It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Eagle43]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well I looked, and it is Thursday.

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE



1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.


3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.


11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".


12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.


13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

 

[Jarhead*]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle 43:

Hilarious stuff Loved that guy.

Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead

 

[nearly50]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That’s Mother Teresa’s.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where’s Bill Clinton’s clock?" asked the man.

"Clinton’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[yakers]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle 43:




Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead

That is funnier than Red Skelton, money on San Antonio...


Detroit all the way for me.

 

[nearly50]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180 pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.

4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weightlifter.

5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[nearly50]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Three ducks walk into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.  Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
all day  myself. What else could a duck want?" 

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An elderly man, age 92, and woman, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. The old man suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Old man: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Old man: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Old man: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Old man: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Old man: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Old man: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Old man: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Old man: "Great. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
---------------------

Go Spurs!

 

[Eagle43]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle 43:

Hilarious stuff Loved that guy.

Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead

Hey JarHead, Yakkers is contradicting us. However, if Duncan doesn't step up, he could be right.

So this woman is lying in bed for hours with her lover, in her house. Phone rings, she answers, and her part of the conversation: "Where are you? Hmmm! That's Nice. You winning? Ok, See you about 7"

When she hangs up, her lover verifies: "That was your husband, right?"
"yep", she replies, "he told me he was playing golf with you!"

Go San Antonio.

 

[MJ]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE

Oldie but goody! I didn't know Gertrude and Heathcliff were married.
He was hilarious in his day

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A repeater, but a good one. Technically this was determined by scientists to be the funniest joke in the world...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[greg]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My absolute favorite joke and it's easy to remember and tell. Heard it in a bar one nite--about fifty times--by an old drunk sitting next to me. I enjoyed it every time:

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?

She was f****g Goofy.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well whatta ya want, he doesnt wear any pants!

The original had the divorce court judge telling Mickey he couldnt find in his favor over a divorce because he didnt see that Minnie had any mental incompetency.

Mickey interrupted "I didnt say she was crazy! I said she was ****ing goofy!"

 

[riskadverse]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If Mickey was a mouse and Pluto was a dog, what was Goofy?

 

[ER@40]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two couples from Kerry (substitute any small country town you like here) decide to swap partners . . . after 3 hours of rampant sex - Paddy turns and says, I wonder how the women are getting on?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If Mickey was a mouse and Pluto was a dog, what was Goofy?

A dog that could use the internet...

 

[Bruce]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My friend, who is bald, went to look at toupees. Most of the toupees that he saw, the hair was not very lifelike; however there was one toupee that the salesman showed him that was made with cat hair; although it was twice as expensive as all the other toupees he really liked how it felt and looked on his bald head so he took it.

Two days later, he had to return it. When asked why, he told the salesman, "every time I comb my hair my a$$ raises in the air!!!"

 

[riskadverse]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

. . .

 

[Honkie]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

DEATH OF A CONSULTANT


A consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.  A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the consultant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The consultant is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says,

"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter.

"We've added up your time sheets."

 

[HFWR]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[moghopper]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman.

"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[charlie]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: Attorneys...Ask the right questions only!

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, in a small Southern town the prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy! , bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail"

 

[MJ]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to
10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to
look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body
expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask
such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my
parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have
you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted,
he asks the class the question again.

This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3
things to tell you. First, it's clear that you have NOT
done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And
third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

[HFWR]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The teacher asked her class "What animal is depicted on a weathervane?"

Immediately, Little Johnny's raised his hand, waving frantically. The teacher, knowing Johnny probably had some smart-assed answer, waited and waited for someone else to respond. Finally, after an uncomfortable silence, the teacher called on Johnny.

"Ok, Johnny, what animal is depicted on a weathervane?"

"A cock", Johnny replied, grinning .

"Yes, Johnny, that's correct. It is a cock, which is also known as a rooster. So now can anyone tell me why the cock or rooster is used for a weathervane?"

Again, only Johnny's hand went up...

"Ok, Johnny, why is the cock used on a weathervane?"

"Well, teach", he answered. "Because if it were a c*nt, the wind would blow right through it!"

 

[unclemick]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Now my question - why is it always Johnny instead of Tom, Dick, or Harry -how come they pick on him?