need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life

tryan said:
These two love birds need to cease all contact so they can move forward with their lives and stop revisiting the "fling" ..... All good things come to an end.
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The whole point was they were friends 20 yrs before any fling happened.
They had a lot of unique friend/group experience (nothing to do with sex).

So what I'm getting here from most posters is that it is impossible for them to be friends after the fling. If they had not had it, they'd still be friends.

I guess most people on here believe no amount of friendship, no matter how good the friendship, can ever survive a fling.

I will do what I said earlier, that is tell her I can't give an opinion and let her work it out for herself.

However, personally I believe it might be possible for them to remain friends. It really does not matter what I think as I won't be telling her. But I really do not believe their friendship has to be over, due to this.
I will be bumping into her socially in groups of friends from time to time and so she'll be asking more advice which I won't give her.

People tend to categorize others as bad if they cheat, and that is true to a point - they should not have done the deed - but it does not mean they are horrible people.
People tend to judge harshly, and I tend to be forgiving, I used to not be and I was more judgmental with a lot of things, but lately I have been more forgiving than I used to. I have tried to, at least. I am not perfect, by any means.
 
workburnout said:
I am not perfect, by any means.
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None of us are, so don't take the responses too harshly. Whether the two can remain friends depends entirely on them. Some can, others cannot. I suspect his being married will make that difficult, though.
 
MichaelB said:
None of us are, so don't take the responses too harshly. Whether the two can remain friends depends entirely on them. Some can, others cannot. I suspect his being married will make that difficult, though.
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Thank you. She helped me with a lot of serious issues I had unrelated to all this when we were a lot younger. This is the only thing she's ever done wrong of this magnitude in life. So I wanted to help her when she asked. I can't. Nothing I can do to help.

We all love each other as friends, due to shared history.

Yes we all did either/or sleazy or bad things at times, but we all did a lot of good too, for other people, in ways unrelated to all this.
He has had substance abuse problems off and on throughout life, and may get worse due to this but nothing I can do about that either. He made his bed now must lie in it, as the saying goes.
 
workburnout said:
I guess most people on here believe no amount of friendship, no matter how good the friendship, can ever survive a fling.
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I don't think that's the point being made. Very few of us are concerned with protecting the friendship between matt and kristi. I know I don't care.

The only relationship survival of consequence here is matt's marriage and family. And that relationship has a far greater chance if this is truly (hahaha) a one time slip and he wants to stay married, at least until his kids are grown.

Friendships can survive flings pretty often. Marriages, less so. Kristi should not be asking if she can, but if she should (and no, she shouldn't).
 
Aerides said:
I don't think that's the point being made. Very few of us are concerned with protecting the friendship between matt and kristi. I know I don't care.

The only relationship survival of consequence here is matt's marriage and family. And that relationship has a far greater chance if this is truly (hahaha) a one time slip and he wants to stay married, at least until his kids are grown.

Friendships can survive flings pretty often. Marriages, less so. Kristi should not be asking if she can, but if she should (and no, she shouldn't).
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That makes sense. He told her he does not want anyone to find out and wants to stay married. On the surface (to most people who don't know him) he has the perfect family - adorable kids, good job, not wealthy, but does pretty well.

I would never tell anyone. I don't count this forum as the story details and names were changed.

Kristi did say she does not want to hurt him or his family, as she still loves him as a friend -as all in our group of friends have 20 plus years - a platonic "love" - nothing romantic.
She is educated, well respected in the community as well, no one almost would believe she ever did that.

I am doubtful it is his first time either, I bet he has had other affairs, but that was never asked or discussed. I am only guessing he needed sex and his wife does not give him much anymore or maybe he feels unappreciated. Who knows.

He has made little comments (before all this happened) such as his wife wants him to do all this work with the kids while she runs errands, and that it's hard having kids. He makes small comments criticizing his wife behind her back, now and then. She's kind of controlling so he seemingly never comments negatively in front of her.

He makes mistakes, but loves his kids. Works hard to support them. Spends time with them in activities. In my opinion not that it matters either way, it is best that he stay married and raise them like he says he wants to do.
 
Run, don’t walk away from this train wreck.

Whether your Kristi or just her friend you need to stop making excuses and extending the drama. They should cut all contact immediately or the situation will repeat itself and his marriage will end. Period.
 
The marriage is the important factor especially with 2 young kids. The friendship is irrelevant.
 
My advice to Matt - that thing is a downspout not a compass.


My advice to Kristi - quit pretending you are not a little home wrecker and butt out, permanently.
 
When you begin the post wondering who had done crazy things in life, I thought you meant crazy things. It spiked my interest.

It's no big deal. I do not even think it's irresponsible. They did something that is completely legal, natural and human.

It is not much different than going to the store together. Hopefully they had a great time. It's no different than what the kids of the people that chastise the behavior on here are doing.

