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Old 09-30-2020, 03:39 PM   #5521
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Old 09-30-2020, 03:40 PM   #5522
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Old 09-30-2020, 05:28 PM   #5523
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Another oldie but goodie

Man finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a Genie appears. The Genie tells the guy he'll grant any wish.

"I always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a highway so I can drive there?"

"Ugh....you know, that's a pretty huge wish. I mean it's a lot of trouble. I'd have to build rest stops, hotels, restaurants and all that other stuff including the highway. Is there some thing else you'd like?"

"Ok. I want to know all about how a woman thinks."

"How many lanes do you want?"
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Old 10-01-2020, 07:55 PM   #5524
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it! After today, no more reading.
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Old 10-01-2020, 08:00 PM   #5525
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An engineer, a physicist, and a "blonde" mathematician were smoking in their beds one night. Each manages to fall asleep with a lit cigarette, only to awaken with the bed on fire.
The engineer runs to the bathroom, grabs a cup, fills it with water, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep, wet but safe.
The physicist runs to the desk, spends several minutes writing an equation for the linearized rate of fire spread, checks the clock, runs to the bathroom, fills a wastebasket with water, extinguishes the now-larger flame, and goes wetly to sleep.
The blonde mathematician runs to her desk, writes down the exact, non-linear equations for the rate of fire spread versus time, fuel availability, air flow, and so on. She looks at the equations, nods to herself and announces “Now I understand the problem!” and goes back to bed.
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Old 10-01-2020, 08:04 PM   #5526
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(Yes I know this one is posted everywhere, probably in this thread a few times too, but it' a good one and worth repeating occasionally)


A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Old 10-01-2020, 08:09 PM   #5527
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2020 last ditch effort!


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Old 10-01-2020, 08:17 PM   #5528
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2020 last ditch effort!


This is good, real good!!
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Old 10-02-2020, 09:00 AM   #5529
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Thank you Car Guy! I can always count on you for a chuckle or a laugh!
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Old 10-02-2020, 12:16 PM   #5530
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This is good, real good!!
Very very funny.
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Old 10-03-2020, 08:56 PM   #5531
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Over several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman while on his routine trips to Italy. One night, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would stay in Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born and to start sending the money. To keep it discrete, he told her to send a post card and write "Spaghetti order has arrived, need sauce" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife, who told him he had received a strange postcard. Oh just give it to me and I'll explain later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, then turned white as a ghost and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti orders have arrived. 2 with meatballs, 1 without. Please send lots of extra sauce."
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Old 10-04-2020, 06:20 AM   #5532
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?""Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, and just asked for aspirin, while winking at the pharmacist?"
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Old 10-04-2020, 12:06 PM   #5533
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Cute!
We have a shar-pei/pit mix--lol
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Old 10-05-2020, 08:32 AM   #5534
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Home Owners Association cited a home owner for a visible trashcan.

So the home owner built a privacy fence.
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Old 10-05-2020, 11:10 AM   #5535
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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Old 10-05-2020, 06:14 PM   #5536
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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, she could see him writing something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote."I can see your feet".
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Old 10-05-2020, 07:47 PM   #5537
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A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me."

"Then why are you looking at me that way?"

"Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"
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Old 10-05-2020, 07:50 PM   #5538
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At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!
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Old 10-05-2020, 07:55 PM   #5539
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At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine. Enjoy your emails !!

Ha! Just copied this and sent it off to my OLD buddies!
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Old 10-05-2020, 08:10 PM   #5540
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An older married couple are in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and whispers, “I’ve just passed a lot of gas but it was done very silently. What should I do?” The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”
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