I found this and thought it was hysterical:
The topic of merkins came up a while ago in a mailing list of word fans on the IBM internal network, and a participant told of going to a bar that offered prizes to amateur nude dancers. There were a lot of rules; some made sense (no touching the customers), some didn't (pubic hair required). A woman in the party considered going up, but she shaved herself; however, the management provided merkins. She said they looked like little mustaches. The whole scene was a little too weird for her, so she decided not to dance. --Philip Cohen, White Plains, New York
Thanks for sharing, Phil. I'll have you know that Cecil recently conspired to give his good buddy Charlie the architect a merkin for his birthday, something for which, Charlie's girlfriend assured me, Charlie had developed a desperate craving ever since having read about merkins in this column some months ago. Since the local sex-toy shop was fresh out (and yes, we thought of the Merkin-tile Exchange joke, too), we decided to improvise by presenting him with a large industrial mop dyed a tasteful bevy of dayglo colors. The classiest part of the whole production, however, was the instructions. Anne provided the safety tips and owner registration card ("It is imperative that we know how to reach you promptly if we should discover a safety problem that could affect you"); I added hints on operation and use. Sample:
"Confirm that merkin is the proper size before wearing. Use of an improperly sized merkin may result in paralysis or death.
"On first use your merkin may be stiff and difficult to attach properly. Do not be embarrassed to ask for assistance. For best results we recommend that four persons be recruited for this purpose--one to grasp either leg, one to apply the merkin, and one to act as lookout.
"Once the merkin is in place, it should be appropriately lubricated using light sewing machine oil, petroleum jelly, #2 fuel oil, or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter when on sale at Safeway. Do not use so much lubricant that it dribbles in the street. Merkin should not 'squish' when in use.
"Your merkin is highly flammable. Do not use if temperature rises above 73 degrees. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
We had it delivered to the office. Unfortunately the firecracker didn't go off. But it was a birthday Charlie won't soon forget.