Stay at home dads

[cute fuzzy bunny]

My dad showed me an article yesterday about the "challenges" of being a stay at home dad. Included were some 'forums' like this one. I thought reading through a few might be interesting.

Holy. Cow.

What a bunch of unhappy people. Depression. Substance abuse. Complete loss of spousal communication. Feelings of inadequacy. Constant discussions of divorce as a "when and how" rather than the last option. Lots of "I'm not appreciated", "I think my wife is cheating", "she doesnt care about me", "we havent had sex in 5 years". Ick.

I know theres a lot of ER'd dads here, and I dont hear that sort of thing. Is it the shared financial independence? Is it that the sort of guy that ER's is less likely to be affected by these emotional issues? Do we just not talk about it? Do these "SAHD" sites (maybe something in that moniker is telling...) just draw the unhappy people who want to vent?

Any more "balanced" fori for stay at home dads? I was hoping for something a little more in line with ideas, solutions and discussions about the unique aspects of the situation.

 

[LovesLife]

I think you just ran into some sites where "misery loves company". Personally I wouldn't be interested in a site with a bunch of negativity. I've tried, for example, to read some other financial sites where it is all gloom and doom. Not my idea of a good time.

 

[flipstress]

Maybe it's a matter of choice--you chose to stay at home because you were ER'd even before you had a family, CFB--and confidence in one's accomplishments--you already achieved a lot in the working world.

Perhaps other SAHD's in those forums were kind of forced to stay home due to financial or other circumstances.

 

[Nords]

"I think my wife is cheating"

Darn, there's never any full names or pictures or phone numbers to properly research these claims. I'm not looking for a job but...

"we havent had sex in 5 years".

I'm not so sure that implies monogamy, let alone celibacy!

Let's see, a marriage where one spouse is totally dependent upon the other's income while relegated to a diaper-changing support role that garners little respect in this capitalistic misogynistic occupationally-biased society. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty mentally/emotionally healthy demographic group to me. Not everyone can have our Trump-sized ER self esteem.

Didn't we just have a thread about staying employable by making sure you're in your company's profit center instead of a sideline support role? Gee, did it never occur to these SAHDs to wonder why their spouses were so eager to sacrifice a seemingly idyllic home life for the corporate struggle? Ah, the sacrifices we make for our ever-grateful & appreciative offspring.

Hunh, that's odd, most of the SAHD websites I used to look at a couple years ago are gone. No doubt they upgraded to bigger servers with more bandwidth to handle all the crowds. Have you tried http://slowlane.com/ or Jon's Homeschool Resources? There's also AtHomeDad.com, where "Men who change diapers change the world!".

I think the homeschoolers have a more positive approach than the guys who're providing childcare only while they're nursing their wounds from this round of the employment derby. If you've already been ejected from your corporate environment due to outsourcing, you might be a tad nervous about your SAHD occupational longevity... especially if your spouse spends her workday scouring the books for ways to cut expenses, eliminate drag, raise productivity, and meet her needs (so to speak) through innovative synergistic partnerships!

Speaking of homeschoolers, you might find a group in your neighborhood that has a guy or two. The local neighborhood homeschoolers tend to band together for playgroups & group discounts on field trips, educational events, and other outings. It's a good way to network around here but I don't know how well it works in everyone's neighborhoods.

No, I don't think it's a good way to meet hot & fertile chicks. Unless you have a really big diaper bag...

 

[Martha]

My best friend's husband stayed home with the kids while she worked. Not FI. She had the best job. He had the most patience. It worked great for the whole family. The oldest daughter is at Yale. The youngest is a wonderful ballet dancer. Happy, interesting family.

My guess is that the sites have their own group think going.

 

[chris2008]

I would guess that the same kind of unhappy comments can be found on forums for stay at home moms. It is called "nagging" when it comes from ladies...
Conclusion: SAH is a great concept if it is done voluntarily and with enough outside communication.
Shared responsibilities might be an even better concept if jobs allow.

 

[justin]

Conclusion: SAH is a great concept if it is done voluntarily and with enough outside communication.

I think lack of "outside communication" was the straw that broke the camel's back for my wife. Sitting at home for 9-10 hrs per day 5 days/wk with an infant while I'm at work seemed to drive her crazy. She said work provides her with a little more social interaction that she wants. She doesn't like work too much (join the club, right?), but at least she's getting paid for it!