Is this the Norm These Days?

[harley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by EastWest Gal One of my patients with many medical problems died at the age of 2 years. The mother was distraught because she had no money for funeral expenses-she lived in the projects and barely had anything. The pediatric surgeon who had performed several surgeries and procedures during his lifetime and I got together and paid for his funeral costs. Funerals are expensive. His mother never asked us for anything except our love and concern. We just did what is right. My other colleagues and the nurses in the clinic knew nothing about it. They gaslighted me and got me fired the next year, mainly because I tried to get them to work just a little bit harder. I have not forgotten their mistreatment of me and the patients. Just do what is right. My niece included donation to a honeymoon fund in their registry. She just changed jobs and his job was gutted by Covid. The potential donation was included in the registry in a very kind and positive way. We will probably do that. Cash is always useful when one is just starting out.

That's a totally different story. Someone in need is not a Yuppie (or whatever the heck they call that class of people these days) looking for a good time. I'd donate to your story in a heartbeat, but the OP and a lot of the others would get the ignore button.

[ponyboy]

Dont hate the player, hate the game.

[aaronc879]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Absolutely. Donations in lieu of flowers = to a specified charity. Nobody needs expensive fresh flowers. Heck, nobody needs a coffin. Your family is welcome to contribute whatever they wish, just as people are welcome to bring or send gifts to a wedding they're attending. Asking for gifts and contributions for weddings and funerals is still tacky. (Personally I find wedding gift registries to be skating on the edge of tacky, such as one of a relative where the registry items were listed in order of "really want," "want," and "nice to have.") It may be growing more common, but "common" has never been a compliment.

I think wedding registries are a genius idea. What's the alternative? Get a dozen of the same gift and have to return or re-gift most items. Why?

[jollystomper]

In my parents culture, it was common for the family to receive a small cash gift related to the funeral. It was more "word of mouth" and individual; choice, depending on the circumstances, than anything else. I remember my mother receiving monies when my father died back in 1994. In the culture it is less common today, but it still happens.

Paying for a raffle at a wedding, now that I never heard before. We did attend a wedding where they did raffle off things, but they were small gifts as a way of the families thanking/entertaining the guests, and you did not have to purchase tickets for it.

For us it is a no-brainer to give cash than to deal with wedding registries. We give relative generously and no one has ever complained. In fact we suspect we have been invited to a few weddings solely due to rumors about our gifting .

[Amethyst]

Now that you mention it, I grew up hearing that cash wasn't a polite gift, except to kids. Nobody ever explained why, except "it shows you didn't want to go to any trouble" or "it looks like you think they don't have their own money." In the end, I always thought it was a misguided type of etiquette. So you end up sending a beautiful-looking, costly basket of tasteless fruit or weird snacks [those ones that feature pickled herring, pate de foie gras, canned oysters, and other horrors].

Except for close relatives, and friends so close I knew just what gift they'd like, I would far rather have given people cash.

If you know people well enough to buy them the perfect gift, then great. If not, I say, give them enough money to buy something nice for themselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jollystomper For us it is a no-brainer to give cash than to deal with wedding registries. We give relative generously and no one has ever complained. In fact we suspect we have been invited to a few weddings solely due to rumors about our gifting .

[bclover]

The age of Gofundme.
Surprised the heck out of me at church. My pastor announced the death of someone and mentioned sending condolence cards then added..."put some butter between the bread". translation send a donation. WTH!!

When my old guy died I did ask in lieu of flowers please donate to the Leukemia and lymphoma society. I simply didn't want a house full of flowers.

[ExFlyBoy5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aaronc879 Almost every funeral announcement I have ever seen has said a cash donation in lieu of flowers would be appreciated. I see nothing wrong with that. Seems many on this forum forget that most people don't have 6 figure jobs and 7 figure net worths and could use some help during big events from people who care about them and are able to help a little.

I often see that they ask for donations to a cause that was important to the descendant, but I have never seen for a donation to a decedent's family.

