Single old babes, want to marry again?

[Moemg]

If my BF and I parted ways .I wouldn't even look for another .It takes at least two years of hard work to break them in .I'd rather spend the time on travel.

 

[OkieTexan]

I know this thread was directed at "Single Old Babes"; so, I don't qualify. However, it looks like it is OK for the guys to chime in.

My wife and I have been together now for 14 years. Prior to that I spent 10 years living alone, playing the field, and enjoying the independence that single life can provide. For the first time in my life, I believe the grass is greener on the side I am on. This marriage has been worth the risk and the effort. But it is nice to know that I have lived alone before and can enjoy it. Perhaps we should be prepared for whichever comes our way.

 

[shiny]

For the first time in my life, I believe the grass is greener on the side I am on. This marriage has been worth the risk and the effort.

You sound like a really nice DH!


I met my DH in high school and married in my 20s. I can't really imagine life without him, so it is hard for me to come up with a true answer, but this is what I think...

Once I got over the brain-numbing grief (if I get over it) of becoming a widow or being left for another woman, whatever the case may be, I think I would like the companionship of living with someone and be open to marriage, but not set against it or pining away for it.

I agree that there are tons of weirdos and jerks out there, but I always manage to run across some nice, funny guys, so I remain optimistic about it. I'm still in my 30s. If I became a widow in my 60s maybe I'd think differently.

 

[Brat]

OkieTexan I have been married over 35 years and wasn't a young bride. I agree that a single life would not have been a happy one. But if I am widowed a prospective mate would be in his 70s.

The calculation for an older woman is different. True, many would want to remarry. But, if a woman is financially independent and socially active, why? At my age we are set in our ways, if widowed having space to call my own for the first time in probably 40+ years. First there is the period of adjustment after the passing of a spouse, then there is the time it takes to find a like minded spirit, next comes seeing if you can negotiate a shared space. By that time 80 is on the horizon.

If the right guy should come along I may change my mind, but I won't be on the hunt.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I think the problem is that people consider marriage to be an objective or an expected/normal state.

Used to drive my wife nutty when we first started dating and she'd ask "so, do you want to get married some day?" and I'd tell her "Well, my first objective is to be happy with myself, by myself. Then if I met someone and it felt like marrying her would make both of us happier, I'd do it. But I'm not out there looking for someone to marry to make myself happy or make myself "whole" by adding another person to the equation".

So perhaps the whole line of question should be less around whether you want to get married again or not and more around figuring out how to be happy with yourself and your own life, then consider the benefits of adding a relationship to that equation...?

 

[Nords]

Used to drive my wife nutty when we first started dating and she'd ask "so, do you want to get married some day?" and I'd tell her "Well, my first objective is to be happy with myself, by myself. Then if I met someone and it felt like marrying her would make both of us happier, I'd do it. But I'm not out there looking for someone to marry to make myself happy or make myself "whole" by adding another person to the equation".

Well, like my spouse it looks like she had plenty of warning and nobody to blame but herself...

 

[SecondCor521]

Used to drive my wife nutty when we first started dating and she'd ask "so, do you want to get married some day?" and I'd tell her "Well, my first objective is to be happy with myself, by myself. Then if I met someone and it felt like marrying her would make both of us happier, I'd do it. But I'm not out there looking for someone to marry to make myself happy or make myself "whole" by adding another person to the equation".

So perhaps the whole line of question should be less around whether you want to get married again or not and more around figuring out how to be happy with yourself and your own life, then consider the benefits of adding a relationship to that equation...?

Wise words, CFB, and essentially what I am trying to do.

I think there are many hurdles to a second marriage for me:

1. I would have to donate $1,000 to my divorce attorney's favorite charity. I made a side bet with her.
2. I bring a certain amount of "baggage" to the table in terms of my own "hairballs" as someone here wrote, my three kids, my ex-wife, my child support and related payments. And it is likely that any prospective spouse would bring similar baggage. I think this fact alone makes second marriages more challenging.
3. A second marriage for either me or my ex-wife would have, IMHO, a deleterious effect on our kids.
4. I was going to write something about the pool of candidates but deleted it after realizing it could offend.

