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Old 06-09-2021, 03:44 PM   #21
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Almost every funeral announcement I have ever seen has said a cash donation in lieu of flowers would be appreciated.
Anywhere I have lived that means a donation to the favorite charity of the deceased, which is usually listed in the notice. Never saw one asking for a donation to the family.
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Old 06-09-2021, 03:44 PM   #22
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My spouse told me about a former friend who did a 'go fund me' page to raise money for a vacation to Iceland.

Part of the spiel was he always had lower paying jobs, spent time with his family....yata yata yata. Just like thousands of others.

No...he was not successful in raising the money.

These folks might try using some of the basic tricks, tools, and stories that televangelists and politicians use to raise money.
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Old 06-09-2021, 03:45 PM   #23
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Anywhere I have lived that means a donation to the favorite charity of the deceased, which is usually listed in the notice. Never saw one asking for a donation to the family.
^ This.
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Old 06-09-2021, 03:54 PM   #24
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Almost every funeral announcement I have ever seen has said a cash donation in lieu of flowers would be appreciated. I see nothing wrong with that. Seems many on this forum forget that most people don't have 6 figure jobs and 7 figure net worths and could use some help during big events from people who care about them and are able to help a little.
That's what the $10k cheap life insurance is for. Or a pine box & shovel in the country, at least in TX.
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Old 06-09-2021, 03:56 PM   #25
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That's what the $10k cheap life insurance is for. Or a pine box & shovel in the country, at least in TX.
Pine is getting pretty expensive....Shovel is a good thing to have though...


But seriously, my DD wanted to be buried in a Pine Box (military thing I guess)... Anyway, I made sure that happened when I made his funeral arrangements... That actually cost about 20% more than what I'd consider a normal casket... But, it was a really nice looking Pine Box...

And no, I didn't ask for funeral attendees to contribute... Never would have even consider it, then or now.
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Old 06-09-2021, 04:26 PM   #26
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I've never heard of this practice, either. On the other hand, it seems to be a likely - though tacky - next step after registering for gifts.
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Old 06-09-2021, 04:43 PM   #27
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Very strange. I would definitely pass on both events.
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Old 06-09-2021, 04:47 PM   #28
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I have never seen donations mentioned on a funeral announcement, but I have seen at least one where a friend of the family started a go fund me for medical and funeral expenses. The recipients in this case were a hard working young family who were hit hard by medical costs, inability to work due to the illness and funeral expenses.

I've seen wedding registries where donations to a honeymoon fund were listed along with other items. It wasn't on the invitation, but if people were asking about gifts, the honeymoon costs were an option. Many young couples aren't really interested in China sets or silverware, and would value the experience more than things.

Like most things, how the idea is presented matters. If it comes across as a demand (especially to people who aren't invited to a wedding!) that's bad, but if I'm planning to give a gift anyway, I'd rather give the couple what they want (but I tend to give money at weddings anyway).
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:02 PM   #29
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I live in the Midwest and we do include a memorial gift, usually $20, with the condolences card to close friends or family. The survivors then pool the memorial gifts and make a donation in the name of the deceased.

When my Mom passed a few years ago we received a few hundred dollars. We had decided on the charity so we included a note telling the name of the charity in the thank you card to the people who sent memorial gifts. This is all a very common practice around here.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:04 PM   #30
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^^^^ I have seen this nice tradition happen in Minnesota but didn’t know where the dollars went. I am not a native.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:10 PM   #31
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One of my patients with many medical problems died at the age of 2 years. The mother was distraught because she had no money for funeral expenses-she lived in the projects and barely had anything. The pediatric surgeon who had performed several surgeries and procedures during his lifetime and I got together and paid for his funeral costs.

Funerals are expensive. His mother never asked us for anything except our love and concern. We just did what is right.

My other colleagues and the nurses in the clinic knew nothing about it. They gaslighted me and got me fired the next year, mainly because I tried to get them to work just a little bit harder. I have not forgotten their mistreatment of me and the patients.

Just do what is right.

My niece included donation to a honeymoon fund in their registry. She just changed jobs and his job was gutted by Covid. The potential donation was included in the registry in a very kind and positive way. We will probably do that. Cash is always useful when one is just starting out.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:15 PM   #32
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One thing I remember, when my Granddad died back in 1990, is that a lot of relatives slipped cash in with the condolence cards they sent. I thought it was odd, but apparently it was a Southern thing? A lot of that side of the family was from North Carolina, and southern Virginia down below Lynchburg. We didn't ask for anything, but I think it was just some kind of custom, that family helped out with the burial, if they could.

When I had relatives from up North die, I don't remember any of that happening.

