Internet dating advice wanted/needed

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

To me, the "financially responsible" phrase would be reassuring. It says I have control over my finances, am not a spendthrift, LBMM, etc. I'd like it even better if I saw "financially comfortable and responsible."

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

such fuss over finance. one of the things i like about gay online ads is that we get sexual compatibility issues resolved pronto. if it is not going to work in bed then chances are, at best, we can be friends but not lovers. best to face that upfront. of course you could partner if both parties are not very sexually active, or if monogamy is not an issue. but if there are trust issues, or sexual feelings are unrequited, you might as well kiss that relationship goodbye before you offer it a handshake hello.

it's not like we are in our 20s and experimenting to find ourselves. we pretty much know what we like and don't like by now.

while i tend to be rather practical about my love nature, i do realize that most would consider it unladylike to state in your ad your sexual preferences (it's not just a str8 or gay thing, there's actually lots of variety within each catagory), but lets face it, that sure would save a buck or two on coffee.

yet most str8 ads i've read tend to avoid such intimate detail. i wonder if that accounts for the high divorce rate. for me, more important than bank is bed. why bother to physically make contact with someone & invest all that time & emotion & effort to create an eventually physically intimate relationship if there will then be only incompatiblity in the most intimate of physical spaces.

not that i've ever had to settle at all, as i've lucked out and had relationships with the most amazing guys (in & out of bed), but if i did have to settle on someone i'm bringing into bed, in the bed would not be where i'd compromise.

a handshake or a peck on the cheek is for a good & loyal friend but a kiss is reserved for passion.

 

[haha]

To me, the "financially responsible" phrase would be reassuring. It says I have control over my finances, am not a spendthrift, LBMM, etc. I'd like it even better if I saw "financially comfortable and responsible."

Sure. This would also be good news for any con men or even burglers who just might troll the ads.

Ha

 

[dex]

This is a great topic for me as I was thinking about trying the internet dating thing and posting a profile to get others advise on writing it.

I wonder how being 53, retired and all the traveling I do would be viewed by women?

It is very encouraging that people have found their significant other with internet dating.
--------------
PS - I've changed my avatar - I don't look like that - no hair - but I feel like it.

 

[haha]

All of my dates could not understand why I don't drink, not even one! they could not get over my liberal views, and one of them wanted to tie me up later (s&m freak).

Hey, I am agnostic on drinking and liberalism- but tying you up sounds nice. And I've never even done it before! We could use black silk stockings, or maybe even a nice sari?

Ha

 

[haha]

I've met a number of this board's posters and the reality never matches the image you've built from reading their posts.

(However I'm also really glad that I've met each & every one of you guys!)

I have met two women from this board, not for romance but for fun and conversation. Both are outtasight, and even better than what I expected.

High class mamas around here.

ha

 

[Zoocat]

such fuss over finance. one of the things i like about gay online ads is that we get sexual compatibility issues resolved pronto.
yet most str8 ads i've read tend to avoid such intimate detail. i wonder if that accounts for the high divorce rate. for me, more important than bank is bed. why bother to physically make contact with someone & invest all that time & emotion & effort to create an eventually physically intimate relationship if there will then be only incompatiblity in the most intimate of physical spaces.
.

Lazy, I think we're looking at this from completely different perspectives, i.e. male vs female. Making person to person contact, with face to face conversation, is really the only way that I could tell for certain if I'd want to have anything sexual to do with a man. It's not a matter of knowing what sort of sexual mechanics a person prefers. Women are emotional creatures. Men, as I understand them, rely on their visual perceptions and the picture is the big ticket. Too bad because pictures lie and a person, in the flesh, is often much more attractive than a picture can portray.

Also, about the high divorce rate -- I have my opinions but I'd have to start another thread.

 

[Shawn]

I'm not one of those women with a "shopping list" but there are a few deal breakers. Since I'm on this forum it's no surprise that one of them is financial responsibility. I wonder if I should mention that in my profile? How about if I write, "I value financial responsibility and hope that my partner will be prepared for retirement, as I am."

I like how you phrase this, and would keep it in (not remove it as you suggest in a later post). The "as I am" indicates that this is the way you are, and hence it is perfectly reasonable to expect the same from a potential partner. I think the statement clearly implies independence, and not "gold-digging". This comes across positive to me.

 

[Martha]

I wonder how being 53, retired and all the traveling I do would be viewed by women?

Very desirable.

 

[HFWR]

Hey, I am agnostic on drinking and liberalism- but tying you up sounds nice. And I've never even done it before! We could use black silk stockings, or maybe even a nice sari?

Ha

You're gonna be sari you said that...

 

[Zoocat]

Very desirable.

Ditto.

