Mother-in-law Advice

[Dash man]

I think the best solution is to ask one of the kids to "help Grandma" by putting away her dishes. Teaches the kid some respect and responsibility toward elders, and gets Grandma off the hook. Bonus would be if she says "No, dear, I'll do it myself." But don't hold your breath.

+100
Exactly what I was thinking. Why rock the boat

 

[Rianne]

I'd be thankful that this is your biggest MIL problem

+3 My DN supports her MIL financially, completely. Her MIL is physically very healthy. Will probably live a very long time. Cherish you MIL, thank her for all her help with your children.

 

[CRLLS]

Don't sweat the small stuff, And it is all small stuff.

I have seen many family "issues" arise out of stacking somebody else's Dishwasher. The home owner has their way that works for them. I don't bother to load the dishwasher. Some pre-rinse, others have a way of stacking. Personally I take the plates to the counter near that dishwasher and let them figure out even at home.

 

[Bestwifeever]

We can get over little issues with our own parents or kids as that bond cannot ordinarily be broken. Confrontations with inlaws may never be overcome and this could turn into one. Let it go and cheerfully wait on her when she is at your home (especially as it sounds like she makes your lives a bit easier—focus on that side of her).

 

[Freedom56]

My advice is keep the peace with your mother-in-law. It will pay off more than you can imagine as you get older. I get along great with my MIL and FIL and always have. Now after 27 years, she always has my back to sometimes the frustration of my wife.

 

[aja8888]

i'd be thankful that this is your biggest mil problem

this ^^^^

 

[MRG]

Sounds like a zero to minus ten. Best case you get rid of a minor annoyance, worst case(a downgraded MIL, whom may not be as pleasant?)? Maybe MIL knows something about DW you don't.

 

[bigcmagor]

I would love to be able to clear dishes enjoyed by my departed MIL. After all, she whelped and raised the love of my life.

 

[NYEXPAT]

I have had two MIL's and both times early on I raised the sword of Damocles!

 

[Gallaher]

Wait until you have some real tragedy in your life....you will eventually, we all do. You will long to clean up your MILs dishes.
Remember your post to this forum. One day you will see the how trivial your complaints are. By the way, your are just displaying human nature.
No big deal.

 

[ponyboy]

Just stop feeding her dinner. Simple as that.

Also...how often does MIL invite your family over for dinner that she prepares? Its a two way street. One wayers get hit head on imo.

 

[Walt34]

I'd be thankful that this is your biggest MIL problem

That's my take on it too. If that's the worst thing she does I wouldn't let it bother me. It won't take much searching online to find some real horror MIL stories and that'll make you grateful for the one you have.

 

[Car-Guy]

If it really bugs you that much, "politely" ask your oldest child "to help out" and clean "grandmas" dishes when they clean theirs. Maybe then she'll get the idea. If not just "let it go"....



PO'd MIL = PO'd DW = Dog House for you.

 

[Throwdownmyaceinthehole]

My friend and I were just having this discussion today! We have both found it best to almost act like a stranger/guest at our daughters houses. It seems best for us to stay neutral on any housecleaning/decorating/shopping etc. If you want us to do something, just ask, mostly we don't want to intrude.

 

[gwraigty]

PO'd MIL = PO'd DW = Dog House for you.

Not necessarily. OP hasn't been back at this point to clarify much, including if his DW and kids enjoy a close, loving relationship with his MIL. Maybe so. Maybe MIL moved to be near them to mooch off them. We don't really know.

How often is MIL having meals with them? Once a month? Once a week? Every night? How often is MIL picking up the kids from school or providing other help and care for them? Lots of info missing that would give a much clearer picture of the situation.

I find it hard to believe that such a minor thing could cause such strong feelings. My guess is that there's more to this that isn't being said.

 

[joeea]

If this was a one time deal I would say eh whatever. But it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. She has dinner or meals at our house fairly regularly and she never lifts a finger, either setting the table, helping make the meals or cleaning up afterwards. This is the way it has been for five years since she has bought the house in our town.

And your wife says what to her mother about this?

Feel bothered if you must. But let your wife deal with her mom. If she tolerates it, you bite our tongue, smile, and be thankful that MIL helps you out occasionally.

 

[Music Lover]

The old saying "choose your battles wisely" was never more fitting than in this situation.

 

[NW-Bound]

So is this reasonable for me to be this bugged by it?

Yes.

Should I just ignore it, and be thankful that she takes care of the kids every once in a while?

Yes. I know it's hard for you, but try to let it go.

If I let pet peeves like this bother me too much, I would be estranged from my siblings too, not just my inlaws.

 

[jollystomper]

No one is "perfect". I would focus on the good things she is doing. This "bad" may more be, as some described, her not wanting to interfere, and not due to any laziness. There are probably minor things that you do that she might not agree with, but does not think it is a big deal.

My DW had the exact opposite "problem" with my mother, she thought my mom was too helpful with things when she visited, and took this as my mother not thinking she could manage a home, and it nagged at her for several years. Then one day, DW noticed for the first time how *happy* my mom was while she was doing these things... and realized this was a way mom expressed love towards her.

Look at it for the long run... very likely one day you will be at your MIL's funeral. Will you be thinking about the times she did not clear her plates after her meal, or of all the ways she helped you, your wife, and your children?

 

[ivinsfan]

I don't think you really like your MIL. Why did you make the snide side remark about her having "second and third" helpings? What does that have to do with anything? She did your family a solid favor picking up the kids at school, sat and played a game with the kids while you cooked. However you're bent out of shape because she doesn't carry her plate to the kitchen. You know a MIL just can't win, if you go in the kitchen and start doing things on your own you are interfering and if you sit and enjoy your grandkids and don't do anything else you're lazy and disrespectful. Geez.

