More arguing after ER?

[kcowan]

Both DW and I were in high pressure careers. When we retired, there was a gap. That was 11 years ago. We still seek activities to fill our days. Since we get along most of the time, we just "talk out" areas of conflict.

Our life in Mexico is much easier than up north, primarily because we have found separate pursuits that seem worthwhile to us. But we both make sure we are not just filling time. We see too many retires who do that.

It is a "work on".

[Jager]

Seems to me the ideal relationship is one where both partners have their own interests - passions that absorb significant amounts of time (and the full support of their partner to pursue them); as well as a reasonable degree of shared interests, which they enjoy together. The mythical 'balance' everyone always talks about.

My observation is that most couples have too little of the former. One, and in some cases both, individuals have few or no real interests. And in cases where only one person likes to go off and do things, the one at home is often jealous or becomes resentful.

The other thing that is interesting, especially among couples where only one was working outside the home, is that the stay-at-home individual becomes resentful when their partner retires and the economic calculus changes. I know in my case, my wife became very unhappy when I told her I was no longer going to be sending several-hundred-dollar checks to our thirty-something kids on their birthdays; nor spending the very large sums at Christmas that have been the norm.

"Santa Claus" has died, was how I put it.

Sounds like some or all of that is applicable to your situation, Brewer. I don't know what the answer is, other than suggesting that a calm, reasoned - but blunt - discussion with your wife is in order.

One thing is for sure, I certainly wouldn't be contemplating a return to the slow torture of a day job.

I'm with you on the therapy BS...

[FIRE'd@51]

Brewer,

On another thread, where you asked about "cover stories" for a 40-year old retiree, I suggested you tell people you are a private investor; which you dismissed, saying you didn't want to do startups. Being a private investor can also include spending more time managing your own portfolio. I would think you have a substantial portfolio, or you wouldn't have retired in the first place. If your investment expertise is as good as you have led us to believe over the years, you should be able to add value to your portfolio by devoting more time to it. Why not let that be your part-time job? Then you can tell DW that spending more time actively managing the portfolio is adding value to the family's finances.

[imoldernu]

Great thread...

I'd never presume to give advice on matters of the heart.
Sharing our 56yrs married... 25 of which we were unemployed... Set to's are inevitable... our solution came when we found Homer... languishing in the window of a Salvation Army store... right after we retired.

When we have "discussions" that seem to go nowhere, we automatically speak to... and through.. Homer. Our friends, neighbors and family all know and speak to Homer, and on occasion borrow his services. A bit strange to some, I suppose, but works for us...

Homer:

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FIRE'd@51 Brewer, On another thread, where you asked about "cover stories" for a 40-year old retiree, I suggested you tell people you are a private investor; which you dismissed, saying you didn't want to do startups. Being a private investor can also include spending more time managing your own portfolio. I would think you have a substantial portfolio, or you wouldn't have retired in the first place. If your investment expertise is as good as you have led us to believe over the years, you should be able to add value to your portfolio by devoting more time to it. Why not let that be your part-time job? Then you can tell DW that spending more time actively managing the portfolio is adding value to the family's finances.

That would not get me out of close proximity.

I suppose I could tell everyone I have a job and just disappear at the same time every dat,

[Gotadimple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 That would not get me out of close proximity. I suppose I could tell everyone I have a job and just disappear at the same time every dat,

Brewer,
I think you have an answer - proximity. At least in the short term, you both need space for several hours during the day.

The next question is, how do you find space, and is going out and making money the only way to get space? I'm not against earning money, but, if what you have is sufficient, why put yourself in a position where your life is controlled by someone else because money is the motivator for performance?

If you have not yet read Ernie Zelinski's books, I encourage you to do so. How to Retire Happy Wild and Free is a good one. He writes about what to do with your time when earning a living is no longer part of the equation.

So the next question is what is your passion, beyond hunting? Can you help others? Yes, I am speaking of volunteering. Forewarned is forearmed: most organizations will not use your skills and talents and you won't be in charge. That's not the point: what can you do to help? how much time do they need you? Is it moderately interesting? Does it give you some pleasure to know that you have helped?

The final question is long-term how do you and your wife come to live together? Short-term getting away from each other will help, but what are you two going to do about it in the long-term?

Rita

[aja8888]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 That would not get me out of close proximity. I suppose I could tell everyone I have a job and just disappear at the same time every dat,

Brewer, are you the member here that has written a couple of articles that were published on Seeking Alpha?

If you are, why not make that into a part time gig and get a cheap office space off site and set it up for your research and publishing. Or, just join the Elks and hang out with them? Another alternative is to pick up a part time job at Home Depot.

[brewer12345]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gotadimple Brewer, I think you have an answer - proximity. At least in the short term, you both need space for several hours during the day. The next question is, how do you find space, and is going out and making money the only way to get space? I'm not against earning money, but, if what you have is sufficient, why put yourself in a position where your life is controlled by someone else because money is the motivator for performance? Rita

None of that matters. If I am not helping with the kids/house apparently that is a problem. I could give a crap about earning money, but perhaps that would provide an acceptable cover story to get out of the house.

