Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 09-28-2020, 12:57 PM   #5501
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North
Posts: 2,797
Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important to me for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Lol. I like it. Keep em coming
kgtest is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 09-28-2020, 01:01 PM   #5502
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North
Posts: 2,797
Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post


A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"
ROFLMAO!!! My pilot buddies will love this one!
kgtest is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2020, 02:58 PM   #5503
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531


The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
You say you're here, because your family is worried about your "taste in socks"?
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I prefer wool socks too."
"You do?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2020, 04:28 PM   #5504
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 7,744
Not a joke, but we sure laughed:

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=76...eb2XjG4bfC2zEV
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:26 AM   #5505
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531


The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:29 AM   #5506
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
Within the margin of error?


An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 5 ft below the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 5 ft above the deer.
The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:31 AM   #5507
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
+

Two buddies are hunting and one has a huge new scope. He says wow I can see everything with this scope, it’s incredible. I can see your house and even in the window. Oh my, your wife is in there having sex with another guy. His friend says I want you to shoot her in the head and him in the private parts. His buddy says, I can do that with one shot.
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:36 AM   #5508
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young lady in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they made passionate love. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The lady then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea.
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:38 AM   #5509
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
Not so funny but it makes sense to me!

The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says the glass is half empty.
The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 06:41 AM   #5510
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
Trust me, not all engineers would have made the same choice.


Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 11:22 AM   #5511
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
Another old dumb engineering joke. (Tried of dumb blonde jokes for while)


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 11:26 AM   #5512
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
No disrespect to vultures intended

Question: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?"
Answer 1: Removable wing tips.
Answer 2 (from a practicing attorney): Vultures only prey on the dead, lawyers aren't that picky
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 11:47 AM   #5513
Recycles dryer sheets
Out-to-Lunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Milwaukee
Posts: 353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post
[B](Tried of dumb blonde jokes for while)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post
Question: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?"
Of course, it is possible to combine lawyer and blonde jokes:

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a blonde?
A: Hey now, have some respect! There are some things that even a blonde won't do!
Out-to-Lunch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 03:10 PM   #5514
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
I wouldn't advise anyone to following these directions, especially if she is blonde.



__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 04:30 PM   #5515
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Car-Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Citizen of Texas
Posts: 4,531
No respect....


The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Madam President-elect replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, the first Jewish and the first female is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You know that woman who's taking the oath of office there?"
The senator whispers back, "Why yes, I do!"
Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor, you know."
__________________
A goal without a plan is really just a wish
Car-Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 09:03 PM   #5516
Recycles dryer sheets
Jeb-NY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Lost State of Franklin
Posts: 331
Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”
Jeb-NY is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 09:05 PM   #5517
Recycles dryer sheets
Jeb-NY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Lost State of Franklin
Posts: 331
A Couple Goes To A Sex Therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Jeb-NY is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2020, 09:24 PM   #5518
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North
Posts: 2,797
FB_IMG_1601436066975.jpg
kgtest is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2020, 05:41 AM   #5519
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 7,744
Stolen from elsewhere:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
- I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
- He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar
- “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
- Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
- “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2020, 09:19 AM   #5520
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 7,744
Received by e-mail:

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I run like the winded.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 7 (2 members and 5 guests)
Jeb-NY
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:31 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.