[razztazz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ponyboy Dont hate the player, hate the game.

The player chooses to play. "The Devil" isn't making them do it.

[pacergal]

Have friends in California who had the "money dance" thing at both their girls weddings, and a friend of DH did that at their wedding 40 some years ago. Thought it was a bit tacky then, and still do. But just because they had it, doesn't mean we needed to participate.
Kids friends who have married/had babies all have had baby fund/honeyfund as part of gift registry, not part of invite!
I have given cash with a sympathy card for a co worker whose newborn died of rare cardiac issue. Despite insurance, had big medical bills.

[FIYes]

I think the “fund my honeymoon but you are not invited to the wedding “ wins the prize for the tackiest of these stories! Especially sending it out at work! That would seem like a very inappropriate use of work email. I did have a coworker who decided to be a foster parent in addition to her job. She was genuinely surprised that we didn’t throw a baby shower for her. Keep in mind the state pays to support the children. As expected, it didn’t last long and she quit being a foster parent. I feel for the children in this situation.

I see many go fund me requests on Facebook. Our nieces have set up a number of go fund me requests. It just seems wrong to me. One niece asked for money because she was moving to a new apartment. This same niece occasionally posts luxury items in case anyone wants to buy for her…not official go fund me, just asking. I just ignore these requests, but one of her friends called her out for it.

Most funerals around here do have a in lieu of flowers please donate to XYZ charity or your favorite charity. I think that is just fine. Typically I donate to the charity requested.

[braumeister]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FIYes I think the “fund my honeymoon but you are not invited to the wedding “ wins the prize for the tackiest of these stories!

I think I might respond in kind.

"You contribute to my fabulous vacation and I'll contribute the same amount to your honeymoon. Since they cancel out, let's call it a done deal."

[Sunset]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelB When my sister's husband passed away I was surprised to find cash in just about every condolences card. About half the cards were dropped off at the funeral home, the rest came by mail. The total easily surpassed $3k. This surprised me, but my sister said it was a common practice in the midwest. Even a card from the CEO of his employer, one of the top US banks, had a personalized note and $40 cash. So, cash at funerals is not uncommon in some parts of the country.

I've seen this a number of times.

This is also common in the Japanese community, even many generations later folks still do it here. Use of a check when mailing is acceptable and safer than cash.
There are a lot of "rules" about how to do it, but fortunately in the USA folks are more relaxed and any old condolence card will work fine.

All of this is unasked for whether needed or not.

When My father died a long time ago, I remember people bring LOTS of food, so Mom didn't have to cook or think about making dinners for many days. It helped a lot.

[mpeirce]

It's cultural in many cases.

In my and DW's family we never give cash at weddings. Never at funerals either.

BUT, there are many people from other cultural backgrounds that expect cash. All the Polish weddings I've been to did this. A nephew married an African woman and they had this same. Someone told me it's an Italian tradition too. I'm sure there are others.

My understanding was that the cash wasn't to pay for the wedding, but to help the couple get a start. Of course, money is fungible...


Funerals, never heard of that, but it wouldn't shock me.

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunset I've seen this a number of times. This is also common in the Japanese community, even many generations later folks still do it here. Use of a check when mailing is acceptable and safer than cash. There are a lot of "rules" about how to do it, but fortunately in the USA folks are more relaxed and any old condolence card will work fine. All of this is unasked for whether needed or not. When My father died a long time ago, I remember people bring LOTS of food, so Mom didn't have to cook or think about making dinners for many days. It helped a lot.

I'm originally from Japan, so I can attest to the Japanese tradition of money gifting for funerals and weddings. Their culture is, if it costs someone money, they want to give something back. For example, everyone brings something (not money, but some kind of small gifts) when they get invited to someone's house for dinner. If someone lets you stay at their house even for one night, you will bring the host a gift of some kind. If you give something to an acquaintance/friend, they'll give you something in return fairly promptly. (You may get some fruit, and you give a pie back, kind of thing.) Some people even follow some kind of etiquette/rules on how expensive a gift they're supposed to give back for wedding money gifts, funeral money gifts, etc (The return gift is supposed to be a percentage in cost of the original gift.) It's like, people there don't want to owe anybody anything or they don't want to inconvenience anyone, I don't know what the rationale is. I personally get exhausted thinking about it.