 

[Orchidflower]

I didn't read thru the thread due to time constraints right now, but I have done this once. LOTS of players out there. LOTS, so be on your toes for the creepy married guys pretending to be single, the guys looking for someone to support them and the guys pining over their dead wives who really just want a shoulder (and something else) to cry on. Those guys do alot of personals.
HOWEVER:
There were some wonderful, sincere guys I met the one time I did it, tho. And an amazing number of well educated, financially secure guys looking at the personals, also.
I had one guy who is a nationally known therapist who has written numerous books, one guy that is a writer and had a book on the NY Times Best Seller List for a year, an old Washington Senators baseball guy, etc. etc. And I just did this for like 6 weeks or less!
It just takes oodles of time to kiss all the frogs is all, and you will cull thru alot of toads before you find Mr. Adequate. Do NOT get discouraged as he IS out there. Be patient with your choosing someone and take your 'ole sweet time about it.
If I were looking for a sincere relationship instead of just looking for a fun relationship like before, I would take it very slow and really, really listen to my gut. It never steers you wrong.
Good luck! I'd love to know how lucky or unlucky you get ultimately. Some of us need hope!

P.S. You might talk with Want2retire as she met her beau, Frank, thru the personals. So, it does work at times...and sticks. All the best!

 

[unclemick]

Missoula gender persona, bib overalls, old pickup, old smelly golden retiever and every intention of staying single - I lasted a tad over a year. Never made it as far as the internet.

heh heh heh - The New Orleans lady at one of my 1970's/1980's watering holes sold the bar to her granddaughter and retired. Somehow I showed up on the target radar. .

I.E. Sometimes you are got before you know yer got.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Lazy, I think we're looking at this from completely different perspectives, i.e. male vs female. Making person to person contact, with face to face conversation, is really the only way that I could tell for certain if I'd want to have anything sexual to do with a man. It's not a matter of knowing what sort of sexual mechanics a person prefers. Women are emotional creatures. Men, as I understand them, rely on their visual perceptions and the picture is the big ticket. Too bad because pictures lie and a person, in the flesh, is often much more attractive than a picture can portray.

in other words, if someone described themselves in an online ad as having one eye on their forehead while the other eye has dropped down to their chin. their left ear is cauliflowered and their right ear has a hand growing out of it, their nostrils constantly dripping, you would require meeting in person to know if there was any sexual attraction.

apparently you missed my frog thread. even the miracle of birth is not so pretty. regardless of how much you emotionally love that baby popping out of there, it's membrane, it's blood, it's gross.

sexual attraction is not just physical, not just emotional. not just intellectual. it is passion; it is animal. my best friend had both men & women swooning over him and he was quite actually a hollywood heart-throb for many years of his prime. but that didn't do anything sexually for me and so we became not partners but best friends.

sight attracts but does not seal the deal. nor do emotions equate sexual satisfaction.

i do agree however that often people are more attractive in person than they are in photos. not everyone is quite so photogenic. i would remind, however, that just like photos can lie, so can a person, in person and often just as easily as they do online, especially when they themselves have been fooled by their own self-deception.

 

[Martha]

Missoula gender persona, bib overalls, old pickup, old smelly golden retiever and every intention of staying single - I lasted a tad over a year. Never made it as far as the internet.

heh heh heh - The New Orleans lady at one of my 1970's/1980's watering holes sold the bar to her granddaughter and retired. Somehow I showed up on the target radar. .

I.E. Sometimes you are got before you know yer got.

So, are congratulations in order?

 

[unclemick]

So, are congratulations in order?

Nah - we are just shacked up like my previous SO - which probably won't be 29 yrs this time - still betting on 84.6 not 93.

heh heh heh -

 

[ls99]

Just to throw in another angle. I was single 'till past 50, then was "got", to steal unclemick's line.
For the first 30 yrs or so, the very things that women found attractive about me, were the same things they ultimately came to resent (putting it mildly), and attempted to change.
. i.e. lots of travel to interesting, fascinatingly rugged and dangerous places, work that was well off the beaten path, highly independent, and so forth.

 

[Zoocat]

in other words, if someone described themselves in an online ad as having one eye on their forehead while the other eye has dropped down to their chin. their left ear is cauliflowered and their right ear has a hand growing out of it, their nostrils constantly dripping, you would require meeting in person to know if there was any sexual attraction.

apparently you missed my frog thread. even the miracle of birth is not so pretty. regardless of how much you emotionally love that baby popping out of there, it's membrane, it's blood, it's gross.

sexual attraction is not just physical, not just emotional. not just intellectual. it is passion; it is animal. my best friend had both men & women swooning over him and he was quite actually a hollywood heart-throb for many years of his prime. but that didn't do anything sexually for me and so we became not partners but best friends.

sight attracts but does not seal the deal. nor do emotions equate sexual satisfaction.

i do agree however that often people are more attractive in person than they are in photos. not everyone is quite so photogenic. i would remind, however, that just like photos can lie, so can a person, in person and often just as easily as they do online, especially when they themselves have been fooled by their own self-deception.

How could I argue with any of this? Kudos, Lazy, ya got it all figured out!

 

[Martha]

Nah - we are just shacked up like my previous SO - which probably won't be 29 yrs this time - still betting on 84.6 not 93.

heh heh heh -

Well, shacking up is worthy of congratulations!

 

[REWahoo]

heh heh heh - The New Orleans lady at one of my 1970's/1980's watering holes sold the bar to her granddaughter and retired. Somehow I showed up on the target radar.

