Join Early Retirement Today
Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-04-2014, 08:34 AM   #3481
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Bay
Posts: 1,246
Was it three of these nuns?
scrinch is offline  
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Pug in..
Old 09-04-2014, 09:27 AM   #3482
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,065
Pug in..

an Ug on a Rug
Attached Images
File Type: jpg DC5FsXv.jpg (49.2 KB, 43 views)
Tailgate is offline  
Old 09-04-2014, 09:34 AM   #3483
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,065
and another...this is hilarious..an account of a car accident..

Tailgate is offline  
Old 09-04-2014, 10:05 AM   #3484
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 2,745
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucantes View Post
The day I let someone else tell me what I am supposed to think is funny is the day that I no longer deserve to laugh!
I am not sure why you quoted me on this. I didn't tell anyone what they are supposed to think is funny. I gave my own opinion as it applied to me. If you find any jokes here funny (which many of them are), knock yourself out. To me, there are jokes here that I have heard similar variation many times before. It's like watching a new movie which I have seen similar one many times before.
robnplunder is offline  
Old 09-04-2014, 01:41 PM   #3485
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: No fixed abode
Posts: 8,764
I'm having my Mom's mail forwarded to me while she's in the nursing home, so I just got her most recent Reader's Digest. I haven't read one of these in a couple of decades, but they have an article titled "Jokes that make you sound smarter". Examples:

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies coolly, "I said I'd be home by quarter of 12."

A recent finding by statisticians show the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"

and my favorite:

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline  
Old 09-04-2014, 03:49 PM   #3486
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chattanooga
Posts: 3,877
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be
possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the
will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your
will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my
funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a
man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow
morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour,
but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County

bury her!"
__________________
Earning money is an action, saving money is a behavior, growing money takes a well diversified portfolio and the discipline to ignore market swings.
frayne is online now  
Old 09-06-2014, 09:59 PM   #3487
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Cocoa Beach
Posts: 414
Quote:
Originally Posted by robnplunder View Post
I am not sure why you quoted me on this. I didn't tell anyone what they are supposed to think is funny. I gave my own opinion as it applied to me. If you find any jokes here funny (which many of them are), knock yourself out. To me, there are jokes here that I have heard similar variation many times before. It's like watching a new movie which I have seen similar one many times before.
I wasn't making an attack upon you, or your opinion (or at least it wasn’t my intention), more along the lines that, IMHO, trying to qualify or critique humor is about as useful as trying to do it to anything that is subjective: art, music, beauty, comedy etc.
Some people think certain things are funny, others may find them not so funny and others may even find them offensive…I think all three of them are right and wrong. I don’t know what is funny, except when I do. “I know it when I see it…”. If something made me laugh, chuckle, smirk or spit milk out of my nose and pee my pants then I am pretty sure that it is funny…..to me anyways. Your mileage may vary however….
Lucantes is offline  
Old 09-07-2014, 08:27 AM   #3488
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Mulligan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,343
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucantes View Post
I wasn't making an attack upon you, or your opinion (or at least it wasn’t my intention), more along the lines that, IMHO, trying to qualify or critique humor is about as useful as trying to do it to anything that is subjective: art, music, beauty, comedy etc.
Some people think certain things are funny, others may find them not so funny and others may even find them offensive…I think all three of them are right and wrong. I don’t know what is funny, except when I do. “I know it when I see it…”. If something made me laugh, chuckle, smirk or spit milk out of my nose and pee my pants then I am pretty sure that it is funny…..to me anyways. Your mileage may vary however….

Certainly true.... But what escapes me is when people are warned and still become offended. I remember when "Borat" came out the ticket sellers were warning everyone that this movie will be offensive and warning them prior. I told them I knew, and that in fact is the reason why I want to see it. But several older couples walked out of the movie in disgust while it was playing. Hey you were warned, why did insist on going? I admit I have never grown up...Anytime I read a movie review that pans a movie with phrases such as "juvenile", "tired worn out sophomoric phrases"or "the usual locker room humor" it's probably a movie I am going to enjoy.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Mulligan is offline  
Old 09-07-2014, 10:19 PM   #3489
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Cocoa Beach
Posts: 414
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mulligan View Post
Certainly true.... But what escapes me is when people are warned and still become offended. I remember when "Borat" came out the ticket sellers were warning everyone that this movie will be offensive and warning them prior. I told them I knew, and that in fact is the reason why I want to see it. But several older couples walked out of the movie in disgust while it was playing. Hey you were warned, why did insist on going? I admit I have never grown up...Anytime I read a movie review that pans a movie with phrases such as "juvenile", "tired worn out sophomoric phrases"or "the usual locker room humor" it's probably a movie I am going to enjoy.
I have to admit that the majority of my humor would be considered as juvenile and leaning towards the "blue" end of the spectrum (although my only real criteria for humor is that it has to make me laugh, I try and not put limits on it). Show me a video clip of pretty much anyone getting hit, or kicked, in the crotch and I am almost guaranteed to laugh, I just can't help it (as long as I am not the one in the video getting hit or kicked!)! Does that make me a bad person? (if the answer is yes well I just don’t care and will have to live with being a bad person) If something is really considered offensive, or I am told that I am supposed to be offended by it, then there is a very good chance that it will make me laugh (this tends to drive my wife a lil’ bit crazy sometimes). I hate all of the modern day PC crap and think there is a real difference between someone making a joke about a topic or group, and someone using their hatred and bigotry actually against a group etc.
I cannot understand anyone that wants to censor free expression, or that insists that I should be offended by something that offends them. Don't like it, don't watch it!
Lucantes is offline  
Old 09-10-2014, 04:06 AM   #3490
Confused about dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Walcha
Posts: 7
[QUOTE=TromboneAl;310542]My wife and I do it doggy style...

