It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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HP ink jet? yeah. you can bite me. Photosmartass Premium more likely.


 
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled
pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or
I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly
reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me
this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head
and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill his brains all
over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun
aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could
keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this
plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill his brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached
up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they
couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to
Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill her brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the
stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear.
He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a
panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some
crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the
stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, He'd be the one
who'd have to give you guys your *#@#jobs."​
 
TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). Please pass this on to your Children and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CGIU: Can't get IT up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHAO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROTFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
 
California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Montana :

 The Governor of Montana is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.


And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Montana is running with millions in surplu$$$.
 
NURSING HOMES PASTIMES


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' .......She asks, 'What?' ---- 'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
 
The Sneeze





A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.



As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
 
Nords said:
I bet it was even funnier that they got paid $250/hour to hurl threats & epithets at each other...
Click to expand...

1n 1974, attorneys costs were around $40/hr. (I know, 'cause I paid for a couple of hours in 1974, when I was only making $3.50/hr myself...
 
SENIOR SENSE:)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 
As he was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife, she was examining herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked, "What would you like for your birthday?"

Still looking in the mirror she replied, "I'd like to be six again."

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to an amusement park.

What a day! He put her on every ride there was: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything.

Hours later they staggered out of the park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie (rated "G", of course), with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

Finally they wobbled home and she collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my DRESS SIZE, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
 
So, the geezer told in this story shuffled home for dinner.

At the dinner table, he and his wife of more than 60 years sat across the dining table, and started to eat silently as they normally did. Today, his wife had something different in mind. She said

"Honey, don't you remember how we ate when we were younger? How we sat eating dinner in the buff, and with candle light? How we then continued the romantic night by the fireplace with glasses of wine, and later made passionately love? What do you say if we try again to relive those old days, starting with how we had dinner?"​

Our geezer sighed silently, but being an indulging gentleman he always was, agreed to it. Soon, they again resumed having dinner, but in the buff.

Our man asked his wife
"How are you doing? Does it really make you feel more amorous?"​

The wife said excitedly
"Yes, honey. It's working! I already start to feel warm all over."​

Our man looked up at his wife, then lowered his eyes back to his plate, and said softly
"My dear, you are in the soup."​
 
MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
 

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the ass

Iron in the Arteries

Andan inexhaustible supply

of Natural Gas.





I never thought I'd​

accumulate such​

wealth.​
​
=​
 
Ed and Nancy met on a cruise, and had a marvelous time together. He fell head over heels for her.

When he discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 
One Saturday afternoon, a geezer and his young bride checked into the hotel honeymoon suite that was reserved.

At midnight, the young bride got down to the bar by herself, and ordered a double scotch. She then cried softly while sipping her drink. The concerned bartender asked "What's wrong, miss?"

The young lady replied "When we first met, he said that he was LBYM and been saving all his life. I thought that he meant money."
 
NW-Bound said:
One Saturday afternoon, a geezer and his young bride checked into the hotel honeymoon suite that was reserved.

At midnight, the young bride got down to the bar by herself, and ordered a double scotch. She then cried softly while sipping her drink. The concerned bartender asked "What's wrong, miss?"

The young lady replied "When we first met, he said that he was LBYM and been saving all his life. I thought that he meant money."
Click to expand...

OK, I give up. I don't get it. :confused:
 
First of all, the joke was not mine; I read it elsewhere. I believe it meant that the old man had been saving up his sex drive, and was able to keep busy from the afternoon to midnight.` His young bride got a lot of er, whatever, but money wasn't it.
 
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