At this point I am still livid that she picked a fight two days ago over nothing while my sister and her family are visiting. Once they depart on a side trip I am out of here. And perhaps I will return the favor by picking a fight this weekend when her sister is in town.

[Ready]

Quote:

Originally Posted by imoldernu Great thread... I'd never presume to give advice on matters of the heart. Sharing our 56yrs married... 25 of which we were unemployed... Set to's are inevitable... our solution came when we found Homer... languishing in the window of a Salvation Army store... right after we retired. When we have "discussions" that seem to go nowhere, we automatically speak to... and through.. Homer. Our friends, neighbors and family all know and speak to Homer, and on occasion borrow his services. A bit strange to some, I suppose, but works for us... Homer:

I really like that! Very clever. Thanks for sharing.

[golfnut]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 None of that matters. If I am not helping with the kids/house apparently that is a problem. I could give a crap about earning money, but perhaps that would provide an acceptable cover story to get out of the house. At this point I am still livid that she picked a fight two days ago over nothing while my sister and her family are visiting. Once they depart on a side trip I am out of here. And perhaps I will return the favor by picking a fight this weekend when her sister is in town.

My advice. Wait until the guests leave, go out with the wife and have a civil discussion.

[Meadbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 None of that matters. If I am not helping with the kids/house apparently that is a problem. I could give a crap about earning money, but perhaps that would provide an acceptable cover story to get out of the house. At this point I am still livid that she picked a fight two days ago over nothing while my sister and her family are visiting. Once they depart on a side trip I am out of here. And perhaps I will return the favor by picking a fight this weekend when her sister is in town.

Brewer, now you are being childish. I hope you and DW can communicate like adults.

[Ready]

Brewer, it's time to ask yourself "How much fun am I to live with?"

[Calico]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 None of that matters. If I am not helping with the kids/house apparently that is a problem. I could give a crap about earning money, but perhaps that would provide an acceptable cover story to get out of the house. At this point I am still livid that she picked a fight two days ago over nothing while my sister and her family are visiting. Once they depart on a side trip I am out of here. And perhaps I will return the favor by picking a fight this weekend when her sister is in town.

Perhaps a separation is in order. This is not a healthy environment for the children to be subjected to any longer.

[ivinsfan]

I remember the "cover story" thread and several people, including myself, asked if your DW was really on board with you retiring. These issues haven't just popped up out of the blue. Six weeks after you achieved the most important part of your work plan, ER,and nobody is happy and you are planning payback fights. Ouch...

You haven't really mentioned the source of your disagreements, but I'm guessing the actual cause of the spats, isn't the real problem. I hope the 2 of you can talk honestly and good luck with sorting things out.

[sheehs1]

Take a small break, maybe a week vacation somewhere. Sounds like you both may need a bit of perspective. Offer her the same in return so she doesn't feel put upon with that!

For the record: I anticipate some issues when my husband retires. I'm used to my space. Should be interesting.

[Rustic23]

DW and I seldom fought before we retired, and still don't. There may be a slight increase, but then there is more opportunity. On average we get cross with each other once or twice a year.

Now for the unsolicited advice. Solve the problem now. If you take a job, are you prepared to work for the rest of your life to avoid the problem?

[kombat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brewer12345 I think counseling in general is bullshit and have no interest in it.

You think counselling as a profession is bullshit, and you married a counsellor? And you're surprised there's strife?

[daylatedollarshort]

We have always had issues over housework / time management once we had kids. I told DH about the comment in this thread on "apparently all my time has to be accounted for" and we had a good laugh because that sounds just like us.

I won't say we have solved these issues, but so far this is what helped:

Having a schedule and dividing up the work fairly between both of us and the kids. Putting the schedule in a spreadsheet and putting the sheet on the fridge. My FIL told me to do this after a visit and observing what went on in our house.

Research based couples communication training: using time outs when flooded, processing disagreements using the speaker listener technique when calm:

Relationship Experts -The Gottman Institute | Science-based support for couples & the professionals who help them

https://www.prepinc.com/

According to the Gottman and Prep Inc. research, processing disagreements in a positive way, if both spouses are motivated to do so, this is a skill that can be learned, just like driving a car or playing tennis.

A few points of interest from the Gottman training:

Most couples have issues, some will be irresolvable, like one person is a slob and one is neat. Sometimes divorce just trades one set of issue for another. For many, conflict resolution skills may offer a lasting solution.

Men tend to have more issues with emotional flooding than women, and honoring time outs when flooding occurs, and learning to self sooth is an important part of peaceful conflict resolution.

Taking a walk, a twenty minute break to do crossword puzzles, and/or having a cup of calming peppermint or chamomile tea can help with self soothing.

Constant arguing in the home causes unhealthy stress levels in children.

[razztazz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ready Brewer, it's time to ask yourself "How much fun am I to live with?"

Mrs Brewer might ask herself the same question.

[Meadbh]

100 posts in 26 hours. A provocative thread, yes, but also, Brewer, know that many friends are concerned and want to help. The real question is, when it comes to relationships, do you really want help, or are you just interested in avoiding the issue?