Question for Boomer Dads

[slowsaver]

Would like to know how often you baby boomer dads (around 70yo) see or talk to your adult children. If you have grandkids, I'm guessing it would be more often. But I'd especially like to know how often you see your childless adult children. Also, do you feel satisfied with this frequency -- or do you wish it was more or less often?

[VanWinkle]

I just returned from a 8 day visit with my one childless son(I have 3 other children that all have kids). This is the second visit this year but he lives about 900 miles away from me in Colorado. I will see him at Thanksgiving and Christmas as he comes home for those 2 holidays. I would like to see him more often, but realize he has his own life in Colorado. I e-mail the kids every Monday with my status and they answer with theirs. We also talk on the phone about once a week. I am a widower, so this may not be the normal for a couple.

[CardsFan]

I'm a boomer, but only 64. DS is 37 and lives about 300 miles away (Chicago). We go there 2-3 times a year. He and his SO come here 2-3 times a year, and we talk probably every 2 weeks, on average. Usually, it is DW calling him, but he will occasionally call one of us.

For the most part, I am satisfied with the frequency, though DW would probably like more.

DS is recently engaged, and his SO (Soon? to be wife) is a great gal, so we enjoy the time we have with them. On a side note, since we often visit them on holidays, we have also become very comfortable socializing with her parents and sister (and her SO), and even some of her friends. It is kind of nice to know her folks, in a social setting, before the wedding mayhem begins.

[MichaelB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by slowsaver Would like to know how often you baby boomer dads (around 70yo) see or talk to your adult children. If you have grandkids, I'm guessing it would be more often. But I'd especially like to know how often you see your childless adult children. Also, do you feel satisfied with this frequency -- or do you wish it was more or less often?

We chat daily on WhatsApp, a couple time a week by phone (often when they are driving somewhere) and facetime regularly with the grandkids - trying to connect at least once a week. When we are a hour drive we try to get together at least once per week, when the drive is farther we try to get together at least once per month. They will vacation at MichaelB's B&B, usually around the holidays, other times as well. We look for opportunities to get together.

We have one son + family living on the other side of the work, so the logistics with them require a bit more planning, but now that they are back in Japan, at least we can video chat. When they were in Dubai that wasn't possible.

[Aerides]

Quote:

Originally Posted by slowsaver Would like to know how often you baby boomer dads (around 70yo) see or talk to your adult children. If you have grandkids, I'm guessing it would be more often. But I'd especially like to know how often you see your childless adult children. Also, do you feel satisfied with this frequency -- or do you wish it was more or less often?

My parents are in your category. But I think a lot of other factors are in play besides kids/none:

Geography - obv for in person, but also for other stuff like making plans, invites for a cook out, going shopping or helping out with stuff around the house. This probably accounts for about 50% of our interactions. I've even ran into my parents at the market store a few times since we live in the same general area.

Parents still married? Boomer dads that have remarried someone else might be less involved in your day to day than those that are still married to your mom, or widowed. Especially if they had other kids after you, or the divorce was when you were still a minor, or if their new wife has kids. In most families, the matriarch is the arranger/organizer type, and dad goes along.

Other siblings - probably 20% of my in-person visits with my parents are with my sister and her family as well (especially holidays), but since she has kids she's more likely to have everyone over for the 4th, for burgers on a sunday afternoon, kid's bdays, stuff like that.

[target2019]

We have several WhatsApp conversations. Just me and son in one, and all 4 in another. Every couple of days he pings me early morning. It's usually finance related.

He has private channel with mum too.

Daughter has us on multiple channels. Text, email, FaceTime, etc.

She is 60 miles away, son is in Australia. We see him twice a year most years. She calls every night around dinner.

[slowsaver]

Thanks for all the replies. Seems like all of you have a lot of contact. Maybe nobody wants to admit to having very little contact ...?

[Bir48die]

Also 64. One son three hours north. It’s been easier for him to come down and see him 4-6 times a year. He’s 35. Younger son is across the U.S. and we fly out 2x a year and just started flying his family out once a year. A daughter in the BA and see her and family 4-5 times a year.

[jollystomper]

We have children currently living in Asia and the Middle East that we see in the flesh once or twice a year, text/email on average 1-2 times within a 2 week period, and skype about once a month. Everyone seems fine with that. When there has been an urgent need to talk everyone has been very responsive.

Our children in the states are within an hour so we talk and see them more frequently.

[Kwirk]

69 yo boomer dad.

38 yo single, childless son lives on the opposite coast. My wife and I see him once or twice a year for about a week each time. Other contact (phone, email, text exchange) is roughly once per week. Most, but certainly not all, of the contacts are with my wife.

35 yo married daughter, her husband and 3 yo and 6 yo sons share our too-big-for-us (~3500 sq ft on 1/2 acre with 2 driveways and garages for 3 cars) house. We love the arrangement. The layout allows for relatively separate living spaces, including 2 kitchens, but there is considerable cross traffic. We spend time with the grandchildren almost daily with at least weekly outings when we're not traveling.

