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02-11-2021, 09:13 AM
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#221
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Boise
Posts: 431
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Thanks again Car-Guy for the JOKES.
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02-11-2021, 10:05 AM
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#222
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: West of the Mississippi
Posts: 17,245
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 Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo
she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.  |
You are incorrigible. 
__________________
Comparison is the thief of joy
The worst decisions are usually made in times of anger and impatience.
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02-11-2021, 10:48 AM
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#223
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another about 3 minutes apart from each other, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my beautiful secretary, Miss Floyd?”
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
"Good, I'm convinced said the chairman. Now, it's up to YOU to fire her !
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 02:05 PM
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#224
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Crap?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 02:08 PM
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#225
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 02:10 PM
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#226
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
"That's right... The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes,' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 02:11 PM
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#227
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 02:15 PM
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#228
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,339
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Good neighbors:
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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02-11-2021, 04:16 PM
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#229
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1,048
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aerides
This is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time (it's a zoom gone wrong...)
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Love this one - had to share it with my attorney friends...
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02-11-2021, 04:36 PM
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#230
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Chicago
Posts: 259
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Car guy...thanks for putting so many smiles on our faces. You’ve definitely exceeded the requirements of “bringing joy to others”...[emoji16]
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02-11-2021, 05:14 PM
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#231
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Omaha
Posts: 79
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+1 CarGuy
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02-11-2021, 05:56 PM
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#232
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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^^^^^^
I appreciate all the positive comments (both public and PM's)... I'll try to keep them coming as long as my source keeps up with the newer stuff that I feel can be posted here.... As many as 50% don't pass my filters. So far the mods here have only deleted a couple that I have posted in the past 6 to 8 months so that's not too bad. 
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-11-2021, 06:11 PM
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#233
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 4,369
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__________________
The problem isn't artificial intelligence, it's natural stupidity.
You can't spend yourself to prosperity.
Semi-Retired 7/1/16: working part-time (60%) for now [4/24/17 changed to 80%]
Retired Aug 2, 2017; age 53
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02-12-2021, 10:42 AM
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#234
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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"You Can Be THE Man of Your House." Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he strode purposefully into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law'.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will put on soothing music, wash my back, and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your a-- cremated."
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-12-2021, 10:43 AM
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#235
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-12-2021, 10:51 AM
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#236
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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New Springsteen album line up since his DWI arrest last year!
Born to Rum
Blunder Road
Puking in the Street
Scorn in the USA
Blinded by the Bud Lite
Drinking in the Park
Rosé Liter
My Home Bar
Jungle Juice
Funnel of Love
__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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02-12-2021, 11:00 AM
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#237
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 490
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy
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+1
hahaha Car-Guy again! I want to say stop it but they're funny... keep it up! 
I need to learn how to be more frugal, invest more money towards ER, and join Car-Guy at posting very funny pics randomly throughout the day. It adds an extra smile!
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02-12-2021, 03:08 PM
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#238
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 8,368
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Memories of Africa trips:
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."
The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
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02-12-2021, 03:20 PM
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#239
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,339
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Managers:
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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02-12-2021, 04:12 PM
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#240
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10,925
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__________________
20's "something" mind, trapped in a 70's "something" body
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