Let me guess - she's a widow - originally from Norway...

 

[clifp]

One of the major disadvantages of me retiring early and moving to Hawaii, is my opportunities for meeting woman my age, (I meet lots of sweet 70+ old woman) is really limited. I've been pretty happy with online dating services, although I have been procrastinating about getting serious about using them again. I've met 3 serious girlfriends online, even if they have not turned into THE ONE

I think Shawn's advice was excellent. I think match.com is the best primarily because its the biggest. I personally hated the heavily promoted eharmony, but I know enough people that really liked it, that it maybe worth a shot of you get fed up with match.com. Eharmony is significantly different than the other sites because they do the searching for you as advertised. The free ones (with possible exception of yahoo) are worth what you pay for them.

I like your phrasing for financial responsibility, and lets face it LBYM for most people means "Beyond" your means not below. It is deal breaker for me also.

My experience is that generally the woman that I've enjoyed email/flirting with online I like best when I meet them face to face. However, there have been plenty of counter example, girls I've spent two months emailing and then found zero chemistry after meeting, or the opposite; exchanged an email or two meet a couple of days later and we hit it off. Good writers, like yourself, who are comfortable discussing things with strangers over the Internet, have advantage compared to most people on the Internet. Your writing can create an aura of mystery/excitement which can help spark interest when you meet face to face. So don't be in a huge hurry to meet face to face. On the other hand waiting too long is a waste of time and can great false expectations.

This is a personal fetish of mine but I HATE MEETING FOR COFFEE. Partly cause I am not much of a coffee guy, I don't care for hanging at Starbucks. But primarily, I think it sends out the message, "I am kinda of interested in you but not enough to committed to wasting a whole hour or more getting to know you." Ask him to lunch, dinner, a walk, the zoo, or if you have a shared activity, e.g. art museums, tennis, spots teams, attending lecture at the university do one of those things.

Finally, the whole etiquette about who pays is ridiculously complicated. However, if a girl ask me out I expect her to at least offer to pay. (The only one I let pay was a doctor in mangement.)

Of course, if I was really good at this dating business, I'd have three 25 year olds like Hugh Hefner

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

How could I argue with any of this? Kudos, Lazy, ya got it all figured out!

"sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded"~~fyodor dostoyevsky

"we all seek happiness, but turn our backs on it. we all wish to avoid misery, but race to collect its causes."~~shantideva's bodhisattvacharyavatara

"kneepads?"
"kinky!"~~dr. ruth

 

[simple girl]

I'm not one of those women with a "shopping list" but there are a few deal breakers. Since I'm on this forum it's no surprise that one of them is financial responsibility. I wonder if I should mention that in my profile? How about if I write, "I value financial responsibility and hope that my partner will be prepared for retirement, as I am."

Personally, I don't think this would make you look like a gold digger, but it does concern me that some guys may come after YOU for your money.

I do think it is important to say something about your values, though, regarding money management. Maybe something like you like to enjoy life, but you don't feel it's necessary to keep up with the "Jones". And that you'd appreciate a man who is as fiscally responsible as you are.

But hey, I haven't been in the dating game for 17 years now, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

[limpid lizard]

If you want to know about the internet dating sites, ask over on infidelity.com. For the most part the forums are populated with people that were cheated on and are starting over. The age range is form the 20's to infinity. Both gay and straight participate and never have I seen anyone treat anyone else badly.

One thing they will tell you is that particular sites garner different clientel depending on the area. One might be good on the east coast and a flop out west, but generally the locale a site is popular in is much smaller than that. And the different sites operating in a particular locale attract a different sort of person on each one.

I put up one profile on the free site mentioned earlier. It is the popular one in my neighborhood. I was quite specific about me and what I desired to find. I only put the profile up because I was pissed about sitting home. The idea of actually meeting anyone was simply scary. I was 54 at the time.

I never initiated contact with anyone, but I had quite a few contact me. Most I ruled out simply because they wanted to go out for a drink, and I had stated I was not overly interested in drinking or nightlife. Others similarily ignored what I had put in my profile. However, one lady contacted me, and we ended up writing back and forth for months about a common interest.

When we met, there was little chemistry. We both thought the other was intimidating. We continued to communicate about our common interest and met again. We have been dating not quite 18 months. We are very different, but value what we have in common. Integrity, independence, responsibilty, intelligence and kindness can be quite attractive.

When I think of my future, I make no plans that do not allow for her in it. For example, I am putting this house on the market soon. Last weekend I spotted the place I have dreamed about for 40 years. I could buy it and be okay financially, but to do so would put her in a bind. It is too far from her work, and should we partner, she could not handle it should something happen to me. So, I am passing. Where this will end, I have no idea, but it was very good for me to meet this woman. Annnnd, I did it on the freebie site.

Goodluck to you.

 

[flipstress]

Well, shacking up is worthy of congratulations!

Yes, congrats, unclemick, on being got and on getting!

And to oldbabe and others seeking someone, may you find someone good enough--I mean, no one will be perfect--someone who will be a good fit for you. Hmmm, not very poetic but good fit is where it's at!