Funerals aren't cheap, though. I think Granddad's was around $5-6,000, back in 1990. When Grandmom finally went off to join him, in 2015, her funeral was around $9,000. Hers was more basic, though, and a much smaller crowd, as much of the family had died off, or moved away by then. And when my Dad died in 2017, I think his was about $5400. Dad's was very basic. Closed casket, fairly simple ceremony, just the very immediate family.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone trying to raise money to help pay for a funeral, just as long as they're not money-hungry leeches trying to make a big profit off of it.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:20 PM   #33
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The only thing I have seen is at funerals, in lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to XXXX charity. Other than that, for a wedding we would certainly bring an envelop if attending or send a wedding gift if a relative or close family friend and we were unable to attend. Normally there are registries that identify gifts the newly weds would need.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:43 PM   #34
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I live in the “Midwestern” part of Pennsylvania (I.e. close to the Ohio border). I live in a rural area where people don’t make a lot of money. The type of place where many, many people would not readily have the money for a funeral. Its not all that uncommon to see a request to help raise funds for the funeral. It’s not done by most, but I see it now and again. I’ve seen it enough to not be shocked by it.
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Old 06-09-2021, 05:55 PM   #35
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Absolutely. Donations in lieu of flowers = to a specified charity. Nobody needs expensive fresh flowers. Heck, nobody needs a coffin.

Your family is welcome to contribute whatever they wish, just as people are welcome to bring or send gifts to a wedding they're attending.

Asking for gifts and contributions for weddings and funerals is still tacky. (Personally I find wedding gift registries to be skating on the edge of tacky, such as one of a relative where the registry items were listed in order of "really want," "want," and "nice to have.")

It may be growing more common, but "common" has never been a compliment.


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Anywhere I have lived that means a donation to the favorite charity of the deceased, which is usually listed in the notice. Never saw one asking for a donation to the family.
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Old 06-09-2021, 06:09 PM   #36
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I have never seen donations mentioned on a funeral announcement, but I have seen at least one where a friend of the family started a go fund me for medical and funeral expenses. The recipients in this case were a hard working young family who were hit hard by medical costs, inability to work due to the illness and funeral expenses.

I've seen wedding registries where donations to a honeymoon fund were listed along with other items. It wasn't on the invitation, but if people were asking about gifts, the honeymoon costs were an option. Many young couples aren't really interested in China sets or silverware, and would value the experience more than things.

Like most things, how the idea is presented matters. If it comes across as a demand (especially to people who aren't invited to a wedding!) that's bad, but if I'm planning to give a gift anyway, I'd rather give the couple what they want (but I tend to give money at weddings anyway).
Agreed on all of this- I've seen honeymoon registries as an option for couples who have invited me to the wedding and for whom I want to buy a gift. Travel is a high priority of mine so I'm happy to give it as a gift.

I was raised in Ohio and live in the Kansas City area now and have never sent $$ with a sympathy card. Many times I've donated to a charity designated by the family, though.

The GoFundMe type appeals- I want this thing that I can't afford, or I made bad decisions so please bail me out- no. I'm more inclined to donate to people who just had a string of awful events beyond their control. Don't have a wedding or funeral you can't afford and then ask me for money.
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Old 06-09-2021, 06:12 PM   #37
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Times have changed. The popular method is to ask others to contribute to whatever the cause is.

As 2 posters mentioned, Go Fund Me is the modern tactic. For those that don't know, you open up a Go Fund Me account for any thing you want. You mention it on your social media accounts, and entice people to donate cash to your cause.

Want a German shepherd puppy? How about a vacation to Europe to relieve stress? You just open up an account, maybe you get nothing, you might get thousands. Having a tear-jerking story is mandatory to get maximum donations.

With the success of these accounts, the OP's experiences are not surprising. If you can get others to hand over the $, anything is worth a try, they believe.

A search of these Go Fund Me accounts will turn up some that sound legitimate, and many that are ludicrous. I have yet to donate to any.
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Old 06-09-2021, 06:27 PM   #38
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A friend started a GoFundMe when her doggie chewed up part of a rug and needed expensive surgery- the yarn fibers were all tangled in the dog's intestines and it would have died otherwise. Between GoFundMe and negotiating a discount with the vet (and not using a specialized veterinary surgeon which they should have according to a friend whose daughter is a vet), the dog had surgery and survived.

I do NOT donate to that one.
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Old 06-09-2021, 06:29 PM   #39
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My uncle passed away last January and while visiting my aunt, in the midwest, she seemed to begrudge they didn’t have a proper funeral/service and missed out at getting ‘donations.’

Struck me as odd at the time, since they are not native to the mid-west and live relatively well.

Personally, I’d never ask anyone for anything.

Strange customs.
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Old 06-09-2021, 11:01 PM   #40
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Go fund me.
I think you meant "go f* yourself".
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