need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teacher Terry I wouldn’t want to be involved at all because if it gets out people in the group will take sides and it could get ugly. Plus no good deed goes unpunished. Some of the group could turn on you.

Thanks for your advice. I will tell her I don't want to be involved and to leave me out of it.

To be totally honest I feel sorry for them both and I am wondering what will happen. But it was their choice. I will keep my distance from them.

After reading the posts on here it has made me realize I need to stay out of it, even though she wanted my opinion and I said I have to think about it.

[marko]

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Originally Posted by workburnout I did promise her I would not tell anyone, hence my post here.

Maybe it's me, but posting on the internet is the last place I'd provide such excruciating detail if I wanted to 'not tell anyone'.

[gwraigty]

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Originally Posted by workburnout That being said, maybe Kristi cutting off all contact other than when she unavoidably sees him at the group get togethers is best.

@2:24 PM - Yes!

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Originally Posted by workburnout Maybe I should tell her wait a few weeks, or months, before contacting him again to say hi as she always has now and then - throughout the past 20 yrs, along with all the other friends (male and female) in that particular group of friends. To tell her never contact him ever again seems extreme, since they were good friends before, but I agree waiting a long time is best.

@2:32 PM -

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by marko Maybe it's me, but posting on the internet is the last place I'd provide such excruciating detail if I wanted to 'not tell anyone'.

It's the first place I post on a forum like this if I want advice, if I can't tell anyone in "real life" so to speak.

I have friends I speak to in real life but I did not want to get them involved in this not even by telling them. Even if she had not said keep it a secret, I still would not have wanted to tell them.

And I value being able to get many opinions as I have here.

I could go to a priest or therapist in confidence, even several, but that would take forever.

I figure it is a lot faster to ask here and I believe sometimes the "wisdom of crowds" theory or whatever it's called. Where getting a lot of opinions sometimes is best.
But that's me. Not everyone will think that way.

[CardsFan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gumby "The Big Chill"?

I see I'm not the only one who made that connection.

If this was a first or second post by a new member, I would call Troll, but I will give OP the benefit of the doubt.

So, to OP:

1. Stay out of this and don't post about it.

2. Kristi should have NO further contact. Period. End of discussion.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gwraigty @2:24 PM - Yes! @2:32 PM -

Yes exactly, I am conflicted on this. I go back and forth. But now I will stay out of it and tell her I can't give her an opinion, it's up to her what to do.

[gwraigty]

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Originally Posted by workburnout So, when she told me, I had no way of knowing - not sure how that makes me guilty of drama. Not sure how my helping my niece is a bad thing, or how it relates in any way to this post.....I am pretty confused as to why it would matter as my niece has nothing to do with any of my old friends and she's never met them - probably never will.

Rambling on and on, saying the same things over and over again, endless "what if this" and "what if that", appearing to take delight in revealing in excruciating detail things that aren't even necessary to the point at hand, present in both topics. I was not implying that your niece has anything to do this situation. Just some interesting parallels in both topics. Moving on...

You've said that your workplace is full of people gossiping about everyone who is having affairs. IMO, that's a toxic work environment in more ways than one. I worked in such a place many years ago. I tried to just keep my head down and do my work. Sometimes it wasn't easy, but I didn't spread the gossip, or contribute to it, or involve myself in it to any degree. It can take a serious effort to not let such things rub off on you and become an unpleasant personality trait.

As to this specific situation, I see nothing to be gained from Matt and Kristi continuing to contact each other, and much to be lost.

[gwraigty]

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Originally Posted by workburnout She has totally gotten off Facebook due to this - at least for now. She did not delete her account but she never goes on there. She did tell him she's getting off for a while and they have not texted or been in contact in a few days.

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Originally Posted by workburnout She could be....never know. Although, chances are slim to none. She hates going online, hates computers.

Except when she's online with Matt, I guess.

[tryan]

These two love birds need to cease all contact so they can move forward with their lives and stop revisiting the "fling" ..... All good things come to an end.

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gwraigty Rambling on and on, saying the same things over and over again, endless "what if this" and "what if that", appearing to take delight in revealing in excruciating detail things that aren't even necessary to the point at hand, present in both topics. I was not implying that your niece has anything to do this situation. Just some interesting parallels in both topics. Moving on... You've said that your workplace is full of people gossiping about everyone who is having affairs. IMO, that's a toxic work environment in more ways than one. I worked in such a place many years ago. I tried to just keep my head down and do my work. Sometimes it wasn't easy, but I didn't spread the gossip, or contribute to it, or involve myself in it to any degree. It can take a serious effort to not let such things rub off on you and become an unpleasant personality trait. As to this specific situation, I see nothing to be gained from Matt and Kristi continuing to contact each other, and much to be lost.

I would disagree that it's "delight" as you mentioned, because what I'm feeling is stress about it, as I was with the different situation with my niece at the time I posted -that has all been resolved now, in part thanks to advice I got here.

I tend to sometimes stress about things too much and maybe it comes across as delight on here but it's not.

I do tend to vent or want to "let things out" by talking about them when I get stressed, I'll be the first to admit. If it something like this, I am not able to talk about it to anyone I know personally. Plus I like hearing a multitude of opinions not just one or two.

I agree, best not to spread any of the gossip, about affairs, work or otherwise. I don't really care, as you saw I was replying to another poster. Not really sure why I should need to defend myself for doing that.

One main purpose of being able to write questions on a forum is to get opinions from people outside your regular circle of friends/acquaintances.

