My sister-in-law is missing - again

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo I talked with my nephew and was happy to learn he'd "lost" his mom's car keys for her. No surprise, after her 18 hours as a missing person and finding her via a police BOLO notice, SIL was not upset or remorseful. She told my nephew and the police officer that she had been on "a little adventure" and would not say (probably didn't remember) where she had been during that time. When the police officer asked if she would do her a favor and ask her son or his wife to give her a ride the next time she wanted to go somewhere, her response was "Hell no. I'm not giving up my independence!" The cop told my nephew the police could do nothing without something in writing from a doctor. I was pleased to learn that, in addition to hiding her keys, the nephew and his sister have a plan. SIL has refused to see a doctor for years but has developed an eating problem (hiatial hernia?) that has gotten to the point she wants some help. She has agreed to see a doc and they have an appointment for her next week. The doc specializes in geriatric medicine so they are hopeful he can diagnose her dementia/mental issues as well as help her medical situation. SIL has a LTCI policy and getting the doc to diagnose her should allow nephew and niece to utilize that to pay for some help for her - or get her in a memory care facility. My nephew's walking on eggshells, hoping his mom doesn't decide she needs to drive somewhere in the interim, forcing an issue with not being able to find her keys. He fears that will lead her to refuse to go to the doc out of concern they are trying to take away her independence. On a side note, nephew said he discovered recently that she had never bothered to take the proceeds from his dad's life insurance when he died in 2004. He found out when someone notified him the state had over $100K in unclaimed funds in his mom's name - the insurance company had turned the money over to the state.

REWahoo, so far your nephew has a terrific plan, IMO. I am hoping that he sees the doctor with her, and that she ends up in a memory care facility because they can assist her with other problems resulting from memory difficulties. Like, taking pills on time? forgetting meals? Forgetting to wash her clothes? Who knows what might occur - - I have never dealt with any one with memory problems but my imagination tells me that there must be a lot of issues besides getting lost.

So glad she was found and is OK.

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo I'm going to give my nephew a day or two to see if he will step up. If not, I will contact the DMV. My concern is she can probably pass the vision and driving tests as that's not where her cognitive impairment shows up - at least not until she's been out driving around all night, sleep-deprived, dehydrated and confused.

Good luck if they are in Texas. (Maybe this should be added to the list of why not to move to Texas) Believe it or not, I know someone who was "legally" blind and still had a drivers license here in in Texas. He was in his early 90's and I do believe he was restricted to no freeway driving and daytime driving only. I know he could still see "somewhat" and "apparently" could meet the minimums with corrective lens, but come-on man.

[Bestwifeever]

Sounds like a lot of realistic thinking has been done at your nephew's house, REWahoo. Good progress! And wow that life insurance will help if the LTCi doesn't kick in right away.

[FireFool]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walt34 We were about to do that with FIL (disconnect the battery ground wire at the engine so it would "look normal") but then he admitted it was "making a noise" and asked me to take a look at it. By the time I was at the end of the driveway I knew what it was - it was the metal brake pad backing plates grinding grooves into the rotors!

This can be another sign of diminished physical ability - driving two footed, one on the accelerator the other on the brake - no longer having the confidence/agility to move the right foot from one pedal to another. Constant pressure on the brake can boil the brake fluid and cause loss of brake function. Something else to watch for.

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireFool This can be another sign of diminished physical ability - driving two footed, one on the accelerator the other on the brake - no longer having the confidence/agility to move the right foot from one pedal to another. .

That's how (2 footed) most professional race car drivers drive. (e.g. NASCAR) But I'd agree most people driving on public roads use just their right foot for the accelerator and the brake. Of course if you are driving with a standard transmission you can use your left foot for the clutch (unless you know how to float the gears, then you don't need to use the clutch that much)

[Teacher Terry]

When my Dad had a big stroke at 59 he came home, crumpled his driver's license and threw it while saying "I will never drive again." He loved to drive so it was sad. My Mom was always safe to drive. When I can't drive anymore I will just use Uber.

[pb4uski]

Good progress... but nephew may so want to disable the car... ideally in a way where it will turn over but not start.... in case she has another set of keys or asks for them.... then they can say that the car is "broken" and needs some repairs to further stall the issue.

Maybe pull one more critical fuses? fuel pump fuse? Or disconnect the ignition coil wire if it is an older car.

[REWahoo]

Sadly, nephew is mechanically challenged. He might be able to let the air out of all her tires and claim the car was vandalized.

[NW-Bound]

My mother's driving skill has been deteriorating. Her short-term memory is also bad. However, she is not demented. Just now, she stopped by for me to check her car steering. Said it felt heavy. I popped the hood and found that the steering fluid was low. She has always been able to tell if her car drives differently.

I still do not want her to drive as much as she does. She can't stay home, and has to go to different stores every day just to look.

My wife and I do not want to go out unless we have to. When we are up in our high-country boondocks home, the car may be parked for 2 weeks for the stay. My mother would stir crazy.