In short, I'm working on being OK being single, I'm not going to go looking for Miss Right, but if I do happen across her I'm not opposed to the idea in theory provided I can get over the first two points above. If she really is Miss Right, the first point won't be a big deal. The second one could easily be the deal breaker for nearly everyone.

2Cor521

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Well, like my spouse it looks like she had plenty of warning and nobody to blame but herself...

Indeed. "Hey, this was YOUR idea!" has been muttered once or twice.

1. I would have to donate $1,000 to my divorce attorney's favorite charity. I made a side bet with her.

Marry the divorce attorney, then you can probably keep the grand. She already probably knows you as well as anyone...

2. I bring a certain amount of "baggage" to the table in terms of my own "hairballs" as someone here wrote, my three kids, my ex-wife, my child support and related payments. And it is likely that any prospective spouse would bring similar baggage. I think this fact alone makes second marriages more challenging.

You're also both pre-disastered. I think people have certain expectations of marriage that they find are not going to be met. I suspect most figure that out and get over the disappointment somewhere during the divorce process. While some aspects might make it more challenging, having more realistic expectations, meeting after you're both matured and your personalities are 'set', knowing what you want out of life, and having the right expectations all may make it easier.

3. A second marriage for either me or my ex-wife would have, IMHO, a deleterious effect on our kids.

Or might be beneficial. My wifes former husband brought a small daughter into their relationship. The biological mother was a nice lady but not super mother material. My wife became and remains a very close adviser and confidant to her former step daughter. That fricking glass is half full sometimes, you know, and sometimes its half full of something tasty!

 

[Zoocat]

Apologies to all my gay friends on the board. It's true I was only thinking of others in a similar situation to myself. I certainly hope that you will very soon have the opportunity of legal marriage with all its advantages and disadvantages.

 

[SecondCor521]

Marry the divorce attorney, then you can probably keep the grand. She already probably knows you as well as anyone...

She's already spoken for. And she's nice and all, but not my type. Good thought, though!

2Cor521

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

She's already spoken for. And she's nice and all, but not my type. Good thought, though!

Eh, she probably knows a good divorce attorney

My wife is absolutely not "my type" if you go by the typical woman I dated. It seems like thats made all the difference. What I liked and what was good for me turned out to be somewhat mutually exclusive.

For some reason I thought tall skinny ditzy blondes with big bazooms that liked to go out drinking and dancing all night was "my type".

Not that there was anything wrong with that. For a while. Like 25 years or so.

 

[Meadbh]

Helen, the difference between you and us two old babes is that we are covered by Medicare so health insurance currently isn't an issue.

Frankly I think gays should have the chance at both the responsibilities and advantages of marriage. It amazes me that people only focus on the advantages when the reality is that it comes along with even greater responsibilities, and the expense of divorce if it doesn't work out. If the gay community started talking about the responsibilities of marriage maybe the tenor of the discussion would change.

Canada has now had its first gay divorce. It was bound to happen sooner or later....

 

[crazy connie]

Would I marry again? Yes

Can I grow old alone and enjoy life? Yes

Why would I want to marry again? Multiple reasons including a partner in crime, companionship, intelligent conversation, someone to do stuff with including chores, travel, dining and having a snuggle buddy at night as well as a skinny dipping partner. LAUGHTER

What am I leary of in a remarriage? Precious metal excavators.

So, I enjoy life on a daily basis with family (very small), good friends both men & women, and leave the options for the future open. I please myself in setting goals but am open to modification if a new partner enters into the equation.

 

[W2R]

If you're not looking to get married again, why not?

Instead, are you looking for a more casual companion or have you sworn off the other sex entirely? (I know women who have chosen to become lesbians after divorce in midlife!)

Are you comfortable with the idea of growing old as a single woman?

