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Old 03-14-2018, 03:36 PM   #41
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REWahoo: Glad to know she is back home safe.

Regards,
Rick
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:39 PM   #42
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This happened to my aunt a few years ago. Her kids (my cousins) knew she was getting bad but none were willing to be the bad guy and take away the keys. One night she left in the middle of the night. Her son, who is mentally deficient, lived with her and saw her leave but did nothing to stop her. He didn't understand the danger to her. When she had not returned the next morning, he called his sister and asked "where did Mom go last night"? A search ensured. She was finally found later the next day in another state - far more than 100 miles away. She, too, had run out of gas and was discovered by the police. She had not eaten. She had soiled herself. She was completely oblivious to what was going on. She was returned home safely and put into an Alzheimer/Memory Care facility shortly thereafter. This had not been the first time this had happened, but was by far the most serious incident to occur. She was no longer safe at home. Sometimes, you just gotta be the bad guy.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:50 PM   #43
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I doubt my input would do anything more than antagonize her as she doesn't hold me in high regard. Plus she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her driving.
You getting involved while the son stands by and observes is not a good way to deal with this. Losing the keys and disabling the car seem to be simple first steps. Perhaps you can nudge him into doing that.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:50 PM   #44
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...Perhaps I am expecting too much when I suggest the car keys get lost? That seems a simple, straightforward solution - at least temporarily - to the immediate problem...
A very temporary solution, if she is still capable of calling a mechanic or finding a way to get a replacement key. Or has an extra key set hidden.

Once a person becomes totally helpless, it's easier. The problem is the bad things that can happen up until that point.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:53 PM   #45
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When my friend had Alzheimer's she was going to the store and buying things she didn't want and then accusing her DH of buying all that stuff. Eventually I convinced him to sell one of the cars and hide the keys to that one. That worked.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:54 PM   #46
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A very temporary solution, if she is still capable of calling a mechanic or finding a way to get a replacement key. Or has an extra key set hidden.

Once a person becomes totally helpless, it's easier. The problem is the bad things that can happen up until that point.
If she lives with the nephew, he can make sure the keys stay lost. If he can arrange for Uber to transport her, she might find that to be a workable option.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:54 PM   #47
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A very temporary solution, if she is still capable of calling a mechanic or finding a way to get a replacement key. Or has an extra key set hidden.
I don't think she has the capability to do either.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:57 PM   #48
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Perhaps the best solution is to lose the keys or disable the car somehow, and then stall, hinder and delay at getting the car "fixed" or somehow get her to think that it would be very expensive to fix it so she'll decide it is best to sell it. I dunno. Just thinking out loud.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:57 PM   #49
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I think the GPS vehicle locator is a good tool but probably too late for this situation. Someone who becomes lost and drives around until they run out of gas doesn't need to be behind the wheel ever again.
Like everyone else, I am very glad that she is home safe. My Mother was headstrong and her vision was poor, but she did not want to give up the freedom her car gave her. She finally sideswiped a parked car, and somehow my two local brothers got the keys, then got her to sign the bill of sale and title when they sold it. It made her quite angry, but it took more than a mother's anger to dissuade them and she eventually got over it. Where our family home was taxis were easy, and my sister lived right there and so it was not really a very big deal in external reality, but I think mainly a symbolic loss to her.

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Old 03-14-2018, 04:00 PM   #50
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If he can arrange for Uber to transport her, she might find that to be a workable option.
I've suggested that as well. Just not that optimistic he's willing to be firm with his mom, but maybe a few more days of missed work trying to find her and dealing with the local police will help him build his courage.
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My sister-in-law is missing - again
Old 03-14-2018, 04:04 PM   #51
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My sister-in-law is missing - again

Glad to hear she was ok. While the full solution is very complicated, the GPS suggestion seems like a very easy short term hack. I'm looking at the Orbit key finder I was given for Christmas by DD and it is so unobtrusive that it could be deployed easily. I think the Tile device is similar. Newer cars have apps that show location and fuel level. Or maybe DD is concerned for my well being.
Edit: On further investigation, the Orbit range is not suitable for this but Tile might be.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:05 PM   #52
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Good to hear that she has been found safe and sound. All the best on whatever actions you and her family take to improve the situation.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:08 PM   #53
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Perhaps the best solution is to lose the keys or disable the car somehow, and then stall, hinder and delay at getting the car "fixed" ....
We were about to do that with FIL (disconnect the battery ground wire at the engine so it would "look normal") but then he admitted it was "making a noise" and asked me to take a look at it. By the time I was at the end of the driveway I knew what it was - it was the metal brake pad backing plates grinding grooves into the rotors!

