Single Men - 40’s - No Kids - Dating Life?

[F.I.R.E User]

Any straight men here single in their 40’s with no kids?

How are you doing with dating life while pursuing F.I.R.E?

Is it getting easier or harder to find a significant other?

Any suggestions? I know about the dating apps but with Covid-19 I feel it’s too risky.

Do you think you will find the one?

I do get discouraged when I see my friends and others find the one on social media. I know I shouldn’t be comparing my situation with anyone.

[razztazz]

I am 64 so no longer on the roster but I was pursuing FIRE from the beginning and stopped working majorly at 38 and totally at 41.

It was nearly impossible to find anybody who could qualify as a long term possibility while working. Between all the nice stuff a person (they) just has to have and insistence on having a family (babies), unless I became a doctor or a movie star I didn't see how it was possible. Those things are fine and let's face, it necessary for some. They can go for it. Weren't in my plans though.

It was not easy and did not get any eaier post FIRE. NOTE: Didn't have the I-Phones and the dating apps "back in my day." Perhaps they can be of some value, but yes, risky. I found knowing people in person also had an element of risk.

Those friends are living in the moment. They won't really know who they've found till the game is nearly over. Also, as we discuss here and you probably remember your parents and grandparents tell you: Everything has a price and it's not necessarily money. I knew that going into it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by F.I.R.E User Any straight men here single in their 40’s with no kids? How are you doing with dating life while pursuing F.I.R.E? Is it getting easier or harder to find a significant other? Any suggestions? I know about the dating apps but with Covid-19 I feel it’s too risky. Do you think you will find the one? I do get discouraged when I see my friends and others find the one on social media. I know I shouldn’t be comparing my situation with anyone.

[FIREd]

I am 47, single, no kids, already FIRE'd. I've only been dating since March of this year and I use dating apps almost exclusively to meet new people. COVID is not a deterrent for me (there is no greater chance to catch it from someone I meet online).

I find it quite difficult to find "the one". I have met several women that I liked but they're often in complicated situations (at least compared to my fairly simple life devoid of many of their responsibilities). And at that age, everybody comes with baggage, me included. The best candidate so far was really into her career and moved for work a few months after we met (she was single, never married, no kids). I didn't know her well enough to drop everything and follow her.

So the search continues. But I also prepare myself in the eventuality that I remain single. I try to embrace my life as a single guy - not waiting for "the one" to start enjoying things. I'm making friends, I'm getting used to traveling and eating at restaurants alone, etc... And in fact, there are some huge advantages to being single - including freedom and flexibility.

I know myself pretty well - well enough to know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And that's OK. Some friends and family members do try to put pressure on me to settle down, but I'm just gonna keep doing my thing. I'm FIRE'd and I have plenty of time to figure things out.

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by F.I.R.E User Any straight men here single in their 40’s with no kids? How are you doing with dating life while pursuing F.I.R.E? Is it getting easier or harder to find a significant other? Any suggestions? I know about the dating apps but with Covid-19 I feel it’s too risky. Do you think you will find the one? I do get discouraged when I see my friends and others find the one on social media. I know I shouldn’t be comparing my situation with anyone.

Yes to the first part of your first question...

[kaudrey]

Well, I am 52 (and female) and got married when I was 48 (I divorced at 44). So, yes, you can meet someone in your 40s. I met my husband through a mutual sport/hobby. That is generally how I make friends, too - starting with a common interest. I wasn't really planning to get remarried, but it has worked out great so far!

[OverThinkMuch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by F.I.R.E User Do you think you will find the one? I do get discouraged when I see my friends and others find the one on social media. I know I shouldn’t be comparing my situation with anyone.

Repeating "the one" reminds me of Dan Savage's take on it. Instead of a perfect person ("the one"), he views relationships as having a price of admission.
https://speakola.com/ideas/dan-savag...admission-2010

[F.I.R.E User]

Quote:

Originally Posted by razztazz I am 64 so no longer on the roster but I was pursuing FIRE from the beginning and stopped working majorly at 38 and totally at 41. It was nearly impossible to find anybody who could qualify as a long term possibility while working. Between all the nice stuff a person (they) just has to have and insistence on having a family (babies), unless I became a doctor or a movie star I didn't see how it was possible. Those things are fine and let's face, it necessary for some. They can go for it. Weren't in my plans though. It was not easy and did not get any eaier post FIRE. NOTE: Didn't have the I-Phones and the dating apps "back in my day." Perhaps they can be of some value, but yes, risky. I found knowing people in person also had an element of risk. Those friends are living in the moment. They won't really know who they've found till the game is nearly over. Also, as we discuss here and you probably remember your parents and grandparents tell you: Everything has a price and it's not necessarily money. I knew that going into it.

So you had opportunities but she wanted kids?

[F.I.R.E User]

There are women who want guys who drive nicer cars and live in nicer homes but I only drive a modest one like in an apartment.

What that means to them is what I am not doing well financially. How do I tackle this?

What I do for a living matters too. If you are not a professional in the S.T.E.M field then you are not seen as a successful guy.

[Aerides]

Quote:

Originally Posted by F.I.R.E User There are women who want guys who drive nicer cars and live in nicer homes but I only drive a modest one like in an apartment. What that means to them is what I am not doing well financially. How do I tackle this? What I do for a living matters too. If you are not a professional in the S.T.E.M field then you are not seen as a successful guy.

