Stupid ideas our companies came up with

[Meadbh]

Excellent analogy!

I did a PhD and Post-doc before deciding the research career was way too much work and funding was getting very difficult. I was finishing up when they made the big changes to the whole R01 grant system in the 90's. Job security is much better in medicine.

DD

+1

I have become jaded with academic politics. For that's what it is. Always having to position yourself, market your value....
When people need urgent healthcare, they don't need much convincing.
But they are not convinced that my services are worth what DblDoc earns!

 

[Meadbh]

My mother told me to learn how to cook and marry a doctor. So I did that and she supported me so I could afford to be a professor. I give all my engineering students the same advice. If they can learn thermodynamics they can learn to cook and there is a hungry doctor out there for everyone of them without regard to race creed color or sexual orientation

Your mother was wise. We doctors love someone who will cook for us!

I have a colleague whose husband is a chef. When they had kids he became a househusband. After a hard day at the clinic, my colleague comes home to her slippers, a glass of wine and a gourmet meal. The kids are fed and watered, and life is good.

 

[brewer12345]

You've read Michael Lewis' "The Big Short", right? OK, you're ready.

Nope, don't need to. Woo boy, the stories I will never be allowed to tell...

 

[Emeritus]

Your mother was wise. We doctors love someone who will cook for us!

I have a colleague whose husband is a chef. When they had kids he became a househusband. After a hard day at the clinic, my colleague comes home to her slippers, a glass of wine and a gourmet meal. The kids are fed and watered, and life is good.

Now that I am Emeritus , every day I take my wife to work and bring her home. She has always had a real lunch (no sandwiches) that I made and packed for her. I won't say its gourmet but its always there. In 35 years if I have been at home and not sick she has never cooked a meal. I also went on all the school field trips. There are lots of photos of me ironing her clothes on business trips. In fairness she is a whiz with a soldering iron and can make computers dance. She is one of the world pioneers in health care information systems.

A surprising number of our faculty are married to physicians. It makes a good fit.

 

[Emeritus]

+1

I have become jaded with academic politics. For that's what it is. Always having to position yourself, market your value....
When people need urgent healthcare, they don't need much convincing.
But they are not convinced that my services are worth what DblDoc earns!

Its not politics in the classic sense, it's a business. A very tough business. We sometimes laughed at private sector and government research types who don't have to justify their existence and budget on a monthly basis. Every so often we would hire a government or industry type who did not understand that in a research university you don't get travel money for conferences or meetings, even though attendance at such meetings is critical to your career. They also didn't understand why faculty were routinely paid more than department chairs or deans. That's when I would point out that star athletes are paid more than coaches.

 

[kcowan]

A paper jam is akin to constipation, right?

[OT]Did you here about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil![/OT]

.. They also didn't understand why faculty were routinely paid more than department chairs or deans. That's when I would point out that star athletes are paid more than coaches.

I believe that all people who become Uni Professors have no clue how it really works. Only the flexible thrive when they discover that they must successly market themselves and their operations.

 

[Emeritus]

I believe that all people who become Uni Professors have no clue how it really works. Only the flexible thrive when they discover that they must successly market themselves and their operations.

At our shop you had it drilled into you from day one. Beginning Assistant professors are generally in their low 30s and it takes longer to create a fully fundable university Professor than any other profession. Almost no one becomes a full Professor before the age of 40, for many its later.

 

[beowulf]

This is a great thread. It reminded me why I have always loved the Dilbert comics (Scott Adams) and the movie "Office Space."

I could fill a dozen pages with the HR and management misadventures I have experienced during 41 years of work. From multiple DoD jobs ending as a consultant back to the government with an immediate increase of 50 points in my IQ and credibility. From moronic ideas such as TQM for office workers (let's ask line employees for their suggestions for improvement and then ignore them) to Merit Pay (screw your buddy to feed your family) to the NSPS (recently ended) to company polices that are incoherent and morale busting. I thought I had pretty much seen it all, but you folks have given me new hope that there is far more idiocy out there than I had ever thought.

Latest fiasco - I work for a smallish company that employs many retired feds/military. Most of us are not looking to work more than 5 to 7 years after first retirement and then really retire. Annual performance sheets we fill out always ask what training we need to do our jobs (duhhh, if we weren't fully trained already, we would not have been hired, nor could we be immediately billed at $250 an hour) and what are our career goals. The latter is my favorite - I always say the same thing - I had a career - this is not a career - it's a way to increase my savings for retitirement - it's a job- if you want to spend money on training, do it for the younger folks who need it. Almost as much fun as when HR tells me what a wonderful long term future I have with the company. What is it about "I'm already retired and looking forward to full retirement in a few years don't you understand?"

The really great thing about being in a position like this is that you can get away with just about any level of outrageous behavior. They really need you a lot more than you need them. And you can be as sarcastic as you like. As long as I am billing, I am golden to them.

 

[Khan]

This is a great thread. It reminded me why I have always loved the Dilbert comics (Scott Adams) and the movie "Office Space."

I could fill a dozen pages with the HR and management misadventures I have experienced during 41 years of work. From multiple DoD jobs ending as a consultant back to the government with an immediate increase of 50 points in my IQ and credibility. From moronic ideas such as TQM for office workers (let's ask line employees for their suggestions for improvement and then ignore them) to Merit Pay (screw your buddy to feed your family) to the NSPS (recently ended) to company polices that are incoherent and morale busting. I thought I had pretty much seen it all, but you folks have given me new hope that there is far more idiocy out there than I had ever thought.