[tmm99]

Giving money for events is one thing, but asking for money? That is so tacky in my opinion. That said, I'm fine with wedding registries as nobody wants to get multiple toasters.

[Time2]

Not surprising to me that people want to get free money and will be tacky in getting it. With the electronic medium, they can do it in bulk without looking anyone in the face, and receive without having the icky feeling of putting there hand out to accept it.
If, it is not the norm yet, the more people that see it done, the more people that will do it.

[Amethyst]

I've read that "giri" is a Japanese word that connotes duty or obligation. Originally feudal, it is present today in the practice you've noted, that every gift or nice act needs to be reciprocated quickly, in kind or something of similar value.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giri_(Japanese)
"Giri may be seen in many different aspects of modern Japanese behavior. An example is Japanese gift-giving. It is marked by an unwritten but no less real perceived balance of "giri", whereupon unusually large gifts must be reciprocated."

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmm99 I'm originally from Japan, so I can attest to the Japanese tradition of money gifting for funerals and weddings. Their culture is, if it costs someone money, they want to give something back. For example, everyone brings something (not money, but some kind of small gifts) when they get invited to someone's house for dinner. If someone lets you stay at their house even for one night, you will bring the host a gift of some kind. If you give something to an acquaintance/friend, they'll give you something in return fairly promptly. (You may get some fruit, and you give a pie back, kind of thing.) Some people even follow some kind of etiquette/rules on how expensive a gift they're supposed to give back for wedding money gifts, funeral money gifts, etc (The return gift is supposed to be a percentage in cost of the original gift.) It's like, people there don't want to owe anybody anything or they don't want to inconvenience anyone, I don't know what the rationale is. I personally get exhausted thinking about it.

[ExPatKiwi]

Maybe something to consider for a divorce party...raffle and donations thanks.

[Koolau]

I was surprised to find out that placing cash or check in a card presented AT a funeral OR a check in a sympathy card MAILED TO the bereaved IS A QUITE COMMON CUSTOM in the Islands - and here is why:

Most funerals in Hawaii involve a catered meal AFTER the service. These affairs typically involve many different ethnic foods as Hawaiians are quite mixed in their backgrounds. Not only that, but we are not speaking of "tea and crumpets or a turkey sandwich-let. We are talking a full catered meal, with sit down service, soft drinks of several varieties, MASSIVE amounts as some of us (Hawaiians) can pack away the food at a dinner. I've heard that such a meal can cost the "family" $25 to $45 per head!

One of our closest friends passed quite young (only late 60s). He was a clergyman and was known not only by his large congregation but by business leaders, politicians, other area church leaders, etc. It was estimated that over 1000 people attended his memorial service and I would guess most of them attended the meal afterwords. Multiply 1000 folks by even $25 and you begin to see why most folks slip $20, $30, even $100 in their sympathy card. The widow would have been expected to cover the cost of the meal.

That's WAY more than most folks pay these days pay for an "average" mainland funeral (I have heard $8K to $10K for a "traditional" viewing, embalming, caskette, burial service, funeral cars - a two day affair in many cases.)

It's true that cremation is quite common in the Islands, saving much of the traditional costs BUT there are exceptions. Our best friend in the Island buried both her parents within 2 years. Costs were at least as high as on the mainland PLUS the meal. You can be assured DW and I enclosed $100 cash in our sympathy cards AND we helped by arranging flowers and decorations at the funeral chapel and also helped serve the meals.

It's simply a cultural difference that many malihini are unaware of. You would never see a solicitation for gifts, but it's understood by kama'aina that it is customary. YMMV

[RobbieB]

I would expect to pay for a Luau (minus the dancing girls) and would behave accordingly.

I gotta go visit Hawaii soon!