Give it a rest and don't bother mentioning it to your wife, cause you'll just sound whiny..



.

Are your parents nearby and if so how do you handle this with them?

 

[Good_Life]

I sat down together with my wife this evening and read all your responses after we put the kids to bed (my wife is actually probably more annoyed by her mother's tendencies then I am). I really appreciate all your insights and humor! Not that my pet peeve is really a huge deal or would require therapy, but I swear you would all be better than therapists. My wife now knows why I spend time reading things on this forum so often, there really a lot of intelligent and respectful people on here.

It's also possible that your MIL "doesn't want to impose" and it manifests itself in just not doing anything. She may be nervous or intimidated by your competence (could be a reason for eating more). She may have grown up in a family where women were territorial around their homes, etc. There's actually a lot of potential reasons beyond entitlement, and if her heart is generally in the right place, I'm betting one of those is more likely. Does your wife have any insight?

And of course, if she's helping, you run the risk of her doing it "wrong", so caveat emptor!

Both my wife and I thought this was really insightful and I think probably hit the nail on the head. My MIL is a little awkward and definitely has confidence issues and a fear of "doing in wrong" to a unhealthy degree, so I think there is definitely an element of this in her behavior.

I can also definitely see as some have mentioned that I would also be equally annoyed and perhaps more so if she was at the other extreme and was too helpful (which may make me feel like I can't take care of things). This definitely put things in perspective.

I can also appreciate those that commented on the trivial nature of my annoyance. She frankly does quite a few things that do annoy me but all those things really are trivial. I do REALLY appreciate and should focus on how she is a kind and fun grandmother to my three children, which is really what is most important.

I really did like the suggestions of having my kids take her plate for her. It will help teach my kids how to be a good host, and show respect for their elders. That sounds like a win in my book.

 

[Good_Life]

Yes and yes.

There is nothing to be gained. If you could get in a joke then maybe you stand a chance, but it’s a risky maneuver. Something like after the second child clears off their dish, you say, okay mom, your turn. But be really quick with the move toward her plate and a just kidding comment. High risk, low reward. I wouldn’t risk it, but if it bothers you that much, let us know how it goes.

Ha ha! I love this and REALLY want to try it.... My wife definitely said no though

 

[Good_Life]

Wait until you have some real tragedy in your life....you will eventually, we all do. You will long to clean up your MILs dishes.
Remember your post to this forum. One day you will see the how trivial your complaints are. By the way, your are just displaying human nature.
No big deal.

I appreciated this comment too, you are right me and my kids I'm sure would long to pick up her plate for her after she is gone....

 

[spncity]

I think the best solution is to ask one of the kids to "help Grandma" by putting away her dishes. Teaches the kid some respect and responsibility toward elders, and gets Grandma off the hook. Bonus would be if she says "No, dear, I'll do it myself." But don't hold your breath.

Interesting discussion. Society somewhat sets us up to expect conflict with or to be oversensitive to in-law relationships.

Absent more information from OP, the above suggestion might work. But don't use a child to "say words" to grandma... ie., the child should not be used to deliver an adult's message to the child's grandmother - OP's MIL - that MIL should scrape her plate. That's triangulating - which messes with the relationship between the innocent child and the grandmother, and is not something you want to model for the kids.

While OP or the one of the kid's clears grandma's plate, OP can say to MIL, "I'd just like to tell you again how much I appreciate your picking up the kids. And I love it that our kids have a chance to grow up with a grandparent in their lives."

A plus - she loves your cooking! Three helpings of good food may be less harmful than what she's snacking on at home. And studies have shown that eating broccoli in isolation is not as healthy as eating less healthy food "in relationship."

 

[ivinsfan]

I sat down together with my wife this evening and read all your responses after we put the kids to bed (my wife is actually probably more annoyed by her mother's tendencies then I am). I really appreciate all your insights and humor! Not that my pet peeve is really a huge deal or would require therapy, but I swear you would all be better than therapists. My wife now knows why I spend time reading things on this forum so often, there really a lot of intelligent and respectful people on here.



Both my wife and I thought this was really insightful and I think probably hit the nail on the head. My MIL is a little awkward and definitely has confidence issues and a fear of "doing in wrong" to a unhealthy degree, so I think there is definitely an element of this in her behavior.

I can also definitely see as some have mentioned that I would also be equally annoyed and perhaps more so if she was at the other extreme and was too helpful (which may make me feel like I can't take care of things). This definitely put things in perspective.

I can also appreciate those that commented on the trivial nature of my annoyance. She frankly does quite a few things that do annoy me but all those things really are trivial. I do REALLY appreciate and should focus on how she is a kind and fun grandmother to my three children, which is really what is most important.

I really did like the suggestions of having my kids take her plate for her. It will help teach my kids how to be a good host, and show respect for their elders. That sounds like a win in my book.

You know I have two DD that I busted my A$% for and I was a good Mom. They are both well adjusted, graduated from a great school (with no debt.) and has given us beautiful GK's. Having said that if I knew that behind my back they were saying crap like..OMG Mom didn't take her plate to the kitchen and did you notice she took seconds..WTH how irritating, I'd be royally anoyed. Your wife in not a kind person to complain about petty crap like this.

She did your family a favor, enjoyed time with her GKs and ate a meal. You did mention she said Thank you for her supper. Unless there are bad childhood issues or past neglect, you both should be ashamed of yourselves. You both sound like a couple of Jr High mean girls..

That you read the responses to her daughter and you both have a good laugh over them isn't cool. Is this really about a plate, some silverware and a dirty glass?

BTW I'm pretty sure that you "do a few things" that annoy your MIL but hopefully she isn't keeping score or holding them against you. Or maybe you are the "perfect" SIL...