[pb4uski]

That will someday be my issue. 87 yo mother who still lives alone goes to store every day to walk... she doesn't feel safe on uneven sidewalks and likes using a shopping cart as a walker. I'm glad that she wants to get the exercise and if she need some things then she can pick them up at the same time.

Last year, there was a small dent in the rear quarter panel of her mini-van (2002 with 40k miles). I asked her about it and she said that her and another car bumped in a parking lot... both backing up at the same time. I am on alert but nothing since then so I suspect that is what happened.

[NW-Bound]

When they have a self-driving car, my mother may be among the first to get one.

Then, she can just tell the robot car "Drive me all around town for sightseeing". Then, she can even doze off while it drives her all over this huge metropolitan area.

[meierlde]

Since you can buy on-star or equivalent devices that include gps in might make sense in cases where the problem has not yet occured to buy one. It also provides the crash alerting. But for example in the case cited if someone disappears, you could call on start and get a location, or the police could do so. Also a big safety factor if someone gets lost they could always call on-star and get directions back home.

[Scrapr]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo I was pleased to learn that, in addition to hiding her keys, the nephew and his sister have a plan. SIL has refused to see a doctor for years but has developed an eating problem (hiatial hernia?) that has gotten to the point she wants some help. She has agreed to see a doc and they have an appointment for her next week. The doc specializes in geriatric medicine so they are hopeful he can diagnose her dementia/mental issues as well as help her medical situation. SIL has a LTCI policy and getting the doc to diagnose her should allow nephew and niece to utilize that to pay for some help for her - or get her in a memory care facility.:

It may be a bit difficult to get her straight from home to a Memory care unit. There is a progression of care units. And my understanding is if you are in a lower care unit it is a bit easier to slide into MC. In the medium size town where Dad is the Assisted Living places were helpful in calling other facilities to place into MC. But don't wait for an emergency to find a MC unit. It takes a bit of diagnosis and testing to get in

[Out of Steam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo Sadly, nephew is mechanically challenged. He might be able to let the air out of all her tires and claim the car was vandalized.

Might be something to ask a neighbor (or a mechanic) to do. The old go-to was taking the rotor out from under the distributor cap, but that one doesn't work any more with coils on each spark plug.

[Walt34]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Out of Steam Might be something to ask a neighbor (or a mechanic) to do. The old go-to was taking the rotor out from under the distributor cap, but that one doesn't work any more with coils on each spark plug.

Hmm... Is the ignition system on a separate circuit? Maybe just pull the fuse for that.

[swakyaby]

Often, taking the car keys or disabling the car are only short-term solutions. In my mother's case, she managed to get another set of keys, possibly by contacting the Toyota service center. When my brother disabled the car, she managed to get the car towed to the dealership, whereupon they SOLD HER A BRAND NEW CAR!!! and took her car as a trade-in. My brother was furious at the dealership for taking advantage, but the dealership held firm saying the paperwork was signed and she was an adult.

Despite the DMV suspending her license, she continued to drive and endanger others. Prior to taking the car away entirely, my brother asked her doctor to sign a note saying she could not drive. He referred her to a neurologist who did a mental exam. The neurologist somewhat reluctantly wrote a note stating mom was not capable of managing her own financial affairs and was at risk of being deceived by others, as though he understood the gravity of taking away one's independence. At that point, my brother quietly moved her car to my sister's house 400 miles away.

The fury my mother unleashed on my brother must have been very painful. She declared he was not her son. She called the local police and accused him of stealing from her and stealing her car. Two sherif's deputies showed up at my brother's home, very stern, and looked inside his garage for the "stolen" car. When he showed them the neurologist's note, they relaxed and advised him to keep that note with him everywhere he goes, and they left. She never drove again.

It sounds like your nephew is living the nightmare and doing what he can.

[rodi]

ReWahoo - I didn't read this thread when it was first posted. I don't know if you recall... We had some issues with my MIL, and eventually ended up with my husband becoming her legal guardian.... against her wishes. Fortunately, she never drove.. never had a license... so on the few occasions she got confused, she was on foot... and the search radius was smaller.

Good luck to your nephew and family. This is not fun.

[ncbill]

I was able to use a formal evaluation from the rehab program at our local hospital (which usually worked to get people back to being able to drive) to convince mom "officially" that she should no longer drive (mysterious dents had begun to appear on the front fenders of her vehicle)

[Breedlove]

This is not that uncommon , a couple weeks ago a cousin of mine called ( from another state ) asked me if I knew this guy ....NO . He said his 88 year old mother had been talking to him on facebook and this guy told my aunt he was a drummer for me . I don't have a drummer . But this guy told my aunt that he was broke down and needed money so she went to Walmart and got some money sent to him . Now my cousin tells me this has got up to 3000.00 sent to this character . He went to the county sheriff and the sheriff cannot do nothing unless my aunt complains or my cousin becomes her guardian . Since then my cousins daughter has turned my aunts computer to mush , destroyed her ability to use FB. but my aunt who always was this nice little lady has turned into a hell raising cussing demon. She no longer wants any family around . She still talks to this guy on the phone and my cousin says still sends him money .

[Teacher Terry]

Dementia turns even the sweetest people into not very nice people. Sad that others will take advantage.