[SnowballCamper]

I'm not a boomer dad, but my dad is 75. I live a couple thousand miles away, and we chat on the phone probably every 2-3 months. It seems we're both ok with that. On the other hand my younger brother lives next-door, and I know they talk much more often. It probably varies widely, depending on personalities, even in healthy relationships.

[aja8888]

Me @ 76 - I speak with my DD almost every day. She lives about 7 miles away. I see her at least once per week. No grandkids though.

DW @ 74 sees here 3 kids about once per month but texts and talks with them almost daily. They live nearby also. She has three grandkids and sees them "once in a while" (as they are busy young adults.)

[donheff]

I’m 71 with two kids who live nearby. I tend to see them about twice a week. It would be different if they lived far away. I’m lousy over the phone.

[nancyfrank232]

Quote:

Originally Posted by slowsaver Thanks for all the replies. Seems like all of you have a lot of contact. Maybe nobody wants to admit to having very little contact ...?

You’re probably right. Nobody talks about having little or no contact with their kids. It definitely happens a lot. I’m in my 40s and I know for a fact that some of us barely see or speak with our parents

The typical excuse is that they’re too far away and/or too busy

[tb001]

My parents are in their late 70s. My father lives in the Midwest and we’re on the coast. To visit is a full day of travel each way because they’re in a small town and far from a hub. I speak with him maybe 4x per year and visit infrequently. He’s come to see me twice since I left the Midwest 25+ yrs ago. I went back to see him more often initially when invited, always over Xmas, which meant you could usually add a blizzard to that full day of travel. Though he was doing a lot of international travel, he didn’t come out to visit, and I got tired of going on holidays and wanted to do my own thing so stopped going back and calls dwindled. Every time I spoke with him the first 10-15 min were a guilt trip about not calling more often and then he would be on the computer playing games, so not really paying attention. We also have very different political views which he always felt the need to needle me on. It was just a drag to call. Now we have young kids and travel is hard. And he has dementia, so things are hard for him and his wife. Oddly enough, he’s far more pleasant to be around though! It makes me sad, but honestly he was just unpleasant much of the time and the guilt trips/uneven expectations just got old as I became an adult.

My mom is a fairly direct 3 hr flight. We talk or text every few days and we make the effort to see each other 3-4 times per year. We've agreed to aim for quarterly visits and it’s usually her coming to see us. When she was younger and we didn’t have kids the in person visits were less frequent but we were still very connected by phone.

IMO, if you’re unhappy with the frequency of communication, it’s up to you to make the effort and reach out/visit. Most jobs have very little vacation time and most 30-40 somethings are just trying to keep their head above water. If my father had visited more often, or his communication was more unconditional, we would have a different relationship today.

[sengsational]

Late Boomer with later kids, so they're only a few years after graduating college. Both are settled in different towns, but within a few hour drive. DW organizes the meetings, mostly. Have a group SMS that goes silent for short periods, but often very active with cute pictures, special occasions, and leaking things they think Dad might help fix, hehe!

[Hermit]

Quote:

Originally Posted by slowsaver Would like to know how often you baby boomer dads (around 70yo) see or talk to your adult children. If you have grandkids, I'm guessing it would be more often. But I'd especially like to know how often you see your childless adult children. Also, do you feel satisfied with this frequency -- or do you wish it was more or less often?

No grand kids. Kids are 28 & 29. I'll be seventy next year.

DD and hubby come up to visit about once a month or so. We go skiing a few times each season. I went down to help them replace their fence a couple of weeks ago.

DS has stayed in contact, but until a couple months ago lived in Virginia. He would call whenever he needed cash. He has recently moved out here to Colorado and is now staying at my place. He has to complete a couple of classes and will be finished with college. He will be moving down to town with or without the degree the end of this semester. Today he helped me put up some 2x4's in the attic. He helps around here from time to time so all is well.

[harley]

DD (34) is incapable of getting into her car without calling us, so we speak at least a couple times/day. We see her and the GKs fairly often, and use Duo to video chat every few days. Obviously we don't see them at all for the 5-6 months we're in FL, although there is an occasional visit. It's more often to see the Mouse than us, but we hook up.

I worked for a lovely Chinese lady once, and she told me of an ancient Chinese proverb: When your daugher marries you gain a son, when your son marries you lose a son.

Amongst my friends/relations I've seen a lot of truth in that.

[Dd852]

Quote:

Originally Posted by slowsaver Thanks for all the replies. Seems like all of you have a lot of contact. Maybe nobody wants to admit to having very little contact ...?

I’ll admit! But not the age group you were looking for .... I’m 59 and email my 83 yr old mother every couple of weeks, speak by Skype every couple of months and visit twice a year. My sister has much more contact - they email daily, sometimes multiple times. She visits when I do, so also twice a year.

I think every family relationship finds its own comfortable rhythm. It shouldn’t be forced. What works.

[Amethyst]

I've seen this in a couple of formerly difficult people who developed dementia, although not my (long deceased) parents. My theory is that they have forgotten the things that used to make them defensive and angry, along with most everything else. They're dreadfully boring now, of course, but at least they aren't deliberately provocative any more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tb001 And he has dementia...Oddly enough, he’s far more pleasant to be around though! It makes me sad, but honestly he was just unpleasant much of the time.