I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.[/QU

I don't understand, could you explain please.
Garth is offline  
Upsetting australians
Old 09-10-2014, 04:21 AM   #3491
Confused about dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Walcha
Posts: 7
Upsetting australians

I'm an Australian citizen now but I was born in New Zealand so here goes...

An American tourist on vacation in New Zealand stopped at a small country pub (bar) for a drink. He walked in to the bar and a group of farmers drinking in a group with the barman all stopped talking and stared at him. The barman came over to him and asked what would like to drink. The American said he'd have a beer.
Feeling guilty about the cold stares the other customers gave him, the barman asked him what he did for a living.
The American replied, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman said. "A tixidermist whit's thit?"
The American said "I mount animals." and the barman turned to the other customers and said, "It's all right fellers, he's one of us!"
Garth is offline  
Blind man with a joke.
Old 09-11-2014, 11:37 AM   #3492
Recycles dryer sheets
chief04010's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Tampa Bay
Posts: 64
Blind man with a joke.

A blind man walks into a female biker bar without realizing where he is. He makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says “hey, anyone want to hear a blonde joke?” The large woman on the stool next to him says “You’re blind so I going to advise you of something. I am blonde, 6’2” and weigh 175 lbs., and have a black belt in karate. The woman on the other side of you is a blonde and a professional weight lifter, the bartender is a blonde and has a baseball bat, the woman sitting at the table behind you is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and last but not least the bouncer is also a blonde woman. Now that you know that there are five blondes here do you still want to tell your joke?” The man thought for a moment and said “No way, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
chief04010 is offline  
Old 09-11-2014, 12:05 PM   #3493
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Senator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Williston, FL
Posts: 3,925
I just got back from Florida. I was a bit upset, as the lifeguard at the resort yelled at me for peeing in the pool. He shouted so loud, I almost fell in....
__________________
FIRE no later than 7/5/2016 at 56 (done), securing '16 401K match (done), getting '15 401K match (done), LTI Bonus (done), Perf bonus (done), maxing out 401K (done), picking up 1,000 hours to get another year of pension (done), July 1st benefits (vacation day, healthcare) (done), July 4th holiday. 0 days left. (done) OFFICIALLY RETIRED 7/5/2016!!
Senator is offline  
Old 09-13-2014, 12:08 PM   #3494
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
seraphim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,555
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129. The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129. The priest apologized, Sorry sister but the flesh is weak Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
__________________
"Growing old is no excuse for growing up."
seraphim is offline  
Old 09-16-2014, 09:54 AM   #3495
Administrator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 40,586
DD sent this, i wasn't sure where to post. It's not a joke, just a collection of funny screen shots of text message exchanges between parents and their children, courtesy "The Metapicture". Here's What Happens When Parents Are Better At Texting Than Their Kids... - The Meta Picture
MichaelB is online now  
Old 09-17-2014, 06:14 AM   #3496
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chattanooga
Posts: 3,877
The neighborhood busybody notices a new move in and wanders over as he is on the lawn, "Hi, I want to welcome you to our Florida Retirement community. We have social outings every Tues night, luncheons Thursdays and dances Friday and Saturday nights. Are you here by yourself?"
"Yea I just got out of the Pen, got ten years for killing my old lady."
"Oh, so you're Single then........"
__________________
Earning money is an action, saving money is a behavior, growing money takes a well diversified portfolio and the discipline to ignore market swings.
frayne is online now  
Old 09-18-2014, 09:15 AM   #3497
Recycles dryer sheets
Revlefty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bradenton
Posts: 270
Oh, nuts. I just hit the escape key on my computer... but it didn't work. I'm still sitting in my office working.
Revlefty is offline  
Old 09-18-2014, 11:48 AM   #3498
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,065
N CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA...
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK , "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.


THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,
SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.


HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":


IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. & MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUT AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
That story broke up all the people present.
Tailgate is offline  
Old 09-18-2014, 11:49 AM   #3499
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,065
so true
Attached Images
File Type: jpg ydUsYyI.jpg (29.9 KB, 39 views)
Tailgate is offline  
Old 09-18-2014, 04:25 PM   #3500
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 2,745
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tailgate View Post
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":
Chuckle. Loved it. Thanks.
robnplunder is offline  
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:53 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.