Public Service Announcement -Beer Troubleshooter Guide
* BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM
A- CAUSE*
B- CORRECTIVE ACTION
1. Feet cold and wet
a- Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
b- Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
2. Feet warm and wet
a-Improper Bladder Control
b- Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
3. Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.
*
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
4. Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
a-You have fallen over backward.
b- Have yourself leashed to bar
5. Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
a-You have fallen forward
b-See above
6. Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open
*
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
7. Floor Blurred
a-You are looking through bottom of empty glass
b-Get someone to buy you another beer
8. Floor moving
a-You are being carried out
b-Find out if you are being taken to another bar
9. Room seems unusually dark
a* -Bar has closed
b- Confirm home address with bartender.* If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.* Run
10, Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
a-Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
a-Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
11. Everyone looks up to you and smiles
a-You are dancing on the table
b- Fall on someone cushy-looking
12 Beer is crystal-clear
a-It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
b-Punch him
13 People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
a- You're in the ladies' room
b- Do not use urinal!* Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
14 Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
a- You have been in a fight
b-Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
15 Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
a- You've wandered into the wrong party
b- See if they have free beer
16 Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.* Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail
*
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.* Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
17 You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
a- You're in a gay bar
b- Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.* Do not accept offers for backrubs
18 Your singing sounds distorted
a- The beer is too weak
b-Have more beer until your voice improves
19 Don't remember the words to the song
a-Beer is just right
b-Play air guitar
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Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
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