I do not wish to re-marry because I have everything I want in a relationship right now. We are emotionally committed to one another but our finances are separate (and about equal) and we do not live together. I like that; I need my space.

This arrangement is a lot less work and drudgery for me than being married, and there are few if any arguments or power struggles. We know that we are not alone in the world and that we can rely on one another. I know that Frank wants to be with me when we are together, since I don't take his company for granted (and vice versa). We know and appreciate one another, and we have such fun when we are together. That's important too - - life is short, so laissez les bons temps rouler.

I don't consider Frank to be a more casual companion, because the depth of our commitment and feelings for one another is at least as deep as in marriage, and because we have been with one another for a number of years by now. We have simply omitted the paperwork and financial entanglements of marriage.

I am very comfortable with the idea of growing old as a single woman! Really, in a sense we all grow old as single women (or men, for those that are reading this), and we all die alone. Being alone is nothing to dread or regret. There's nothing more wonderful than the quiet, peace, and beauty of an early morning alone, for example. When I am very old, I will probably check into a continual care facility so that I can get the help I might need to take care of myself properly. Maybe Frank and I will be there together, allowing one another sufficient space and time alone, of course.

 

[Glo]

I've been married for more than 36 years and if I were widowed, the last thing I'd be looking for is another man. I have a very good marriage and happy life but I don't think I'd do it all over again.

My mother always said the same thing. After 5 years of widowhood, she remarried at age 70. She had a very happy 11 years with her second husband until his death. So, who can say for sure?

 

[wabmester]

This thread amazes me. Three pages and no posts about why cucumbers are better than men.

 

[bosco]

I liked what Rosanne said about gay marriage:

"I would think that those who say they are disgusted with the thought of gay sex should be in favour of gay marriage. After all, why shouldn't gay couples get less sex like straight married couples"

or something to that effect....

I've been married (this time) for 10 years, but we've been living apart for nearly two years (with occasional 'conjugal' visits) for work reasons. This is scheduled to end by September 2007. I have to admit that I sometimes wonder if I haven't got awfully used to living alone again. I'm not sure how easy the readjustment will be.

I am glad to be married and love DW, but there is also a sweet side to being alone.

 

[Moemg]

A few things that would make me reconsider marriage

1-Colaed Pension with survivor rights

2-Big Ira and no pesky heirs

3-Summer house on a lake

4-Condo in the Islands

5-Big Travel Budget

 

[Mr._johngalt]

A few things that would make me reconsider marriage

1-Colaed Pension with survivor rights

2-Big Ira and no pesky heirs

3-Summer house on a lake

4-Condo in the Islands

5-Big Travel Budget

I'm close except for Number 1 and traveling is mostly low budget.
Also, the house is on an island and the condo on a lake. And, my
IRA isn't much either. Heirs may be pesky - not sure. Guess it wouldn't work.

JG

 

[2B]

My intent is not gay bashing but I'm sure that's how it will be interpreted by some.

The origins of all of the spousal benefits have roots in our culture of the 1900 to 1950's when the plans were developed. The "little woman" stayed home and raised the kids and typically had a short, if any, period of "employment." This matched the social norms at the time and provided for the vast number of women who found themselves widows and no personal savings.

Fast forward to today, the "liberation" of women have encouraged women to work full time when married and their income fully spent to upgrade to a lifestyle far beyond what the "Ozzie and Harriet" generation could afford. A fulltime working wife develops her own SS and pension benefits and can (as he) benefit from the spousal survival.

What we've done is financially discouraged the educated women from producing more than a very low number of children because of the extra stress and expense incurred in raising children. From a policy standpoint, I would like to financially enourage the best potential mothers to have more children.

Finacially, it may benefit individual gays to receive full spousal benefits but it doesn't contribute to encouraging a better next generation. I would be more inclined to increase spousal benefits but to make them contingent on producing children. More children, better spousal benefits. No children, no spousal benefits.

People would be free to choose and not be financially damaged as badly as our present system.