If you don't know the answer to this by now... I can't believe you're in your 40's.

Simple: They are not a match for you. Next.

I'd suggest you start by knowing what you want in a partner. And what you don't want. The must-haves, the deal-breakers. You can discern most of that in any online profile, and the rest on a first date.

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by F.I.R.E User There are women who want guys who drive nicer cars and live in nicer homes but I only drive a modest one like in an apartment. What that means to them is what I am not doing well financially. How do I tackle this? What I do for a living matters too. If you are not a professional in the S.T.E.M field then you are not seen as a successful guy.

I wouldn't pay attention to women who judge men based on those criteria. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be judged by my car or by my house. Do those women have a nice car, nice house, good job, and good finance? Probably not. And that's why they want those things from someone else. I will not play any part in that kind of lopsided setup myself... a kind of a goldgdigger mentality if you ask me.

[aaronc879]

I'm a 42 year old single male with no kids. I haven't dated in years and have no interest. I make no effort to find anyone to share life with. I'm a loner and plan to stay that way.

[aaronc879]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmm99 I wouldn't pay attention to women who judge men based on those criteria. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be judged by my car or by my house. Do those women have a nice car, nice house, good job, and good finance? Probably not. And that's why they want those things from someone else. I will not play any part in that kind of lopsided setup myself... a kind of a goldgdigger mentality if you ask me.

+1

[Sunset]

At 40 I tried some dating apps, this was in the past.

Ended up meeting some interesting women, but none were a good match for various reasons:

Funniest was when I showed up at her house for our 1st date. The dating app had no pictures but we had discussed a bunch of things so it seemed all good. The sweet sexy young ~20 yr old that answered the door surprised me!
I said who I was.
She turned and said "Grandma your date is here"

My date was 70, she was also surprised as we hadn't talked ages, she said I could forget it. Instead we went for coffee and had a nice afternoon.

After about 4 years of apps, I met my wife at work.

[Dtail]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmm99 I wouldn't pay attention to women who judge men based on those criteria. If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to be judged by my car or by my house. Do those women have a nice car, nice house, good job, and good finance? Probably not. And that's why they want those things from someone else. I will not play any part in that kind of lopsided setup myself... a kind of a goldgdigger mentality if you ask me.

+2
If I ever was unattached again and still healthy and active, the financial situation with my companion could not be lopsided financially.

[F.I.R.E User]

Also, if you wear a mask to meet people that also defeats the purpose of socializing.

What complicated situations are they in?

What kind of baggage?

You can get freedom/flexibility in a relationship too.

They pressure you to settle down but are they helping you do that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by FIREd I am 47, single, no kids, already FIRE'd. I've only been dating since March of this year and I use dating apps almost exclusively to meet new people. COVID is not a deterrent for me (there is no greater chance to catch it from someone I meet online). I find it quite difficult to find "the one". I have met several women that I liked but they're often in complicated situations (at least compared to my fairly simple life devoid of many of their responsibilities). And at that age, everybody comes with baggage, me included. The best candidate so far was really into her career and moved for work a few months after we met (she was single, never married, no kids). I didn't know her well enough to drop everything and follow her. So the search continues. But I also prepare myself in the eventuality that I remain single. I try to embrace my life as a single guy - not waiting for "the one" to start enjoying things. I'm making friends, I'm getting used to traveling and eating at restaurants alone, etc... And in fact, there are some huge advantages to being single - including freedom and flexibility. I know myself pretty well - well enough to know that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And that's OK. Some friends and family members do try to put pressure on me to settle down, but I'm just gonna keep doing my thing. I'm FIRE'd and I have plenty of time to figure things out.

[F.I.R.E User]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Car-Guy Yes to the first part of your first question...

What about others?

[F.I.R.E User]

I don’t want to risk getting Covid but I could ask for vaccination card to make sure they are fully vaccinated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaudrey Well, I am 52 (and female) and got married when I was 48 (I divorced at 44). So, yes, you can meet someone in your 40s. I met my husband through a mutual sport/hobby. That is generally how I make friends, too - starting with a common interest. I wasn't really planning to get remarried, but it has worked out great so far!

[F.I.R.E User]

Everything has a price.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OverThinkMuch Repeating "the one" reminds me of Dan Savage's take on it. Instead of a perfect person ("the one"), he views relationships as having a price of admission. https://speakola.com/ideas/dan-savag...admission-2010

[caninelover]

Well, I'm a female but my fiance (a male) and I met when he was 49. He had been divorced for three years and was just considering trying online dating. We met by chance on a group hike organized by a mutual friend.

I myself tried the dating apps for a bit. I found them to be time consuming and not really worth it so I gave up on them. I just focused on doing things that I enjoyed with others but didn't set any particular expectations on meeting 'the one'. I knew it was a challenge to find someone age appropriate and compatible who did not have young children (< 16) to raise from a prior marriage or relationship - but eventually I did.

[F.I.R.E User]

I do that’s why I am single. I could settle for less and someone but I won’t be happy.

I know what I want but the market has competition to get the good looking ones. I don’t want a below average looking woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aerides If you don't know the answer to this by now... I can't believe you're in your 40's. Simple: They are not a match for you. Next. I'd suggest you start by knowing what you want in a partner. And what you don't want. The must-haves, the deal-breakers. You can discern most of that in any online profile, and the rest on a first date.