The bottom line is Matt and Kristi will be seeing each other socially in group settings - due to mutual friends - maybe once a year on average. Hence there is no way for them to never contact each other again - they share the same friend group from way back. I will let her decide and not give an opinion other than tell her work it out for herself. She should not have asked me really.

I now - after reading all the opinions given here - believe she really should limit contact as much as possible - be cordial if they bump into each other but don't initiate contact with him. They probably can't talk anymore like they used to - chit chatting every few weeks or months to say hey hows it going. She has no interest in him other than friends like before. If he divorces she still won't want him - other than friends.

[workburnout]

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Originally Posted by gwraigty Except when she's online with Matt, I guess.

The wife does not go online. That is who I was referring to. Kristi does go online.

[workburnout]

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Originally Posted by gwraigty Except when she's online with Matt, I guess.

Kristi does go online a lot. However she has stopped going on FB for now.

[workburnout]

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Originally Posted by tryan These two love birds need to cease all contact so they can move forward with their lives and stop revisiting the "fling" ..... All good things come to an end.

The whole point was they were friends 20 yrs before any fling happened.
They had a lot of unique friend/group experience (nothing to do with sex).

So what I'm getting here from most posters is that it is impossible for them to be friends after the fling. If they had not had it, they'd still be friends.

I guess most people on here believe no amount of friendship, no matter how good the friendship, can ever survive a fling.

I will do what I said earlier, that is tell her I can't give an opinion and let her work it out for herself.

However, personally I believe it might be possible for them to remain friends. It really does not matter what I think as I won't be telling her. But I really do not believe their friendship has to be over, due to this.
I will be bumping into her socially in groups of friends from time to time and so she'll be asking more advice which I won't give her.

People tend to categorize others as bad if they cheat, and that is true to a point - they should not have done the deed - but it does not mean they are horrible people.
People tend to judge harshly, and I tend to be forgiving, I used to not be and I was more judgmental with a lot of things, but lately I have been more forgiving than I used to. I have tried to, at least. I am not perfect, by any means.

[gwraigty]

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Originally Posted by workburnout The wife does not go online. That is who I was referring to. Kristi does go online.

Thanks. I got it mixed up. Sorry.

[MichaelB]

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Originally Posted by workburnout I am not perfect, by any means.

None of us are, so don't take the responses too harshly. Whether the two can remain friends depends entirely on them. Some can, others cannot. I suspect his being married will make that difficult, though.

[workburnout]

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Originally Posted by MichaelB None of us are, so don't take the responses too harshly. Whether the two can remain friends depends entirely on them. Some can, others cannot. I suspect his being married will make that difficult, though.

Thank you. She helped me with a lot of serious issues I had unrelated to all this when we were a lot younger. This is the only thing she's ever done wrong of this magnitude in life. So I wanted to help her when she asked. I can't. Nothing I can do to help.

We all love each other as friends, due to shared history.

Yes we all did either/or sleazy or bad things at times, but we all did a lot of good too, for other people, in ways unrelated to all this.
He has had substance abuse problems off and on throughout life, and may get worse due to this but nothing I can do about that either. He made his bed now must lie in it, as the saying goes.

[Aerides]

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Originally Posted by workburnout I guess most people on here believe no amount of friendship, no matter how good the friendship, can ever survive a fling.

I don't think that's the point being made. Very few of us are concerned with protecting the friendship between matt and kristi. I know I don't care.

The only relationship survival of consequence here is matt's marriage and family. And that relationship has a far greater chance if this is truly (hahaha) a one time slip and he wants to stay married, at least until his kids are grown.

Friendships can survive flings pretty often. Marriages, less so. Kristi should not be asking if she can, but if she should (and no, she shouldn't).

[workburnout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides I don't think that's the point being made. Very few of us are concerned with protecting the friendship between matt and kristi. I know I don't care. The only relationship survival of consequence here is matt's marriage and family. And that relationship has a far greater chance if this is truly (hahaha) a one time slip and he wants to stay married, at least until his kids are grown. Friendships can survive flings pretty often. Marriages, less so. Kristi should not be asking if she can, but if she should (and no, she shouldn't).

That makes sense. He told her he does not want anyone to find out and wants to stay married. On the surface (to most people who don't know him) he has the perfect family - adorable kids, good job, not wealthy, but does pretty well.

I would never tell anyone. I don't count this forum as the story details and names were changed.

Kristi did say she does not want to hurt him or his family, as she still loves him as a friend -as all in our group of friends have 20 plus years - a platonic "love" - nothing romantic.
She is educated, well respected in the community as well, no one almost would believe she ever did that.

I am doubtful it is his first time either, I bet he has had other affairs, but that was never asked or discussed. I am only guessing he needed sex and his wife does not give him much anymore or maybe he feels unappreciated. Who knows.

He has made little comments (before all this happened) such as his wife wants him to do all this work with the kids while she runs errands, and that it's hard having kids. He makes small comments criticizing his wife behind her back, now and then. She's kind of controlling so he seemingly never comments negatively in front of her.

He makes mistakes, but loves his kids. Works hard to support them. Spends time with them in activities. In my opinion not that it matters either way, it is best that he stay married and raise them like he says he wants to do.

[Vacation4us]

Run, don’t walk away from this train wreck.

Whether your Kristi or just her friend you need to stop making excuses and extending the drama. They should cut all contact immediately or the situation will repeat itself and his marriage will end. Period.

[Teacher Terry]

The marriage is the important factor especially with 2 young kids. The friendship is irrelevant.