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Old 09-19-2020, 07:42 PM   #5461
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Quote:
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Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lewis Clark View Post
My wife used to work at a television station, scheduling when the various commercials would go on the air. Many of the psychics who bought commercial time would call in to find out when their commercials would be aired.

As I've said before, I don't write em, I just post em. However, on occasions, I have edited a few of them if I think it tells a better joke.
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Old 09-19-2020, 11:05 PM   #5462
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
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Old 09-20-2020, 05:25 AM   #5463
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Old 09-20-2020, 07:34 AM   #5464
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After watching most of the Monday night football game...the old fellow decides to go to bed.....
The guys wife is already in bed and have been asleep for an hour already....
He climbs in bed with his wife.....
He slides his hands slowly across his wife's shoulder.....
under her legs....
around her waist......
under her neck....
below her neck....
He then gently slides his hand under his wife's lower back....
All of a sudden he stops....
His wife asked him in a romantic voice....
"Babe....why did you stop?"
He answers her....
"Found the remote....you can go back to sleep!"
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Old 09-20-2020, 10:58 AM   #5465
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A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'
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Old 09-20-2020, 11:57 AM   #5466
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post


A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'
LOL!!
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Old 09-21-2020, 02:04 PM   #5467
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Old 09-22-2020, 03:46 PM   #5468
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Old 09-22-2020, 03:48 PM   #5469
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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Old 09-22-2020, 06:39 PM   #5470
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And I always thought blonde jokes were about women....



Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, she replied "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
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Old 09-22-2020, 06:44 PM   #5471
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I seen this somewhere before.... Maybe here, but worth a re-post.


A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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Old 09-22-2020, 06:57 PM   #5472
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Old 09-22-2020, 07:00 PM   #5473
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Old 09-22-2020, 07:08 PM   #5474
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A few one liners (or so) but none are worthy of individual posts.


Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?” Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced so differently bothers me way more than it should.

You know why a chicken coupe has 2 doors instead of 4?
Because then it would be called a sedan instead of a coupe!

Remember when they built a very small car they called a Yugo? Later they decided to make a station wagon so they called it a Wego
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Old 09-23-2020, 03:13 PM   #5475
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Old 09-23-2020, 03:22 PM   #5476
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I bought a t-shirt with that printed on it. DW was NOT amused.

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Old 09-23-2020, 07:39 PM   #5477
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Maybe a few dups here (Deleted a few others that I know were dups)

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners, as she was leaving the clerk says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

A blonde's neighbor's house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, "My neighbor's house is on fire!" The operator asked, "Where are you?" The blonde answered, "At my house." The operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?" The blonde said, "In a firetruck, duh!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "The next day the brunette says; that was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"
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Old 09-23-2020, 08:05 PM   #5478
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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
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Old 09-23-2020, 08:13 PM   #5479
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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Old 09-24-2020, 06:29 AM   #5480
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