Just go back to the status quo. If Matt's wife finds out, and she is upset, she needs to get over it. If she is willing to
make a big deal and ruin an otherwise good marriage, she is a fool.
 
Senator said:
When you begin the post wondering who had done crazy things in life, I thought you meant crazy things. It spiked my interest.

It's no big deal. I do not even think it's irresponsible. They did something that is completely legal, natural and human.

It is not much different than going to the store together. Hopefully they had a great time. It's no different than what the kids of the people that chastise the behavior on here are doing.

Just go back to the status quo. If Matt's wife finds out, and she is upset, she needs to get over it. If she is willing to
make a big deal and ruin an otherwise good marriage, she is a fool.
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You have got to be kidding.

Oh wait, Matt, is that you?
 
Kristi needs to stay away from him and give up massages.
Matt needs to keep it zipped and stay away from her.

As others have said - it's time for you to butt out of this. Posting, even with small details changed, on a public website is a betrayal of trust. If the wife finds out from another source - this thread could be found on an internet search... and used in legal proceedings. Never post personal stuff that can do damage on the internet. Ever.

Sorry to be harsh - but it's time for you to step back and let them figure it out.
 
Senator said:
When you begin the post wondering who had done crazy things in life, I thought you meant crazy things. It spiked my interest.

It's no big deal. I do not even think it's irresponsible. They did something that is completely legal, natural and human.

It is not much different than going to the store together. Hopefully they had a great time. It's no different than what the kids of the people that chastise the behavior on here are doing.

Just go back to the status quo. If Matt's wife finds out, and she is upset, she needs to get over it. If she is willing to
make a big deal and ruin an otherwise good marriage, she is a fool.
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Honestly I can see your point of view as well as the view of others. I am not saying one is 100% right or wrong because life is not so black and white sometimes.

The other thing which Kristi said is she did not ask if he had an open marriage, until after the deed was done. She said she did not care at the time, but he initiated it so she did not worry about it. But in retrospect she said she should have asked.

There are people who have open marriages. I have a cousin like that. And know of a few other couples who openly agree they can sleep with other people. I don't think open marriages are that common but they do exist.

I am still going to stay out of it as I mentioned earlier.

But thank you for your opinion.
I think it's a big deal if it ends up breaking up the marriage and harming the kids. But he did it, not her. She had a role in it but if he's going to cheat with her he will with another - it's not her fault he cheats. No she should not have slept with him but calling her a homewrecker isn't accurate because she has not wrecked the home. They are still together and she wants it to stay that way - she has no interest in marrying him and never did.
 
workburnout said:
I think it's a big deal if it ends up breaking up the marriage and harming the kids. But he did it, not her. She had a role in it but if he's going to cheat with her he will with another - it's not her fault he cheats. No she should not have slept with him but calling her a homewrecker isn't accurate because she has not wrecked the home. They are still together and she wants it to stay that way - she has no interest in marrying him and never did.
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She is just as culpable. She could have said no. If no one says yes to him, then he can't cheat, can he?
 
pb4uski said:
I'm with Senator.. it was a drunken roll in the sack...let it go and get on with life.
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I’m in this camp as well. They need to grow up and go back to being friends. Sure, it’s not something I condone and it shouldn’t have happened, but it did. As with most things (like everything), you can only impact life going forward. No mulligans, take backs, do overs . . .

If Matt really doesn’t want to lose his marriage and especially if this is the only time this has happened (I have my doubts), shut up, suck it up and move on. Which, is treating Kristi the same as ever - for ever.

Kristi just needs to be herself and act as if this never happened.

Time for two people to grow up.

Workburnout - you need to do the same. Back to the way it was. Stop thinking about this, stop posting about this, stop talking to Kristi about this . . .

That’s my two cents

Oh, and there’s a song for this. :)


 
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Self administered many crazy things in my life. Thankfully no first hand advice other than, you can't un-F anyone. Make amends and move on.
 
After going through two divorces, one amicable, the other a downright war, I can only say this stuff is what divorces are made of. :facepalm:

(neither one of mine involved the Matt/Kristi act, for what it is worth)

Good luck to both of them going forward! :popcorn:
 
travelover said:
If Matt's wife agrees with you, I'd agree.
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It can only help the marriage. Matt feels guilty, so he buys her flowers and treats her like a queen. She appreciates that behavior and reciprocates. They all live happily ever after.

When I was a hotel bartender, I always gave that same advice to the traveling business people that were at the bar.

Never underestimate the ability for a rewarding experience to enhance things.


aja8888 said:
After going through two divorces, one amicable, the other a downright war, I can only say this stuff is what divorces are made of. :facepalm:

(neither one of mine involved the Matt/Kristi act, for what it is worth)
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Perhaps that was the problem...:popcorn:
 
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