Latest fiasco - I work for a smallish company that employs many retired feds/military. Most of us are not looking to work more than 5 to 7 years after first retirement and then really retire. Annual performance sheets we fill out always ask what training we need to do our jobs (duhhh, if we weren't fully trained already, we would not have been hired, nor could we be immediately billed at $250 an hour) and what are our career goals. The latter is my favorite - I always say the same thing - I had a career - this is not a career - it's a way to increase my savings for retitirement - it's a job- if you want to spend money on training, do it for the younger folks who need it. Almost as much fun as when HR tells me what a wonderful long term future I have with the company. What is it about "I'm already retired and looking forward to full retirement in a few years don't you understand?"

The really great thing about being in a position like this is that you can get away with just about any level of outrageous behavior. They really need you a lot more than you need them. And you can be as sarcastic as you like. As long as I am billing, I am golden to them.

Oh crap, flashbacks.
Zero Defects?

 

[Koolau]

Oh crap, flashbacks.
Zero Defects?

Performance Excellence

 

[Emeritus]

Performance Excellence

"measurable learning outcomes" (ABET want these)

My answer "student will become proficient in recognizing worthless evaluations and will develop a deep life-long learning skill at responding appropriately so the student can get on with a career that far exceeds the potential of the people who want measurable learning outcomes" IIRC my chair said I had the right idea but could I rephrase it.

 

[Brat]

Nope, don't need to. Woo boy, the stories I will never be allowed to tell...

But you can use the knowledge you acquired!

I just finished my first read of The Big Short and concluded that Lewis needed to access the shorting investors because of the confidentiality agreements covering the insiders. One source that comes to mind was a former bond merchant whose approach to investment bankers was "how do you plan to s**w me?"

If any lawyer can break a couple key confidentiality agreements . . . .

 

[MikeD]

A paper jam is akin to constipation, right?

If you're a mathematician, you just work it out with a pencil.


Added on edit: Oops.

 

[Nodak]

From moronic ideas such as TQM for office workers (let's ask line employees for their suggestions for improvement and then ignore them) to Merit Pay (screw your buddy to feed your family) to the NSPS (recently ended) to company polices that are incoherent and morale busting.

NSPS has ended already? I just missed out on it in DoD when I retired in Feb 2007, I guess it's no real surprise that it didn't work out.

 

[beowulf]

NSPS has ended already? I just missed out on it in DoD when I retired in Feb 2007, I guess it's no real surprise that it didn't work out.

It's in the final death throes. Congress says it must end and DoD is trying to unwind it. It might have been semi-functional had the PM running it listened to employee input, but we were completely ignored during the demo phase and any comments not praising it were considered to be those of malcontents. The main problems were that the appriasal system was extremely complex and time consuming and final scores/raises/awards were made by groups of people who did not actually know the employees or what they did. There was lots of talk about "contributions to the mission," but employees could not do anything about the organization they worked in or the type of work they did (not the quality), so if their organization was judged to be less important to the DoD mission than another, they were already out of luck.

In the end it cost a fortune to implement and did little but lower morale. As with most similar systems, it was underfunded, lacked any real checks and balances and used the same bell curve/quota system that everyone is complaining about.

At least it wasn't as bad as Jack Welch of GE - remember him? He said (and implemented at GE) the bottom 10% of the workforce (in ratings) should be fired each year, regardless of the actual quality of their work or the effort they put into it. Unless you have some real sluggards, in a few years you are firing good people who do good jobs, but, for whatever reasons, end up in that bottom 10%.

 

[Nodak]

Not surprising at all. For some unknown reason DoD seems to be fond of making things just as complicated as possible.

 

[kcowan]

...At least it wasn't as bad as Jack Welch of GE - remember him? He said (and implemented at GE) the bottom 10% of the workforce (in ratings) should be fired each year, regardless of the actual quality of their work or the effort they put into it. Unless you have some real sluggards, in a few years you are firing good people who do good jobs, but, for whatever reasons, end up in that bottom 10%.

Or you accept transfers or new hires that you can use to meet your quota!

 

[Emeritus]

Or you accept transfers or new hires that you can use to meet your quota!

I remember asking a speaker at a conference meeting which of the top ten salaried people in his company had been fired
"pour encourager les autres"

He didn't get it

Voltaire's novel Candide: "Dans ce pays-ci, il est bon de tuer de temps en temps un amiral pour encourager les autres." ("In this country, it is wise to kill an admiral from time to time to give courage to the others.")

 

[kcowan]

("In this country, it is wise to kill an admiral from time to time to give courage to the others.")

When they tried to push down the bell curve, I asked them which VP was going to be sacrificed? They did not get it either.

We used to always rank newcomers a 4 and explain that we had to do it and that their next review would reflect their true contribution!

The fun thing about the bell curve is when you tell you superiors that you had no 1 performers but you made one up to satisfy the statistics.

 

[MasterBlaster]

Then there's the Buzzword Bingo statement:

Originally Posted by Found in a municipal water department
It is our mission to dramatically initiate performance based opportunities as well as to proactively leverage existing quality leadership skills to meet our customer's needs.

The Dilbert website used to have a mission statement generator that uses randomly picked words to come up with statements like you posted...

I don't think the "tool" is available anymore though.

Heres 3 examples of the great work Dilbert's MSG automatically produced in the past:

"We have committed to synergistically fashion high-quality products so that we may collaboratively provide access to inexpensive leadership skills in order to solve business problems"

"It is our job to continually foster world-class infrastructures as well as to quickly create principle-centered sources to meet our customer's needs"

"Our challenge is to assertively network economically sound methods of empowerment so that we may continually negotiate performance based infrastructures"