I explained what that meant and he accepted it. By then he didn't have the money to repair it and wouldn't ask anyone else to give him the money so that's how that ended. The car needed so many other repairs the total was more than the car was worth so DW donated it.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:42 PM   #54
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I've suggested that as well. Just not that optimistic he's willing to be firm with his mom, but maybe a few more days of missed work trying to find her and dealing with the local police will help him build his courage.
Sounds like that nephew is in denial. What a shame. She may need more help in the future, and living in his house, he's in the perfect position to help.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:48 PM   #55
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REWahoo, glad to hear she is safe. Hopefully you can make an impact on decisions moving forward. Tough situation.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:11 PM   #56
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It's a tough situation. My brother who lives 5 hours away kept whining at me to take the keys, but he wouldn't even tell dad over the phone that he needed to stop driving. I told him a few times. He would have none of it. Went to the DMV and got his license renewed - at age 96. For free!

Truth is, I rode with my dad and my brother and my dad was a much better driver. But, things worked out in the end. Battery died. Dad called AAA 3 different times. He finally gave up and stopped driving. Died 6 months later. Once he lost the independence his car gave him, he seemed to go downhill fast.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:25 PM   #57
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Great news she is back and nothing bad happened. That is a tough deal when you need to take away their car. I had to do it my mother and it wasn't easy but needed to be done.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:34 PM   #58
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My sister-in-law, age 82, is missing and this isn't the first time she's disappeared. She left in her car at 7:30 PM yesterday and didn't return home.

She is a widow (my brother died in a car accident in 2004) who lives with my nephew and his wife in a large city and seems to anyone who meets her to be totally fine both mentally and physically. That's clearly not so as she has, on at least three occasions over the past year, decided to drive to the grocery store or some other local destination, departing either in the evening or late at night, becoming confused and lost. Each time the police found her and got her home. Once she was stopped at 2AM going the wrong way on a one-way street. Her son and his wife are unwilling (so far) to do anything to prevent this from happening beyond talking to her, which obviously isn't working. I think he is afraid of his mother, something you wouldn't expect from a man in his late 50's. Or maybe he doesn't want to be saddled with the responsibility of taking her on errands and listening to her complain she can't drive. But whatever the case, it is frustrating and scary.

Yes, I have pointed out to him she is a danger to both herself and to other people. I've asked him how he would feel if she injured or killed someone. I've discussed with him the need to get her to a doctor but he says she refuses as they are all “quacks.” I've suggested hiding her car keys or disabling her car but he has so far not given any indication he is willing take any action. DW says I've shown "remarkable restraint" in resisting the urge to scream at him during these discussions...

The police have been notified she is missing. Hopefully she will turn up soon before something bad happens. And maybe, just maybe, this time my nephew will finally grow a pair and do something!
I read the entire thread, glad she is back this time.

If you care enough, write a letter to her DMV explaining she is a danger on the road, let them decide if she needs a test or not.

Should she fail a test and lose her license, then when police pick her up again for driving 100's of miles randomly, perhaps her dear son will get the message picking her up at the police station.

Maybe her son is ignoring the situation, perhaps because he does not want to spend the money he is afraid would be spent if she needs real care. After all it's his inheritance at risk.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:46 PM   #59
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If you care enough, write a letter to her DMV explaining she is a danger on the road, let them decide if she needs a test or not.
I'm going to give my nephew a day or two to see if he will step up. If not, I will contact the DMV.

My concern is she can probably pass the vision and driving tests as that's not where her cognitive impairment shows up - at least not until she's been out driving around all night, sleep-deprived, dehydrated and confused.
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Old 03-14-2018, 06:16 PM   #60
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Update: She is home safe. She ran out of gas around noon, about 100 miles from home. A good Samaritan stopped to see why she was stopped on the side of the road, realized something wasn't right and called 911. The police called my nephew who went to pick her up.
Wow! So she'd been driving around since 7:30PM and finally ran out of gas at noon?!?!?

OMG What a nightmare!
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