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08-20-2020, 02:53 PM
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#5281
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-21-2020, 06:03 PM
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#5282
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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A man named Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and took several pictures of his new purchase. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Tommy's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Tommy said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Tommy and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Tommy said, “I used the pictures and I raffled him off like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-21-2020, 06:07 PM
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#5283
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when a guy in police uniform sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was
allowed on the plane.
The Policeman explained that he was from the Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to defecate and urinate all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the
Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-22-2020, 08:39 AM
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#5284
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gone traveling
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: DFW
Posts: 7,586
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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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08-22-2020, 09:09 AM
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#5285
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-22-2020, 10:15 AM
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#5286
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-22-2020, 11:16 AM
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#5287
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 7,297
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True: Today we got a large fancy envelope in the mail. Within was an invitation for the Gal to attend a free informational meeting and meal - no selling! - at a local steakhouse. We were checking our schedule when Gal pointed out that an indoor dinner with people talking at us was more likely a cunning plan to drum up business for the host, who is selling what? smart cremations.
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"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
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08-22-2020, 11:35 AM
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#5288
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Tampa
Posts: 11,298
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy
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Yes it was balanced and funny.
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TGIM
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08-22-2020, 12:55 PM
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#5289
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-22-2020, 04:54 PM
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#5290
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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Grandpa goes to his barber to get a haircut and a shave.
"Hello Floyd. I need a haircut and also a shave. I can't seem to get a decent shave using my razor at home. I got all these creases in my cheeks"
"No problem Grandpa. I'll do you hair first" He then does Grandpas hair and then says, "Here, put this solid little rubber ball in you mouth. When I shave your right cheek, move the ball to you right cheek with your tongue. That will make you cheek stick out and I can shave all the hairs. Then, when I go to the other side, move the rubber ball over there."
"Okay Floyd, will do" After the shave, Grandpa felt his cheeks and chin and said, "Say, that's darn great Floyd. Best shave I've had in years. But let me ask you, what if I had swallowed that rubber ball?
"Oh no problem Grandpa, you could have brought it back the next day or so, same as the other fellers do"
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-23-2020, 08:29 AM
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#5291
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-23-2020, 08:30 AM
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#5292
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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When I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-23-2020, 08:32 AM
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#5293
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-23-2020, 03:28 PM
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#5294
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 128
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My new tshirt. Sadly this will be lots of non savers bucket list. 20200823_145949.jpeg
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08-24-2020, 08:51 AM
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#5295
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-24-2020, 08:54 AM
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#5296
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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Man walks up to the bartender and says "give me a Corona and 2 Hurricanes"
Bartender replies "That'll be $20.20"
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-24-2020, 12:17 PM
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#5297
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But please don't shove me either!"
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-24-2020, 12:20 PM
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#5298
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-25-2020, 06:57 AM
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#5299
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
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20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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08-25-2020, 02:56 PM
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#5300
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,929
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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