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Old 10-25-2020, 02:07 PM   #5621
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Some old folks one liners

Why Do Old People Smile All The Time?

Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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What's The Worst Part About Being Grandpa?

Sleeping with grandma

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What's The Best Thing About Being 103 Years Old?

No more peer pressure

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What Do Old People And Hockey Players Have In Common?

Neither of them have their own teeth.

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What Do You Call Your Grandma On Speed Dial?

Instagram

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Why Don't Old People Eat Health Food?

They need all the preservatives they can get.

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What's An Old Person's Favorite Song?

Anything on the Weather Channel.
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Old 10-25-2020, 03:49 PM   #5622
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Originally Posted by Car-Guy View Post
...

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"Well, we're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
I've heard that one before but I still laughed out loud at the punchline!
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Old 10-25-2020, 08:10 PM   #5623
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"I" never heard this one... Pretty good....



Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?", asked Grandpa.
"$20.00 a pill", answered the son.
"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $120.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $20.00, not $120.00."
"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma.
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:54 AM   #5624
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:55 AM   #5625
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A man went to see a lawyer and told him this, "I need to sue my neighbor for the $500 he owes me and will not pay." The lawyer wanted to know what proof the man had that the neighbor owes this money. The man said "No proof." The lawyer told him to write a demand letter for $5000. The man stated "But he only owes me $500". The lawyer stated " The neighbor will reply that way, "and claim that he only owes $500! The lawyer stated, "Then you will have your proof."
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Old 10-26-2020, 09:06 AM   #5626
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After all you may actually be too much of a genius.
Albert Einstein applied to the Federal Institute of Technology (FIT) in Zurich, Switzerland, and he failed the entrance examination.
I often wonder how many geniuses the world has missed out on. Hitler may have been an artistic genius, but he failed the entrance exam to get into the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna.
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Old 10-26-2020, 07:06 PM   #5627
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So true


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Old 10-26-2020, 07:39 PM   #5628
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So true


Whoa! When did Africa get so big?
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Old 10-26-2020, 08:44 PM   #5629
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This isn't a joke, but it made me laugh. Best headline of the year.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/esc...7Y76OELOTHGPA/
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Old 10-26-2020, 09:28 PM   #5630
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Whoa! When did Africa get so big?
Roughly 65 million years ago, when Gondwandaland broke up. Africa is BIG. The usual Mercator projection minimizes its apparent size, because it straddles the equator.

Cf.:

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Old 10-27-2020, 11:25 AM   #5631
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A woman wakes up in bed from a dream and tells her husband, "I just had a dream that you gave me a diamond necklace, what does that mean?" The man replied, "Wait till tonight and we will see." The husband came back that night with a wrapped box in his hands. The wife took it ripped the wrapping off and opened the box,.....Just to find in it a book titled "How to Interpret Dreams"!

Well he thought is was pretty funny....
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Old 10-27-2020, 04:42 PM   #5632
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A young man saw and elderly couple eating lunch at McDonald's. They ordered 1 meal with an extra cup for their drink. After carefully dividing the burger in half, they counted out half the fries into two small stacks, and then poured half the drink in the empty cup. Placing half of the meal in front of his wife, the man sat down & started to eat his half.

The young man went over and offered to buy them another meal so they each could have one. The old man said, "oh no, we've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been shared 50/50." The young man asked the woman if she was going to eat. She replied, "no not just yet" since this time it's his turn to use the teeth first.
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Old 10-28-2020, 06:51 AM   #5633
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Old 10-28-2020, 06:54 AM   #5634
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A man and wife were in a bar one night and the lady said to the man, "Look at that guy over there, he's drunk and hitting on every woman in the bar." The man looked and stated, "But you know him, right?" She stated "Yes, about 5 years ago I used to date him" The man then said, wow, "5 years ago and the man is still celebrating!"
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Old 10-28-2020, 02:15 PM   #5635
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COVID-19 Items & Quotes XVI



The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!



You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.



Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined!

Whom are we kidding? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!



Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands



Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.



Here's an idea: First, test the Covid vaccine on politicians. If they survive, the vaccine is safe. If they don't, the country is safe!



Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable. You only wear them in public. And when you don’t wear one, everyone notices



I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me



What pets think about quarantine.

Dogs: He loves me so much, he quit his job to be with me

Cats: I knew that that idiot would get fired one day.



Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what’s happening around you get inside of you and weigh you down.



Woman in a store: “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask”

Man: “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are.



Me: Alexa, what’s the weather going to be this weekend?

Alexa: Why? Where do you think you’re going?



And in the end man used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out



Had I known in March it would be the last time I would be in a restaurant, I would have ordered the dessert



To the new mother: “Who is the father”

New mother: “Don’t know. He wore a mask.”



My cat just came home with 24 bags of kitty litter. Time to stop this nonsense.



If you want to save money at Christmas, now’s the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.



So for season 2 - I mean the second wave. Can we switch quarantine partners, or are we stuck with the same ones from season 1.



Breaking news: swimming pools are reopened, but to the continued social distancing regulations, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5.



Newsflash: Sticking your tongue on an outdoor bug zapper will cure the virus. Yep, I read it on the internet.



Good morning inmates. Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs?


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Old 10-28-2020, 05:09 PM   #5636
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Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them. Moral of the story, don’t let what’s happening around you get inside of you and weigh you down.
I know this is the funny joke thread, but this quote is a really good philosophy to follow.
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Old 10-29-2020, 06:14 AM   #5637
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MOM'S BIBLE.


Four brothers all became successful business men and lawyers and lived across the country from each other.


They met to discuss the 95th birthday party and gifts they were to give their elderly mother.


The first said, "You know I have had a big house built for Mom."

The second said, "And I had a large theatre room built into that house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mom loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Minister who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten Ministers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mom only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Michael, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thank you anyway."

"Mervin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thank you."

"Mark, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Mitchell, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Cornish hen was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom
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Old 10-29-2020, 02:20 PM   #5638
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
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Old 10-30-2020, 08:48 AM   #5639
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A man went to a bar and ordered a drink, he drank it down and looked in his pocket, then ordered another drink. After seeing him do this several times the bartender had enough and asked what he was doing. The man said "Everytime I take a drink, I look at a picture of my wife that I have in my pocket. When she gets to be looking good, I'll go home."

Make the next one a double...
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Old 10-30-2020, 09:41 AM   #5640
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I like older cars but this is going back a bit to far for me....


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