 

[dusk_to_dawn]

I have been married for 13 years and if anything happened to my wife, I would not remarry. I don't think anyone would be as good a partner as my wife. Also, I have seen some ugly divorces and the odds are not good that two individuals are going to marry and have a happy marriage. As one of my friends said, "You know why divorces are so expensive?.........Because they're worth it."

 

[Brat]

...When I am very old, I will probably check into a continual care facility so that I can get the help I might need to take care of myself properly. Maybe Frank and I will be there together, allowing one another sufficient space and time alone, of course.

I don't know what you consider 'very old' but don't assume you can move into a top quality not-for-profit ccc after you become frail. Once you are in your late 60s start visiting those that are attractive to you. You may learn that there is a multi-year waiting list for the units you desire. No harm in putting down a refundable deposit, most will let you pass until the one you really want is available. However, if in the interim your health becomes an issue you may not be eligible to move in.

Couples don't need to be married to share a unit but IMHO it is far wiser to have your own space. Warning here, nice single men are a highly sought commodity in a cc community.

 

[W2R]

Warning here, nice single men are a highly sought commodity in a cc community.

If Frank didn't want to be with me, then the absolutely last thing I'd want is to be with him, and vice versa.

I realize that there are many desperate older women "seeking", but desperation tends to be surprisingly unattractive to some people (including some women, such as me).

Marriage doesn't create emotional commitment where it did not exist already. The number of married men who are secretly "seeking" on dating websites or wherever, is appalling. Personally I do not find such men to be attractive, both because they are not being honest with themselves and with others, and because of the desperation factor I described above.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

My intent is not gay bashing but I'm sure that's how it will be interpreted by some....From a policy standpoint, I would like to financially enourage the best potential mothers to have more children....Finacially, it may benefit individual gays to receive full spousal benefits but it doesn't contribute to encouraging a better next generation.... I would be more inclined to increase spousal benefits but to make them contingent on producing children. More children, better spousal benefits. No children, no spousal benefits.

right. well, it certainly is not as much gay bashing as it is planet bashing. so instead of rewarding breeders--& i don't mean to be str8 bashing on that derogatory note but it does seem to play in harmony with your policy--for zero population growth, you'd rather we pay them to pop out even more future consumers of our natural resources. edit: i guess that's why they call it the bush energy plan (sorry, i couldn't resist).

your proposal is nothing but blatant child abuse. abusing some recently redefined concept of the child to justify your prejudice. since when has every child become baby jesus? children are future adults and nothing more. they are no more special than we are. why do you degrade adults by upgrading children. one does not have to be more special than the other, we should all be treated with respect. since when do i have to drive 15 mph past a grammer school but soccer moms can speed past my house 25 mph over the posted speed limit to get their kids to school on time. screw that & dig this: we are all special, not just kids. i had a mom too ya know.

how interesting that the financial strain of over-utilizing the planet's recources doesn't play on your piano but you have no problem singing praise to the attributes of being more financially fair to working mommies than to, oh, i don't know, say a partnered, handicapped gay man who has become unable--or, god forbid, too old--to work.

as to viewing all of today's policies not in light of today's consciousness but to go back to the gloom of some victorian era. fine, go ahead. you think it is so pleasant for us to live here? why stop with just treating us unfairly? i invite you to pick up the first rock and stone me. i won't be producing children anyway so it's not like my life is worth anything.

just look, for a moment, at the attitude your policy fosters. now ask yourself again which policy benefits the future.

 

[Dreamer]

Would I marry again? Yes

Can I grow old alone and enjoy life? Yes

Why would I want to marry again? Multiple reasons including a partner in crime, companionship, intelligent conversation, someone to do stuff with including chores, travel, dining and having a snuggle buddy at night .

Well, after reading this, I guess there would be alot of things that I would miss out on if I were never to remarry. There are some weirdos out there, but the vast majority are not. I guess that I should never say never! It is probably a moot point anyway since my DH's family outlives mine!