It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere More ...You ARE a Redneck if...... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Those are great!* Just when you thought you knew all there was to know about rednecks - - - -

[Martha]

Every now and then you have to clean your computer screen. But, what
about the inside of screen, how are you suppose to clean that ??

Fortunately, there is now a website that does this remotely at no cost
to you.

First, clean the outside of your screen and then click the link below to
clean the inside.

http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf

(the link works fine for me in explorer but not netscape)

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha Every now and then you have to clean your computer screen. But, what about the inside of screen, how are you suppose to clean that ?? Fortunately, there is now a website that does this remotely at no cost to you. First, clean the outside of your screen and then click the link below to clean the inside. http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf (the link works fine for me in explorer but not netscape) That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear

That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere 9. Your junior prom offered day care.

Yeah, but one of my shipmates took leave to escort his wife to the junior prom... and they'd celebrated at least one wedding anniversary by then.

Come to think of it, that was in Charleston SC.

[Martha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear

Make that Johnny Depp.

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha Make that Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp??* Sure, I'd love to have that smart mouth, America hating little twit on the other side of my screen.
Here Johnny, meet Mr Cursor.* Opps, did I stick you in the eye?* How does that pointer feel in your nostril?* Get ready for a power surge Johnny.* Are we having fun yet Johnny?

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick Johnny Depp??* Sure, I'd love to have that smart mouth, America hating little twit on the other side of my screen.

Uhm, I don't think Martha's attracted to him for his witty political discourse and European flair...

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords Uhm, I don't think Martha's attracted to him for his witty political discourse and European flair...

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, but if Martha wants to torture him also,- - -well I guess we can share.

[Nords]

.

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nords .

And for the rest of us - - there's Mastercard

[Honkie]

This one from a relative in the UK...



A Somali arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"

The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says

"Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,

"Are you a British citizen?"

She says, "No, I am from Romania!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,

"Where are all the British?"

The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...........


















"Probably at work."

[Honkie]

And another.....


At dawn El Telefono rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep , DEEP ****!"

[Eagle43]

Rich man calls his home, maid answers. "I'd like to speak to my wife.", he says.

"Senor, You cannot speak to her, because she is in the bedroom with your best friend."

"Damn, you know that makes me angry. You know where the gun is. Go get it, go into the bedroom and shoot them both."

"Senor, I cannot do that."

"Then I'll call immigration.", he says.

She says ok puts down the phone and you can hear here walk away. Bang. Bang.

She returns to the phone. Breathless!

"Senor, I did it! I shot them both. Then I threw the gun in the pool."

He says: "Pool, what pool? Is this 379-4621?"

Compliments of Milton Berle.....

[haha]

Great jokes!

ha

[brewer12345]

"Its OK to be Ghetto"

www.fedexfurniture.com

heheheh...

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 "Its OK to be Ghetto" www.fedexfurniture.com heheheh...

This is not ghetto. Ghetto is go down to the furniture store, break out the window, and haul the swag home.

Ha

[Jarhead*]

Honkie and Eagle 43: Stop, you're killing me!

[Alan]

Some new work terminology.

You may have seen some examples of these where you work(ed).

1. TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

2. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

3. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on
everything and then leaves.

4. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

5. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

6. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

7. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

8. MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato

9. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

10. STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

11. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of bashing the cr*p out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

12. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"
needless paperwork and processes.

13. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

14. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all' to an e-mail;
you delete a file that wasn't backed up.)

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alan Some new work terminology.

We need to send these to Despair.com for their new line of inspirational motivational posters. I think I've already seen the salmon one...

[Nords]

OK, I've been saving this for a while but I can't hold it any longer (so to speak)...