It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Chuckanut]

The story of Maria's marriage, which is the great happiness and amazement of her life, is too much like a fairy tale. Her loving husband and beautiful daughter are her life, and she wouldn't change a single aspect of them.

However, she had begun to speculate that something wasn't right because their only child’s hair was brilliant red, like Prince-Harry red hair. Everybody in her and her better half's family had black hair, like Jon-Snow black hair.
At some point, Maria finally decided to get a DNA test for their daughter subsequent to considering it for some time.



When she received the results, she was stunned to learn that her husband wasn’t the birth father, and she wasn’t the birth mother. Their girl was from totally different parents.


Maria was confused as she didn't know how such a thing could have happened. She didn't have any idea how she would break the news to her husband. She knew that nothing would ever be the same again.



In the end, Maria decided to tell her husband during what she thought was the most convenient moment: while he was watching football.


Maria took a deep breath and said, “Well, according to the DNA test results, we’re not our daughter’s parents.”


"Of course not!", replied the husband. “Don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: ‘Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.’”

[Qs Laptop]

An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, who were also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen to clean up and the two men went to the living room to talk.

One guy said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.”

The second man asked, “What’s the name of it?”

The first man thought and thought, then asked, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”

“Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man.

“Yes, that’s it,” said the first man.

Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

[Jeb-NY]

Sorry, I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.

[Walt34]

Hypochondriac Tombstone...

[frayne]

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

[Nemo2]

^

+10!!

[Nemo2]

Molly Flynn calls the hotel's reception desk and says, "Please send someone over right away, I'm having argument with my husband and he's threatening to jump out the window."

The manager replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."

"Listen to me," yells Molly, "this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

[Khan]

https://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur...=v&cti=2341277

[Yoheadden]

What did the 0 say to the 8 ?

Nice belt :-}

[frayne]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"


"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."


"Social Security sex?"


"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

[TromboneAl]

[TromboneAl]

[TromboneAl]

From Steven Wright:

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

[frayne]

To the person who stole my anti depressants, I hope you're happy.

[harley]

Stolen from a comment on a website I frequent:

Steve Jobs is dead
Johnny Cash is dead
Bob Hope is dead.

We've got no jobs, no cash, no hope. Everybody pray for continued health for Kevin Bacon.

[Qs Laptop]

Puns about poop are not my favorite, but they are a solid number 2.

[Car-Guy]

Found in the personal section of a local newspaper. It read;


Man with Corona virus seeks woman with lime disease.

[TrvlBug]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Car-Guy Found in the personal section of a local newspaper. It read; Man with Corona virus seeks woman with lime disease.

[Walt34]

So let me get this straight. I go to the grocery store and buy a pound of sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard and a plastic bottle of ketchup. They won't give me a plastic bag to carry it home in because plastic is bad for the environment

[CardsFan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 So let me get this straight. I go to the grocery store and buy a pound of sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard and a plastic bottle of ketchup. They won't give me a plastic bag to carry it home in because plastic is bad for the environment

Too logical. There is nothing to see here. Move along.