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Old 09-16-2020, 02:03 PM   #5441
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My wife put a box with a lock on it in the top of the closet when we first got married, she told me to never look at it or open it under NO Circumstances. Throughout the years I wanted to but never looked in it. Then, after many years, the wife had a stroke and was on her death bed. I stayed with her day and night but wondered about the box as well. I asked her if now was the time to open the box. She stated "Yes now would be a good time to let me explain the box. I opened it and there was 2 little crocheted dolls and a million dollars in it! My wife said, "My mother told me to put a box in there when we first got married and to crochet a little doll each time you made me mad" I was overly excited to know I had just made her mad twice but had to ask her where the million dollars came from? She said, " I got all the money from selling the dolls I crocheted over the years!"
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Old 09-16-2020, 02:05 PM   #5442
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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'.
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Old 09-16-2020, 02:08 PM   #5443
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A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial traits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto Night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself, "Brandi.......work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
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Old 09-16-2020, 02:16 PM   #5444
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Today's groaners not worthy of individual posts


A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.00 in the Bahamas, and $3.50 in Barbados. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

A friend kept saying, "Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be underground in hole filled with water." I know he means well.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which comes first
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Old 09-17-2020, 08:58 AM   #5445
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Two truck drivers were arguing inside the terminal when one of them said, "I think we need to take this outside!". The other driver said, "I'll be out a soon as I finish this paper work. Meantime, just go out there and practice falling down until I get there."
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Old 09-17-2020, 09:03 AM   #5446
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Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you but the children will remember my birthday for sure." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my beautiful secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss and Happy Birthday." And then I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You now, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By Golly, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had a few martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment to which I quickly agreed."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about five minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat on the couch ... naked.
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Old 09-17-2020, 09:43 AM   #5447
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Don't let it worry you! Most members are so old they can't remember most jokes for more than a day or so! Keep bringing them!!

I resemble that remark!
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Old 09-17-2020, 10:18 AM   #5448
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry out."
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Old 09-17-2020, 10:19 AM   #5449
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A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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Old 09-17-2020, 10:25 AM   #5450
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
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Old 09-17-2020, 10:27 AM   #5451
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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
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Old 09-17-2020, 04:44 PM   #5452
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Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "It's a small world."
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Old 09-18-2020, 03:40 PM   #5453
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Now this one isn't so much a joke as it is truth when you read the punch line...



Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd."
The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man laughed and answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are an auditor."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
" First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business... now can I have my DOG back?"
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Old 09-18-2020, 06:26 PM   #5454
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A guy and his wife are playing golf for the first time on the gold course of an exclusive subdivision. He hooks his first tee shot, and it goes off, smashing through the bay window of a ritzy mansion right off the fairway.
Feeling very embarrassed and sheepish, they go over to the house, ring the doorbell, and go in where they hear a voice telling them the door's open. There in the living room was a guy lying on the couch. There's glass all over the floor and...a broken bottle.
"You the people who broke the window?"
"Yessir. We're terribly sorry and embarrassed, and would like to pay you for the damage."
The man says, "Oh, no! I'm delighted! You see, I'm a genie, and was trapped in that bottle for centuries! In fact, I'd like to offer three gifts, one for each of you, and one for me."
Intrigued, the couple immediately agree. "I'd like a million dollars each year for the rest of my life," said the man. His wife then said, "And I'd like a comfortable house in a prime tourist spot in every country of the world."
The genie said that was all great, done and done. But for his wish, the genie said that since he'd been trapped in that bottle for so long, he'd love to have relations with the man's wife.
That was quite unexpected and the couple were taken aback. They decided that since the genie had been so generous, though, it was probably the least they could do.
The genie then took the wife upstairs and fulfilled his wish with her repeatedly for a couple of hours.
Afterwards he rolled over smoking a cigarette, and asked the wife how old she was as well as her husband.
"Why we are both thirty-eight. Why do you ask?"
Genie: "You mean to tell me that you and he are both thirty-eight years old, and still believe in genies?!"
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Old 09-18-2020, 06:30 PM   #5455
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A soldier in Korea went to a really seedy red light district and about 2 weeks later his thing looked really bad. He went to the base doctor and was told it had to be cut off. Not liking the diagnosis he went to a Korean doctor who looked at it and said hmmm. The soldier told him that the American doctor said he would have to cut it off. Cut, cut cut the Korean doctor said. All American doctors want to do is cut. You no need to cut thing off. Great the soldier said. No the Korean doctor said, you just wait 2 weeks, and thing fall off all by itself.
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Old 09-19-2020, 06:17 PM   #5456
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Disclaimer: Don't read this one if you are easily offended.


While in a new port, a sailor went out for the night in a really seedy red light district. He ended up getting very drunk and passing out. He awoke the next morning and noticed his thing had a red ring and a black ring on it. He was very worried so went straight to the doctor. The doctor took samples and returned two hours later and said, "I have some good news and some bad news". The good news is the red ring is lipstick. The sailor asks and the bad news is? The bad news is the black ring is Skoal.
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Old 09-19-2020, 06:21 PM   #5457
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A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone several times for hours and hours trying to make some sense of our conversations. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Old 09-19-2020, 06:31 PM   #5458
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I’m not having much luck with holding a job lately.....

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
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Old 09-19-2020, 07:30 PM   #5459
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...and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."
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Old 09-19-2020, 07:39 PM   #5460
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Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."
My wife used to work at a television station, scheduling when the various commercials would go on the air. Many of the psychics who bought commercial time would call in to find out when their commercials would be aired.
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