It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Walt34]

Easy immunity:

[Car-Guy]

[Car-Guy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Car-Guy]

AIDS Warning!!


Senior citizens are the nation’s leading carriers of AIDS!
Hearing aids
Band aids
Roll aids
Walking aids
Medical aids
Government aids
Most of all, monetary aid to their kids

[ugeauxgirl]

Car Guy- you made me spit my coffee. Thanks for the laugh. And re the 1950s home ec book- my poor husband did not marry that woman [emoji1787]

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ugeauxgirl Car Guy- you made me spit my coffee. Thanks for the laugh. And re the 1950s home ec book- my poor husband did not marry that woman [emoji1787]

Glad I could give you a good laugh...


And trust me, I didn't marry such a woman either...

[RetireBy90]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Car-Guy Glad I could give you a good laugh... And trust me, I didn't marry such a woman either...

Sent to my brother and brother in law, suggested they share with the wives.

Great find.

[braumeister]

Just for the record, there is no proof that this was ever published anywhere.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/ho...e-a-good-wife/

[Walt34]

It's tough being a clown:

[Jeb-NY]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[Jeb-NY]

A lawyer boards a New York bound airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. He then asks the blonde flight attendant to take good care of them for him.

She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator freezer.

He rudely advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he is a lawyer. He also threatens her on what will happen if she lets them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, the blonde flight attendant uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand goes up. So she takes the delicious crabs home and eats them.

There are two lessons to be learned here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as others think they are.

[MissMolly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by braumeister Just for the record, there is no proof that this was ever published anywhere. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/ho...e-a-good-wife/

Actually it was. When I was engaged to be married I went to register at the higher end department store. The name of the store escapes me (it's been far too many years ago) and the store no longer exists. Upon registering I was presented with a book as a gift. The book contained many "helpful" hints about being a good wife by catering to my husbands needs, cleaning tips (oh my God, you should have seen the cleaning schedule included), cooking tips etc. That very article was included in that book. I never laughed so hard in my life!

[Chuckanut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMolly Actually it was. When I was engaged to be married I went to register at the higher end department store. The name of the store escapes me (it's been far too many years ago) and the store no longer exists. Upon registering I was presented with a book as a gift. The book contained many "helpful" hints about being a good wife by catering to my husbands needs, cleaning tips (oh my God, you should have seen the cleaning schedule included), cooking tips etc. That very article was included in that book. I never laughed so hard in my life!

So you are fact checking the fact checkers. Excellent!

[cbo111]

funny

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chuckanut So you are fact checking the fact checkers. Excellent!

+1

[Leo1277]

I recently blew some serious dough on a banana slicer. I have so far gone through my whole life living without one, but during all the free hours the pandemic brought us, I have done some serious thinking about what really matters in life. And after weeks of pondering, it became more and more clear to me that the time has come to splurge. This slicer has a 4.5 star rating on Amazon, and I, like many other customers of the Hutzler 571, spent hours of my life carefully weighing its technical pros and cons which are addressed in more than 6,000 invaluable Amazon reviews. Here is the glorious item: https://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-3571-...dp/B0047E0EII/

Pros - including fixed income options and prevention of serious family feuds:

Quote:
Nosh
5.0 out of 5 stars Really ?
Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2018 Package Quantity: 1 Size: 11.25" Verified Purchase
I've always wondered how to get that professional restaurant quality slice. Now i can ! No more paying for those expensively sliced fruits- i can just stay at home. Considering selling banana slices to my neighbors now for active & passive income !
121 people found this helpful

Quote:
Michael J. Corkren
5.0 out of 5 stars This will end all your trepidations concerning the slicing of all bananas.
Reviewed in the United States on January 23, 2018 Package Quantity: 1 Size: 11.25" Verified Purchase
This slicer is the best! For years my household would draw lots as to who would have to slice the banana. More than once this lead to lots of blood and a trip to the emergency room. Now we don't have to worry about loosing a finger or an occasional body part. Slicing bananas no longer resembles a scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Thank you Huzler 571! If only we'd found this product sooner my wife would be able to wear her wedding band on the correct finger and junior wouldn't be known as "3 finger Jack". Better late than never I say!
471 people found this helpful

Cons - including pathways to involuntary ER:

Quote:
Emily S
5.0 out of 5 stars Be careful of wrong-way bananas!!
Reviewed in the United States on June 1, 2018
We were so excited to get our Hutzler 571...until we realized that our bananas curved the wrong way. Gonna have to go to the store for new bananas...������
1,355 people found this helpful

Quote:
handler, AZ
2.0 out of 5 stars 3 bananas at most! No way to slice 571 bananas at one time...
Reviewed in the United States on May 9, 2017 Package Quantity: 1 Size: 11.25" Verified Purchase
My expectations may have been a little high, but I have not been able to successfully slice more than 3 bananas at one time. Not sure how Hutzler can claim to slice 571 bananas with this model. A video demonstrating the proper technique would help.For that reason I'd rate this item only 3 out of 571 stars, but Amazon's rating system does not seem to be compatible with this product so I dropped an additional star.
532 people found this helpful

Quote:
2.0 out of 5 stars Perfect, If You Want To Get Fired
Reviewed in the United States on November 5, 2017 Package Quantity: 1 Size: 11.25" Verified Purchase
I was sitting on the couch and my doorbell rang. I leapt off the sofa and ran to the door screaming, “My banana slicer!” I opened the package and immediately snatched a banana to slice. Without instructions included I did not realize I had to peel the banana first. It was a gooey mess and I had to grab another. This time I peeled it, but my banana was too small. It didn’t fill the whole slicer.
I went to Walmart Customer Service, “Do you have any giant bananas?” I questioned. The attendant turned away. I think he was laughing. He called for another attendant, they went to the back, and brought out the biggest bananas I’ve ever seen.
I went home with the bananas. I peeled the bananas and used the banana slicer. It was so satisfying to cut the bananas. I did it all day and forgot to go to work.
I got a call from my boss. “You’re fired!” he screamed into the phone.
I cried. I am no longer Jake from State Farm. I am now just Jake.
1,338 people found this helpful

[Time2]

Very Funny Leo.
There used to be some very funny reviews about the 50 gallon drum of personal lubricant. They were up for a long time and then got removed, another new batch of funny reviews started.
https://www.amazon.com/Passion-Lubes...ustomerReviews

[Aerides]

The classic of those amazon reviews was this pen - the Crystal "for her" Bic pen... savage:

"Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with."

"I'd really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father's or husband's permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions."

"If you are going to make a pen for her, please refrain from calling it a ball pen. we're confused enough."

"Now girls no longer need suffer from pens envy as they've been given nice pens of their own."

https://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1...ct_top?ie=UTF8

[Car-Guy]

Sign of the times....

[Car-Guy]

At Fort Drum I walk into the head to take a leak. At the urinal next to me happens to be an Army Captain. He finishes what he's doing and goes to the sink. I finish and head straight for the door. Captain yells at me " Hey Marine in the Army they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom!!" My reply? " Sir in the Marines they teach us not to pi**on our hands!!"