have breakfast together probably once every couple of weeks, take in a movie once a month, and have done so for 20 years or more. This has never been an issue with his SO, and my Sweetie likes him very much and they do things together without us girls.

I'm also friends with my ex. His new wife invites me to their events, and we all have a great time together. I went over a few weeks ago and helped them pull up their tile floor -- we had dinner afterwards -- his treat -- and laughed our heads off. I have male friends from work as well -- and some of these "trench buddies" have remained friends after we've moved to other jobs. Never been an issue.

That said, I have to add that these are just regular guys. I can see some gorgeous, incredible hunk with a multi-million dollar portfolio and a genius IQ having to beat women away from him with a stick -- does this describe YOU, 521?

If not, I'd suggest that you stop worrying about this and start having some fun. You can certainly warn women in advance that you're not available if you want to. The kind ones hold their laughter until you've left the room. But really, unless you're George Clooney, or unless you overtly lead your women friends on, how many broken hearts and ruined lives are you actually expecting to leave in your wake?

I don't mean to be unkind here, but warning another person away from a deeper relationship with you, before that person has expressed such in interest, is simply not good manners.

If you cannot stop worrying, I'd suggest you look for some truly unavailable women -- women who could never be romantically interested in you. If your "peer group" can't keep their scheming mitts off you, then maybe you need to look elsewhere. You could make friends with women who are quite a bit older than you, or those who are independently wealthy and have no interest in you apart from your character and personality. You might find a world of truly interesting, friendly, and enjoyable women out there, once you get past the idea that they all want to jump your bones and / or rope you up and drag you down the aisle.

[flipstress]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroline ...warning another person away from a deeper relationship with you, before that person has expressed such in interest, is simply not good manners.

This is so true. It's good to not assume anything unless...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroline unless you're George Clooney...

Ahhh, George Clooney

Caroline's advice is so right on! Go forth into the world of interesting (but uninterested) women!

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SecondCor521 Also, I have not seen much success around me of divorced people who wish to remain divorced maintaining relationships with married couples.

You may find this to not always be the case. DW and I have several long time friends (both sexes) who were our friends before they married, got divorced and want to stay single, and are still friends.

[haha]

I have to agree with Caroline and Flipstress. As men, our main problem with women is rarely that we are too charming- more likely it is remembering not to pick our noses in public.

Re: George Clooney- can this guy be beat? Is it even possible? What humility, what aw-shucksness, what a modestly self-deprecating smile.

We men should buy his movies and practice a little each night.

Ha

[crazy connie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords You guys need to spend more time researching on Craigslist... although it's not the destination, it's the journey!

Nords,
I looked there and went OMG are folks really that decadent? I enjoy my life with or without a partner in crime. Craigslist dating adventures are not something I would persue. Just an old fashioned gal looking for friends the old fashioned ways. Checking the produce dept, friends of friends and group activities will work or maybe not. Life is full and frosting on the cake would be nice but the cake is just fine without any.

[HFWR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroline jump your bones and / or rope you up and drag you down the aisle.

They can jump my bones, and/or rope me up, but no dragging down the aisle allowed...

[SecondCor521]

Thanks to all for your replies. I am at work right now so will just respond to the questions posed; please know that I am reading all the replies with interest.

"They know your divorced status, right?" - yes, they do in general, flipstress. I guess I worry too much about the "bad" cases where I say I'm not interested and they're either disappointed because they were interested in me or offended because I implied they were interested in me when in fact they weren't.

"Are there some single mom's that go to school with your kids that need a pal?" - probably, shiny. But I do worry about them being on the prowl.

"Why are you looking for a female "friend"? Do you need someone to take places that you need a "date"?" Outtahere, I generally prefer female friendships. I attribute this partially to growing up in a home with two older sisters and a SAHM with a Dad who worked and was gone a lot. In general I don't need a "date" -- I am happy to go "stag" to any social occasion. Like I said, I just enjoy the company of women in general; with the recent divorce experience though, I just am extremely cynical, distrustful, and afraid of a serious relationship.

"Why not just concentrate on sports, guys who like to play whatever games or videogames that you enjoy, and whatever group or church based volunteer activities you might like, as suggested by Brewer?" HaHa, I thought about this suggestion some more. Quite frankly, I prefer 1-on-1 conversations rather than group settings, but I know there are tradeoffs in life and this may be one I need to make. Your dance club suggestion is a good idea. I'd like to take dancing or cooking classes as those are two things I could certainly be better at. Bridge clubs and book clubs are also a good idea.

"How old are you?" I am 37, dex.

crazy connie, yes, you got me to laugh. (shiny, you also got me with the vision of my rats in harnesses!)

"who are your friends that this is a problem?" Kaudrey, maybe I travel in the wrong circles of women or am misinterpreting their signals, but (a) a lady in my church divorce support group, (b) a girl I knew from high school, (c) a female coworker, and (d) a realtor I met when I bought my house. They have all said or done things that I think are beyond just being friendly/polite.

"Why would I?" Maybe he wanted you to think of it as a date, I dunno. But I guess overall I'd like to figure out a way to respectfully and kindly find out if a girl is like you or a "prowler".

"That said, I have to add that these are just regular guys. I can see some gorgeous, incredible hunk with a multi-million dollar portfolio and a genius IQ having to beat women away from him with a stick -- does this describe YOU, 521?" Geez, Caroline, you're asking me to rate myself?!? ;-) I'm certainly not a hunk, I don't have a multi-million dollar portfolio, or a genius IQ. But without hopefully sounding too full of myself, I'm not bad in most departments (looks) and am above average in several (basic manners/politeness, education, net worth, IQ, willingness to help out with kids/house). Of course I am below average in several also (dancing ability, overweight at the moment).

'But really, unless you're George Clooney, or unless you overtly lead your women friends on, how many broken hearts and ruined lives are you actually expecting to leave in your wake?" I'm no George Clooney (I'm straight but even I think he's good looking ;-), certainly, but I'd prefer to leave none at all.

"I don't mean to be unkind here, but warning another person away from a deeper relationship with you, before that person has expressed such in interest, is simply not good manners." Good point. I think part of the problem is that I missed most of the high school and college dating scene, so I am assuming that the women I meet will not be blunt/forthright/plainspoken about their wants/needs/interests and that I'll have to guess. Some women are that way, I think, but maybe I should stay away from them regardless.

2Cor521

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazy connie OMG are folks really that decadent?

I sure hope so... especially the pictures!

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flipstress Ahhh, George Clooney

apparently, flipstress, you didn't know george is into rough sex. or perhaps you did.

i could never befriend someone who i am sexually attracted to but who won't play with me that way. my biology would force me to be extra nice for no good reason at all. nor would i ever take advantage of someone who wants me but who i am not interested in having. too much loss of autonomy. if there's going to be a loss of balance, it's only going to occur in bed. that way, no one gets hurt.

[flipstress]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum apparently, flipstress, you didn't know george is into rough sex. or perhaps you did.

No, I did not know that--new info for me. He's still very good-looking and is someone to admire that way.

In real life, I would worry if I had a boyfriend as good-looking as George Clooney--most everybody would want him.

I like Jeff Bridges more anyway. He seems warmer and funnier.

I really don't know much about these actors. I just watch them in films.

[shiny]

One quick idea before I'm on the road for the holidays... You could join weight watchers. My sister was in it and made friends and its mostly women. Just an idea!

[SecondCor521]

shiny,

Excellent idea, thank you!

To all, thanks again for your input and ideas and comments...I really appreciate them!

2Cor521