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Public Service Announcement -Beer Troubleshooter Guide
Old 03-31-2006, 11:27 AM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Public Service Announcement -Beer Troubleshooter Guide



1. Feet cold and wet
a- Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
b- Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

2. Feet warm and wet
a-Improper Bladder Control
b- Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

3. Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer

4. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
a-You have fallen over backward.
b- Have yourself leashed to bar

5. Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
a-You have fallen forward
b-See above

6. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

7. Floor Blurred
a-You are looking through bottom of empty glass
b-Get someone to buy you another beer

8. Floor moving
a-You are being carried out
b-Find out if you are being taken to another bar

9. Room seems unusually dark
a* -Bar has closed
b- Confirm home address with bartender.* If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.* Run

10, Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
a-Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
a-Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

11. Everyone looks up to you and smiles
a-You are dancing on the table
b- Fall on someone cushy-looking

12 Beer is crystal-clear
a-It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
b-Punch him

13 People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
a- You're in the ladies' room
b- Do not use urinal!* Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

14 Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
a- You have been in a fight
b-Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

15 Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
a- You've wandered into the wrong party
b- See if they have free beer

16 Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.* Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.* Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

17 You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
a- You're in a gay bar
b- Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.* Do not accept offers for backrubs

18 Your singing sounds distorted
a- The beer is too weak
b-Have more beer until your voice improves

19 Don't remember the words to the song
a-Beer is just right
b-Play air guitar

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
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